Last night was the final-final episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Thank the heavens above – it's over. That was like RHONJ bad, right?
Of course we have to begin by rehashing the same regurgitated storyline about Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, and the cheating tabloids that never were. It's like Kyle forced Bravo to put in her contract that this matter must be discussed – at length – once per episode.
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There are a few things I've learned watching RHOBH this season, one of them is that Kyle is the new Jill Zarin. You know, she's the type who meddles and whines and manipulates and calls WWHL to contest poll results because she has to be the most popular, she has to be liked, and she has to have attention for some antic, she's petty and keeps score. Last night she was in pure over-talking sensationalist mode of ranting and raving like some attack yenta about how Lisa was destroying her marriage by bringing up the invisible cheating rumors.
What's worse – Kyle shrieking and finger pointing or Kim Richards rambling?
I have two things to say about this: 1) Kyle will do anything for attention. 2) The hair doth protest too much. Sounds to me like someone is worried there may be something extra-extra happening to make her so insecure.
Lisa insists she was trying to diffuse the rumors, which she didn't believe, and that tabloids are silly, like the time they accused her of having a sex tape. Brandi Glanville pipes up (literally!) that sex tapes aren't so bad for your reputation – just ask Kim Kardashian. #Yeelusional
After an arduous and exhausting episode of listening to Kyle rant, while frothing caviar and glitter from her lips, Snarlton Gebbia called her "trash", Andy Cohen pulled out a taser, and Lisa issues a non-apology for hurting Kyle's feelings while rolling her eyes. I'm pretty sure she texted Andy her newly renegotiated contract rate – adding an extra 0 for pain and suffering.
Lisa really, really has a hard time apologizing – this is true – but you know, I wouldn't apologize to Kyle if I accidentally hacked 15 feet of her hair cape off.
Feeling afraid of getting Zarin'd vindicated, Kyle says she wants to move on (because she can "let things go"). She hopes she and Lisa can be friends again. Andy asks Lisa what she wants from Kyle, Lisa issues the most epic side-eye in the history of reality TV and says "Nothing." If Kyle thought she was dead to Lisa before she's really dead to her now. Like used up all her facelifts and stuck with the Joan Rivers wrinkles. The dead body of their friendship is in a suitcase with the old copies of STAR magazine. Roscia is currently donating the whole lot to underprivileged girls who need a lesson in not biting the hand that feeds them. It's better than some old caftans from Kyle by Delusional Too!
Also dead to Lisa is Brandi. Without sarcasm I absolutely believe Brandi needs serious professional help. She is upset that Lisa is close to Scheana Marie and accuses her of forcing them to interact together on camera. Brandi sniffs that it's like being cheated on all over again.
Brandi also goes drones on again about how Lisa manipulated her into saying things she didn't want to say. Lisa insists that is not true because Brandi is a strong woman. Brandi calls Lisa the smartest person alive, who can manipulate anyone. She thinks this is a compliment. Lisa is offended. Brandi doesn't want to admit to being a strong woman because then she wouldn't get to use her victim act anymore.
A couple things 1) Eddie was cheating with Scheana 8-years-ago. EIGHT! I'm not saying it still shouldn't hurt. I'm not saying Brandi should want anything to do with Scheana. I'm not saying Brandi should ever forget the horrible indiscretions, however, she needs to move on. Watching her have an emotional breakdown worthy of a Richards on stage made me realize she is living in the past. It's scary.
Brandi believes Lisa is choosing Scheana over her. The scenes of them shopping and having engagement parties on Vanderpump Rules are evidence of this. Lisa reiterates that Scheana is an employee of both her and Bravo, therefore those scenes happen at the producers' insistence. Andy points out that Lisa doesn't do those things for Kristen Doute (because – ew). Brandi pipes up that Lisa is an executive producer of her show, which c'mon we all know is a vanity title (or as Lisa puts it, you get input on sexy titles). Yolanda "When Lyme Brain Is Convenient" Foster pipes up that Lisa should have stood up to producers out of respect for her friendship to Brandi.
Lisa is adamant that although she likes Scheana, she is an employee and she really has very little say in what the producers dictate. Andy attempted to deflect because he totally doesn't want the cat out of the bag about how fabricated these storylines are. Now Lisa is totally having Andy deported back to St. Louis – she has those powers you know. And right after that she's gonna manipulate Carlton into setting his Snoopy collection on fire using her hexes. And then finally Joyce Giraud (now Lisa's pawn, per Brandi) is gonna hair flip Andy into submission. Lisa is the smartest person in the world. THE SMARTEST. I mean Lisa is smart, but I doubt she's the world's most be-sequined dictatress as Brandi likes to portray her.
Actually Yolanda may be the smartest person in the world because she's pretty savvy for operating on 70% diminished brain capacity – imagine her at full voltage.
Brandi just wants to know who Lisa would save from a burning building: Scheana or her? Lisa realizes her waitresses are of more use to her, so… sorry Botox face! Brandi says she's emotionally exhausted. Yeah, I know the feeling…
Lisa wonders why, if she's so terrible, Brandi even wants to be her friend and Brandi cries. Brandi is spending way too much money on booze now that LV has cut her off from her 'friends' tab at SUR.
Finally Lisa apologizes for hurting Brandi's feelings, kinda. Brandi apologizes for being nasty as well. The husbands take the stage.
Both Davids are absent. Mr. Joyce Giraud has lost weight because Carlton cursed his digestive tract and he can't keep anything down. Initially he was mad but then he took Yolanda's advice and Googled "Wicca" and now he understands that they're good people, except for Snarlton who is acting the part of a Wiccan but not living up to the beliefs. Michael has zero apologies for calling Brandi trash.
Mauricio complains about cheating again and is pissed Lisa didn't buy a hovercraft to announce that she doesn't believe he was cheating, even though she wasn't supposed to bring up said cheating rumors because then *gasp* they would be on TV and lord knows Kyle doesn't want that! Kyle had a death grip on Mauricio's arm like she thought he was gonna leap off the couch and start humping another lady. Or Andy!
The real winner of the reunion however is Ken Todd. Ken takes the stage and, without prompting, humbly and sincerely apologizes to Kim for suggesting she was drinking again and to Yolanda for calling her stupid. It was so sincere and earnest both ladies were stupefied. Kim got all blushy and coy and it was sweet. She apologized to Ken for calling him an "old man" and Yolanda accepted the apology but then tried to insinuate Ken grabbed her again. Ken firmly denied this and directed Yolanda to watch the footage.
One person Ken does not have well-wishes for is Brandi. He succinctly tells her he does not think he could let her back into their lives after the things she has said and done. Brandi whines that she was in a bad place and needed support. "It's not nice to be dropped," she sniffs. Ken explains some things happened (along with Brandi complaining about Lisa's involvement in her life) that led them to distance themselves. I love that Ken doesn't betray a lady with the gory details. Brandi wants them back because they're like family. For the sake of being magnanimous Ken says he'll forgive her because he can't stand to see a lady cry. However we all know that's not gonna happen.
Lisa and Ken have such a great, connected, and real marriage. That was truly evident last night.
At the end everyone makes a toast. Kim hopes she and Lisa can rebuild the relationship they apparently never had. Kyle hopes she and Lisa can truly work past their issues. Brandi hopes she and Lisa can be friends. Lisa thinks Joyce is nice. And sparkly! Carlton hopes she never has to come in contact with Kyle again.
Here's what I hope:
I hope Brandi has learned some good lessons about friendship and taking accountability, like: think before you speak, value good relationships and put down the wine.
I hope Kyle learned we really don't care about what she has to say. I hope Joyce, her sparkles and her semi-automatic weapon mouth return because we like her. I hope Yolanda gets over herself. I hope Kim lives happily ever after in fairy tale sunshine Kingsleydom. I hope Carlton's tanning bed breaks because she looks so much better unjerkified and I hope she finds a reality show much more suited to her particular tastes, errr… maybe she can start a sex toy line or something! Or a church with no labels.
I hope Lisa makes Andy pay her double next season and gets at least one of these broads fired only to replace them with someone truly awesome, fabulous, and rich. And I truly hope next season of RHOBH is much, much better.
[Photo Credits: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo]
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