On last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey the Gorgadice battle continued, although the small beginnings of a peace treaty seemed to have been forged. Maybe…
Things begin in Casa de Giudice. Teresa Giudice is cooking while wrangling four screaming girls. Apparently there is some confustion (Teresa tawk) about who is actually the mama because while Milania is playing on the stove terrorizing some peppers, Gia is lecturing her about safety. Teresa meanwhile is flitting around in full hair and makeup yelling, "O.M.G!"
Teresa says she always reminds her girls to stick together and not end up married to men their siblings hate. Then she gives them a lecture on table manners. 1) Like, don't scream 'prostitution whore' unless the person really is a prostitution whore and has been engaged like 19 times! Like O.M.G!
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2) Don't flip the table cause like spaghetti sauce stains and is hard to get out of sequins. 3) Like three, ummm… oh yeah – if someone brings you cookies from ShopRite throw them away BEHIND the person's back, not in front of them cause otherwise they might try to ruin your life on TV! Milania is making Where The WIld Things Are faces at Teresa the whole time. I love her.
Unfortunately there is some sadness happening, Teresa's father is about to have surgery to get a pacemaker and the girls are making cards for him. Teresa talks about how important it is for her daughters to be close with their grandparents since hers lived in Italy while she was growing up. It was very sweet. I hope NoNo feels better and it was nice that they were making homemade cards.
Teresa is also sad that after the play date with Melissa Gorga things are no closer to being mended.
Over at the Gorgas they are selling their mansion without much success. Melissa is desperate to get away from Teresa, even though each of their houses span like a spare block and they apparently haven't even seen each other in over a year. Melissa goes to church, makes the backwards sign of the cross, prays the house will sell and then is confused about why it doesn't work out… I mean she even throws this big, lavish Happy Birthday Baby Jesus party every Christmas!
Their real estate agent comes over and is like, 'Um… Here's the problem: NO ONE wants to live near Teresa – not just you guys!'
Then we pay a visit to The Manzos where Lauren is crying, whining, and throwing a tantrum because Mommy went to Starbucks and didn't bring her coffee. Maybe Lauren needs to marry Slade Smiley – I hear he is an expert at working the Keurig. Or she could GET HER OWN DAMN COFFEE LIKE EVERY OTHER 25-YEAR-OLD!
Al is surprised to find out Caroline Manzo's sister Fran has been living there with her dog Frito for TWO MONTHS. So… um… two months, eh? I mean sure – it's a small dog, but the man didn't notice for two months? Anyway, Caroline announces she is going to text Teresa and try to help her work through things with Poison. Al beats his head against the marble countertop, says he forgot something at work, and disappears for another two months. When he returns Lauren has turned into a grown up… Oh, wait…
So the Wallpapers are teaching Joseph to drive. Wallpaper Wakile tells us Richie wants to be the "cool dad" and we all laugh cause that's not possible. Kathy complains that Richie tries to live vicariously though Poison and Juicy their son since he was such a loser in high school no one talked to him or something.
While Kathy takes Joseph on a driving lesson in the brand new leased Mercedes wagon, Richie sits in the back seat making lewd comments to Joseph and acting like safe driving is like so effing stupid. Hahahahaha! People could die while you're trying to date rape some girl and not paying attention. Oh that's so hilarious!
Later they visit Victoria at college where Richie continues to act grotesque and I just ignored them.
Jacqueline Laurita films a video for Parenting Magazine that discusses what it is like raising Nicholas since his diagnosis. My business is snark but I refuse to say anything about Nicholas except that he is adorable and my heart breaks for their family. It seems they are extremely dedicated to his care and that's amazing.
I will say one thing – all the botox has frozen Jacqueline's tear ducts and she is always doing that crunchy ugly cry face with no tears and it creeps me out.
Later Poison comes over to play pool with Chris and after discussing post-manopausal erection rates, Poison enquires about whether or not Chris still gets laid in between parenting his special needs child and dealing with Jacqueline. Chris says yes and Poison tears up and says he's the realest man he knows. That sound of retching you heard in the background wasn't Jacqueline crawling out of the wine cellar, it was me puking over the fakeness.
And FINALLY… like a beacon of drama in the storm recycled storylines; Kim D appears! Oh Kim… you appear like a mirage, all Posche and ready to conquer the world. Who can turn the world on with her spite? Who can take a nothing fashion show and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? It's you girl – you Kim D! Now throw Teresa's Paris Hilton for Claire's Boutique bedazzled baseball hat in the air and hope it gets picked up by the wind and carried to the NJ dump.
I love Kim D. Her crazy. Her LiLoLo chain smoking voice. Her demented babydoll extensions. I want to run with the big boys! #Posche4Life
Teresa tells us Kim is super loyal, which is something she can't say about most of the broads in Franklin Fakes. Ahemmm… Jacqueline! Speaking of which, Caroline texts Teresa at that very moment to invite her to chat about siblings who hate you. Kim is like, 'Girl… lemme hook you up – I know a guy, who knows my friends's cousin's hair dresser, and he saw Al at Wendy's last week in a pair of jorts getting out of a limo with like 18 escorts. Want me to have him show up at the meeting? Oh also – about that blush – it's not working. Come with me… '
Melissa and Poison host an open house to prove that buying the place does not include any naked Juicy sightings in the neighborhood. Was I the only person who heard Melissa saying "real-a-tor" over and over again? She and Teresa need some Hooked on Phonics! Anyhoodle, I was under the impression that one is not present during an open house, but their real-a-tor is.
And in walks Jennifer Dalton, the new RHONJ extra. Jennifer resembles a Troll Doll who by some miracle has been able to plaster down the hair. And she's shady like a cat. Apparently Jennifer only hangs out with members of the Jacqueline Wildenstein Fan Club – and Teresa. Yes, she's a 'friend' of Teresa's and Melissa will deign to let her into the house because girl knows people with money and Melissa needs to sell this house before they get foreclosed on!
Poison reveals that he loves his house, but his wife is unhappy which means they have to sell. Later Teresa will explain why Poison is powerless to resist Melissa… I suggest having a trash can handy!
Jennifer and clients tour the premises, which means uncovering some interesting details. Like cracks in the ceiling! As they turn on a sink, the faucet falls off and no wuuuter comes out. Oh! And the marble basin is all cracked along the edge because it's actually made of plywood Poison sponge painted to resemble marble. Those are some high-end finishes, y'all! Bargains By Bravo. I didn't realize Home Depot's warehouse sale contained such luxury items.
Jennifer smirks, sits down with Melissa and "Joey Michaelangelo" and lays it out. 'First of all, no matter how hard you try On Display, your house is as phony as your J. Faux music act. Second of all – '$3.8M? Deeeelusional… There's not even a pool!" There went the neighborhood…
How amazing would it have been if Kim G showed up, told her driver to keep the car running, waltzed through real quick and said 'Honey – I'll make you an offer! All cash. Quick close. Do you have change for a $20?' Before cackling hysterically and sauntering out. #RHONJDreams
Moving on, it's time for Caroline and Teresa to prepare for battle. Caroline goes over her talking points with Lauren while getting her makeup done. Lauren takes issue with the fact that Teresa's girls are being "raised by wolves" and therefore will never be as special and amazing as the Gorga spawn. I really don't think Lauren, living in her "big girl room" at 25, should talk about anyone's parenting!
Over at the Juicy's, Jr. Mafia Joew is scrutinizing some bills or something with a magnifying glass. Apparently if you can't see the amount you owe, it doesn't count.
Teresa tells him about meeting with Caroline and Juicy is skeptical. His advice: "If she starts to lecture you or say things about your brother, just leave." Teresa wants an apology from Caroline. She's gonna be waiting until her hair deflates for that. Let's discuss Teresa's hair for a second – what was that hair-met? She needs to tone down the clip-ins cause it is heading into 1990's hair metal music video!
Teresa then goes on a tangent about how Poison ended up being poisoned by Melissa. According to legend, if a girl has her period and puts blood in a wine glass or something and says it's merlot you're forever under her tranzzz. And then if you go down on the girl – forghhhedaboutit. Joe looks nausea. If Juicy looks confused and ill, I think that's when you know you've lost it.
Meeting at the Ho-Ho-Kuss Inn & Tavern, Teresa and Caroline are both wearing royal blue. According to my RHONJ Magic Hate Ball, wearing the same color means good things to come! Both ladies sit down to discuss the inevitability of who is to blame in the great Gorgadice fallout which has forever changed history. Caroline takes issue with Teresa remaining friends with Kim D. Teresa points out that Poison apologized to Kim and if he can forgive her – why can't they be friends? Furthermore, Poison is still friends with Jacqueline and look what she did to Teresa?
When Caroline brings up mending families, Teresa reminds her about Dina. Caroline says she doesn't want Teresa and Joe to be that way and wants to help them. It goes back and forth – Teresa wants apologies from everyone; Caroline feels the light has left Teresa's eyes.
I have to say except for some brief screaming fits, things went pretty well and the ladies seemed to come to some peace. Teresa did a good job matching Caroline point-for-point. Gia must have been texting her under the tables. Or flashing cue cards out the window.
Caroline tried to make Teresa see the bigger picture – that her parents will not live forever and then she will only have Poison. Caroline seems to recognize that Teresa AND Melissa are both at fault here. Which helped. Teresa agreed to meet half-way and give the situation another chance. Progress!
Unfortunately Caroline didn't get the "Danielle Treatment". No tables were harmed in the filming of this segment. Adult conversations are so boring!
Over at Jacqueline's there is some sort of poker night/bitch session happening in which Melissa brings canoli that's not from ShopRite making Teresa's weave smoke and Rosie discusses strap-ons with the Manzo spawn. Why is Rosie wearing ascots this season?
That lovely scene was interrupted by a truly lovely scene. Chris surprises Jacqueline with a new milestone for Nicholas. They've been working on him re-learning 'I love you' and he is able to tell his mommy he loves her. It was so sweet. I totally cried. Awww… Yay Nicholas!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WAS CAROLINE MEDDLING? WAS SHE HELPFUL? WHAT DID YOU THINK OF JENNIFER?
