On last night’s episode of Mob Wives we discovered that friends and boyfriends simply don’t mix in the wilds of Staten Island. Here are the rules: 1) Friends aren’t allowed to date your ex-boyfriend; even if you maybe dated him 20 years ago when you were in high school, but if you do happen to date your friend’s ex, you should definitely be honest about it, according to Karen Gravano. And rule number 2) Your boyfriend isn’t allowed to talk to any of your friends – even if he may be joking or trying to be nice, because if that friend happens to be Renee Graziano things are going to get crazy.
The episode started off with Renee making an eerie observation that for once all four of them are getting along. As soon as the words were spoken we all know that means by the middle of the episode somebody will be brawlin’. To celebrate the fact that no one was fighting, choking each other, or threatening to break their twat neck they had girls’ night out in NYC – but really it was Renee’s night out. Renee, Renee, Renee – did you know she is a Mafia Princess, you know, Anthony Graziano’s daughter? Just in case you didn’t, this is your reminder: Renee is a mafia princess and Anthony Graziano – infamous mob boss of Staten Island – is her father.
Renee educates the waiter letting him know that because she is a special kind of girl – a mafia princess – she is “very spoiled” and their table needs a lot of attention; it’s not her fault – she doesn’t mean to be difficult – but she is. While at dinner she is flirtatious and outgoing – larger than life – and literally talking about how large she is by complaining about being fat and needing liposuction for her arms. When Carla and Drita suggest going to the gym, she rebuffs them – that’s what plastic surgeons are for – she can get the same results after 24 hours on a surgeon’s table. Renee knows from experience since she had a nose job and during a toast to her friends she declares: “Here’s to the realest f*cking people, aside from my nose.”
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Drita and Karen are annoyed (and embarrassed) that Renee makes no bones about how proud she is to be the Mafia Queen of New York State, prancing around the bar announcing it to anyone who is within ear shot, saying things like: “Do you know who I am?” always trying to be center of attention. After having one too many tequilas Renee got a little out of control and took to molesting a seemingly sweet little man on the dance floor. And speaking of out of control…
After girls’ night out, Karen and Drita get together for lunch to reminisce about their truly crazy past filled with wild nights out on the town as street walkers that ended with missing clothes, exposed undergarments, and LOST TOENAILS??
After letting us know that plastic surgery is her friend, Renee is going for “a little skin rejuvenation” from Dr. “clap on/clap off” Klapper. Clap on – now you have boobs, Clap off – now you don’t! Renee explains cops are way scarier than Dr. Klapper carving her up like a turkey – until her face catches on fire! When Carla comes over to visit the next day Renee is wearing a Halloween mask– oh, no – whoops that’s actually her face AFTER having rejuvenation surgery. Refund? Carla say’s she is worried that Renee is going to start looking like “cat woman” with all her plastic surgery procedures.
After Renee reveals her rejuvenated face, Karen reveals who her daughter’s father is – calling him on the phone to talk about her trip and to check in on their daughter. And guess what?! David has been in prison for most of his child’s life too! Do you think it has something to do with the mob? If these guys are always incarcerated how are they even available to be dating? Where do these women even find them – prison match.com? Karen admits that she wants her daughter to bond with her father, but she also wants her to know something different than the “street life” with warrants in the mail, and her mom waiting at home for her father to get out of jail. Karen and David have a conversation about moving away from the mafia life and Karen reveals she doesn’t want to have a relationship anymore with an ex-con, mafia gangster. She also reveals she is single and ready to mingle! Go Karen.
And speaking of boyfriends – Carla has one! Even though she is “technically married.” And according to her he’s nice! Very nice. What does he look like? Oh we couldn’t tell because his face was blurred out the entire time – which only leads me to believe one of two things: he is ALSO in the mafia or he is (rightfully) embarrassed to associated with this show. When she tells Drita about this boyfriend, who is nice and spends time with her kids, Drita’s eyes mist over with a fine glaze of awe and jealousy. And just like Tamra Barney’s new-found freedom is rubbing off on buddy Vicki Gunvalson; the winds of freedom are riffling through Drita’s hair as she starts wondering what her lovely incarcerated husband Lee would do if she got a boyfriend? You could see the wheels turning in Drita’s head. And suddenly sticking around some convict, waiting for him to get out of prison, doesn’t seem so grand.
At Karen’s apartment her therapist comes over for the afternoon, oh I mean, she worked on her book with her cousin and talked about her past, including background information about her father. Karen explains that her dad, Sammy “The Rat Bull” Gravano, was a wonderful father who just happened to have a very bad job and that she chooses to see him as a father. After her father ratted out everyone on Staten Island, Karen admits she started acting out and dating “bad boys”, including this one guy you may have heard of… his name’s Lee. He called his wife a See You Next Tuesday on national TV and is currently locked up for bank robbery – except he’s not married to Karen, he’s married to Drita! Which if I were Karen I would be breathing a sigh of relief to have dodged that bullet, except, she’s not? She’s upset that “her girl” Drita married her ex. Karen says she feels compelled to include their seven-year relationship in her book because it was such a huge part of her life. Of course. And she also has to talk to Drita about how much it bothers her that she is married to her ex-boyfriend. Uh-oh.
At Drita’s house she is getting ready for her birthday party and all the ladies are going out. She’s upset that Lee isn’t home to see her looking good and she is tired of being alone. Because Drita is upset and sad, bad things start to happen – she gets drunk. Very, very drunk. So drunk she doesn’t remember anything. I felt so bad for her. While everyone else is celebrating Drita’s birthday, “Party Renee” was on the scene celebrating her new face – whiiiiiich looks exactly the same as her old face. But apparently not everyone agrees. Some people think she looks pretty damn good, namely Carla’s boyfriend (according to Renee). Renee claims Carla’s boyfriend said to her if he weren’t with Carla, he would be with her. Oh, he’s just joking! Naturally, Renee has to flip out and cause a bunch of drama. Which Carla wisely decided to ignore. Uh oh. I wonder if Renee’s psychic is going to foresee much drama in the future between Carla and Renee? After all – no one ignores Renee!
Since Karen is now on the prowl, she meets “skinny bitch” Carla at the gym to burn some fat and get in shape. So what is Karen looking for in a man? Oh…he has to be a professional, except not a professional robber, and he has to have a “nice, healthy loaf of bread.” What? A loaf of bread? You know, a nice, big [insert preferred term for male genitalia here]. Carla suggests Karen go on the ‘loaf of bread’ diet – lots of fish and veggies and then a nice big loaf of bread every night for desert to keep your body hot. Hmmm… she should market that and give Skinnygirl Bethenny Frankel a run for her money! From diets to Drita, the ladies start talking about Karen’s favorite topic – her relationship with Lee and how Drita betrayed her by marrying him. Le sigh. Apparently Drita told Carla that when Karen and Lee dated they were teenagers, when in actuality they were together for seven years and lived together for some of those years.
After questioning her marriage, Drita admits that she and Lee haven’t been speaking since their huge fight a few weeks ago, but he calls her to wish her happy birthday and they make up. Drita explains even though she STILL doesn’t know when he is going to be released from prison, she loves him and is planning to wait. She also tells him that Karen is writing a book about her life, which will include her relationship with him – he does not react kindly. And that is putting it mildly. Drita says it best when she describes her husband as: “Lee is not nice.” Touché.
Karen goes over to Renee’s house for advice on how to talk to Drita about how she is feeling betrayed, re: bitching about Drita in the hopes she can convince Renee to be on her side and hate Drita. Of course, Renee is all sorts of hooked on the drama and immediately engrossed, ready to jump to Karen’s defense and form the “I Hate Drita” club. Karen apparently doesn’t care that Drita and Lee are together, but she DOES care that her friend Drita betrayed her. And in the mob, betrayal and loyalty are very serious – waaaaay more serious than they are in ‘real life.’ Karen states that she cannot continue a friendship with Drita unless she confronts Drita about her feelings. Which I agree with.
See apparently, Lee D’avanzo is the most desirable man in Staten Island, despite his questionable occupation and his extremely remote current residence in the state penitentiary. That matters not for Karen and Drita, who for some odd reason just cannot stop arguing over him. So, Karen goes over to Drita’s house to confront Drita. Frankly, I thought Karen was pretty upfront and honest when she started the discussion, but quickly things escalated into a screaming fight about who did what and when and a bunch of he-said/she-said nonsense. The ladies size each other up, shooting the evil eye at each other, seeing red. And then Karen calls Lee a “scumbag” and Drita explodes and tells Karen if she writes that in a book about her husband that’s going to be a problem. And that’s where things end. “So, on that note, enjoy your F*cking night!”
Next week: More fights! Carla and Renee go at it over Carla’s boyfriend!
Do you think Karen is justified in feeling betrayed by Drita? Do you think Renee’s face looks any different after she got rejuvenated? Do you think Carla’s boyfriend was really hitting on Renee?
