Last night our ladies of the Empire State were finally back where they belonged – in Manhattan! Despite the calming days in Montana, a key Real Housewives of New York friendship is seeming to detonate!
Much like Survivor, these ladies are stranded on an island and forced into alliances. But Sonja Morgan is switching up the game. While interviewing a new intern in her backyard (which we so do not care about in the least), she’s wearing a fabulous military-inspired dress and preparing for friendship warfare. Into the garden wanders Aviva Drescher. Long time no see – and not missed!
Sonja immediately lobs a grenade – the entire trip all the girls were talking about Aviva (They were?) – but worst of all was Ramona Singer who accused Aviva of lying about asthma because she is afraid to travel without Reid.
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Well, well – apparently Sonja is so desperate to get into Harry’s wallet pants, she’s ganging up against Ramona for Aviva. This is more perplexing than an intern named Hummus coloring on a Chanel bag with a sharpie while its owner prances around toaster oven-ing in “Victory Lap” panties from the night before.
Aviva is highly affronted. To deal with the heartbreak of Ramona’s betrayal she tips back her inhaler and chugs? sucks? I think we see why Reid married Aviva if that inhaler is any indication. And then Avicious goes bye-bye.
Back to cast members that matter-ish, Kristen Taekman and Heather Thomson are putting their argument behind them with a double-date. Except Kristen is still not over “bossy gate”. I was too focused on Kristen’s dress – it was hideous and mustard-colored and seemed to be choking the life out of her more than her unhappy marriage is. #metaphors
Heather arrives – they toast to being friends and Heather relishing in her role as a B-O-S-S. Then Kristen and Josh start bickering about his B-O-S-S status: he always puts his business before her, spends his nights “entertaining clients”, and does little to demonstrate he appreciates his wife or family. Heather is empathetic because she too is building a business, but tries to understand Kristen’s plight as the oft neglected stay-at-home wife and mother. Unfortunately Heather’s attempt to be empathetic to Kristen came off as hollow as clearly she and Josh both put Kristen in the category of “less essential” since she doesn’t have a ‘real job’.
Kristen recounts the story of how they left LA, where she had friends, a niche modeling market and a cute little house she loved. But one day Josh announced they had to move to NYC for his business, and 10 days later the house was rented, the 2-year-old packed up, and they were gone. Heather quips that it’s how an entrepreneur “thinks.” No, that’s how a douche thinks. #douchrepreneur. Jonathan reaches his hand out to Kristen’s under the table and gives a little consoling squeeze – they are kindred spirits in these marriages to B-O-S-S-Ypreneurs. Kindred spirits left alone, and forced to eat a thousand TV dinners with TIVO while their spouses Boost Around and Control Top the world.
Since Josh accuses Kristen of never cooking – which is why he is never home for dinner – Kristen decides to “cook.” She has a spastic attack while pondering how to wash lettuce – that’s work people! W-O-R-K like B-O-S-Ses do. But it doesn’t matter because Josh was late and when she called him to remind him to come home, she started nagging and he started screaming about his all-important conference calls.
When Josh finally resentfully sulks through the door he snaps at Kristen that he’s annoyed and she shrieks that he made her burn potatoes. Then he tells her he’d rather eat out because well, Kristen is like Amelia Bedelia in the kitchen! They sit down to bicker over unwashed lettuce, burned potatoes, and mottled fish fillets (I think that was fish?). I don’t know what was worse: the food or the mutual assholery!
Josh thinks they need a neutral third-party mediator to deal with their varying perceptions of reality. Kristen kisses the floor and bellows hallelujah that Josh is agreeing to counseling. She cries about wanting to save her marriage and what a wonderful man Josh is. Reality TV shows never depict anyone in their best light – I’ll just take Kristen’s word for it that Josh is so great…
On the other side of delusional island, Ramona is wandering around in a Christmas tree skirt (perfect for storing her delusions and wine bottles) and chugging pinot, while Mario practices for his open mic debut at Birdland. Reportedly, allegedly, presumably, he (and Ramona’s gay husband) have written a special song for her about their love which Mario will be serenading Ramona with in front of all and sundry. I think Ramona wanted this recorded as a f-off to the ol’ mistress!
The greatest irony of the whole charade was Mario titling the song “Effortless” – it was all about how simple it is to love Ramona. That had to be shade. Right – lyrical shade? There is absolutely nothing effortless about dealing with Ramona, which is how she sells her wine so abundantly – all in contact with her give up and resort to chugging alcohol (or in Aviva’s case – inhalers).
As Mario warbles through Effortless, with great effort, Ramona announces that LuAnn de Lesseps, who she thinks is a terrible singer will be performing backup during Mario’s touching gesture. This is double-layered shade. See, Ramona doesn’t think LuAnn can sing, so why would she want her presumably mucking up the heartfelt song Mario has presumably written for Ramona? Furthermore Ramona doesn’t like LuAnn so why would she want her involved in a performance about loving Ramona? Is it because Mario doesn’t love Ramona either so why not go full-tilt masochism? This whole charade Ramona is putting on is really, really far reaching into the delusional pool.
Speaking of troubled relationships – LuAnn and Jacques are a mess! They are doing some photoshoot with their dogs in the park – and they are on the rocks both literally and figuratively as they bicker and snipe at each other through the whole thing. Yikes.
And on to other gross displays in the park, Sonja and her very sheer dress meet Harry for a picnic. The intention of this picnic is for Sonja to flash her commando as she subtly drops hints that Harry should legally and forevermore give her his dubin by proposal of marriage. They dated a decade ago before Harry creepily married Aviva, for her inhaling abilities we should assume, and now that Sonja is broke and needing someone to fill her victory laps with, she’s propositioning him over olives. Harry seemed, oddly, like he may be taking the bait.
While Sonja is involved in that charade, Carole Radziwill is sending early release copies of her novels to all the important people with big mouths that she knows – Aviva was not included in that list, but Barbara Walters was. And Ralph Fiennes. And Kelly Ripa. Carole sure does a killa name drop. Word on the street is she has some credibility.
Before Mario’s big public display of remorse, Ramona and Sonja visit the plastic surgeon to get a fat melting laser. Ramona has a pinotgut problem she’d like to eradicate. Kristen goes with them, because as Ramona says, she’s “taken Kristen under her wing.” Subtext: much like they did Aviva, they want to turn Kristen against the other girls and use her as a pawn in the great game of Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Do Me Take RHONY by stupor.
Sonja insists Kristen needs an eye lift (thankfully Kristen is pretty smart in seeing through their nonsense), then she vacillates about how much fat to get melted from her love handles since Harry likes a little something to grab onto. Ugh. But I want that laser for Christmas.
The night of Mario’s open mic performance, we learn that Heather will also be performing. We also learn from a relentless and irascible Ramona that LuAnn has decided against singing backup for Mario. Ramona insists LuAnn perform and is taking special delight in the idea of LuAnn embarrassing herself because, as Ramona puts it, LuAnn cannot sing without Autotune. So – Ramona essentially is hoping she can USE LuAnn to ruin Mario’s big performance? Dark Ramona, dark.
LuAnn refuses and tells Ramona to leave her alone. Of course, Ramona is not going to respect anyone’s boundaries so she presses until LuAnn calls her a rude cow. Shouldn’t Ramona be focused on this amazing ballad her loving husband is performing for her instead of petty drama? Oh wait…
Mario performs “Effortless” with closed eyes and without acknowledging the recipient during the course of the performance. In fact before he performs he tells Ramona to leave him alone and go away. And what a beautiful ‘Please don’t divorce me because we don’t have a prenup’ ballad it was!
I, frankly, was more riveted by Harry sucking that chicken bone dry! I guess we know why Aviva married Harry – those who suck together – stay together. Errr… Wait – I guess we know why Sonja wants Harry back. Those who suck together, get back together!
Then Heather takes the stage and gives it her best American Idol try. It was cute and fun and a great tribute to her musician father who passed away. What Heather lacks in singing ability she makes up for in balls – and sparkle!
LuAnn also tweeted that she performs at Birdland often and she did sing that night – just not with Mario – but Bravo edited it out. So I guess LuAnn just didn’t want to be involved in Ramona’s massive f-you charade of delusion – or whatever it was she was doing that required quite a lot of effort.
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
TELL US – WAS MARIO’S SONG SINCERE? WHY IS SONJA TURNING ON RAMONA? WILL KRISTEN AND JOSH SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE?
