Being Farrah entails many things. It does not entail telling the truth, accepting responsibility for your actions, or acting like an adult – just an adult film star.
We check in with the former Teen Mom as if we haven't seen enough of her on Couples Therapy, and Farrah Abraham tells us she's raising Sophia alone – or not because she's actually living with her dad Michael and traveling all over for her big important career of not being in the adult entertainment industry or taking a break from reality TV.
While Farrah is off being Farrah, Michael is actually raising Sophia in the huge enormous house Farrah's not being a porn star career paid for, but she doesn't want to talk about all that. Like ick! Now that MTV is back, so is Farrah. Lucky Sophia!
Debra and Michael are now divorced. Debra moved 1000 miles away and was happy in isolation until MTV knocked on her door with cameras. "How did you find me?" she whispers. "Leave me alone…" Next time try the witness protection program, Debra! And try wearing a less flamboyant coat than that full-length leopard-print number.
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Checking in with Sophia, she's aged 4, and still using a pacifier. I won't judge; she has to put up with Farrah and needs something to take the edge off – binkie away.
Farrah has worked hard to provide for her daughter. "Everything I've done is to support us," she say. Right – she did James Deen to support Sophia. The logic is… ummm… "outlandish" – Farrah's new favorite word, which she learned from her Dictionary.com word of the day email. She subscribes to the 5th grade edition.
Farrah catches up with her friend Heather – a Teen Mom producer. Lots of Farrah's friends are producers – people who need to make money based on her continued delusions. Explains a lot. Poor Sophia is forced to have a playdate with the MTV staffer's kid. Farrah is already setting her up with fake relationships and rent-a-friends. Mom of the year!
Heather asks Farrah about the sex tape, and admits she's seen it because Farrah is like a little sister to her. Errrrr… gross. Farrah quips that her life is happy and she's learned from a lot of mistakes. "I'm pretty much comfortable with a lot of things," Farrah explains. #sexswings #backdoor #sextape "I'm just an an intense person." Intensely delusional.
"I was pretty much trying to stay under the radar. I was 21 – let me do those things. Let me have sex. Let me go out and drink. Let me act my age. Nothing I did ever stayed under the radar." Says Farrah who confuses "under the radar" with selling stories to Radar Online and selling sex tapes to Vivid Entertainment. "So now I've learned – I'm not a normal person." Between Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Jenn, Farrah is really learning from therapy on how to lie better.
Farrah claims she's done with sex tapes. And the porn industry in general – which is why she goes on an extended spiel about the new sex toy line she's developing. Cause she's like so tired of "sick twisted weirdos" associated with the porn industry. Uh huh. When asked if she's worried about how her "career" will affect Sophia – Farrah is like ummmm… I thought this show was called BEING FARRAH and was about me – so who cares about Sophia! UGH
"I'm not gonna hide anything," Farrah explains of telling a teen Sophia about her decisions. Yeah, Farrah definitely isn't in to hiding anything – except the truth!
Farrah is chronically annoyed that Michael is invading her space by existing. So that's why she's traveling for work so much. She claims he doesn't respect her boundaries because he dares to interact with Sophia while Farrah is in the room. For the 6 minutes a month Farrah is with her daughter Michael has to poof! disappear so Farrah can pretend she is a good mom for the MTV cameras.
Farrah has a tanning booth in her house. I think Farrah is driving a Bentley? A rent-a-bently. Farrah brags about her success… in her industry. Which is not porn. I'm glad Farrah is using her money wisely. On necessities. <side eye> After dropping Sophia off at pre-school Farrah heads off to get MORE FILLERS!
Farrah is 22, going on 12 in behavior, and going on 50 and cougar in appearance. So naturally more botox is in order. She tells the aesthetician she wants a "stress-free mom look" and to botox the lines around her mouth away. I just want to know why she has spiderlegs growing out of her eyelids.
Also, why is Farrah wearing fingerless gloves in every scene? Did she hurt her wrists giving handjobs for her non-porn star career?
Then Farrah takes Sophia to dance, which is coincidentally taught by a friend of Farrah's from high school. I don't recall Farrah ever having any friends… Farrah's "friend" trips over telling Sophia that Farrah was a nice person in school and that Farrah and Sophia look so much alike. Before or after Farrah got her entire face rearranged and covered in plastic sheeting that's supposed to resemble skin?
Debra has been cajoled out of hiding by MTV and comes to visit. Farrah picks her up from the airport. Debra and Farrah have barely restrained contempt for each other.
Debra tells Farrah she is going to interview for some jobs in TX to be closer to her. "I'm just not talking about this. Thank you! Nevermind!" Farrah snaps. Huh? Debra sinks down farther in the seat and squeezes her eyes shut "I'm doing this for Sophia," she mouths silently.
Farrah gives Debra the tour of the new house – and Debra is impressed. Then Farrah says she has to go do some real quick work and goes into her office. Farrah's "office" boasts all of her accomplishments – including a copy of Backdoor Teen Mom, since Farrah is not a porn star and all.
Farrah goes to pick up Sophia from pre-school, where Mr. Glenn gives Sophia a sad pitying glance as she has to wait around and around for the MTV cameras to get setup. Sophia does not want to be filmed – I guess she doesn't want a role in the family business of famewhoring. Can Mr. Glenn adopt Sophia? I bet Sophia slipped him a note that said "Save Me from PornMa."
Sophia is so excited to see Debra and chases her around. Mind you these are the horrible people who abused Farrah as a child. Over dinner Farrah and Debra discuss Farrah's life. Farrah chooses this moment to discuss her new sex toy line. Shameless self-promotion!
Debra reads her rehearsed speech about how almost every household in America uses some sort of sex toy. I'm guessing Farrah threatened to blackmail her with vibrator pics if she didn't support her endeavors. "I'm not trying to be in the adult entertainment industry," Farrah maintains – despite the fact that everything she does is in the adult entertainment industry. Coochie molds. Sex Toys. Porn films. Stripper Gigs. Pole Dancing Pics. "It's not my real profession," she insists. Debra is trying so hard with Farrah.
The next day Farrah tries to force Sophia to take twit-pics "for her friends on twitter." Sophia does not want to, but Farrah nags until Sophia snaps. Sophia starts throwing things at Farrah and hitting her so Farrah forces her into time-out and asks why she's not behaving, "Is it because of Grandma being here?"
Then Farrah shoves Sophia into her room and slams the door. Sophia bangs on the door to get out so Farrah storms back in and starts manhandling and threatening her four-year-old. Without attempting to calm her down Farrah dumps Sophia on the bed and demands, "It's your nap time. I don't want to see you for an hour." Or like ever because I'm busy "working" on "things". Was she doing another butt mold?
Meanwhile, Debra glances down at what Sophia was drawing. "Help me." it read in a shaky hand surrounded by star stickers. Debra secreted it away.
Farrah flounces downstairs and blames her mother. "It's 'cause you're here," she accuses. Sophia is usually happy to do things like twitpics, apparently. Farrah stomps out to go to a skype interview where she complains about her "never ending job of continuously being a good mom." Oh yeah? Farrah might not want to quit her day job at porn – she's more successful at that. #sexswings
Farrah gets offered a job writing for Mosh News, but says she needs help with her punctuation. Is that a sex swing move? I thought Farrah was a writer – I mean she's writing a trilogy of erotica and Christian parenting! "I'm a columnist now," she brags to Debra.
Farrah and Debra then discuss how her career is not porn star, but other stuff "I only made one film," Farrah whines. Or 3. Someone needs Mr. Glenn to teach them how to count! Farrah also claims everyone has sex tape – all her friends have them too! Because her friends are porn stars. #Duh
Debra tries to give Farrah advice about living a normal life and meeting a normal man, but Farrah starts trying to cry over Derek. "God has a plan," Debra says squeezing Sophia's "Help me" note in her pocket.
Farrah and Heather go through a box of things from Derek, including all the IMs which she is saving for Sophia. Remember when Farrah and Derek were so in love… Oh wait. Another instance of Farrah completely changing history. Farrah whips out the old standby Ugly Cry Face.
Farrah gets ready to go out for the night. "I never go out," she pouts – except for paid appearances. She asks Sophia how she looks and Sophia responds, "Evil" then runs away. Children are smarter than they seem!
Farrah goes out for drinks with people she pays – her aesthetician (who is like 10 years older than Farrah but looks 10 years younger). She orders a drink despite the fact that she went to rehab for alcohol abuse. Then she talks about herself the entire time and how she's not really a porn star. She also says nice things about her parents for a change and admits she is blessed to have their support – and babysitting. When Farrah's friends want to talk about their lives, Farrah has to go.
Right before Debra flies back home Farrah tells her their relationship has gotten better since they're away from each other now. She doesn't want Debra to move to TX if she's gonna try to see her all the time. Debra reminds Farrah that she has her own life. Farrah looks unconvinced and practically slams the door behind her mom as she heads out.
Then Farrah goes in her room to write Sophia a letter for her baby book. Farrah reads portions of it to Sophia in a baby voice. Poor Sophia is so the parent in this relationship.
#EmancipateSophia
[Photo Credits: MTV/Twitter]
TELL US – HAS FARRAH GROWN UP AND CHANGED?
