On last night's episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo the family celebrated Fourth of July southern redneck style. It included parties on the lake, gourmet meals, cabanas on the lawn, luxury shopping, chauffeured cars, and sunbathing and swimming. So relaxing. But before all that they had to get to pamperin'. Shhhh… It's A Wig!
Honey needs a new pageant "wiglet" or a semi-full piece to add accent to her hair so they go to some place called Shhh… It's A Wig. Which may just be the best thing any of these Boo Boos have ever heard. Well, except Chubs. She lays down on the floor for a nap. Snore… It's A Wig!
Although the wig they put on Honey looks a lot like a Dolly Parton gone electrocuted, the family decides to have fun with it and do a wig fashion show. The store clerk deems them very interesting while she hopes they leave before breaking anything and that her establishment gets plenty of business courtesy of TLC.
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Mama tries on a platinum blonde wig which makes Sugar Bear drool. He says it makes him want to jump her fat rolls bones. Smexy indeed. Is that like smelly and sexy combined? Like, 'You smell like fried chicken and gravy and that makes papa hot. C'mere mama.' I think I just threw up. Typing that sentence has put me off fried chicken for life.
Shhhh.. it's a wig! Shhh… it's a wig! Shhh… it's a wig! Shhh… it's a wig!
Back at the house it's hotter than a crotch and everyone is sitting inside to watch TV and eat. What no pageant practice? No hair to curl and spray? No tans to dribble down their tummy rolls or glitter to shellack onto something? Nope – just Fritos.
Side note: What do we think of Mama's brocade lawnchair prominently placed on the lawn. It's her inteview throne.
Shugie comes home with pool. He reckons the whole family should help since his puttin together skills aren't so good. Mama sits in the shade to scrituinze and direct. He ain't put sommin' togetha in fitty years she reveals. Adding to Shugie's stress, Mama reminds him he has to build something so she can get in and out. Mama needs luxury ammenities. Shugie says he'll lift her…. with a craine?
Mama caint help because, "Bein voluptuous heat and me don't mix." Appar'ntly that's why she doesn't eat in the summer. Mmmmhhhhmmm… cue flash backs to last week's weigh in and the scale chugging to reach the number 317. Oh, Mama… After getting part-way through pool construction, Shugie and heat don't mix and the whole bam fambly retreats inside to eat.
The next day (or several days) Shugie finishes the pool, which consisted of stuffing some metal poles into what looked like a tarp. Honey Boo Boo loves it so much she is trading in her pageant crowns for fins and becoming a fish. Maybe Little Mermaid can be her next pageant theme. Shugie predicts it will be broken within two months, a mere hours later the redneck cure-all (aka duct tape) has already been dispatched. My mom liberally uses the duct tape handbook.
After telling us she doesn't eat the Boo Boo family goes out to eat at a pig museum, OK actually it was a BBQ restaurant. Sugar Bear decides it's only fitting since they're pigs. Apparently Sugar Bear wanted them to do a sit-down dinner as a family. Alana wants everything on the menu, plus sides, but wants her sides to be meat. Mama let's Alana get whatever she wants even though her eyes are bigger than her mouth. Alana says they like to eat cause they're fat. Paging captain obvious! Maybe Mama SHOULDN'T let Alana eat everything…
Pumpkin squirts ketchup in a chip bag and sweet memories of my wild WV youth come flooding back. 'Scuse me for a chip and 'chup break! Over dinner Anna asks Mama why she is so scared to get married to Shugga Bear. I bet she'd marry him if she had a coupon.
Anna wonders if it's because Mama can't fit in a wedding dress. #cosign. Mama claims they make dresses bigger than her. Please God let Randy From Say Yes To The Dress have Mama on an episode!
It emerges that although Sugar Bear and Mama have been together 8 years, Honey is his only biological daughter. Although all the girls think of him as their daddy. And Sugar loves them all as his children. That's very sweet.
Dinner is over when Pumpkin farts on Chubs at the table. That signifies that the chicken was very good.
Mama says she won't get married because her children are her priority. Maybe Mama would marry Sugar Bear if he would fix the drain in the kitchen sink. Right now the water is being caught in a bucket which they have to empty out the back porch. Seriously. C'mon y'all – where's the duct tape?
The next day the Boo Boos head to Crazy Tony's for a Fourth of July fish fry, four-wheelin, dog-howlin, Budweiser consuming, and horses. After hush puppies and catfish tails they four wheel down to the Wilkinson County Department Store, aka the city dump. Dumpster Diving! Mama regales us with her killer deals and lets us know they accept coupons. One particularly exciting score was surround sound with only one broken speaker.
Honey lets us know she'd definitely win Grand Supreme at a Dumpster Diva Pageant, but I dunno it might be Pumpkin after her Pig in a Blanket stunt. UGH! Crazy Tony wraps Pumpkin in an old mattress and sits on her. A MATTRESS from a dumpster. Bed bugs anyone? Apparently all her clothes come from the dumpster too. I wonder if Honey gets any pageant costumes in there? Anyone else impressed they were actually wearing helmets on the four-wheelers?
Next in the family bonding summer bonanza is more Fourth of July celebrating at the lake for fire works. And more food, of course. Hopefully we won't be seeing a revival of Forklift Foot. Since it's 155 degrees outside, Mama whips out her "redneck air conditioner." It works like this – you wet a t-shirt and wrap it around your head turban style.
Honey decides she wants to be a lifeguard (even though she can't swim) so Mama takes her down to the guard tower so she can look out over the lake and supervise. She's extremely efficient at alligator spotting and blowing the whistle. A lot. At everything. Even Sugar Bear's jeans. Which he wears because he doesn't want to show off his white legs for fear every girl on the beach will come maul him and have their way with him.
Honey tries to shoo Mama away from the lifeguard tower cause she's a workin' girl now, but Mama makes her come down to the beach after reminding her not to "poot" in the lifeguard's face as she's helping her down the chair. Classy.
Afterwards it's fireworks which were really cute. Honey is so excited she declares it the best day of her life as she whoops and hollers at the sky. You know what, they're trashy as all get out, but real cute. And I kinda likes 'em. Almost as much as I like potato salad (which is a whole helluva lot).
Although I do take issue with the constant representation of southerns as fat, stupid, and ignorant – a stereotype which this show perpetuates and revels in. Even if the family is just being themselves and that's who they are.
[Photo Credit: TLC.com]
TELL US – WILL YOU BE ROCKING A REDNECK AIR CONDITIONER ANYTIME SOON? DO YOU THINK MAMA WILL EVER MARRY SUGAR BEAR?
