On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, it’s Merry Jersey-mas! Jacqueline hosts another Gorgadice Reunion, Teresa gets rowdy in court, Melissa gets a record contract, The Caroline‘s daughter has some issues letting go, and Kathy makes more plans to open a restaurant.
Things start out with preparations for Jacqueline’s holiday party/Gorgadice reunion. In the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard Ashley (yes ASHLEY!) counsels Jacqueline to stay out of Gorgadice drama. Um… can someone please counsel Ashley on how her orange spray tan is atrocious? Please, someone? She looks like a Snork with her bright orange face and high ponytail.
At the Manzo’s Santa is bringing patience and cheer and bitchy sisters. Poor Lauren is left out of Manzo sibling bonding since the boys have moved out. Farewell Ham Game! Oh, Lauren – she has officially become The Caroline, Jr – storming around and telling everyone what to do. Albie says one positive about living with Greg is that Greg won’t end up dating Lauren… Oh, really? Is it because he may end up dating Albie? I kid, I kid… After discovering a mouse has eaten the plastic Santa, the Manzos play Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, buy two all-feather Christmas trees, call Cher and Chris March and invite them to their annual Christmas drag show starring Joey G-to- the-Orga! Actually I made that last part up, but wouldn’t it be a lot more fun than watching the Manzos bicker about nothing again?!
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Melissa and her bubbies meet with music producers who have worked with Beyonce and Britney Spears and “please, Jesus” let them work with ME-lissa too. Excuse me while I laugh, because all I want for Christmas is Melissa to get a clue and realize her poor man’s Carly Simon is just NOT cutting it. The only reason any record producers would give you and your wench-ed singing a chance is because you are on housewives. The producers decide to work with Melissa if she can dedicate 15 hours a day to her voice, cause she’s a natural, ya’ll! Good thing she can afford those nannies! Joey decides since Melissa needs to be supervising the nanny and shopping mothering, and can’t be in the studio 24/7 he better build her one in the basement. So long as Joey G-to-the-Orga keeps writing those checks Melissa deems him the best hubby ever. And so long as Auto-Tune exists, she can sing.
At the Giudice’s, Teresa is serving Jr Mafia some of “this” – meaning her booty – as they enjoy a romantic dinner in front of the fireplace. Actually she looks pretty good – and I have been lusting after those Louboutin boots FOR-EV-ER. Ugh – that’s scary – Teresa and I have something in common besides Bravo-love! Teresa explains it has been a tough year since the bankruptcy and legal problems, and they are paying their mortgage and buying $1,500 shoes instead of furniture. Priorities! Teresa says their marriage is strong and you know – strangely, these two nuts do seem very happy with each other. Apparently, Jr. Mafia’s ex-partner has accused him of signing his signature on a loan fraudulently and that is part of the court case against them. Teresa believes he’s innocent. Do you? The Judge didn’t.
Kathy is hard at work opening her restaurant so she doesn’t end up a depressed empty-nester like Caroline after her kids grow-up and stop needing her. Reciting from Chicken Soup for the Jersey Soul, Kathy dispels another pearl of wisdom: “If you don’t dream, you don’t live.” She finds a place that looks like a bordello – perfect for the Manzo drag show. Richie is now having apprehensions and is worried he’ll go bankrupt like his wife’s cousins. After giving The Brownstone glowing reviews, The Wakiles meet with Albert to discuss running a restaurant and he laughs in their faces gives them the scoop about what a hard job it is – and suggests they start with catering.
Back at Melissa’s the studio is under construction, and Melissa is ecstatic. Non-Juicy says he’s set up her sound booth so he can be like the FBI and watch her while she can’t see him. Melissa explains he is a typical Italian man and hello – he has a lot to be jealous over! Right. Melissa wants her entire studio to be gold, because she will be making gold records and likes to color coordinate.
Jacqueline and Lauren go visit her brothers and their Mister, and hope there won’t be other girls because they hate girls. Jacqueline wants to support Lauren in feeling closer to her brothers since their abandonment. Albie explains the one thing their apartment needs is The Caroline and her Mom-GPS, so she can clean up after him and find all his missing items. If you look up “mamas boy” in the dictionary, I’m pretty sure you will find a picture of Albie right next to the description. Lauren gets very emotional talking to her brothers about how Greg has replaced her. Greg makes fun of Lauren (rightfully, so). Albie storms out to cry in private and returns with a special sister-key which gives her unlimited access to their place. It was supposed to be her Christmas gift, but Lauren’s melodrama like totes ruined the surprise, so now Chris and Albie have to spring for a real present.
It’s the day of Jac’s party and she is actively trying to avoid Joe and Joe drunkenness by providing sippy cups with small amounts of alcohol. Jacqueline predicts her tables will fight back if Teresa or Non-Juicy start any nonsense with them. Her parents are eagerly anticipating a fight cause they are closet Jerry Springer fans and love dramz. And speaking of dramz – Jacs is visiting with Kim Granny-tel (just hire her already, Bravo – she’s desperate!). After exchanging fake pleasantries about redecorating, Kim announces she had a brain tumor once and this is the reason for her erratic behavior. Interesting… Jac explains Teresa doesn’t really have an issue with Kim G; she’s just an easy target after the grandma stripper-pole incident. Five minutes in, Kim starts crap by sharing texts about Teresa causing Jacqueline to yell at her frienemy to “shut the f*** up!” Good for Jac for defending her friend, Teresa even if it was only because the cameras were watching!
Back at the Apartment de Manzo, the feather tree is predictably hideous and adding sin to ugly, Lauren decides to make stockings with the boys’ names written on them in crushed red pepper. The Caroline describes it as a “very Guido Christmas.” Trying to mend fences, Greg suggests the whole family (including him????) go somewhere for New Years – even Lauren – despite the fact that she is less fun than The Caroline. Lauren has poop in her pants, though and doesn’t want no stinkin’ pity invite from The Mister; especially after they ate dinner the other night without calling her. Albie puts her in her place by telling her she shouldn’t expect an invite every time they make a plate of pasta. Caroline agrees Lauren is being unreasonable. Really – Get. Over. It. Maybe Lauren should spend less time with her mother and make some friends so she’ll be less clingy. I hear Ashley has a lot of time on her hands cause she never shows up to intern – “Dear Lauren, I’m free for dayz – FB me! We’ll stalk the boiz! Luv, Ash.”
On the way to Jacqueline’s holiday party, Teresa encourages Jr. Mafia Joe to keep it classy positive after a stressful day in court because of her cray-cray. Teresa explains she saw Monica Chacone – who is Joe’s ex-partner’s lawyer’s wife and likes to announce at parties that she is suing Teresa. Things got heated in the courtroom because Teresa yelled at this Monica for hanging out with Kim G. Oh dear… why oh why were there no cameras in that courtroom, Bravo?!
Jacqueline has hired Kathy a chef to cater her party per Bravo’s instructions to feature someone from next season’s Top Chef Masters. Teresa arrives in her best Mob Wives fur coat on loan from Renee Graziano and shockingly she is on time for this shin-dig. Jacqueline warns her that the details from court all already online after “a source” released all the deets. Teresa is shocked – I mean, she simply advised Monica to worry about herself, not Teresa. No harm, no foul. Joe G-to-the-Iudice tells the real story, though: Teresa went off on this woman and Joe had to pull her away, cause his wife is “f*ckin nuts.” You think? Teresa describes it as like Silence of The Lambs – in what way exactly? Because she is certifiable?
When The Gorgas arrive (sans hats) they are already complaining that the Wakiles were not on the exclusive invite list because Teresa ruins everything. Melissa is wearing a coat she ALSO borrowed from Renee. In a pot meet kettle moment, Ashley explains Jacqueline is to drama what Jersey is to tanning and never a time have the two failed to meet. Begging for more time in Court with the Tre, Awfuley mentions the “D” word (Danielle). That Ash – anything for camera time. Jacqueline welcomes the Gorgas and encourages them to be comfortable and everything is going well. Teresa and Non-Juicy Joe are sweet to each other and Lauren in another pot meet kettle moment describes that Teresa needs to understand her brother has loyalty to his wife. You know, because sometimes brothers aren’t meant to be eternally close to their sisters. She also observes that Melissa is a prettier version of Teresa.
Melissa has the decency to be embarrassed when Joe asks a Manzo where to procure a stripper pole because his wife needs one – for exercise, of course! Everyone is dancing around making peace and trying to act like everyone is so much fun on their own they should all be fun together. But it is constant sizing each other up between the Gorgas and the Giudices. Melissa warns everyone they cannot dare Non-Juicy to do anything because he will do it – cause koo-koo runs in the Gorga blood. I mean Joe-to- the-Orga will do anything at all – even put on Jac’s Sparkle Spanx! And here he comes all Sparkled Spanx-ed up! Ready for Ice Capades! Ready for drag shows! Ready for… me to wonder why Jac owns this garment? Jacqueline is alarmed, realizing if she puts on the Sparkle Spanx next, she’ll be like touching his balls.
Sadly for Teresa, all her friends think Melissa and Joe Gorga are more fun than her. So, Melissa and Teresa bicker about being sisters and how they aren’t really sisters but should be, but just can’t be, because they are both too self-centered. Then Melissa accidentally spills the beans that she is having a Christmas party and realizes now she HAS to invite the Giudices, even though she doesn’t want to, but if she doesn’t everyone will realize she wasn’t being truthful about wanting to make amends. Not letting her off the hook, Jr. Mafia Joe asks her over and over what time her party starts. Oopsie! One glass of wine too many, Melissa! Things end on a positive note with everyone agreeing they will come to Melissa’s part-tay, but only if Sparkle Spanx makes a re-appearance.
Next time: Melissa gives Jesus a $50,000.00 birthday present and wants everyone to get along – too bad she invited Teresa!
On WWHL – Jay Mohr from Joisey, and the many cocktails he drank, host with Rich and Kathy Wakile while Andy is on vay-cay! The drinking game word is Jersey and Jay wants everyone to be so drunk he becomes a Twitter Trending Topic. Ok #JayMohr! Jay asks the secrets to making a marriage work and Rich who – I hope – is a little tipsy too makes some lewd hand gestures alluding to hand jobs in response. Oh, Rich you are begging to be asked back ovah and ovah again! Kathy admits her and Teresa are sorta tawking.
The poll question is: “Whose side are YOU on? Teresa or Kathy?” Rich wants to vote ovah and ovah again so Kath wins. Jay reveals his man-crush on Joey G. Rich gets an eyewear makeover and their wedding pic is slipped in. Cute! The very convoluted game is “Italianissimo Quiz-issimo!” and Kathy wins. Kathy and Rich reveal they met on a plane and they still seem very in love. Good for them! Kathy reiterates she is waaaaaaay too normal for this show when she talks shiz about no one and answers all the questions thoughtfully. Kathy may have won the game but lost the poll – Richie shoudda voted mohr! And that’s a wrap – Mazel til next week. Jersey wishes and Bridge and Tunnel dreams!
Are you ovah this family feud? Is Melissa a younger version of Teresa? Do you believe Joe did not forge his ex-partner’s signature?
