Stop the presses, y'all. Tyler ran 4.2 miles. That's all you need to know about this week's episode of Big Rich Texas. Trust me. The rest pales in comparison to Tyler's awesomeness. Nevertheless, the rest…
Leslie Birkland enters the scene, shoos away her real child (Mommy, I just ran 4.2 miles! No time, Tyler. I just found out your fake sister is a slut, but you already knew that, didn't you.) to talk to Kalyn Braun. Leslie says, "Well, Kalyn, the party was all about you being a slut." Leslie continues and it goes something like this, Boonie Blossman, whose shirts states she's a doctor, educated me about UTIs… in front of everyone… and you, my dear Godaughter, have some complication from being sexually active.
Leslie asks Kalyn, "Do you know to go pee after sex?" Kalyn sees no way to escape the madness, so she fake cries. "Boo hoo hoo, I'm being judged for no reason." Leslie assures Kalyn that she just wants to help her. Leslie tells Kalyn that she is to call her every time she has sex, so she can remind her to pee. That Leslie. She sure does go above and beyond the call of Godmother duty.
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For the sake of my sanity, moving on… DeAynni Hately, Bonnie, and Connie Dieb golf at the club. Connie asks Bonnie about her Fiona Frost party. Bonnie says, "It was soooo fabulous… until Leslie showed up." Connie hears about Kalyn's stress-induced UTI for the first time. An amused Connie says, "I'm sorry, but you do not get UTIs from being stressed out. If that were the case, more than half of Dallas would be infected."
Next, Bonnie gushes about Booger, saying what a great help he was to her before and during the party. Connie asks Bonnie if she has met Booger's parents. Bonnie says, "No, but I'm going to have a talk with Whitney and tell her that me and Jason want to have dinner with them." DeAynni shares that her mother in law is still hung up on her husband's high school girlfriend. I can't imagine anyone not gushing over DeAynni.
Melissa Poe, Cindy Davis, and Leslie meet at Skintastic for some Monday morning botox. Melissa is sad, because she wants everyone to be able to get together so she can start trouble but Bonnie and Leslie are at odds with one another. Leslie brightens Melissa's day by telling her that she and Bonnie plan to talk it out. Leslie shakes her head, "We're both mama bears … Kalyn's eighteen and she has boy issues … It just breaks my heart."
I Totally Want To Be Bonnie Blossman When I Grow Up!
Leslie continues to ponder the issue, "Everyone's thinking that just because Kalyn has a kidney infection it's because she's being the slut of the town. I want to help her focus on having a moral compass." Cindy tells Leslie to get Kalyn a bag of condoms and some spermicide; however, Leslie was thinking more along the lines of a life coach. Somehow, I think Kalyn would appreciate and get more use out of Cindy's offering more than Leslie's. On her couch, Cindy says, "I don't know if a life coach is going to keep Kalyn from sleeping around. Here's some advice… keep your legs closed."
Whitney visits Bonnie, bearing gifts (a basket full of dirty laundry) and demanding food. Bonnie throws a bag of potato chips Whitney's way and asks to meet Booger's parents. Bonnie is a little scared to learn that Booger's dad rides motorcycles. Bonnie shares, "Ever since I met Jason nineteen years ago, he's always wanted a Harley. I always said no." Whitney says, "I don't know why he listens to you. He should just get one." Bonnie is like, it'd be me or the Harley. Whitney is like, well, nice knowing you, cause I'm getting one too. Bonnie says, "Over my dead body." In the end, Whitney says she'll ask Booger about dinner and adds, "get my laundry done."
Back at Casa Slut, Leslie storms into Kalyn's room to judge her bras and talk about her moral compass. Kalyn asks, "What do you mean – moral compass?" Leslie bluntly says, "You developed a bit of a reputation as being a slut. I know that you're not a slut but that is the rumor that is around. If you can just dedicate yourself to actually be moral." Kalyn doesn't like where this conversation is going. Leslie thinks that just maybe she hasn't been the best Godmother, and, by golly, she wants to be the very best Godmother on TV. Leslie decides to have Kalyn baptized.
Alone on her couch, Kalyn says, "Is Leslie crazy? This is my punishment… being drowned in a pool. This is insane."
Booger thinks Bonnie and Jason meeting his parents is a lovely idea. Whitney is like, really? Whitney fears her mom will show up in a costume. Booger accepts Whitney's hand and raises her a dad who wears socks with sandals. Meanwhile, Cindy and Melissa meet with a personal trainer. Cindy wants to "really try him out" if you know she means. Cindy and Melissa work out a little and sexually harass the trainer a lot.
Bonnie and Leslie meet for drinks. Right away, Bonnie tells Leslie, "I'm not really sure why I'm here." Bonnie doesn't think she and Leslie should be involved in Kalyn and Whitney's business. Leslie argues, "Kalyn is eighteen." Bonnie says, "I don't care, Leslie. Make excuses all you want. She's an adult." Leslie gets defensive, saying "you're 40 something and picking on Kalyn." Bonnie is like, picking on her how? When Leslie says Bonnie jumped into Whitney and Kalyn's fight, Bonnie insists that Leslie is the one that brought her into it. Bonnie and Leslie just argue back and forth. Rumors and accusations fly… Who did this? Who has their vagina pierced? Who started what?
Finally, Leslie says arguing is useless because she will always defend Kalyn and Bonnie will always defend Whitney. Leslie adds, "What are we going to do? We have to do something." Bonnie has no answer. Leslie just wants her and Bonnie to be friends again. Leslie says, "I miss you. I've never had a girlfriend like you.. nobody that is wacky and smart." Bonnie responds, "Ditto." Leslie, "Really?" Bonnie says, "Yeah, I don't have anybody that compliments me the way that you do." Hahaha. I love Bonnie.
Wasting no time, Leslie tells Bonnie that she's having Kalyn baptized. Bonnie smiles and rolls her eyes. Leslie insists, "Kalyn has changed, and I want you to see it." Leslie is nuts.
Kalyn and Maddie meet for cupcakes. Kalyn tells Maddie that Leslie is making her get baptized because she thinks she a slut, but she's going to get an outfit out of it, so whatever. Cut to Leslie taking Kalyn shopping, saying "you can get whatever you want – it's your day." Connie mediates the shopping trip. Kalyn complains, "If Leslie gets her way, my dress will be a white bag from my neck to my feet." Kalyn tries on several outfits, with the third one – short dress with knee-high boots – deemed the baptism-appropriate keeper. Leslie gushes over Kalyn's dress and then drops a bombshell on Kalyn… she has invited Terry, Kalyn's mom, to the baptism. Leslie promises, "It's going to be the best day ever."
Bonnie, Jason, and Zakk are at a restaurant waiting for Whitney, Booger, and Booger's parents. For the record, Bonnie does not wear a costume. Booger's parents are Darrell and Jan. Bonnie is surprised they look normal and Darrell is surprised that Bonnie is a college professor. Then, Darrell talks motorcycles and tells Jason it's easier to get forgiveness than permission. On the couch, Bonnie admits she likes Booger's parents and is excited to meet the rest of his family. Whitney calls Bonnie a psycho.
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It rains on Kalyn's day. Terry, Kalyn's mom, hopes for a new beginning, and Leslie assures her that she can feel it in her heart. When Leslie invites Kalyn to join her and Terry, Kalyn cries "gotta pee." Did she have sex when we weren't looking? Leslie, oblivious as always, says, "Come right back. Your mumsie is here." Terry says, 'Oh, we're excited," and then she goes on and on about how she was recently baptized. Isn't that something? Terry explains, "I knew I needed to make changes in my life … I wanted to see where I wanted to go in regards to pulling my family back together." Leslie buys whatever anyone is selling, doesn't she? On the couch, Leslie is in awe, "I can't believe that she just got baptized too. She's like a whole new person, inside and out."
Big Rich Texas Pastor and Kalyn get into the pool, obviously not fazed by the threat of lightning happening above them. One way or the other – baptism or shock by lightning – Kalyn will be cured. Paster leads everyone in a prayer, dunks Kalyn's head in the pool, and releases three doves. Leslie thinks it's all so wonderful. Kalyn is pure… let's eat cake. Leslie gifts Kalyn with life coah sessions. Kalyn seems less than thrilled with her gift.
On the couch, Kalyn recites her lines a bunch of crap, "I actually really enjoyed the baptism. I didn't think I was going to like it, but it was amazing." Addressing Leslie, "I can't be more thankful for you doing all of this for me. It truly showed me that you care and that you love me and that you're going to be here forever." Or at least until Big Rich Texas gets canceled. Leslie says, "It was all for you, and I'm so proud of you."
Back at the party, Terry, looking like a drowned rat, asks for some time with her Kay Kay. Terry tells Kalyn that she wants a fresh start. She adds, "I'll take whatever I can get from you but we've got to start somewhere." Kalyn says, "Somewhere is not right now. Today is my day. I slutted up Dallas for this day and it's my time to shine and you are trying to steal that from me. Every single time, you come in when it's my time to shine."
Terry knows the past cannot be erased. Kalyn says, "Everything that happened – it's real and it hurts every single day and I'm affected by it and it messes up everything. I can't do anything about it." As she runs out of the room, Kalyn looks at Leslie and says, "It's your fault too. You invited her." Terry chases after Kalyn, who yells "you ruined everything" over and over. Leslie comes out, "No, no, no. This is her special day." Kalyn sobs. In all seriousness, Kalyn's story makes me sad. 🙁
Leslie's shares tips on how to throw a stylish baptism. My personal favorite, "It's not the time to be boobilicous."
Next week on Big Rich Texas, Kalyn tells Terry that she sometimes wanted to die because of her, DeAynni continues to ruin her own child's life, Leslie flaunts her "too big" engagement ring, and Jason starts a fight with Tyler.
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