Are yous ready for this? Real Housewives of New Jersey is ba-ack this Sunday. Before we dive into the new New Jersey, let’s rehash last season so we’re all prepared. Undoubtedly the theme for season five was Love & Fight. The cast made amends and broke up every other episode!
We were promised a season of family reunification but it was really more of the same old family crucification. The cast took their battling, bickering, and brawling all across the USA since Juicy was banned from international travel via his bail agreement #FlightRisk, where they attempted to mend fences with therapists, magic pony rides, and “truthing” exercises. And it all came crashing down again when they took a little venture to The Land of Posche.
In the end, we ended up right back where we started, but at least Bravo fired some people and a new cast might bring new dramas. Here’s hoping! Oh – and Teresa Giudice got indicted, so that’s also something new.
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After Melissa Gorga was accused of ignoring her father-in-law while he was in the hospital, the family drama surged again at poor Gia’s birthday party. Thus began the Gorgadice family issues dominating the season, yet again with the two sisters-in-law from hell “drownding” in petty drama.
Sibling drama then erupted at the gym – and hopefully was eclipsed by the sounds of Vitamixes and Zumba classes – because Teresa and Poison practically threw down over the Stairmaster, which made both of them realize things desperately need to change. In theory. But actions speak louder than words…
The biggest story of last season were the allegations from Melissa‘s friend Jan that Melissa had cheated on Joe “Poison” Gorga with her ex-boyfriend. You mean… the poison isn’t enough to keep a girl happy?!
Of course right thick in the middle of all the swirling gossip was Kim D, who is literally the Ursula (Little Mermaid reference) of Housewives. And since Kim D and Teresa are quite close, Teresa was accused of not only believing Melissa would cheat, but of perpetuating the rumors, and fraternizing with the tellers of truths being friends with people who spread rumors about her beloved sister-in-lawr!
The other source of the rumors – and the alleged holders of proof that the rumors are true – were Kim D‘s friend Penny Extensions and her husband Johnny ‘The Greek’ Karagiorgis, who have been on twitter harassing Melissa and Joe about Melissa’s skanky ways! And of course, Teresa is using Penny as a mouthpiece by slipping her information so she isn’t guilty. See, Penny was Teresa’s friend when it was convenient and then not Teresa’s friend when it was convenient!
The season finale took place where all season finales take place – at Posche (viva la Kim D! Posche4Life YOPO: You Only Posche Once). At Posche, Poison got his manties in a bunch and it turned into an epic brawl with Johnnny over the rumors about Joew’s pure as the driven snow wife. Oh no, our Missy would never, ever do anything nefarious and sneaky, now would she?
Chris and Jacqueline got involved because Johnny reportedly made accusations that Jacqueline was faking Nicholas‘ autism diagnosis for a storyline and to get attention. Wackin’ Jacqueline got so ‘girl from the Vegas strip’ she whipped off a Louboutin and smacked Johnny in the head! Of course, the lovely powers-that-be at Bravo edited out pretty much the entire incident because of an on-going lawsuit. Oops.
Of course, sneaky and duplicitous is the way of the Jersey – and that extends to home building! Melissa and Joe listed their McJersey Mansion which boasted all the high-end, upscale comforts one could expect: faux marble sinks, wonky plumbing, and no in-ground pool! Despite the lack of amenities (it’s like so Paterson!), the Poisons claim to have sold it for $3.8 million. Clearly, that’s dubious.
The cast took a trip to upstate NY for a fambly retreat that escalated into a Joew vs. Joew battle of the runty over-the-hill guidos. Poison’s temper flared yet again as he chaaaarged his brother in law after calling his sister “scum”. Poison spread more than his ill-will however, he also got his hair-in-a-can all over his castmates while he was rumbling around on the floor WWF-fail style. Oh, and in case you’re wondering: Juicy trumped him. After all of that, the formidable Dr. V showed up and demanded the fambly get real and honest. Oh they did – as real and honest as Poison’s hair and Teresa’s finances are!
The cast then took a trip to Arizona for more healing at a spiritual resort spa where Teresa and Melissa ostensibly put their issues behind them (they didn’t.) as they bonded over death-defying high-wire walks (in hot pants!) and horseback authenticating (in halter tops!). Strangely Juicy was the person who took it most seriously as he admitted how scared he was to go “away” to another “big” house – one with a lot less faux-gilded vanities and marble. But also less Teresa…
Of course there were some lovable things about last season – like finally Terlucy and Jaquethel reunited and got their friendship back on track thanks to a little equine therapy in Arizona. Jacqueline Laurita also got plastic surgery and shared with us Nicholas‘ progress as the the family struggled with his autism diagnosis.
As for Caroline Manzo, she dealt with mediating, empty nest syndrome, redefining her marriage, getting her honesty on, and quitting RHONJ for a spinoff. #Freedom
Also, I have no idea what Kathy Wakile did other than make cannoli and roll her eyes. #Wallpaper
[Photo Credits: BravoTV]
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