Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was um… well, lemme just say this: they need to get a psychiatrist on that show to deal with all the crazies cause they are multiplying faster than we can keep up. Screw a reunion, let's just call Dr. Phil!
Things begin with Kandi Burruss discussing Mama Joyce drama with her assistant/BFF Carmon. They're looking at wedding magazines, but they should have been looking at catalogs for mental hospitals!
Carmon is not happy that Joyce is slandering her all over town by spreading completely baseless rumors that Carmon is sleeping with Todd. All because Todd is hanging in some photos in Kandi's hallway. If I were Todd I would hang the photos of Mama Joyce in the basement – behind the water heater.
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Kandi defends this nonsense and explains that anyone who gets close to her is in Joyce's crosshairs. Carmon tells Kandi, "Your mom isn’t going to be happy until you have absolutely nobody around you but her.” Kandi gets that uncomfortable 'I have to poop' face on and says basically nothing. More on Mama Dearest later.
Speaking of rumors, NeNe Leakes is about to start some about Kandi and Phaedra Parks. There's a new potential Housewife in town named Mynique Smith!
Mynique is married to Chuck, a former NBA player whom NeNe grew up with. And allllll of the sudden NeNe knows Phaedra from her childhood when she was known around town as "the head doctor"! Hey maybe she can help out some of the other ladies on this show with their mental issues. Oh…. OH! wrong head. Looks like ol' Chuck was bringing new life to the term "rim shot".
Gracious as always, NeNe brings up this tidbit in front of Mynique over lunch and it turns out Chuck also used to date Kandi – or at least it was a one-night stand kinda date. Meaning they only hung out casually. Mynique smiles through clenched teeth and reminds herself, 'I want to be on RHOA… I want to be on RHOA… must play nice with NeNe – for now!'
Phaedra has other things to deal with. Apollo (AND HIS BACKPACK – WHAT IS IN THAT THING? Guesses: condoms, stripper costume, bootleg DVDs to sell outside the CVS, his balls, Kenya's fake butt…Twitter guess: his personality) have come home to grovel. He earnestly apologized using Papa Smurf's suggestions and a hurt looking Phaedra begrudgingly accepted. He agreed texting her former friends – even innocently – wasn't appropriate. I'm still rooting for these two yahoos.
Apollo is now hoping for the old Phaedra back, the one Chuck apparently used to know too. Phaedra tells him he'll have to settle for "Remix Phaedra" who can embalm people – and their members. “Praise the Lord and pass the formaldehyde!” BTW: she passed her exams.
Remix Phaedra can't get busy in the bathroom today, cause she's gotta gussie up for "cardio cabaret" at Kandi's studio. Kandi is getting in shape for the wedding Mama Joyce is never gonna let happen. Seriously she is going to burst through the church doors soap opera style and object during the vows. SECCCCCURRRRTYYYY!
I don't know what this so-called cardio cabaret was but it looked a lot like prancercise and featured Krayonce Moore twerkercising in a ballgown telling us she sent Phaedra a Booty Bootcamp DVD via express mail to help her lose the baby weight. In response I hope Phaedra sent a restraining order via express mail.
NeNe takes this opportunity to invite all the girls on a trip to Savannah – a bus trip (just no with RHOA and busses) – and no one wants to go. We also find out that Porsha Stewart is in the hospital when her sister/assistant (sististant?) calls NeNe. I don't care that she fainted – this girl has an assistant?! FOR WHAT?! She is using Kordell's alimony to pay her her sister to take her shopping at Walgreens where they wander around in matching outfits like moonies whining about how Porsha fainted.
Porsha says she has stress or something, but at least when she fell down she landed cute. "I fainted and almost cracked my head open and lost some of my precious few brain cells – and I don't have many to begin with – but at least I fell cute!"
Cynthia Bailey's ex Leon is in town to discuss Noelle's relationship with Author. They decide who should talk to her about appropriate sexual relations and Leon decides that's his domain since he knows from the man's perspective. They agree to both be very involved in the relationship which will likely eventually fizzle out on its own. I agree.
Krayonce goes out to lunch with her aunt where the talk is all about what a good mom Kenya will be… someday. Apparently how she treats her lapdog is proof of this. I dunno… she did let that poor Velvet live in a Motel 6 in the ghetto… And she probably tried to get it booty implants too.
Kenya's aunt suggests she get the baby first then worry about the man. Kenya was trying that with Apollo (is that what's in the bookbag?!) but Phaedra intercepted the texts… Kenya is very happy with her "African sweetheart" whom no one has seen photographic proof exists except on the mailorder groom website…
According to her aunt, Kenya has a history of choosing unavailable men, which is is an understatement. More like NON-EXISTENT men! Then there is some crying about her mom, which was truly sad and I do hope Kenya is able to find closure and deal with her abandonment issues.
Speaking of moms, here comes Mama Joyce. Taking Todd's advice Kandi is starting to do wedding stuff. She invites her mom, her aunts, and Carmon to help her try on wedding gowns. Carmon is unhappy with Mama Joyce but planning to be cool for Kandi's sake. But Mama Joyce has other intentions…
As soon as she comes in Joyce starts making comments about how she doesn't know why they're here since Kandi will never be wearing said gown. Unless it's at the altar with someone else. Someone RICH! Carmon pipes up to defend Kandi and Todd (and also exonerate her own affair-having-scandalous nature) when Joyce FLIPS OUT!
Literally someone needed to grab a Phaedra Sparks Taser cause Mama was out of her chair screeching at Carmon, taking off her shoes, trying to hit her, had to be RESTRAINED! RESTRAINED in a bridal boutique cause she was trying to brawl! SECCCCCRRRRTTTY! (in my Krayonce voice).
Joyce demands Carmon leave and now accuses HER! of trying to steal Kandi's money because she always wants what Kandi has – including Todd, naturally. And Kandi's old used extensions. I thought Kandi was donating her leftover hair to Kim Zolciak's wig collection? My bad…
Hearing the ruckus, Kandi comes out in an unflattering jumpsuit to mediate. Her aunt lies and claims Carmon was trying to attack Joyce. Kandi wants to leave, but her aunts beg her to try on one more. She relents because "she doesn't like conflict".
Carmon better stop helping Kandi plan a wedding and start planning her own Phuneral by Phaedra cause Joyce has it out for this lady and the witness protection program is gonna have to step in.
Kandi comes out in another gown and her aunt, clearly working as Joyce's henchwoman, immediately tells her she doesn't want her to marry. And furthermore nobody likes Todd and think Kandi should cancel the wedding. WTF is wrong with these people?
Carmon meanwhile has fled to the front of the store to wait for Kandi, and she's obviously really hurt and really embarrassed. I would be furious if some psychotic woman was spreading rumors that I was carrying on with my best friend's fiance. Kandi dismisses it as Joyce just being crazy. She actually tells Carmon to ignore it.
Carmon warns Kandi she better handle her mother because she is running her life and will ruin what she has with Todd too. Kandi makes more pathetic excuses and then Carmon says she feels sorry for Kandi – and I do too. She needs to woman up, grow some ovaries, and set some rules for Mama Joyce before Todd does leave her. This woman takes Monster-in-law to a whole new level!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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