Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta the ladies argued from start to finish over who caused the epic brawl at NeNe Leakes' WTF party.
NeNe doesn't know how things went so wrong. "This is about asking questions and answering them!” she seethes. Oh, see I thought it was about getting people drunk so they'd admit overly personal details about their marriages and sex lives. Silly me!
What in the hell did NeNe slip into those cocktails?! Everyone was acting head-spinning, drama-grabbing, full tilt crazy – and I'm not even talking about the outfits (I don't know what kind of party you're planning that involves Kenya Moore showing up in a thong covered up by a sheer "diaper" in front of everybody's man). So it all started off rough right there, but at least Kenya didn't have any 1985 Dynasty shoulder pads adhered to her butt cheeks this time.
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Everyone is trying to regroup after Apollo got into a fight with Kenya's assistant Brandon. Phaedra Parks demands her purse so she can leave and Brandon is swanning around in his red satin get-up acting like he's gonna pounce on Apollo. NeNe is still following Krayonce around claiming she ruined her party. Wasn't that the point?
The ONLY person acting rational was Porsha Stewart who decided "grown people" didn't act that way, collected her sister, and flounced out to do mature stuff like put tutus on her doggies while watching Life-Size for the 100th time (before her big screen TV gets repo'd).
Back at the party Kandi Burruss made the egregious mistake of actually sticking around and wondering how it was that Natalie started calling Todd an opportunist. Natalie is trying to backpedal and backpedal, what she really said was that Todd has a "hustle", not that he is using Kandi. Finally Natalie is like well Cynthia Bailey asked me for gossip on your man so I spelled it out.
NeNe's friend Lexis side-eyes the situation and grabs another cocktail. Free booze is a terrible thing to waste – and vodka was probably the sanest thing in that room!
Cynthia leaps up, starts waving her fingers around in Kandi's face like she was swatting flies away, and gets louder and louder about how that's not what happened and no one called Todd an opportunist. Except that is what happened. Cynthia – defensive much?! Oh because you instigated?! Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Peter decides to insert his bounced check (cause he doesn't even have 2 cents) into the situation. Kandi starts to lose it and wants everyone to get their fingers and their gnarly whiskey breath and their rude opinions out of her face and out of her My Little Pony weave. As Peter inches closer and closer Todd puts his arm up to form a barrier between Kandi and Peter. And frankly there was NO business for Peter to be in any woman's face – he'd probably break a hip anyway and without his thug-buddy Apollo to defend him he'll need to get his AARP card ready for the medi-evac discount!
Then Malorie pushes Kandi(!!) and Kandi goes nuts. I believe it's called "popping off". Kandi threatens to tag Cynthia (I wish she would yank the growth Cynthia calls her husband off her!) and Mal and "drag they ass" while everyone held her back. Eventually a super-upset Kandi ended up crying in the bathroom while Phaedra consoled her and reminded her that those trashboxes aren't worth it. Even NeNe came in and was semi-consoling although upset that her party was ruined… by Krayonce.
Back in the room Todd and Peter are having a "discussion". Kandi wants to leave and after a few minutes the worst party with the worst dressed-guests is officially over. I really hope NeNe tipped housekeeping well because messy doesn't begin to describe what went on in there and needs cleaned up! #MESSY #CYNTHIA
The next day Kandi is mortified by her behavior, but Cynthia was totally in denial. As Kandi recounts Kenya charging towards Christopher and his crazy splotchy hair (did he get a hair transplant before appearing on TV and it hasn't set yet?), Cynthia pays a visit to NeNe's house where she has a drastically different recollection of events.
Cynthia mimics Kandi by exaggeratedly waving her arms in the air, squawking and claims Kandi was threatening to kill her. Um… no. Furthermore, I hope she's not teaching acting classes at The Bailey Agency. Also, NeNe was just as nutty with her over-dramatics and chasing Kenya down!
Brandon mopes over to Krayonce's. He's been practicing his sulk face all night and claims he has a black eye and bruised ribs. He filed a police report. Over eggs he pretends he's gonna press charges against Apollo, but doesn't want to hurt the two innocent victims Ayden and Dylan. Brandon, you just want camera time. Now go have another drink cause you are ridiculous thirsty!
Listen – Apollo is GUILTY and he was out of order and gross. I think Brandon should press charges, but the whole whining on TV thing with Kenya was annoying. Go twerk at the police station.
At Casa de Parks, Phaedra is very unimpressed with Apollo. She tells him he acted trashy, and ironically mentioned that his criminal life is behind him so don't act accordingly. Oh is it… Apollo makes a lot of excuses and blames everyone else.
Kandi decides she owes everyone an apology for her behavior and also that the ladies need to reconnect after their last disastrous evening, so she invites them to a safe-zone: massages. I mean who can get angry after a massage? Answer: NeNe!
Over post-massage tea, Kandi apologizes. And then NeNe and Cynthia stir it up again. Keep the stirring to the tea! Apparently NeNe and Cynthia are more concerned about placing blame on who caused everything and insisting that they did nothing wrong. Cynthia is delusional. And NeNe's hair is like ombre done by a two-year-old; it was terrible. Also, Porsha's hair looked like a Chia Pet in her new interviews.
NeNe yells at Krayonce about how her "diaper" started all the problems by "charging" across the room at Natalie. And then that "queen" she drags along (Brandon) lashed out at Christopher. Kenya says Christopher grabbed her and Brandon was defending her.
NeNe objects to Brandon's red satin fairy costume and his getting involved – he also did it last year and provoked Kordell. True, Brandon is a famewhore. But no, he is not to blame for this incident! Krayonce is also waiting on an apology from Phaedra for Apollo's behavior towards Brandon. She's gonna be waiting longer than Apollo's jail sentence because Phaedra stares down her teabag, then announces that black people need to stop perpetrating negative stereotypes. Was that a shade-pology?
Porsha, who has like turned into a very-dumbed down Oprah, interjects that everyone needs to accept responsibility for their own role in the fight. Ugh – it pains me to admit she's right. And it also pains me to admit, Krayonce did not cause the fight. Although she did look like she was wearing a diaper!
Also, Kandi held auditions for her play and I swear every bad singer in Atlanta showed up – except Kim Zolciak!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – TEAM NENE OR TEAM KRAYONCE?
