Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta was all about love. Sweet, blessed, shady, soul mate from another realm love. Lord these ladies need a therapist. Call Dr. Jeff back in!
It was another NeNe Leakes-free episode because apparently she is in LA and Bravo cameras are only permitted there if they’re filming Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (which premieres tomorrow night). What are our thoughts on NeNe getting to participate like every other episode? Like, she misses half the practices but she still gets to play in the all-star games? Hmm. Well, I guess she did start the team!
First up, Sheree Whitfield meets Porsha Williams at an extremely expensive housing fixtures store run by Prince William’s long-lost brother. Sheree pretends she’s buying $8,000 doors for the “spa” she is installing in her basement, but we all know that’s some BS. When life gives you plumbing leaks, make a sauna! Porsha, to her credit, played along nicely that Sheree could actually afford any of this stuff since she was there for the gossip about Sheree’s bae and the mess that happened in San Fran when Cynthia Bailey fled the winery.
Remember when it was Kenya Moore who was begging Cynthia to love her as a BFF? My how the tables have turned now that Kenya has a real man, and it’s Cynthia, single and alone, who just wants to be loved and included. Well, at least we now know why Sheree is so broke: she’s spending all her coins buying vending machine snacks for her prison bae, Tyrone, and accepting collect phone calls! Is that like investing in art? It’s all look, but don’t touch and appreciate it from afar?
Kenya is back from her grandmother’s funeral and visits Lake Bailey for a little solace and peace. JUUUUST Kidding! She actually visits to get the dish from Cynthia and Kandi Burruss on the rest of the San Francisco trip. A brave and tremulous Cynthia takes a deep breath, lets out a sigh, and confesses to Kenya that it’s kinda a wee-bit weird how she’s never met the wonderful Question Marc! Also, she looks like the fool defending her friend for a man that may be an instagram stunt! Kenya blames her ex Matt Jordan. Marc apparently can’t visit ATL because she has a restraining order against Matt, and has to keep them separated, but uhhh… Kandi AND Cynthia were just in NYC but still weren’t permitted to meet this wonder-man. Question Marc, indeed!
What everyone really wants to know is what’s happening with Sheree’s boyfriend Tyrone Gilliam. Instagram pictures lead people to believe that Sheree up and secretly married him in a prison so she could get some conjugal visits. Don’t let the bars stop you from getting freaky! Sheree was spotted visiting him and wearing a “wifey” t-shirt. Since Sheree doesn’t get any of that 7-figure alimony from Bob, why not get married again?! Kenya is scandalized over why everyone is dogging on her on her man, a man whom she is free to invent to her imagination’s content, when Sheree isn’t even free to call hers.
Meanwhile, Kandi is suffering mommy guilt. She’s ignoring her kids to go off and become a 40-year-old pop star, now Ace has gone and become a 10-year-old who can’t even swim and Riley is driving a G-Wagon to the prom! Good thing Kandi has an indoor pool and can invite a swim teacher instructor! How many of these ‘swim instructor’ scenes is Bravo going to treat us to over the years? Maybe they’re trying to promote water safety – which is great – but perhaps they should start by banning binge drinking on beaches or bays or on boats or in bathtubs?!
Speaking of boats, Cynthia may have unresolved business ventures with Peachter Peachter Bank Account Eater, but her heart is only for Will. Will he return the favor? Peter returns from the great wilds of Charlotte where he has struck gold and he’s now prepared to avenge himself in Atlanta, where everyone called him a loser. His plan is to turn an abandoned crack den into Bar 2, and Cynthia is his 25% partner. Which is progress, because a few years ago, when they started this process, I’m pretty sure Cynthia was the sole financial partner. Cynthia arrives to the site looking like she’s walking a runway cause she wants Peter to know what he’s missing and part of his Take ATL By Storm (Again) Plan seems to include taking Cynthia by storm. OR at least trapping her back in his clutches.
Instead, Cynthia introduces Will to Kandi and Todd on a boat tour. Will apparently planned this to suck up to all Cynthia’s friends, but they all have access to Google and discovered he’s appearing on multiple dating shows. Kandi questions whether he’s interested in 50 Cyn for the fame, or the right reason, and Kandi is not about to let her friends be used. Or rather, Kandi’s gonna return the favor after everyone suspected Todd of being an opportunist. Karma is Kandi with a bone to pick! Cynthia and Will certainly have palpable chemistry, BUT maybe it’s his love for the cameras I’m sensing? Either way Cynthia seems pretty casual about their future.
Kandi, as Cynthia puts it, “grills him like a Mama Joyce BBQ” about his history with television dating. Will swears he only did ONE dating show, the other he turned down! Kandi warns Will that she has her ear to the words on the streets. Especially Mama Joyce Street! Kandi – it’s official you are turning into your mother. #RunToddRun
Later, Cynthia reveals that she and Will haven’t had sex yet. And it’s been like 3 whole dates! Now Cynthia is worried that she’ll start liking Will too much, and then the sex might be bad. 50 Cyn is looking for a Big Pun in the sack, not a Too Short. Of course, since Cynthia has dating game worse than Porsha’s blind date, she confesses all this to Will.
Yes, Porsha – she’s hired matchmakers to fix her love life because surprise! surprise! No one is trying to ride the underground Porsha train. Wonder why? After taking a tour of her house and seeing the boy and girl nurseries already painted from the previous owners (although covered in clothes and accessories), plus the creepy abandoned swings in Porsha’s backyard, the matchmakers assume she’s creepy, weird, insane, and into freaky stuff, so they set her up with a bald, dorky white guy in a cheap suit who has crooked teeth.
Did he come from Sheree’s dating pool? Cause I swear this guy had never been on a date. Ever.
Upon spotting her blind date in a restaurant, Porsha nearly turned and walked right out, but decided to try something new. So she stayed, did a sake bomb, and then made up an excuse about her mom needing her and left early. Was that a test from the matchmakers or are they really worse at matchmaking than Patti Stinger? Atrocious!
Last but not least in this episode, we have Sheree. Oh Sheree… well she finally gets the nerve to tell her children about her abusive relationship with Bob, and since they’ve all had access to the internet and television these long months, they already knew. Kaleigh shares that Bob actually tried to tell her about it, but she didn’t want to hear it from him. Sadly, for all Sheree’s talk about confidence and self-esteem, she sure ain’t practicing what she preaches by dating a con-man in the joint! She left that part out of her little heart-to-heart on healthy relationships!
Later when her life coach Jack Daniels comes over, Sheree actually pauses on their conversation to accept a collect call from Tyrone. He croons in his smooth snake oil salesman voice about how much he loves Sheree. When Sheree tells Jack about how Tyrone is more than a prison boo – he’s her soul mate, and when he gets out, they’re gonna make sweet, sweet love together for all eternity, Jack looks like he just swallowed a shot of whiskey with no chaser.
Sheree actually believes Tyrone is her “soul mate” – for real! Like, she believes this is true love and she will wait for him for one year or four, because no one has ever made her feel this happy. Then they’ll get married. While Tyrone was arranging club appearances for Sheree and NeNe, he was also being busted by the Feds and dating Sheree. This guy sure can multi-task! When the Feds started calling him, he stopped calling her. Ostensibly so Sheree didn’t become embroiled in his federal investigation! Gross.
Sheree does realize this man is in prison for CONNING PEOPLE OUT OF MILLIONS! He’s a master of the manipulative tongue and she is sucking down every word. Let’s hope he doesn’t have three or four Sheree’s out there filling his commissary account while he fills their desperate hearts. Dang Sheree – I hope Jack Daniels’s next homework assignment was for you to get a shrink!
TELL US – IS TYRONE USING SHEREE OR ARE THEY SOUL MATES? SHOULD CYNTHIA HAVE MET KENYA’S MAN? IS WILL USING CYNTHIA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
