Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we got the answer to an important question: Who is Faye Resnick in this world? She is morally corrupt, desperate, ruthless, ill-mannered and really quite frankly a hot judgmental mess. Hey honey you got your camera time and you got to do it all while wearing a Barbie's Dream Collection seafoam Mother-of-the-bride inspired tacky-a$$ nightmare. No amount of borrowed David's Bridal will make you a lady!
I really wish I didn't have to discuss Fayded Retchnick at all on this blog because I don't want to give her any attention or satisfaction – which is exactly what people like her are looking for – but I suppose I have to. But before we are forced to contend with the horrible…
Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump and Ken planning their vow renewal. Lisa is nervous and cute about a public display, but she knows it means a lot to Ken. And most endearingly after 30 years of marriage you can tell they truly do adore each other and are blissfully happy.
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Lisa has Brandi Glanville over so they can miss a very important event and instead get a massage, have some girltalk, and get appropriately dry-humped by Ken. It was a good decision…
On the other side of 'the Hills where paradise has been lost, Adrienne Maloof is hosting a garden of debauchery themed party to celebrate Zing Vodka, her latest venture. Ok – what was this party?
Adrienne had visions of that rave she attended in The Valley in '98 ("Rolling with the homies…"). That night, rolling on E*, dancing in the strobe lights with glow sticks on her wrists, was the last time she truly had fun, let go, and enjoyed her life; when her original nose didn't come back to haunt her and she wasn't worried about how crispy her hair felt. At least that's what I think she was going for with the Zing launch…
What she created from her visions, obviously clouded by a long-lost joy, was a haunted mansion filled with laser light shows, circ du soleil rejects, and Adrienne swanning around in her Mistress of the Brothel nightgown presiding over the band of freaks like an evil circus mistress. I was yearning for Mohamad's mermaid…
Truly haunting us most of all is Bernie in the kitchen with the cheese balls! Sounds like a Clue mystery! That's right – Adrienne is hiring a chef to serve cheeseballs, cubes of cheddar (white and yellow!) and slices of white bread. She practically cuts off Paul Nassif's knuckles when he tries to nab a bite. If I were Paul, I'd be wary of anything Bernie cooked…#poison
Adrienne complains that Paul is self-obsessed and all about me first because he doesn't help around the house. And he is desperate for attention.
As Splits Richards wandered through the bright red front entryway where a naked statue danced, she became alarmed. Fear widened in Splits' eyes as she held her clutch at the ready stance and who came winding around the bend but a celestial goddess, all light and air and grace. It was only Yolanda Foster, but Kyle had never been so happy to see an associate of Lisa's before in her life! YoFabulous could have told Kyle she looked like hell and that dress made her look fat and droopy and Kyle would still cry with happiness.
Inside the party, clutching the ethereal Yo, Kyle meets up with her evil band of croney witches. As the ladies gather around the vodka sill and choke back a drink, Marisa Zanuck decides now is the time to snare some long-awaited camera time. Seemingly forgetting that she's spent the entire season bashing her husband, she reads aloud a so-called offensive text Brandi sent her suggesting Marisa and Dean give each other a hallpass to "save their marriage."
Couple of points: 1) This was clearly a joke. 2) Was Marisa REALLY really acting like she was offended? Every single time we've seen her on camera she's either mute or bashing her husband while complaining about her marriage. I get it the producers told her to read the text and I get it they set her up to bash Brandi and she went along with it, but c'mon with the false outrage!
Yolanda is disappointed that Marisa wouldn't confront Brandi directly if she was bothered. She gently touches her face, focuses her eyes on Marisa, and says 'No… do not let them corrupt you.' But alas the allure of fame has already nabbed Marisa. Adrienne, promising her immunity and camera time, has gotten into Marisa's head like a nasty little fly buzzing around the kitchen.
It is at this moment that Faye appears on screen. Seemingly out of nowhere she materializes in a cloud of orangey haze, reeking of burnt plastic; charging through the red-lit atmosphere like a destructive meteorite. Yolanda wrinkles her nose and clutches her lemon talisman for protection. 'Thank you Jesus for sparing me from taxidermy-ing my face,' she whispers, quickly tossing the rancid shot of vodka over her shoulder.
Faye begins to insist Brandi is a homewrecking cheater who totally slept with someone in Portia's bathroom during Splits' White Party. If only Splits wouldn't have been helicopter hair whipping and high kicking around the pool she could have intervened. Faye insists it is Brandi's fault her marriage failed. LeAnn Rimes must be paying Faye off…
Shockingly Kyle actually defends Brandi denying she wouldn't hook-up with a married man. Good for you Splits. Good. For. You. #Progress!
Though Faye has no proof of this indiscretion she knows it's true because what… Adrienne told her? She was secretly looking at Kyle's security cameras? Faye was the one in the bathroom having sex? Yolanda tells Faye that trash talk is filthy, just like her own past, and she should check herself before she wrecks herself. She wants proof from Faye and Adrienne of Brandi's alleged backstabbing and otherwise this conversation is over.
I interrupt this conversation to wonder what the hell was up with Camille Grammer?! Old season one cameltoe couldn't hide for long, could she?! The real Camille slithered out, pursed lips and wide eyes ready for pernicious attack, and she joined ranks with the rubber catified faces of skid marks. Oh Camille – what on earth could Adrienne have on you?
Camille, sniveling up to Adrienne like her life support is drawn from the Maloof's human stain, insists she defended her evil empress against Brandi's attack in Vegas. Hags and The Women Who Can't Break Free Of Them, this spring on Lifetime.
DID ADRIENNE & CAMILLE TRY TO STAGE A RHOBH BOYCOTT?
These women are making me physically ill! I mean the backstabbing, pettiness – it was truly gross. I felt like vomiting and I hadn't even drank any Zing! Poor Paul he gets body makeup and pretends to be one of the human statues to tease Adrienne. She calls him pathetic and sneers at him. I thought it was cute and playful… The next day Paul decides that was his last public humiliation and files for divorce.
The next day it is discovered that Adrienne and Paul have announced their separation. Approximately zero people are surprised. Faye is gleeful and judicious. She will now prove her loyalty to the evil mistress once and for all by crashing Lisa's housewarming party (I'm sure producers invited her – not Lisa) and accusing Brandi of destroying Adrienne's marriage.
Everyone has lots to say about Adrienne's marital mess. Brandi is not surprised given the rumors that they had an open marriage. #lawsuit! #invisiblecease-and-desist She is far more surprised that Marisa wore her desperation on her sleeve, joined ranks with the aging mean girls who were clearly high schools biggest losers and sluts and are now trying to make up for lost time.
Kyle dabs at her misty eyes as she tells Mauricio how sad she is that Adrienne and Paul weren't able to make it work. 'I don't understand,' she sniffles. "Wooooow…" Mauricio drones, googling invisible noise canceling earplugs.
Kim Richards hops on screen to explain to us that marriage is about teamwork. And teams like work together. Teams are like more than one and aren't teams great. Too bad she didn't have a team, I mean she had a couple, but hahahahaha! Those teams didn't work together. Oh and Brandi, well … is she on a team? Huh? Kim doesn't know, but she sure likes teams. Maybe she'll join a bowling league.
As the guests arrive, Lisa graciously greets each of them at the door. Splits is wearing the reject dress from last weeks Alene Too shindig. Lisa and Brandi debrief that day's RadarOnlies stories planted by Adrienne, including the interesting one which blames Brandi for their marriage breaking up. And everyone spends the entire party discussing Adrienne and Paul.
Dang – Brandi must be some kinda magic. She broke up Adrienne's marriage and she didn't even have to sleep with either of them! Taylor Armstrong arrives and she is dyed a Maloof-tone of deep orangina. She sits down on Lisa's furniture and we all winced hoping no human staining would take place. Then she dishily tells Kim that Paul has moved out on occasion. Taylor is the arbiter on tacky divorces after all …
And then the fireworks begin… First Linda Thompson shows up and gives Lisa a jar of homemade jam as a Housewarming party. Lisa seems truly surprised to see her, especially since Linda and her jam (and rubber face) come bustling over while Lisa and Yo are talking. Lisa asks Yolanda if she's OK and Yolanda is fine with Linda. 'I mean, I look much better for my age than she does. No worries there, right Lis!' she quips.
Again Faye materializes from nowhere. This time wearing seafoam. She clearly arrived late at producers instructions, without invitation, and she clearly was not welcome at an event where the hostess manages barely contained contempt for her.
Yolanda and Brandi decide to have a talk with Marisa. Yolanda simply wants Marisa to tell Brandi her feelings were hurt by the text and explain why she didn't tell Brandi about it. And unsurprisingly since she has been hanging out with Kyle and Adrienne, Marisa's story drastically changes. She is backpedaling and denying that she ever was trash talking Brandi behind her back. Shady, shad…
Faye, so desperate for camera time it's embarrassing, decides she needs to "save" Marisa and stomps over to scream in Brandi's face with her clearly rehearsed lines, practiced in the mirror at Splits' house over and over again. Too bad she still stuttered through her insults.
Faye tries to drag Splits over there, but Kyle is rightfully afraid of Yolanda and savvy to the producer machinations. Oh but not Faye. She wore her sheer and tacky dress for a reason and she needs that surgically altered mess of a plastic surgery nightmare to get maximum exposure. To warn us, you understand, of the dangers of excessive plastic surgery!
Brandi and Yolanda advise her to leave as she is not involved. "I'm involved in everything," Faye demands, inching closer and refusing to leave. Faye, delusionally, tells poor Yolanda that she is being "misled by a very bad girl." Yolanda basically laughs in her face. 'I'm not being misled, I'm 48 and I know YOU Faye are a trashy piece of work and I have no interest in conversing with me. Please do not get too close, I am wearing white and I do not want your orange toxicity staining me.'
Faye then tells Brandi no matter how much Chanel she borrows she'll never be a lady. Did anyone else burst out laughing at the audacity of Playboy Spread lecturing Brandi about being ladylike? Close those legs, Morally Corrupt!
The best part was that Brandi almost burst out laughing, called her Ursick and Rancid, and Faye continued trying to insist Brandi broke up Adrienne's marriage. Does Adrienne have the unretouched Playboy stills of Faye and is threatening to release that dick to the media? It was so SAD the way she tripped over her words.
Brandi and Yolanda waltzed away to go laugh in the bathroom about what a loser Faye is. Yolanda called her "pathetic" to her face, which was amazing.
'Oh my god – that was SO lame,' I can imagine Brandi shrieking. Faye did essentially throw her flaccid dick on the table just to see if it would get any attention. It didn't. SECURITY! Please escort this morally corrupt woman out of the party!
Kyle, little tip: You are the company you keep… which makes you Faye Jr.
Poor Lisa on top of everything else, next week Adrienne shows up to ruin Lisa's affair.
*I am in no way suggesting Adrienne Maloof ever did drugs. I was merely joking. And I also wanted to title this recap Dick On A Table, like Dick In A Box. haha!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT IS FAYE'S DEAL – WHY IS SHE SO OBSESSED WITH CAMERA TIME? WAS YOLANDA STIRRING THE POT WITH MARISA OR BEING A GOOD FRIEND? IS BRANDI RESPONSIBLE FOR BREAKING UP ADRIENNE'S MARRIAGE?
