Oh it is a sad, sad time for reality television! Everyone’s favorite tinsel-headed, Palms hawking, sleazy chef-lovin, Lisa Vanderpump bashing, catified rubber-faced maven is leaving Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!
That’s right, last week Adrienne Maloof announced she would not return to the show that made her tacky a nation-wide horror and for that we mourn. Or snark. And you know what that means: it’s time for a Housewives Retrospective!
And without further ado, we say good-bye to out first lady of terrible facelifts, Adrienne!
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I don’t even remember Adrienne from season one of the show. Do you? All I remember is that HAIR TINSEL she kept hawking in vain. I mean c’mon – like any grown woman worth her sanity would want to go around looking like a Jem & The Holograms reject.
Is that a Christmas tree? Nope, just Adrienne glistening like a light in the manger! [Credit: BravoTV.com]
In the beginning Adrienne kept what’s left of her nose to the grindstone and we all appreciated her no nonsense, even-keeled demeanor as the peacemaker. She mediated between Splits Richards and then bitchtress Camille Grammer. She encouraged peace, civility, and common sense. Oh and she was even nice to Lisa. Huh?
Clearly that was a drone acting in Adrienne’s stead. Perhaps the real Adrienne was entombed in the cryogenic freezer behind her glassed in wedding dress? Probably about the only thing she liked about her marriage to Paul Nassif was that dress! Yes, Adrienne and Paul played the convincing role of ‘the bickersons,’ a seemingly normal for the filthy rich family who just enjoyed sparring.
Awkwardo!
In fact Adrienne was so no nonsense she called out Chief Lips Griftress of the Western Plains Shanna “The Taylor” Ford Armstrong for misrepresenting Adrienne as Kennedy Caroline‘s esteem godmother. At the time we all exalted Madame Maloof for putting the kibosh on a Taylor Tale, but we’ve since wondered which one of those two is the bigger liar!
In season 2 the real Adrienne burst forth onto the scene – in baby steps at first. We got the big kahuna at the reunion!
Adrienne maintained her image as the no nonsense one. But clearly it was all a ruse. We met Adrienne’s lovely and charming chef Bernie Guzman who announced to us all that he hates Lisa. And the battle lines were drawn.
How could anyone hate Lisa? Adrienne adopted Jackpot, aka Crackpot. No one cared. She started producing the Maloof Hoof. And then she marked her turf with Lisa over The Palms. Adrienne takes the 2% she owns very seriously.
The Evil Sorceress and The White Queen! [Credit: BravoTV.com]
Apparently the bad blood was drawn over Lisa’s daughter deciding to host her bachelorette party at another hotel, one owned by a family friend. Adrienne spent a whole season passively aggressive stabbing at Lisa with her Maloof Hoof stiletto for not forcing Pandora to promote The Palms.
Then Adrienne pulled a She By SheBroke and hosted a fashion show where the focus was on anything but the shoes! Although she was promoting A by Adrienne Is Awful Footwear, she paired all the shoes with gowns, thus obscuring them. Aaahhh… they were ugly anyway!
Friends don’t sue friends, which is why I sued Brandi – cause we’re not friends. DUH! [Credit: BravoTV.com]
Adrienne also got Taylor thrown out of the premiere social event of the season, Kyle’s White Party quipping “Friends don’t sue friends!” If only Adrienne could have practiced what she preached.
A: ‘What’s so funny?!’ K: ‘Your plastic surgery! Seriously – it’s hilarious even if you’re sober! HAHAHAHA!’ [Credit: BravoTV.com]
Adrienne escorted Kim “Ramblin’ Richards on the the Private Jet From Hell as they took off into the unfriendly skies while Kim droned on nonsensically (she ‘arambles!) in a drunken haze. Adrienne wished she had a drone missile to shut her up – and take Paul down too.
Speaking of Paul, Adrienne took him down in between seasons when she filed for divorce and accused him abusing her – and their kids – through the trusty Facebook page of her Chef Bernie!
And then the reunion happened when Adrienne organized a coup to take down La Glorious Vanderpump, accusing her of being an egotistical, fake witch who sold stories about her cast mates to, of all low-brow publications, RadarOnlies! ‘HA!’ Lisa scoffed – ‘Like I need the $15.’ Apparently Adrienne was angry that Lisa slandered her dog and her shoe line, but she was for realz angry that Lisa gots to be the popular girl and she was just the poor ol’ awkward that no amount of plastic surgery could erase.
Proof Bernie’s actually been in a kitchen. I mean at least once… [Credit: BravoTV.com]
When Brandi Glanville wouldn’t join ranks, Adrienne swiftly turned on her and it turns out ol’ Adrienne, aged 51, was the one selling stories to Radar under the guise of the ever multifaceted Chef Bernie. Does the man even have time to cook with all the dastardly deeds he’s up to? He’s probably the one who taught Adrienne to wash chicken with hand soap!
And yes, season three is when Adrienne fell right smack apart and turned to a gelatinous blob of silicone and restylane with a little plastic nose dotting out of the rubble. It was ugly.
Adrienne’s off-screen miscreant behavior has been far more exciting than the crap Bravo has forced us to endure.
Sadly, Adrienne’s antics are sleazy and sad. When she finished attempting to siphon fans away from Lisa, she turned her laser eye (an insert courtesy of the robotic bitch factory) onto Brandi; accusing her of being a bad mother, a druggie, and even going so far as to try and have her fired from the show!
More is sometimes less – especially with plastic surgery and flowers! [Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
Adrienne tried to make amends with Lisa by sending her all of the enchanted forest in the form of a hideous floral arrangement.
Adrienne got herself in a little mess where she maybe sort of absolutely did not OK, so she did send a cease-and-desist letter to Brandi because Brandi unearthed a little secret that Adrienne’s twins were not born via her own va-jay-jay but from that of a surrogate’s! A secret Adrienne was so hell-bent on hiding she had Bravo edit out the word only to sell the reveal to the highest tabloid bidder.
Somewhere in a fabulous palace overlooking the hills of California, Lisa cackled over a cup of rosehip tea spiked with Pimms. ‘Oh that’s too rich,’ she cooed to Giggy, turning the pages of Us Weekly, gleefully, before picking up the phone to ask Andy Cohen if she could expect to see Adrienne on season 4.
Unfortunately not! And no amount of posturing in fake relationships with pre-pubescent ex-druggies or last ditch attempts to skip the reunion were going to get Adrienne a contract renewal. What’s done is done! Hopefully she’ll have better luck with her other ventures, like Zing Vodka ironically endorsed by domestic abuser Chris Brown. Or her restaurant, positioned effectively for maximum comparison to Villa Blanca.
I mean I hope Adrienne owns more than 2% of these ventures, because Bernie needs the money to pay all his legal fees!
Yes, Paul – we feel sick too! [Credit: DJDM / WENN.com]
So we salute you Adrienne. Off you go and thanks at least for the hair tinsel. That was a laugh. For a good minute or two you had us all fooled. And many more thanks for not producing a song. Really, the purses were hilariously bad enough!
[Main Photo Credit: DJDM/WENN.com]
TELL US – WILL YOU MISS ADRIENNE? WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MALOOF-MOMENT?
