Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey some tepid family bonds were forged while others remained more fractured than a crackle manicure. Oh deja Jersey – coming back to haunt us like bad ju-ju!
Things begin with the aftermath of Joe Gorga's gym baptism by fire. Poison is driving home talking to himself, mumbling "bitch" and other little rude names. The voices in his head really shouldn't be so hard on him. He's only a man, after all. A flawed one, but still only a man with a penchant for weight lifting, Tarzan-ing, and embarrassing himself.
He stomps into the house where a perfectly made up Melissa Gorga is relaxing on her bed begging daughter Antonia to "write" her book for her. Melissa tells Antonia about including stories about her own dad in the book. Melissa is running the including her dad thing by everyone as if she really cares about anyone's opinion. Girl is going to include all her dad's dirrry secrets because it sells books and there is no point to writing a book if it isn't to sell it!
Melissa says she doesn't want her daughter to see the type of family life she had and right on cue here comes Poison grunting and talking himself down from jumping off the faux-marble roof as he barges in to let Melissa know that Teresa Giudice was ranting about fake Chanel on Twitter or something.
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Melissa is like, yeah, I gave her a taste of her own medicine. And then Tarzan starts bellowing about how his parents hate his wife and think she's the devil. Are they going to include these anecdotes about a love and support in their "marriage bible"?
Melissa reminds Joe that Teresa is like a master manipulator. I mean she could easily take over a third-world country and become a dictatress; I mean look at how she's completely commandeered RHONJ and Andy Cohen with her powers of sparkly, leopard-print, be-tanned, fabel-pukie manipulation! Like, DUH, Joe – she cooks books!
Poison doesn't get it though. Low IQs run in the fambly. He tells us only he can say horrible things about his sister because that is his sister and he loves her. She's his garbage only! Does Poison have multiple personalities? He loves Teresa, he hates her. No one can be mean to her but him… Oh, I'm so confused!
In an equally perplexing parallel universe, the Guidices have brought a side-pony rocking Milania to her soccer game. Milania's version of soccer is to run around the field spraying fairy dust and lassoing people with her t-shirt tail, but whatever!
As Teresa and Juicy sit in the sidelines commenting on Milania's non soccer playing, they of course talk about the Poison incident. Juicy calls him "bipolian", which may have or may not have been a clever combination of Napoleon complex (cause he's so petite!) and Bipolar. I am putting way too much faith – and brain power – in Juicy, aren't I? Teresa quickly corrects him that Poison is actually "bipolar" and Juicy gives us a fairly accurate history lesson on Napoleon. Well knock me over with a side-pony!
Teresa is confused about why Poison told Caroline Manzo he wants to make up with her and then was screaming in her face at the gym. Teresa tried to diffuse the situation by flinging water at him, but he didn't melt and instead went home to Melissa to throw a bigger tantrum. Juicy reminds Teresa that Melissa got out her strap-on and poor ol' whipped Poison doesn't have a chance of making his own decision. Other parents wither with disgust, prompting Milania to whip them with her t-shirt tail. Don't mess with the Juicys!
All the other ladies who actually spend time together are headed to some event for Benefit Cosmetics where they're doing eyebrow threading. Caroline muses about how Jacqueline Laurita needs the girl time since she's so busy being a mom to Nicholas. Caroline forgot that Jacqueline spends her "me time" on twitter instead of threading… or working out…
In the middle of everyone getting their eyebrows ripped out and their warpaint spackled on, Caroline receives a call. It's Teresa! Her ears must have been ringing cause everyone was talking about her again. She tells Caroline about the gym thing and how she's like confused since Poison supposedly wanted to get along again. Caroline suggests they get "professional help".
"Professional help" as in WWF get in a ring and beat the ish out of each other professional help? Can you even imagine the awesomeness of Teresa and Melissa's wrestling alter egos!?! Or professional help like a therapist wearing a full body armor? Or professional help like Bravo orchestrating a "family intervention"?
Teresa has decided they should try "holistic" healing. Huh? Anything concerning RHONJ is more like a$$ hole-istic. Are they all going to hop in a zebra-print sweat lodge until the glitter seeps out of their bloodstream and their skin color returns to a normal-ish hue and then cry their false eyelashes off about how they're all the same person even if they did or did not work at Lookers and act like "garbage"? Kim D will dump cheap champagne into the steam generators to really get things rolling…
Caroline, knowing when she's beat, bows out and gets threaded. Meanwhile Rosie and the gang discuss Teresa some more. Ladies – get a hobby!
Later Jacqueline spends some time with Nicholas trying to get him to work on the iPad. Unfortunately he's in a cranky mood which put Jacqueline in a cranky mood. Parenthood is hard – and thankfully Chris and Jacqueline can support each other. I do have to wonder though, does Nicholas' autism therapy include daily hair styling? Kid is always rocking serious hair gel.
At Wallpaper Wakile's she's working hard to start her cannoli business. Richie is her business partner, except he's not really interested in partnering at all but instead telling Kathy what to do. He ordered a ton of boring plain bakery boxes to ship out her cannolis, which makes Kathy le sad cause she wanted fancy boxes with logos and bows. Richie believes no one cares about packaging and plain boxes are fine – and cheap. Richie – please consult Tiffany's. Everybody loves a fancy box!
Richie tells us Kathy doesn't know anything about business cause she's a "housewife" not an ENTREE-preneur. Richie is an ENTREE-preneur, despite being unable to pronounce the word. #GiudiceSchoolOfLanguage. Later he surprises Wallpaper by showing her the industrial kitchen he rented on her behalf so she could be producing 1000s of cannoli per day in a mass factory product line all by herself! Kathy is frustrated because Richie refuses to let her make any decisions or treat her like an adult.
I find this ironic considering Richie is desperate to be the cool kid in high school (at 50), is dressing head-to-toe in loser frat boy Abercrombie attire from 2004 (popped collar polo shirts and hoodies, anyone?), is teasing his teenaged son about not being ready to have to have sex and advising him to molest women while stealing his Ferrari, yet KATHY is the imbecile? BTW: Doesn't Riche realize layers make you look fatter? Kathy and Richie definitely need to communicate better. Maybe Caroline can mediate…
Speaking of which, Caroline has pretty much permanently relocated to the pet-free and Albert-free zone of Hoboken. Conveniently at the same time that Albie and Chrissofart also moved there and started a business. Has anyone ever seen Serial Mom? That is so Caroline! Interestingly none of her children want to get married since their parent's relationship is such a mess of Al completely ignoring Caroline and working constantly. In fact he's planning to go to Europe for a month but won't even spend a weekend with her.
Caroline's spawn want to follow in daddy's footsteps of career over love. Chrissofart never wants to reproduce for fear that he may end up with fat little daughters in need of chastity belts or something. I'm thinking he's attended the Juicy School of Parenting. #Vasectomy.
Lauren takes this opportunity to remind everyone that she was fat in case we forgot. Talking about how you're fat while rocking a bright orange Oompa Loompa tan is never a good idea, Laur-o. Oh she's also decided to put Vito and his pastrami out to pasture. Now that she's gotten a lapband she's not interested in the mozzarella factory that is former boyfriend.
So anyway, is Caroline really equipped to give advice when all her children want to basically remain celibate and instead chase fame and BLK. Water instead of having a relationship? I stand by my belief that Caroline threatens any girls that come near her Albie until they run for fear of ending up on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.
Rosie gets together with Poison to tell him her plans to reach out to Teresa. Poison claims Teresa doesn't want to hear the truth or get along, for instance when they saw each other at the gym she was immediately all negatives and blame. Color me Jersey orange and confused, but wasn't it Poison who started complaining at Teresa first? Rosie is undeterred – she wants to oust Kathy from her role and Housewife and she's gonna step up to the plate and confront the Queen of Hair – even if it's off with her newly made-up head!
Teresa is desperately trying to convince us she writes her own blogs. Gia has written out all the important points in her Lisa Frank notebook and Teresa is one-hand typing and reading aloud as she tries to copy it into the computer. Luckily she is distracted by a phone call. It's Rosie! See Rosie wants to clear her sister's good name and try to get this fambly back together again. Her version of holistic healing includes table pounding, screaming, and pounding whiskey. Hey – it's somewhat organic!
Rosie wants to get together to "tawk". Teresa agrees citing that the worst that can happen is Rosie will stab her over 100 times. Yeah, I would consider that pretty bad. And not productive, although certainly dramatic!
Before their meeting, Melissa has a fraught one of her own. Her mama and sisters come over so Melissa can ask them about including her father's infidelities in her book. First of all Melissa looks so much like her mom! Cute. Second of all, her mom looked completely shocked to learn of Melissa's plans and refused to confirm that her husband had affairs citing that she wasn't sure what he was up to while Melissa shot her some serious hairy eyeball.
So either every wife in Jersey is in denial or um… yeah. I'll just leave this alone. Melissa announces that since this is her FIRST BOOK she wants everything to be perfect. Let me pause: "first book"! She's planning for MORE?! Hate, Italian Style, perhaps?
Rosie and Teresa meet at some place called 611 (they should have met at the police station since people were probably calling 9-1-1). 611 advertises as not your average pub experience. I'll say – the other patrons were treated to a heavy dose of psychosis and some serious Scream Therapy By Bravo.
Almost immediately Rosie starts pounding the drinks, followed by pounding the table, and threatening to pound Teresa. Teresa is worried that if Rosie doesn't "sober down" innocent people will be harmed in a whiskey soaked ranting masacre. Meanwhile Teresa is screeching like a pterodactyl about how her father is mad at everyone and everything is Kathy's fault, but not hers. I find it hard to believe that Wallpaper is capable of disrupting anything…
While other diners watch on in horror, their fingers hovering over the panic buttons on their phones, authorities standing by with tranquilizer guns as Godzilla vs. Pterodactyl freaked out on each other cursing, flailing their arms, and sloshing drinks everywhere, things slowly started to simmer down and make sense.
Teresa and Rosie had a true "Gorga switch" moment – particularly when Teresa said Rosie was just like her dad with their tempers and anger moments. After threatening to erase the Benefit Cosmetics from each other's faces (did we notice Rosie was all made-up for her big moment?!), Teresa says she wants everyone to go to a spa for a holistic healing experience. They can meditate. And do yoga. And switch the whiskey out for wine – or valium! At the very least some essential oils.
Rosie is intrigued. Bravo is paying for a spa week? And all they have to do is pretend to like each other for a week? She's game… Then they hug, agree to work on their relationships, and Rosie plans to try and get Poison on board. Rosie and Teresa both get into their cars and leave. Was anyone else worried about Rosie driving after all those drinks and temper tantrums? She needs a desi. Call Milania!
PS if this is a precursor to the reunion, I'm out.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WILL HOLISTIC HEALING WORK FOR RHONJ? ARE YOU SURPRISED ROSIE AND TERESA WORKED IT OUT?
