Oh Real Housewives of New Jersey. I just don't know what to do with you. Like ever. Last night Melissa Gorga was officially accused of cheating by a former BFF who now doesn't like her. And since this is RHONJ some heavy betrayal was involved. Does anyone like Melissa in NJ? What did this girl do to make so many enemies? Did she give a lot of people unwanted sprinkle cookies?
Anyway, there was also talk of a retreat. I need a retreat from this show – am I invited?
Things begin with Wallpaper Wakile having a meeting of the minds in her brand new test kitchen. She's got her mixer all set up in one corner and the entire vast remainder of the industrial kitchen sits unused and empty. Pretty soon Kathy is going to start moving her bed, her dresser, all her clothes, etc in because if there's one things she's realized about ol' test kitchen – it's a great retreat from Richie. And one long overdue.
And speaking of retreats from hubbies, here comes Caroline Manzo. Is Al in the same country as her anymore? Caroline, Jacqueline Laurita, and Rosie the Rampager are meeting to talk about Rosie's big meet-n-drink with Teresa Giudice. Rosie reveals that the pounding on the table severely bruised the cartilage in her hand. Rosie needs serious help. Gross.
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And coincidentally Teresa is planning a family retreat – and Caroline and Jacqueline should come too! Except Caroline is over the Gorgadices again. Uh oh – no storyline for you anymore Caro!
Then something nice happened. Teresa's dad is out of the hospital and feeling much better. Teresa and her family are making wine and sausages to preserve the "off the boat" old-world traditions. They are doing all this while wearing Fabulicious aprons, naturally, which Gia deduces are a fashion don't! Buy Teresa's books, y'all!
Teresa reminds us that her brother like totally disrespects his family by flipping out and screaming and yelling on national TV. Cue the horrendous flashback to the christening. Despite all of that Teresa is trying to live out the fairy tale of a perfect family so she rented out a castle for a family retreat. A fairy godmother will swoop in and magically make them all have different personalities and normal foreheads and the ability to peacefully co-exist even on reality television. Oh delusions!
Teresa gives Poison a call while he is on the golf course pummeling balls on a break from having sex with his wife, which is how he usually relieves tension with his sister (he said it, not me!). Teresa fills him on the the retreat which will be exercises in trusting. Like, she'll catch him if he falls. And if Melissa falls… well hope her bones don't break easily!
Back at home Teresa tries to get Juicy to do a truthing fall with her while they're hanging out near the stove, cooking. Juicy suddenly fears breaking things (remember when he chipped his tooth doing "gymnastics"?) decides to pass. Not enough wine, evidently! Shouldn't it be the other way around and Teresa should be questioning how truthy Juicy is?
Melissa goes out to "lunch" with her "friends". One so-called friend, Jan, was a bridesmaid in Melissa's wedding. She tells us that since she got married (like 10 years ago?!) she doesn't have much time for her girlfriends, but it will be good to catch up.
THE REAL STORY OF MELISSA AND JAN'S FRIENDSHIP!
Except Melissa doesn't care what's going on in their lives. She spends the entire lunch bragging about the book she is writing and doing a shameless product plug by giving them advice for keeping their marriages as phenomenal as hers. The "friends" exchange looks the entire time like 'what is this bitch yammering about and I hope we get paid for this…' Just so you know Melissa is an expert in deciphering how men think cause Joew like told her… She's the husband whisperer now?
Then Jan, Melissa and anonymous friend extra talk about how crazy Teresa is, cause RHONJ cannot have one single scene where Teresa's craziness isn't discussed. Melissa is upset that Teresa tweeted her congratulations about the book deal. And Teresa didn't even write a real book, cause cookbooks don't count; they aren't real-real books like marriage bibles are. Since Melissa isn't a doctor she can't diagnose Teresa as a "pathological liar" but she's pretty certain she like has all the symptoms. And the cure: reading Melissa's book.
Later Melissa goes to some strip dance lesson with Kathy and Richie so everyone can get tips for keeping their marriage sexy. Melissa is shaking her J.Faux routine while making Kathy feel bad that she's not a thirty-something hottie by taunting her with instructions about how she can be sexy too if she tries. I guess you could say Melissa's a natural! Richie needs a dental dam to catch all the saliva he has pooling out of his mouth. He sputters that imagining Melissa working a stripper pole and shaking what silicone gave her arouses him. Poor Kathy! Sheesh – the producers seriously hate this woman or something.
Next the husbands have to be sexy. Poison humps the floor, then Melissa's leg, then rips his shirt off. Richie looks at Kathy and asks her what's for dinner. I'm actually quite thankful Richie spared us his "sexy act". Although Poison mentally jamming out to Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy was more than enough to make me nausea!
Speaking of crazy, Jacqueline and Kathy go shopping at some roadside attraction RHONJ "boutique" where everything looks like the castoffs from the Forever 21 Factory Outlet. Of course Teresa calls while they're thumbing through leopard print schmattas. Teresa tells Kath about the retreat and concedes that Caroline and Jacqueline can come too, if they want… even though it's all Jacqueline's fault that Poison hates Teresa cause of the whole Posche stripper-gate thing.
And cue Jacqueline absconding Kathy's phone, ranting and raving loudly and insanely about how Teresa is a crazy effing lying bitch with Teresa screeching back about how much Jacqueline sucks. Did I mention this was all on speaker? Kathy whispers that Jacqueline doesn't get out much and motions for the producer's tranquilizer gun. She desperately wonders if anyone has some xanax in their purse at least! Kathy should be careful – Jacqueline might yank off a shoe and beat her over the head with it. Just sayin…
When Kathy fails to subdue Jacqueline, she unsuccessfully tries to wrench the phone from Jacqueline's hand as Jacqueline hops around the store shrieking louder and louder. Teresa is screeching equally loud. So classy! Kathy, just hand her a bottle of wine – she'll be distracted. Frankly I'm shocked Jacqueline even remembers how to talk on the phone and didn't immediately resort to tweeting.
Ironically Jacqueline is furious about how "immature" and "insane" Teresa is. Takes one to know one… It was a big ol' bucket of nuts. Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo…
Teresa has girls night with her "real-life friends", who include such "amazing" women as Jennifer Dalton, Kim D, Penny – oh and surprise, surprise: Melissa's friend Jan, who suddenly has an axe to grind with Melissa! "She's not my friend," Jan announces candidly, molesting the camera with her ferocious fame-hungry eyes. And then she reveals that Melissa "did something" with an ex. OK, well, she cheated on Poison! Kim D is salivating. I think I saw her drooling some sparkly gunk from the chewed up remains of a Posche sequined pleather short-shorts romper.
Teresa just chugs her drink and tells us she's heard the rumors and Melissa told her they weren't true. "I don't want to be involved," Teresa says trying in vain to backpedal about why she is even in this conversation. I mean she's retreating to a castle here! "People are just trying to start trouble," she adds. Apparently cheating rumors aren't always true, like the rumors everyone is always spreading about her beloved Juicy who would never stray!
Jan lamely states, "I'm not here to sabotage people." Oh rrrrly! You're not girlie with the bad red dye job?! You're not trying to sabotage your so-called friend who you were a bridesmaid for? Then why are you sitting here verbally girls gone wild-ing all over the RHONJ cameras? Mmmhhhhmmmm. Jan says Melissa ditched her once she got on RHONJ, so alls fair, right?!
To Teresa's dismissal of Jan's outrageous claims, Kim D snaps, "Oh puuh-leaze Tereeeesa! You are from a different planet" Truer words, truer words…
Different planets indeed because here is Caroline telling us that the reason her marriage is successful is because she and Al have barely spent any time together in their 25+ years together. "I never had the opportunity to get sick of him," she expects us to believe. Al has the personality of stale bread – I'd be sick of him in 3 minutes.
Caroline tries to sell Albert on the idea of the Hoboken apartment as a get-away so they can enjoy their twilight years together. Hysterically he calls her out on getting an apartment "for them" 10 blocks away from where the boys live. "It's ridiculous" he snaps, revealing that it also has a room for Lauren. HA!
Apparently Al thinks she smothers them. Caroline concedes that being so involved in her children drove a wedge in her marriage and now they barely know each other now. Well, at least all the spawn are eternally single. Even that Lauren is tired of Vito's mozzarella now that she's thin! I feel sorry for Caroline. Maybe they need a retreat – or a stint on Couples Therapy!! It worked for Silex.
After that reassuring dinner with Al, Caroline heads to brunch at the Gorga Fauxsion with its collapsing designer features. They all congregate in the kitchen where everything seems to be glued in tightly enough. Jacqueline starts things off with a mimosa and a million excuses for her behavior in the boutique where she tortured Kathy's phone and argued with Teresa.
Rosie arrives and prompts everyone to consider the retreat in the "Adirondykes" on Lake George. Surprisingly, Rosie really wants everyone to attend and to prove her point pounds the table over and over in between slamming bottles of champagne. Peace looks good on her! Jacqueline still doesn't want to go cause "craziness" stresses her out. Jacqueline needs to spend some time self-reflecting in the hyperbaric chamber.
Finally, Melissa goes to lunch with Jennifer. Jennifer is using Melissa to get a listing by spilling that Jan came to girls night and spread rumors about her having an affair. Melissa puts on all her best shocked faces and Jennifer blames Kim D for setting the whole thing up while quickly exonerating Teresa from involvement. Melissa is not buying it. A girl's gotta eat, but she doesn't need to eat shit and be taken for a fool. She's pissed. "They think they know how I poop," Melissa scoffs referring to how everyone in Jersey thinks they know all her dirty details.
What is the deal with this Jennifer? And her makeup. She's a hot mess. She scares me…
Over drinks with her new BFFLs the Lauritas (the Wallpapers were there too), Melissa reveals that Kim D, Jan, and Teresa are now spreading rumors that she's cheating on Poison. As if she could do any better than a $3.8M mansion builder! Hellllooooo! Surprisingly after everyone is sufficiently liquored up, there lurking around in the background is Kim D and her amazingly revamped extensions! Coincidink!
Kim D's extensions have gone from broken down generic Fauxbie left in the rain to sleek and shiny Barbie, just out of the box. So what that means is no one has played beauty shop with Kim's off the rack extensions yet and by next week they'll be looking ratty as a 70's shag carpet. I still love you girl! #Posche4Life
So, this Jan storyline is fake and staged! Melissa refers to Jan as her BFF even though they barely speak and Jan is selling her out bigtime for camera time. Perfectly convenient for everyone – especially Poison – to continue a vendetta against Teresa and have major drama at the retreat. Jacqueline advises that everyone stage an intervention with Teresa and "get her help" cause she's totally crazy and insane and delusional and scheming now.
Chris looks like he wants to stab his own eyeballs out with a leased Bentley key. Secretly he's texting Ashlee and Caroline about how they need to intervene on Jacqs, because, despite all her drunken ramblings, SHE'S STILL NOT OVER TERESA AND NO ONE CAN TAKE IT ANYMORE NOT EVEN TWITTER!
Back to Kim! Kim strolls over to the table with her refreshing new extensions and despite the fact that Jacqueline and Kim are supposedly soooo super tight, Jacqueline starts shrieking, holding her nose while asking 'What stinks?' and tossing napkins at her. Kim ignores her. Kim tells Melissa that Jan doesn't like her anymore and it's not her fault.
Melissa starts yelling at Kim who really couldn't care less as she lamely deflects. Jacqueline whines behind her back about how Teresa is jealous of Melissa. Jacqueline needs therapy. "It's not my fauwlt," Kim repeats and says she'll consider defending Melissa one day. Maybe. Perhaps. In a zillion years. Proving she'd never cheat, Melissa grabs Poison's face and starts sucking face with him (literally) him while he grunts and groans. "Un-f**king-breakable! Now buy my book!" Kim flees the table because her eyes (and ours) are burning.
Melissa's entire storyline this season seems to be an advertisement for her book…
Melissa compares Teresa to a the white part of the pimple, "the head" that needs popping to make it go away. She wants to pop Teresa and the perfect place to do so is during this retreat. Poison and Melissa are going to go just for that purpose, to obliterate the head of the RHONJ pimple. Ew.
Things conclude with Teresa and her bump-it pompador helmet (is that protective head gear? Save it for the retreat!) having lunch with Jennifer. Jennifer brazenly admits she invited Melissa to lunch and told her Jan was spreading gossip. She confesses her motivation was to get Melissa's listing for the house she thinks is crappy and way over priced. Jennifer threw Teresa under the bus for that? Jennifer reassures Teresa that she blamed Kim D for the set-up and scheming and Melissa trusts her!
Teresa is furious because now everyone is going to logically deduce that she was involved in inviting Jan and scheming to have her expose Melissa's shenanigans! But she's supposed to get the good edit this season! She's planning a retreat! She's supposed to be everyone's favorite again! Castle retreat! Family reunification! Love! Love! Love!
That damn Jennifer tricked her. She's a biter and she's chomping at the bit of fame, stopping at nothing for her 15 minutes. Dang, Jennifer may just out-shady Kim D. And Jennifer warns Teresa be careful of Kim D ruining her reputation…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – BIGGER S#*! STIRRER: KIM D OR JENNIFER? SHOULD JACQUELINE ATTEND THE RETREAT? WILL CAROLINE AND AL REKINDLE THEIR MARRIAGE?
