Last night was the conclusion of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. And it was a whirlin', twirlin', spinning time. There were more lies, half-truths, and defense mechanisms swirling around that stage than in the eye of a tornado. And I'm dizzy.
A certain someone in a yellow dress needs to sit down and get her twirl out of Andy Cohen's face. Lord knows that may have been the closest he's ever been to a lady's anatomy.
Things begin with recapping Kim Zolciak's exit from the stage (and the show!). She texted NeNe Leakes a bevy of glowing compliments. In exchange NeNe wishes her well and calls her out on the wig pieces she was trying to pass off as her "real hair". Wig shade never ceases to amuse me. I call Kim's clip-in beehive "Marge".
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Then Kandi Burruss is in the hot seat over Todd. Kandi clearly loves him and seems hurt that people are questioning some of her decisions with her relationship. You're on reality TV! Kandi discusses NeNe implying her ring is not big and fabulous enough. Maybe short people need more diminutive rings? Or maybe Kandi has less flashy taste? Personally, I think it's a beautiful ring and if she's happy with it, that's all that matters. NeNe was throwing shade, plain and simple, and it was not flattering.
And then the good stuff… Andy asks Krayonce Moore about Walter Jackson. And Kenya, again, is obfuscating all over the place, fan flapping, about how she believed in that relationship and he was using her for fame. There were more changing stories flying around than there were twirls and hair flips and fan flicks. Then she starts in with why she called him gay on national TV. Even Andy was like, girl please.
First of all Kenya claims she started dating Walter more seriously when she moved to Atlanta. However, during the show Krayonce told us she moved to Atlanta for Walter, which is why she thought a proposal was coming. Then she tells us they have never had sex because she is a rare and precious jewel who does not open her jewelry box to undeserving men. Remember she is the former first second black Miss WHO-SA, who dates the A-List upper echelon of Hollywood elite and Walter was a mere tow truck driver with a toupee. So you moved to ATL for a man you didn't think deserved your hoo-ha? A likely story. More like he was afraid krazy was katchin'! And Miss Silicone Accouterments has no business outing a toupee!
One thing I appreciate about NeNe is she directly calls Kenya out on the alleged fake relationship. She believed all along the relationship was dubious and told Cynthia Bailey that before Anguilla! HA! Phaedra Parks says she also found Kenya's behavior "odd" because if Kenya was so into Walter, why was she flirting with everyone. Kenya is just "flirtatious". It's keeping her options – not her legs – open!
It's pretty obvious that Kenya had an illusion man to go along with her illusion netting and we see right. through. you.
Here's what I don't get – she was all sorts of furious that Phaedra called her "crazy" and a "drunk" on TV claiming that insults her character, yet she doesn't feel that what she is doing to Walter is the same thing? She called him gay and a stalker repeatedly! Ok, so either the relationship WAS fake and she's annoyed that he called her out in an attempt to defend himself (which I and every single person on RHOA seems to believe) – or she is upset it didn't work out and is vindictive. Either way it's not appropriate to behave that way; especially not as a 40-something woman who claims she is ready for marriage and children. That is high school behavior and very tasteless.
Kenya, of course, blames Phaedra and starts complaining that she called her a "whore." Kenya believes since Phaedra had sex with a convicted felon and got pregnant, she's the whore. Even NeNe seemed to think this was too low judging by the expression. Phaedra remarks that she won't go into "all the things [Kenya] has done because this is not the place."
Kenya tests out her "don't come for me…" line again and Phaedra is like, 'Bitch you didn't need to send for me, cause I'm right up on top of your booty tasing it with my Phaedra Sparks, now sit down before the silicone melts!' Kenya and Phaedra fight dirty! Below the ovaries. BELOW. THE. OVARIES.
Kenya is "so happy right now" in her love life with her Nigerian Oil Heir who seduced her with a series of lovely Craigslist ads wooing her with promises of his amazing family and riches if only she could help him first by loaning him $3,000. Kenya blushes and cackles and tears up about the romanticism of her amazing new man. NeNe says he's an "ol' black man"! I hope it's not Papa Smurf!
Moving on, the husbands take the stage and their panties are in a bunch before they sit down. Kordell did not attend. Porsha Stewart says he's "working". Working on filing secret divorce papers, that is!
Peter Thomas confronts Krayonce about Walter (at Andy's behest) and says she was chasing that man all season, but then trying to accuse him of being gay when he outed her game. Peter says as a friend he is defending Walter who isn't there himself. Andy takes a poll to see who believes the relationship was real, and Gregg pipes up with "Define 'relationship'…" No one believes Kenya. Even Andy.
Kenya accuses the husbands of playing dirty because Walter called them before he did the radio interview – every single one of them says they warned him not to do it. So Kenya blames Phaedra saying she was representing Walter in some way and acting as his PR?
Kenya claims no one she has ever dated has spoken unkind about her. Um… I think they may be afraid. Watch your heads – a fan (or a twirl) might cut them off.
As Peter and Apollo Nida continue to try and corner Kenya, she hops up and starts spinning around; twirling her ice capades caftan from Kyle By AleneToo in Andy's face. Poor Andy – he was drowning in tulle, frantically waving his hands to free himself. 'HELP!' he croaked as some body glitter whacked him in the eye. "HELP!" Mercifully the madness was subdued. And on the sofa Kenya mumbled her talisman to herself. "I'm gone with the wind fabulous… I'm gone with the wind fabulous…" she whispered trying to make the noise of truth go away. I feel really embarrassed for her. I'm sorry – everyone was laughing at her.
"That's all a commotion, baby," Peter remarks, pointing out that Krayonce reacts that way when she doesn't like what she hears. Dr. Peter to the rescue! Why is Peter so much more interesting than Cynthia? Did she say more than two words this whole reunion?
Andy asks Apollo about Kenya. "I really don't care much for her," he says. To which Kenya snaps, "Maybe you should stop texting me then." OH. MY. If looks could kill, Phaedra has done murdered Kenya ten times over and buried her. And not Willie Watkins style! Apollo claims Kenya has been trying to get him and promising to give him what his wife won't among other things. Kenya claims it's the opposite way around. She shows Andy the so-called incriminating texts from Apollo. Andy smirks that it doesn't look like "sexting," just conversation. And is like, NEXT!
"And that's why I called her a whore," Phaedra explains, saying she knew about the texts. Kenya claims Apollo initiated it. Both of them are highly defensive, yelling back and forth. Gregg, ever my favorite hubby ( I love Gregg!!) wants to see the phone. Me too!
And this, here people, is what I call K-R-A-Z-Y and when a Lifetime Movie gets made about Krayonce's antics, I will not be surprised. 'You say I'm a whore, I say I'm irresistible.' #twirl 'You say I'm stalking, I say they want me! Gone With The Wind Stalking… Gone With The Wind Stalking…'
I don't know what to say about all of this but I have two comments:
1) Apollo should never have texted back. Not "Thank you" – nothing. And he should have told Phaedra immediately if he received any texts that seemed untoward or were persistent – especially after the business deal fell apart. Maybe he did tell her immediately, but no married man should be engaging in that behavior.
2) Kenya is gross. What sort of woman does that?! And I fully believe her intent was malicious. And like Peter said, if Apollo was coming on to her – why did she entertain it? Either way the situation is sleazy!
Phaedra intimates that Kenya has been down this road with a married man before. This whole reunion needs fanning cause it is getting too hot.
Then we are treated to a 20 minute monologue from Porsha about love, marriage, struggles, the show, learning and growing through her relationship, finding her way in both love and career and feeling like her sisters were not there to support her. She stroked the egos of all the ladies about how they have it all and she wants both a career and a happy marriage. It was quite the impassioned speech, so go on preach.
Meanwhile a screen scroll was rolling on the bottom of the screen that read "BREAKING! KORDELL FILES FOR DIVORCE FROM PORSHA STEWART; CHANGES LOCKS & ACCUSES HER OF BEING OUT ALL NIGHT PARTYING!" Apparently Kordell's version of "support" is total kontroll or divorce. NeNe was right.
Hopefully in her next relationship Porsha finds all that she is looking for. And good for her for admitting her life is not perfect despite having a wealthy husband and a so-called charmed life. Porsha feels she was treated unfairly mean by the ladies and Cynthia is quick to point out that was not true and reminds us of her horrible first season.
Then Porsha hops up and belts out "Amazing Grace." Is this like the test song to determine if a Housewife is a terrible enough singer to warrant a Autotune By Bravo song? I have to say, Porsha actually can sing decently. I was really surprised. I was expecting much, much worse. And she managed to avoid saying the word "wench."
Things close with Andy asking NeNe about the season. NeNe comments that she thinks they need a new Housewife, but doesn't want to say who. Me too #ImpeachKenya Although NeNe was fairly complimentary to the cast and says it was much less negative than past seasons. Everyone seems to have had a positive experience, except Phaedra.
Too bad for NeNe that everyone has already been confirmed for season 6. I know NeNe wanted Phaedra to go – maybe next year! haha
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – KENYA AND APOLLO: WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHO DOES NENE WANT REPLACED? WHAT ARE YOUR FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE SEASON?
