Last night tables turned wildly on Vanderpump Rules when one drunken girl proved that loose lips do in fact sink friendships of convenience with co-workers you don't really like!
Before any of that happens we are treated to the tragic sighting of Stassi Schroeder's a$$. No, no I didn't write "Stassi being an a$$" or "Stassi is an a$$", but literally Stassi's a$$. She spread her cheeks for a bikini waxing. Decency is dead, folks! Apparently the best way to cleanse yourself of the ex you don't really want back but want to keep manipulating is to go hairless!
Stassi makes Katie Maloney go with her but Katie has never waxed. Katie never will again. It's taken me forever to figure out why Katie, whom I refer to as Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 1, would dye her hair that unflattering color – and then it hit me. She's literally trying to be Stassi. Same hair style (but shorter), same side part, same color-ish, same mean girl antics. #FalseIdol
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Speaking of SWF, Scheana Marie is up to her old groveling antics. Despite the fact that Stassi has done everything but set Scheana's false lashes on fire to let her know they are not friends (she ever spread several rumors that the girl is a whore!), Scheana is going at Stassi with a new angle. Now they're both writing for Pandora's desperately plugged blog Divine Addiction. Scheana has a new makeup column and she wants Stassi to proof-read it.
They meet up for drinks. After Scheana begs Stassi to let her be one of the wicked step-sisters, Stassi pays Scheana the glorious compliment of princessdom by telling her their writing sounds similar. Frankly I'd be insulted as all hell, but I'm not a desperate to relive my high school days. Stassi then bestows the compliment of inviting Scheana to commemorate the day the earth died, aka her birthday. This year's day of official mourning happens in Cancun. The US wouldn't have it – too tragic.
SWF Alert: Same Vag-Hair!
There were also some shenanigans at SUR. Stassi still hates Jax Taylor, who is now "dating" again. That evening while they're closing, Stassi tells Jax that if he doesn't stop texting her she'll quit her job. Lisa Vanderpump feels a prayer has been answered. She commandeers Jax's phone and texts and texts and texts. She even forwards some naked selfies he was sending to his 21-year-old ballerina. SABOTAGE!
There is a big fight about how pathetic Jax is (deja nonsense!) but then Peter Madrigal appears in his serene awesomeness to avenge Stassi's birthday with his own. He's turning 30. Throwing a big party and even Lisa is invited. To buy drinks of course.
Kristen Doute still hates Tom 1. The real question is why doesn't HE hate her? Did he accidentally get his balls waxed off in a bizarre grooming ritual? He takes her to a Korean BBQ. She's a vegetarian. As some meat is smoked on the grill she imagines it is Tom being fried. "Let's go" she snaps, shoving her kimchi stew aside, "You make me sick." Tom frantically texts Ariana, "Save me… She tried to put my nuts on a Korean BBQ." Kristen's claw-like hand (she reminds me of a crab) reaches out and snatches the phone. Tom knows it's gonna be a long, long night…
Freed from stassery, Jax is single and ready to mingle. He goes on a date with a Jersey Shore reject who is more than willing to get busy for camera time. This marks his seventh conquest in that many days. When Stassi finds out she cuts the penis off her Jax Taylor Voo-Doo Doll ($9.99 + S&H). Starbie and Janx are so ovah.
After Stassi makes conquest no. 8 go limp, Jax is stunned to discover something sacred is missing below the belt. He enlists the help of a therapist. Jax decides this time he'll be honest, so he wears his smart glasses. Does he think it's a disguise like Superman? He tells the doctor not only did he cheat on Stassi, but he always cheats cause he can't stop himself. Rather boastfully he realizes he's a sex addict. Who's been with 300+ girls – 298 of them mistakes.
Dr. Feel Good makes some notes on her clipboard about his affliction. They read: "Not paid enough. Renegotiate contract. $$$$$$+ Glasses from Claire's Boutique – fake. Must disinfect furniture. Extra lysol. Charge Bravo. $$$$$+++++" Then she suggests some reading for Jax. He's like heard of a book, but the last thing he read was Jughead and Archie. Perhaps he oughta start with Berenstain Bears Learn About The Birds & The Bees.
Finally it's Peter's party. Everyone's getting rowdy, then Lisa shows up, buys a bunch of drinks and everyone gets rowdier. Lisa suggests Scheana give Peter a little twerkday present and stir things up. Scheana decides on a lapdance, naturally. Then suggests Katie go next. Katie shrieks in a huff that she's "practically engaged" and calls Scheana a skank. While Scheana may be a skank, Katie is NOT practically engaged. And furthermore she's a loser with no sense of humor.
Outside Kristen and Katie drunkenly rip Scheana to shreds while Stassi sits there, mutely, sipping her drink and trying not to smirk. Scheana comes out to further fuel the tantrum of a drunk Katie whineybabybitch. And it disintegrates into an argument about how Scheana is not their friend (Is so! Is not!) and isn't better than them (Is not! Is so!). Peter is inside waiting for his lap dance – he's not interested in dating any of these crazy lunatics, but he'll take their booty popping. WHO WOULD ABANDON A SHIRTLESS PETER?!
Finally Tom 2 comes out to yell at Ms. Practically Incarcerated for being a loser. And Shay (Scheana's balless wonder and Jax's fake glasses inspiration) comes out to try and defend her while Priestess Shotzalotz screams and whines and cries about how Shay is a loser. Can we pan back to Peter?
The next day Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 2 decides to have a yard sale. Stassi is wearing my sorority toga party costume. That's not the most offensive thing that happened.
Meanwhile in the STD Factory known as SUR a new concoction has been brewing. It's an extremely toxic and potent strain of gossip. Apparently Miss. Too Drunk To Quit Katie got so wasted she outed a leeetle secret: That Jax and Kristen may have slept together! Revenge F–k?
I hate you sooooooooooooooo much I wore seafoam on our date!
Is Kristen really that vengeful? Well, well, well… what have we here?
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – KRISTEN AND JAX: TERRIBLE RUMOR OR TERRIBLE TRUTH? WORSE PARTY GUEST: KATIE OR SCHEANA?
