Last night was the season finale of Teen Mom 2. Aaaahhh… Jenelle Evans oh my, my, my. Man every single season this girl does something to make me think less of her. I mean just when I think she can't top getting arrested for heroin after marrying someone she barely knows, she goes and makes a baby with another lunatic she barely knows not 3 months after having an abortion.
For all of that, I felt a little bad for Jenelle last night – if only because it became more than abundantly clear that she is not right. Nathan Griffith is a sociopath. Something is seriously wrong with him. We will be seeing him as the subject of a Dateline NBC mystery where he has done something truly heinous.
And also, this recap is sponsored (kidding, not really) by the maternity lingerie photo of Kailyn Lowry and topless Javi Marroquin that is framed above their bed. At least Snuffy was smiling and that may be the only smiling photo of her I've ever seen!
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So let's kick things off with Nathan and Jenelle, two star-crossed lovers who no one believes in. <eye roll>. Jenelle is pregnant, Nathan just got popped for his third DUI, and neither one of them has custody of their first kids. Adding to it, neither one of these delightful specimens of humanity have jobs. Jenelle says Nathan just quit his and now they're arguing about money. Correction – Nathan probably never had one and was pretending to go to work while he cyberstalked people from the library or whatever it is crazy people do when they're the living incarnate of a villain in a Lifetime Movie starring someone like Tiffani Amber Thiessen, who doesn't know she found true love with a sociopath.
To add to their list of enviable charms, Jenelle and Nathan got into a massive fight while Barb was bringing Jace over and Jenelle got arrested for disturbing the peace right in front of her son. Apparently they fight like this often and the neighbors called the cops. Nathan bailed Jenelle out using her money. Now they're discussing their 'future'. Jenelle wants Nathan to get a job. Nathan is like, bitch – I have a job, I knocked you up, now I just gotta sit here and play X-Box while MTV doles out the dollars. "Just you worry about Jenelle and let me worry about Nathan," Nathan smirks. Look douchebag – she's pregnant with your spawn, so yeah – you do have to worry about her! The urge to reach through the TV was strong … so strong.
MUGSHOT: NATHAN GRIFFITH BACK IN THE SLAMMER!
Jenelle goes over to Barbara's to discuss her latest drama and Barb is of course disgusted. Jace greets her at the door asking if Nathan is going to "try and kill her again." Direct quote. Jenelle's son said that to her and she was like ummmm… geee… you watch too much TV. haha.
Barb gives the same old concerned speech again, which I swear MTV just has a recording that they play on repeat so they don't have to waste resources filming these scenes over and over. She calls Jenelle out on rushing into another relationship with yet another loser who will bleed her dry. This time Jenelle reveals Nathan has been physically violent with her (doesn't she say this about all these guys?) and choked her, but she took the blame so they both don't get arrested. Barbara reminds her she's on probation and Nathan is also likely headed for jail. Then she goes and cleans out her craft room to make it into a baby nursery to stash Jenelle's latest spawn. Kaiser Roll, meet your new mommy Barbara!
The next day Nathan (who is rocking bleached tipped porcupine hair last seen on Mark McGrath when Sugar Ray was like "The" Band (think 2002), gives Jenelle one of his completely hysterical "instructional chats" about what she needs to do. This time it's get attorneys. Call the judge whisperer, Dustin. Since Dustin can't represent her in a different state he recommends someone. They also need to stop fighting. For the sake of the children.
Dustin calls a friend and says, 'Look, whatever you do – keep this girl out of jail. MTV will be cutting you huge checks. Law school student loans – kiss them goodbye! And she will break the law over and over again so seriously that new Maserati you wanted – yours! But do not give Jenelle any personal information!' Jenelle is the Lindsay Lohan of reality TV.
The new attorney, a woman, tells it to Jenelle straight-up: she could be looking at 13 months for a probation violation and she would give birth in prison. "That would suck," deadpans Jenelle. The attorney, who literally met Jenelle 5 minutes ago, tells her her toxic relationship is ruining her life and she needs to get away from Nathan. Is there an NA group for women who date extreme psychos? Psycho-Lovers Anonymous?
Jenelle and Nathan go to a doctor's appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat and they had another fight. On the ride home Nathan tells her to get an abortion because they're not stable. Really… Really! Gee it is too bad these two losers didn't think about that before you know planning to get knocked up two episodes ago. Nathan blames all their problems on Jenelle, he emotionally abuses her, and tells her it's her fault they can't get along. She bursts into tears, sobbing, "Why are you so mean to me?" Then he hugs her and pretends he cares. It was sick. Seriously sick.
Moving on, Leah Calvert is working on her marriage to Jeremy and seems less interested in Corey now. I hope Corey went home from cheer practice last week, ran his fingers through Miranda's non-plastic hair, observed that her skin is a color not associated with nuclear radiation and realized how good he had it.
Corey and Leah are obviously in a hair growing competition because his face is as bushy, wild, and out-of-control as her hair. These two are scaring me.
Everyone is headed to OH to learn more about Ali's diagnosis. While prepping for the trip Leah has some major country music star circa 1987 hair and while she's using her puff pens to color-coordinate her packing list ( I swear she uses those same pens to apply her makeup). Meanwhile poor Alioonananabooboo or whatever her name is, is stranded in the high chair and stuffing cheetos in her mouth and smearing them all over her face. She is feeding her infant CHEETOS. Hey look – mommy and baby have matching skintone!
Leah tells her sister she notices Ali getting weaker and the other day when they were napping she had trouble breathing in her sleep. She's anxious. In the hotel the next morning Leah wakes up in leopard print PJs and her Tammy Wynette hair is still in tact. Seriously. She wakes Ali up, but Ali won't eat breakfast because she's nervous. Leah hugs her and you can see how nervous she is for her daughter. It's moments like this I like and respect Leah. Then she does some other crap like nag Jeremy until he enters witness protection.
Leah and Jeremy meet Corey and Miranda at the doctors and I'd like to take a moment to discuss Leah's pants. Those things were an acid trip. Between her ginormous hair, Corey's ginormous beard, and those pants it was hard to even focus on what Dr. Tsao was saying! Ali is diagnosed with a Titan gene mutation. There are less than 20 people in the world that have this mutation and no children have been diagnosed yet. Ali will get weaker, but will live a long life. Hearing and lung issues are associated with the illness, but the heart is not usually affected until well into adulthood. Basically they have no idea what to expect.
Leah, Jeremy, Corey, and Miranda discuss how to move forward. They're all acting so mature I almost forget I'm talking about Leah, and her nagging that's as obnoxious as her pants. They all agree they have to rely on hope and that's all they can do.
Kail is struggling to adapt to a newborn and a toddler. I feel her. It's hard. I was there not too long ago and whew! She's also nursing which means she is literally chained to her baby. She worries that she isn't giving Isaac enough attention and feels guilty. Luckily Javi is there to help out and pitch in. She really has an amazing hubby.
Jo calls to say his parents are separated, sold the house, and he has a two-bedroom apartment which he shares with… Vee. I was prepared for Kailyn to go apeshit, but she remains remarkably calm. I can see her judging eyes. I can feel her wanting to micro-manage and control, but Jo – blessed Jo – shoots her the upper-hand. Even though significant others weren't supposed to be involved in the custody transports, because of the new baby, Javi has been taking Isaac to and from Jo's. "He's my husband," Kail snaps petulantly.
Kail is worried about more changes in Isaac's life. A new room and house when he's at Jo's, plus a new house and a new baby with her. When Jo shows Isaac his old room at his grandparent's, it's empty and he cries, but Jo cajoles him by showing him the new room in the new apartment. Isaac is excited to see Vee and adapts quickly when he sees all his toys. He is an adorable child. Regardless of how much Kail annoys me with her whiny-whiny-boo-boo pants sulk-a-thon, she is a good mother and clearly Jo is a good father.
When Isaac comes back to Kail's, he's happy. Kail and Javi put Isaac to bed and he says "Goodnight Daddy" to Javi. Kail observes that Isaac has been calling Javi "daddy" a lot lately and says Jo will yell at Isaac if he finds out. Still Kail thinks it's fine since Javi is so involved in Isaac's life, but on the other token she admits she would not be able to handle it if Isaac started referring to Vee as "mommy". Kail dismisses Vee as not as involved in Isaac's life. Oh Kail, always the sulky control freak.
Finally, Chelsea Houska has really grown up this season. Aubree goes for a visitation weekend with Adam Lind and Chelsea is headed upstate to take her board certified esthetics exam. She's sad about missing Aubree, whining about how she hates being stressed, and instead of doing something about her hair just wanders aimlessly around the apartment collecting leopard-print items to haul with her for her overnight. Where do these girls find all this leopard-print?
Adumbee takes Aubree, Paislee, and Tayloree bowling and makes threats about how he's gonna get more time with Aubree and Chelsea won't be able to stop him since he's improving his life so much.
Chelsea has a mild panic attack about boards and manages it by smearing more and more layers of eyeshadow on her face until she's virtually unrecognizable as a human person. After the test she's convinced she bombed and calls Randy to demand he tell her if she failed she can re-take it. Then she goes to pick up Aubree, where she learns that she had a great time with Adumbee.
And then Adam gets into a car crash where his car burst into flames after he hit an elderly couple driving at a high rate of speed without a license or insurance. He's in the hospital and charges will likely be pressed. Chelsea is so glad she made no driving with Aubree a mandatory provision of their visitation – not like Adam would follow it anyway, and seems relieved that this latest incident will likely limit his visitation.
"I feel guilty," Chelsea admits. "That's her dad because of me."
Chelsea doesn't get why Adam just cannot get it together. "Stop doing stuff!" she snaps. "Be a normal person. A parent is supposed to be a role model." Can someone please cross-stitch this onto a pillow for Jenelle.
We don't find out if Chelsea passed her boards, but next week is the reunion where all will be revealed and we'll get more the creepfactor that is Orange-ogre Nathan.
[Photo Credits: MTV]
TELL US – ARE YOU WORRIED FOR JENELLE? WILL ADAM EVER SHAPEUP? WHERE YOU SURPRISED BY ALI'S DIAGNOSIS?
