Last night Teen Mom 2 seriously churned my stomach. Thanks Jenelle Evans!
While everyone else appears to be growing up, planning for the future and attempting to compromise (albeit accompanied by hysterical sobbing), Jenelle gets stupider by the day. Instead of ultrasounds she needs a brainscan for this amazing condition she's developed of never being able to make a rational choice – EVER!
So let's start with Jenelle, shall we. Get your barf bag ready!
Jenelle just took a pregnancy test and it said "pregnant!". Babs is teaching Jace to count while Jenelle is scrutinizing the pregnancy test trying to count the lines – one is a very faint pink. Her friend Tori (of the bright red hair) is there to deliver the Come To Jesus lecture and help Jenelle decipher the test. As if Jenelle who's been pregnant as many times as Michelle Duggar can't figure this out. Maybe the second pink line is caused by the reflection of Tori's hair?
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Jenelle who planned to become pregnant is shocked she got pregnant so fast. "I don't know if I am ready to be pregnant since I just had an abortion and all. What if it hurts this baby?" Tori blinks slowly and bites her tongue to keep from screaming YOU ARE THE DUMBEST PERSON ALIVE. "Maybe you should go to the doctor?" she suggests instead and hightails it out of there in desperate need of a nerve-stabilizing drink.
Jenelle and Nathan go out to breakfast before her ultrasound to see if the test was a false positive. Jenelle is confused – she doesn't know if she's still pregnant with Courtland's baby, meaning if part of her aborted fetus from Courtland LAST MONTH still remains in her uterus or if she's pregnant with a new kid from Nathan THIS MONTH. "Am I pregnant, not pregnant? Am I with your child? Or am I still pregnant with his child? I just wanna know," Jenelle rambles before the coffee even hit the table.
Nathan takes Jenelle's hand across the table and coos, "You're gonna be the best mother. I can't wait to start a family with you. This is a second chance for both of us." Shots of whiskey make me dry heave less.
The ultrasound determined she is NOT pregnant. It's likely leftover hormones from the abortion LAST MONTH. Good thing – because a child that is the combined DNA of Courtland, Jenelle, AND Nathan is a scary thought! Although think of the "Who's The Daddy?" Maury episode that would be!? That ultrasound tech was so professional and non-judgy. I need to channel her. Nathan takes Jenelle's hand and coos, "We'll get pregnant. We just need to do lots and lots of practice: morning, noon, and night." That's it – dinner lost.
Later, on the beach, Nathan again pesters Jenelle in a creepy way about whether or not she's ready and stable enough to be off the birth control she apparently was NEVER on since she couldn't afford it because of all her other bills #heroin #fakeboobs #orangeskin #Tiffanynecklace. Jenelle is ready. Nathan is so relieved – for a second there he thought he may have to get a real job instead of relying on MTV's child support. #IAintSayinHesAGoldDigger
At Babs', Jace is locking her out of the house and yelling "f–k!" If there was any doubt he is Jenelle's child… Poor Babs never a moment's peace because here comes "mommy" (I use that term loosely) and Nathan.
They tell Barabara they're disappointed that the pregnancy test ended up being a false positive. "Oh thank God," Babs snaps. Without ice cream to take the edge off she doesn't hold back and tells Jenelle she does not need to be pregnant. "I am not takin' care of another child," she warns.
While Barbara is talking, Jenelle zones out with her mouth hanging open. Seriously she needed a dental dam! Her fingers were twitching to snatch that iPhone off the table and start tweeting about what losers "some people" are for not "supporting her" and believing that she's such an awesome person! Just ask loser of the week she's been dating for 3 minutes, Nathan.
Speaking of which, WHY is MTV trying to make Nathan seem like a good guy. He has as many DUIs as Adam Lind (three!) and doesn't even have custody of his first kid. He and Adam are like a bad Maury episode: DUI Daddies & The Women Who Can't Stop Driving Them Around.
Adam and Taylor had new baby Paislee. Chelsea Houska is not thrilled – she doesn't want Aubree to have all these half-siblings running around. She doesn't understand why Adam didn't want to be a family with her and Aubree but then ran over and knocked Taylor up. I blame Chelsea's nuclear radiation skintone.
She complains to her friend Chelsey that she and Adam can't have a normal relationship and there is always a "flirty" element. Right… Can we please get a collection going to move some eligible bachelor out to SD to date Chelsea?! Is she on OK Cupid? That's it – I am making her a profile. Randilicious will pay for it.
Chelsea is throwing Aubree's 4th birthday party. The day of Aubree's birthday she has her friends come over to help set up. And make cake pops. This is apparently a very challenging task because they all obsess about it non-stop. Megan was curiously absent. I was about to call the police to file a missing persons report. Was she detained in customs in LA for offensive hair and skin colors not found in nature? Maybe the fashion police jailed her? Joan Rivers – release that woman!
Recede-Hawk comes over to visit Aubree (he remembered her birthday – thanks GoogleAlerts!). Adam drives up in his new corvette – which will soon be as fried as Chelsea's hair. I'm about to wonder how he'll fit two car seats in there when I remember he's not legally allowed to drive! I hope Taylor used her MTV money to buy a minivan!
Recede-Hawk keeps trying to get Aubree to say she wants to leave with him to hurt Chelsea. I think it's mean to Aubree AND Chelsea. Chelsea is hurt and blushes until her hair and skin totally match! She smoothes her frizz over her face to hide her sad panda eyes. Then Adam gives Aubree a toy she already has – which if he were actually involved in her life instead of jail, he might know. He leaves and Chelsea sad panda eyes out the window. "That was awkward," she sighs.
The party is a big ol' leopard-print success and Aubree loves it. Chelsea fears she'll start liking going to Adam's more because she has a "real family" there, but the reality is Adam is "fun" and Chelsea is a real mom. And at the end of the day Aubree knows this too.
Leah Calvert's hair still looks like an anime cartoon. Jeremy fainted at work and was released on a medical layoff. Leah is happy to have him home although she nag-worries about his health. Whatever – I think they're cute.
Jeremy is cranky and keeps getting headaches that Leah's penis flytrap vagina can't fix, so Leah makes him a doctor's appointment. He's so worn out he over-sleeps the day of the appointment and they are late. In the car they bicker and snap at each other. "Don't wreck us," Jeremy warns as Leah is NOT WATCHING THE ROADS to accuse Jeremy of being a jerk.
The doctor basically tells Jeremy it's hard work playing grown-up and he's stressed out. At home Mama Calvert is babysitting and Ali needs help finding purple and blue hair "like mommy". Yes – Leah has a whole host of clip-in hair extensions in neon colors for the girls to play with. Girls, there's a lot of ways you can be like mommy, but hair choice should not be one of them!
Leah goes out with her sister and a friend to vent about how life is so stressful. She says Jeremy is distant. She also says Corey isn't on board with putting Ali in school early so she can get a jumpstart. Poor Leah – it's hard corralling all the menz. Just don't wreck them!
Finally, Kailyn Lowry is mega-prego and a mega-bitch! She and Jo are due in court. As Kail and Javi drive to their new illicit house (shhh! Don't tell Jo they moved!), Kail complains about what a selfish jerk Jo is. I love that she's talking complete crap about him in front of Isaac – who can hear and understand everything.
Kail goes over to Jo's to try and work out a compromise before court. She wants 8 overnights per month but Jo is lobbying for 10. Immediately upon walking in the door Kail has her defenses up and complains that the pre-school she paid for is four-days per week so Jo can't have the extra day. Jo calls her "petty." PETTY! The nerve. Kail rebuts, "Most fathers only get every other weekend!"
Jo tells her he wants to be an exceptional father. Kail storms out and has a sobbing bitchfit in the car as she screams to Javi about what a horrible person Jo is. I'm gonna cut her some slack because she's pregnant and when I'm pregnant I have the emotional stability of your average mental institution patient!
Jo and Kail go to court that week and it's determined Jo will get 9 overnights and Kail will get the rest of the month. Neither party is happy. Jo because he wants more time, Kail because she wants what Kail wants. And also because she feels like she does all the "real" parent stuff while Jo just pays lipservice to being a hands-on father. Snuffy sad!
Aaaaahhhh Kail – it's a hard-knocks life! Instead of kisses, you get dissed. At least Javi bows down to your every demand.
[Photo Credits: MTV]
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