It's always odd to refer to reality TV as too much reality but last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was like watching a high-gloss, ultraglam version of Intervention.
Vicki Gunvalson needs a serious wake-up call and unfortunately being called out on national television by her daughter and close friends wasn't enough to do it.
Here let me try to help: Vicki – BROOKS AYERS is a loser. He's using you. He's gross. No one likes him for a reason. Please dump him, get a restraining order, and then get thoroughly STD tested. Hey that's just my advice, but I think you should take it! I'm starting to think Brooks has some serious mega dirt on Vicki – is this a case of blackmail gone Stockholm Syndrome?
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So, we'll continue breaking down Brokes in a minute, but first I'd like to tackle Heather Dubrow and her marriage. Apparently everything is good despite a season of bickering over fried foods and Heather's self-importance. "I'm providing him with a very fabulous life, too," she sniffs.
Heather tells us again that before she was married she had a really successful career. I wonder if she thinks saying it over and over will make it true? Anyway, she bought the lot their house is built on. And she also paid for the glam bake so that's why Terry couldn't have onion rings. Divorce Before Onion Rings: The Heather Dubrow Story
Speaking of marriages Andy wonders about the complete 180 of Alexis Bellino and Jim's marriage. Alexis tells us Jim always told her to "catch his good and plenty" but the Bravo editors instead chose to show Jim shoving his broke and arrogant in Alexis' face. Tamra Barney says she thinks Alexis and Jim are putting on an act; I appreciated that Alexis didn't even bother with a response. She's getting really good at working Tamra – it's like seeing a grizzly in the wild: do not engage, do not engage…
And finally, Briana Culberson appears. Briana looks pretty so there's that! Immediately Vicki acts like she has a hemorrhoid – she's perched on the edge of her seat ready to flee and looking nervous as a woman on trial, because well – she is.
Oh I don't even know what to say about all of this so here's the rundown. Vicki tells us that she and Brooks are "seeing other people" now and blames it on the fact that "a lot of people in my life haven't accepted him." FOR A REASON! Vicki then goes on the defensive claiming over and over that Brooks does not disrespect her. She has a different definition of disrespect than the rest of us, you see, and she's been in two marriages with people who weren't right. "Break the cycle," Briana quips.
Briana brings up that Ryan recorded Brooks instructing him to beat Briana to keep her in line; apparently there's some major suspicion that he has at some point hit Vicki. Vicki adamantly denies it but she looks like a woman pleading for her life. "It's never been physical," she insists to a completely shocked and silent room. Literally no one spoke. You could hear a false eyelash drop. It was sad and raw.
Brooks continuously denies that he said those things, but too bad for him it actually is on tape!
Vicki refuses to listen to the tape of a drunk Brooks ranting and raving; she blames herself claiming it was made after she refused to pick him up in LA after a night of drinking. Heather astutely points out that Vicki refuses to listen because then she'll be forced to confront the reality of the situation and if she hears what everyone is saying is on there she'll have to dump Brooks. Anyone remember that song by Heart "Magic Man"? Vicki is under some sort of toxic spell. Ugh.
As soon as Brooks takes the stage, Tamra moves so far to the left she's practically sitting in ol' Alexis Couture's lap. See danger brought them closer. The air was acrid and if looks could kill, Brooks would have been buried 6 feet under in a Gretchen Christine Body Bag with Gretchen Christine Sparkle Embalming Fluid so your natural glow really shines through even in death. Don't let death part you with your inner glam!
Tamra says she has heard of some text messages in which Brooks calls Vicki fat and ugly and stupid, Vicki again denies them and insists Brooks thinks she's beautiful. "You don't think I'm fat?!" she begs him. He insists no. Andy looks like he may vomit in a Gretchen Christine Plasti-sak. 100% custom vinyl imported from China!
Briana claims Brooks has told her about his "d!@k size" and that his nickname is "Girth Brooks" BWHAHAHAHAHA! Listen Vicki, I get it a lady who sucks on a penis lollypop like that has needs, but um… there's other big ones out there. And now I feel physically ill. Ugh.
In the middle of all of it Vicki gets all crazed and starts ranting about how she will not sit here and have this become a "Brooks bashing"! Then when things get extra spicy she walks out. This too tight dress is made for walking, and that's just what it'll do… One of these days Vicki should walk right out on Brooks!
Briana says her distrust (and dislike of Brooks) came when she saw an email he sent her telling Vicki to leave Donn for him. See Brooks realized ol' Donn-o had the good life, putzing around drinking Coronas while Vicki "work, work, worked" and woo hooed on TV. And Brooks wanted a piece of the action. Brooks denies this.
Poor Lydia McLaughlin must be thinking what I'm thinking: that it's a pattern here with Vicki and Briana, because Ryan is just as much of a jerk and Briana is killing herself to defend him. Lydia starts choking up and scurries off stage where she gets out her bling bible and thanks Jesus for a good man who doesn't make her do laundry and thinks putting takeout on fancy plates constitutes cooking dinner. I think Lydia is sweet – really, I do – and totally unprepared for the mayhem of this show. I'm very curious if Jesus Skipper will return.
Lydia's big sweet sparkle pony eyes fill with tears that catch charmingly on the edge of a false eyelash, "it's just too intense," she waffles. Gretchen Rossi is pissed that no amount of perfecting plastic droplets and applying them to her cheeks can have the same effect. I WANT DRAMA TEARS TOO, she tells her intern!
Speaking of eyes, Tamra is cutting her viper eyes at Brooks, ready to strike. "I warned you," she hisses, uncoiling from around Alexis' throat and slithering her fingers into his face. "I warned you…" She turns her attentions to Vicki, swinging her whole blonde head towards her – "You are weak." Tamra basically tells it to Vicki straight and it was authentic and a real friendship moment, which is truly rare where Tamra is concerned.
"You are a weak Vicki with him. You cry all the time," Tamra says. Basically Tamra revealed Vicki is afraid of Brooks. Vicki insists it's because she is unhappy with where her life is. That she is 51 and alone. Wait – I thought she was with Brooks. Tamra calls out Brooks on using Vicki for money.
Heather reminds Vicki that if you date inappropriate people you may fall in love with them and then you have a big ol' problem. Don't coupon clip with your heart, aim for the millionaires!
Even Andy thinks Vicki should dump Brooks and points out she is surrounded by love and support. She is! But that's not enough. Suddenly needing attention of "sunthing" Gretchen pipes up that Vicki should follow her heart and be with the person she loves, like her and Slave! Everyone glares at her – except Vicki who suddenly sees Gretchen as a beacon of hope. After all the "whole world" hated Slade and Gretchen still proposed to him on national TV cause she loved him!
I see when it's convenient Vicki is all about Team Slave. I believe that's called a "hypocrite"?
Then they get into an argument not about the point Vicki was trying to make but whether or not the whole world hated him or just a lot of people. Andy was exasperated.
You know, I have to hand it to Brooks – he has some set of balls on him, that Girth Brooks! He sat there knowing he was guilty of ALL OF IT and he was, yet he was so confident that Vicki would never leave him that he never wavered. He was practically smirking at some point. He has Vicki and her messed up crazy cracked out hair (which is a sure as indication of any of her mental state) so wrapped around his southern fried fishstick that he didn't flee, he didn't flinch at the vituperation being hurled at him from all directions.
At the end Brooks handed Vicki another ultimatum wrapped up in an affirmation. "I love you and I'm leaving so you can fix your family. I'm letting you go and I'm walking out and you will never hear me say we're in a relationship again." With that he cruised off stage to go hit up the strip club and toss more hundreds at Lauri's daughter's friend. BTW: Vicki accused Lauri of making all her money on her back. Isn't that Brooks' grift as well? I believe we call that a "gigolo"!
Poor Vicki – denial is the deepest pool in Coto!
Vicki starts to sob and all the women cluster around her to hug and console her. Except Gretchen, she sits there like a Wannabe Barbie posed on the "living room" set. I feel bad for Vicki; it's so hard to not be at peace with who you are and your life.
And then Andy asks for final thoughts on the season. Alexis comments on the ever-shifting relationships and seems to find it curious. Tamra says this was her best year ever cause she learned about herself, got to stop being pretend-friends with Gretchen, and got married on TV. Heather, whose life is as close to perfect as possible, chalks it up to a year of ups and downs, but "that's life!"
Lydia needs electro-shock therapy and a prescription to Zoloft. She's not scoffing at Alexis taking anti-anxiety meds now, is she! She compares the experience to "getting punched".
Gretchen is aghast that once again she's being accused of cheating (cause the bitch did it!) and is disappointed that her friendships didn't turn out to be real, however she is "thrilled" to be engaged, so there's that!
And finally, Vicki, well she's depressed and sad and hollow. She closes with a long rambling soliloquy defending Brooks. "I was looking forward to a future with Brooks and it looks like it's over," she sniffled.
"I love my family, and I never want to see Briana hurt. At the end of the day I love the man who left – he never touched me, he never hurt me. I wasn't in an abusive relationship. I hope there's someone out there that will swoop me off of my feet again."
Andy trills that it's time for "champs" and everyone struggles to get up since their spanx have been strangling them for the last 5 hours and their heels have cut off circulation to their legs, but alas – booze!
Here's my advice to Vicki: "It is better to be alone than in bad company." ~ George Washington.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH VICKI AND BROOKS? WAS BRIANA OUT OF LINE? WILL LYDIA RETURN NEXT SEASON?
