If ever there was a reason to say no to a proposal, it was an autotune-botched warbling of a wannabe Taylor Swift. And that proposal came courtesy of Gretchen Rossi. But of course Slade Smiley, who has been practicing the trickling of a single tear in the mirror for weeks, did not say no. Oh no … HE said yes! And it was all over-acted to puke-fection.
So yeah, let's start there shall we with the Real Housewives of Orange County proposal that just went on and on and on and on. Phase One: Slade at work at his radio station pretending he has a job like doing things on the radio. I was always convinced he just put up some microphones in Gretchen's overly cluttered garage, but apparently Radio Slade is a for realz thing.
Slade's partner announces a new song. A voice, a voice like mystic magic floating over clouds of heaven comes soaring over the airways. 'That sound…' gasps Slade staring off into the distance. I think someone has been watching The Sound Of Music… That voice, that he does not recognize because even WITH heavily deployed autotune it still sounds flat, plastic, and phony as hell (not unlike its owner), is Gretchen. And that song is asking him to marry him.
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Oh sweet lord – Gretchen you got to indulge all your post-adolescent Taylor Swiftian fantasies with that one, didn't you. Now take off the prom dress and get therapy.
That song haunts my nightmares… but not so much as the thought of spending the rest of my life with Slade!
Slade pretends to be moved. He is mewing and spitzing. A tear gently rolls down his face because while the camera was occupied he squirted Visine in his eye – oh and he's been laying off the botox in anticipation for this moment. And then he is hustled out of the room, handed a suit, and told to get on a helicopter. Here comes James Bond.
Awaiting his arrival at The Proposal: Phase 2 is Gretchen. Who is now in costume and sporting Golden Girls On Ice hair. It was sprayed within an inch of its life and teased up into a bouffant my grandmother would have worn to a wedding circa 1962. The hair was also adorned with a feather. Otherwise Gretchen was wearing her play on the Marilyn Monroe dress hoping it would fly up when the helicopter touched down.
Inside she went to town at Hobby Hut and bought out the entire Scrapbook Warehouse Sale to put together a party filled with photos, tchotchkes, and ornamentals in true Gretchen style. It was… well, it was something!
Gretchen reveals that none of those she-twats she is forced to work with on RHOC are invited cause they've all snickered and sneered at her like love with Slave. And like her career of hawking sweatshop rejects with gold-painted bling. And like she is so sick of their like cattiness! Cause she's real and her love of Slave is real.
We get several moving flashbacks of Gretchen with Jeff, Gretchen and Slade's love together (and everyone mocking it). I notice some curious footage of a young, attractive woman resting her head on Jeff's shoulder. That can't be Gretchen… #PlasticSurgeryGoneWrong #TupperwareFace. No wonder Gretchen Christine Beaute is allegedly having problems…
She begs her mom, whose movable face belies her true feelings, for approval in this whole marrying Slave her one true love thing. And then Gretchen whisks up to the roof to meet the helicopter. Slade says yes, we all roll our eyes, and then they rush downstairs for congratulations, champagne, and SLADE'S BROTHER, Kent.
Kent is Slade… with a mullet. A curly haired mullet. A mullet that is worthy of a People of Walmart post. He has glasses. He has teefus issues. Kent is… as Gretchen pronounces "Swamp People" Slade. Slade is a swamp person too, but not exactly in the looks department. I'm guessing Kent got the personality in the family. So yeah, the proposal party never ends. Thankfully the singing did.
And meanwhile… a whole bunch of other stuff occurred! First, Vicki Gunvalson has renovated and made her home officially Donn-free. That means some crazy wallpaper in the dining room. She has Alexis Bellino and Lydia McLaughlin over where they all enjoy a relaxing afternoon of listening to Radio Slade as he calls Vicki "Tupperware Face" and says no one likes her. Projection, much?
Vicki is sad and everyone reassures her that Slave is reprehensible while she is a beautiful person, so yeah don't get anything else done to your face! To prove she is above it all Vicki is going to throw a Winter Wonderland Fantasy party to show off her new house and her equally laissez-faire attitude. And oh yeah – Slade can come… but be prepared for war!
Next Tamra Barney is opening CUT Fitness. Apparently the new business model is cutting abs and not cutting insults because Alexis was invited to the opening and showed up in leather pants wearing a sign that says: "You can look like this for the low membership price of $39.99 per month. Restrictions may apply. Not responsible for varied results. Wonder boobs not included. Leather pants sold separately."
Isn't it funny that last time Alexis was invited there Tamra cursed her out and threw her out, but this time Gretchen is uninvited. So Alexis is the fake one, again?
Heather Dubrow is still boring me is building a new dream home that will be modeled after Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, equal amount of rules and untouchable items under threat of scary results. Her kids don't want to move, particularly her son Nick who says they were just starting to build a life in their current massive mansion, which despite having room for a movie theater that seats 15 can't accommodate a 5th bedroom.
Where do the guests sleep? Oh, I forgot the evil queen doesn't do guests unless she has an ulterior plan for them… apple anyone? Next year's storyline: Heather's new mansion, complete with Champs Fountain and an trophy room featuring all 6 of her acting roles.
Awww… it's time for Vicki's party. Her backyard has been converted into the North Pole with a bunch of props borrowed from the mall. I didn't see the Santa Express Train though…
Her son-in-law Ryan is off that weekend, so he's attending the party. Briana and Vicki are getting along. And Vicki's hair is brushed for the first time all season. I know, I thought I was imagining things too, but nope – a milestone!
To celebrate the momentous occasion Vicki is wearing a snowsuit. NOT! She's actually wearing what she refers to as a "Who's Your Mama?! Dress". Really, cause it's more of a 'Your mama is desperate!' dress. It was taaaack-eeee. Short, ruching up the butt (seriously), low-cut, boobs flying out, tight skirt. If she was trying to prove something to Slave, it worked. She proved she cares what he thinks and is a hot mess of insecurity about her looks.
Everyone else arrives including surprise guest Jim Bellino! Oh Jim… fulfilling that contract, arent'cha baby?! Alexis is overjoyed that he'll be seen out in public with her again and Jim looks like he wants to drown in the faux penguin pond. He doesn't speak. Nonetheless Tamra is impressed he had the balls to show up. Tamra gushes about how she's changed – and so has Jim.
And to prove that she's changed she shows up early with a gift for Vicki. Tamra stopped by the Marshall's clearance rack and picked up a friendship plaque that has one of those cheesy inspirational quotes about friends. It's the plaque version of a friendship bracelet. Vicki loves and practically cries. She gives Tamra the gift of baby poop and lets her change Troy's diaper. Awwww… I know I suck, but I love Tamricki! BFF forever. They're like an even more trashy version of AbFab but just as drunk and unruly!
Lydia calls Vicki's yard "magical". Then Bible Skipper tells us she loves that word and whispers it slowly to herself. Oh Lydia, seventh grade is so fun. Can I sign your yearbook? I feel like she brought one to the end of the year party so all the ladies could sign it. She totally scrap booked it didn't she?!
The party is in full-swing so Vicki sits down and espouses about the intricacies of her relationship with Brooks. Long story short, they're back together and he's demanding to be included in all aspects of her life: her family, her friends, her TV show, her bank account… And since she wants this relationship to work she's gonna lett'em and if Briana doesn't like it: tough! Tamra has a look about her face that says, 'I'm-a gonna start some shit…' but she tells us she's supporting Vicki's choice.
Then they all talk about Gretchen cause the producers told her the party started later than it did to give everyone the opportunity to rag on her. Alexis recounts their fight and in Alexis' version she's the one who told Gretchen their friendship was beyond repair. Tamra reveals that Gretchen screwed up again and trust has been broken. Lydia hates Slade. Heather finds Gretchen to be an insult to the professional field of acting and her SAG card grants her the authority to snub her.
In the limo Gretchen says that she doesn't want to ruin her engagement by telling the ladies. Is it cause the engagement was taped after the final party?
While everyone is talking about her, Winter Wonderland Barbie shows up! In full faux-fur regalia. Let's rip off her plastic legs and shave her head!
Next week is the season finale and predictably major drama erupts! Then we're in for a THREE-PART reunion. I need to lie down…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE PROPOSAL? WILL GRETCHEN AND SLADE MAKE IT DOWN THE AISLE?
