Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey newbie Amber Marchese got a baptism by garbage fire. And her husband Jim Marchese tried to act all big, important, and like principled and ish – not on my Jersey!
Melissa Gorga, behind-the-scenes s#*!-stirrer and perpetual wannabe victim, tackled the double-trouble twins with some gossip and found that Teresa Giudice isn’t the only person who flips-the-f-out!
Before all that, Joe and Melissa embark upon a new career – one they’re suited for! Joe bought a big ol’ garbage truck and announced they’re in the garbage business. At first I thought he meant they ARE the garbage business, which of course, but they are for real compacting garbage. This type of garbage is a truck specifically designed to incinerate important papers. And if Juicy or Chris Laurita‘s “paperwork” are any indication – I say that truck is going to be doing a lot of business! Also now they can finally “smoosh” all evidence of Melissa’s past – like the Lookers! paychecks!
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The Gorgas, of course, need this business to work because they “invested millions”. Like we believe they have millions to invest. Millions of pennies perhaps! Or maybe they used the $3.8 M proceeds from the “sale” of their house… Oh wait. Speaking of houses, Joe informs Melissa he’s not planning to start building their new one right now. Melissa is stuck in that horrible, awful rental! Whatever will she do?! Maybe incinerate Poison.
Teresa is hosting a tasting party for close friends and family (+ Melissa and Amber) to introduce her new line of Fabulicious Desserts. She starts with a photoshoot with Milania, on a sugar high, behaving atrociously. Oh heavens… just reserve this girl a leopard-besparkled, marble-accented cell in juvy. As in all aspects of her life, Teresa smiles vacantly and pretends it’s not happening as Milania terrorizes the set and calls the photographer a “butthole”. Time to get out the Fabulicious time out chair, T!
Audriana, on the other hand, is gorgeous, sweet, and the only person in Jersey who looks cute in leopard. I thought Teresa’s table setting for the party was really cute – clearly Dina Manzo helped. Dina calls Teresa “super mom” and can’t believe how well she is holding everything together. While it is true that Teresa’s work ethic and her ability to preserver are commendable, I think what Dina meant is she can’t believe how well Teresa can keep up with the denial – and ignore Milania’s clear acting out!
Melissa rides with Amber so they can rekindle their long-lost friendship. Amber blathers about how she feels she can trust Melissa with important secrets – even though Melissa supposedly lied about knowing Amber had cancer. Amber tells Melissa that Nicole Napolitano‘s divorce was suspect because there was cheating and Nicole dumped him – just a rumor, mind you. However a rumor in Jersey is the word of gospel. It seems Nicole was having an affair, which broke up a marriage, and then after all was said and done she dumped her man on the side. More on this later…
Teresa conducts a blind taste testing of the desserts and Melissa goes first. “Don’t feed me poison,” Melissa quips. I bet she says that every night in the bedroom. Then she informs us she loves being blindfolded and having things shoved in her mouth. Love Italian Style!
Amber is really and truly trying to get on Teresa’s good side because while Amber loves a hair flip (Mortgage now! low rates! quick decision! low-budget commercials! Totally not a scam!), she fears a table flip! Amber starts crying about Teresa’s terrible situation with the prison and all, then she talks about her cancer. THE cancer which she tells about at least 10 times an episode. I don’t want to be unkind, but drinking game alert! Every time you hear the c-word (cancer, not c-u-next-tuesday!): DRINK. Dina does not trust Amber. Dina is clutching her Claire’s Boutique evil eye necklace under her shirt and willing it to protect them all from cancerous friends.
Which brings me to an interesting point about Amber and her husband Jim. Teresa and Joe go out to dinner with Teressssssssa Aprea, her hubby Rino, and Nicole with her boyfriend Bobby – and they all hit it off. Actually they seemed to legit get along – I think they’re all functioning on the same immaturity level, plus shrill shrieky baby-tawkers with hair trigger tempers must stick together or something.
Bobby and Rino decide to plan a guys night, but Jim refuses to attend because he is in the mortgage processing business and works closely with prosecutors that bust fraudulent mortgages, and Joe has just been indicted for mortgage fraud. Jim claims it’s a “conflict of interests” for him to associate with the Juicys. So, Jim didn’t have a “conflict of interests” when he joined RHONJ? You know the same SHOW Juicy is on… Nor did he have a conflict of interests when his wife Amber (hair flipping spokeswoman) went to Teresa’s house for a party – or had Teresa in their house for a party. Teresa also pled guilty to mortgage fraud!
Jim wants Bobby to tell the guys he can’t attend because he’s worried Poison and Juicy will brawl again. Oh that’s better – letting people think you’re afraid of Poison and Juicy. Although, to be fair, Poison’s hair in a can getting all over my clothes scares me. Poison is offended because he’s such a popular and stand-up guy. Juicy farts.
Dina’s daughter doesn’t get accepted to NYU and is sad. Dina gives her a snake protection bracelet. Lexi is working in a little boutique – but it wasn’t Posche. That seems morally wrong. All RHONJ roads must lead back to Posche! Or Posche 2.
Then Melissa goes shopping (not at Posche!) with the twins where Nicole spills that Jim refused to go to guys night because Juicy was there. Melissa is disgusted; nobody insults her fambly – they’re thick as thieves! Except when they’re not (See: RHONJ S 3 – 5). To pay Amber back, Melissa recites the gossip about Nicole and the affair implying that Amber called her a <gasp> HOMEWRECKER!
That’s it! Nicole loses it and runs out of the store in storm of shrieks! She needs to go to Amber’s house immediately to confront her – she is NOT a home wrecker! Nicole is trying on an outfit that she doesn’t even bother to take off – she just screams she’ll be back, leaves her clothes in the dressing room, and rushes out in the merchandise. She should definitely return them – those pants were too tight and unflattering.
Teressssa drives, because Nicole in this new low of RHONJ insanity heightened state of insanity is in no condition to drive – but Nicole has to pay for the parking garage. Frankly, why not blast through the gate – I mean they already stole clothes?! After a quick stop for a milkshake, they tear over to Amber’s where they realize the kids are home – duh it’s like 9PM. They decide to confront her next week… when Bobby is hosting costume party to raise money for First Responders. Bobby is a first responder, which is a good thing because I think they might need medical intervention when the twins and Amber brawl next week.
Meanwhile, Melissa is standing there in Pseudo-Posche fingering the silk blouse she’s wearing and feeling very, very sad that she’s now the garbage business and doesn’t have millions left to shop with – or continue her singing career. So she turns and runs out of the store too – ‘Put it on that other girl’s tab!’ she bellows grabbing her purse.
On the other side of town, Dina invites a psychic over to help Teresa face reality. This guy was kind of uncanny. He revealed that Juicy’s father would be passing away, that Teresa would be forced to move, and although she would not be going “away” her husband would not escape the charges. “Why is this happening?!” Teresa wails. Ummm… because you broke the law. I want to know why Teresa’s silver eye shadow is happening.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – SHOULD MELISSA HAVE SPILLED AMBER’S GOSSIP TO THE TWINS? SHOULD JIM AVOID JUICY?
