So the Real Housewives Of New Jersey season 6 finale happened and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Basically for all Teresa Aprea‘s threats about how Teresa Giudice was going to pay for “destroying” her fambly, she just whined while Dina Manzo stood guard as the Zen Sentry Of Mean-a Intentions & Indecent Exposure. Put that leg away Melissa Gorga – Angelina Jolie you are not!
I don’t mean to be negative but compared to previous seasons this one was kind of weak sauce, no? I mean, Fabellini has more sparkle than last night’s finale did. And dare I say it, it’s far less tacky!
Really – what could possibly be more tacky than having your boobs, butt, and midriff hangout at a charity fashion show for children with cancer?! Oh wait – trying to start a fight at one… while your boobs threaten to pop out of your Posche clearance special gown! When you get a reputation for running out of stores without paying for the clothes, I suppose you get stuck with the Posche end of the season leftover sale! Pass the Dunkin’ Donuts – the twins and their DDs are out to play.
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There were good things like Teresa and Melissa getting along. Melissa brings the kids over to Teresa’s and they catch up over cawfee while the kids terrorize the house, spill food, and drag out Juicy’s trusty old gymnastics mat from his days of drunken acrobatics. Teresa tries to discipline but we mostly get close-up butt shots of her bending over while screeching about messes and ants. Dictatress Milania better get ready to take over come January, because Juicy is no Mr. Mom! All that purloined marble is gonna come crashing down in the Giudice mansion.
Speaking of mansions, Melissa and Poison pretend to break ground on their new home. Hope that Poison Palace 2.0 is a lot less noxious than the first one. You know the house they’re moving back into, $300,000 worth of water damage and all, after they claimed to have sold it for $3.8 mil. And here we thought a plastic sink was the fakest thing about that place!
While Teresa is dealing with her problems, Dina is planning the Project Ladybug Fashion Show with the help of the twins. They’re going to EmmmmSeee the event, because being the center of atenshun is like importint for chairteee. They arranged for the event to be hosted at their friend Abbey’s massive house. Abbey has about 40 giant Great Danes and a wig apparently borrowed from Victoria Gotti. Or perhaps they were Kim D’s old extensions, also purchased from a Posche clearance.
This person is not V.G. – but she did steal her hair!
The twins don’t want trashy people at this event, like that one person, She Who Shall Not Be Named: V.G. Dina assures Teresssa that security (the dogs?!) have a photo of Victoria and will not be letting her in. Hopefully they don’t mix up Abbey with V.G.
Teresssa is still furious with Teresa and blames her for the rumor. Teresa should have bigger things to worry about than talking crap. “You destroyed my family and now yours is being destroyed too,” Teressssa snaps. “Karma is a bitch! Clink, Clink!” as she taps her wrists together intimating handcuffs. Yes, Teresssa, Karma is a bitch! That’s why your husband HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOO-OOM <Hurricane Jim voice> while daddy was in prison. Clink, clink!
What’s also a bitch is Zina, and her Zenemy Wrath which will go all Nama-struction on your ass, bitches if you cause drama at her charity for The Kids with The Cancer. Dina warns that whomever stars trouble will lose her as a friend. Uh-oh steep consequences, y’all! Dina will strip the zen right out your life and leave you desolate in a twitter purgatory of bad polyester, rancid wine, and wrinkles. Is that what happened to Jacqueline?
Because of this Housewife Jim has decided, wisely, to stay home, but he is dispatching Amber Marchese in his stead. First, Amber has an important milestone to celebrate. She’s been growing her hair for the five years since her chemo, and now that she’s five-years-cancer-free she’s cutting it off for Locks Of Love. Awesome way to celebrate. Amber’s daughter freaks out at the sight of mommy losing her hair though.
On the day of the event, Dina warns Teresa to be prepared for Teresssa coming for her, but Teresa is unbothered. She’s got Milania here for protection. And there’s a candy buffet – Milania + sugar high = unstoppable force! Dina, of course, has thought of this and warns the dogs to circle the perimeter of the candy table.
Teresa tells Dina that if Teresssa was really concerned about hearing the truth, she would have called her over the last two weeks, but if she brings it up at Project Ladybug she’s just looking for an audience. Amen! Who is this Teresa? This calm, rational Teresa – when did Bravo play Invasion of The Body Snatchers, and do the courts know the real Teresa is on the lam flipping tables and chasing people out of country clubs screaming “Prostitution Whore!” BTW: I wonder if Teresa’s tell-all will be as juicy as that book about Danielle’s past?!
Despite Teresa’s reassuring words Dina is worried about the cause being upstaged by drama. And Teressssa is worried about her boobs pooping out on the runway – haha! not really – she’s worried about communicating with Jesus to stop the prayers for Teresa because Jesus needs to know that Teresa doesn’t care about anything but tawking about Teressssa’s perfect, saintly, fambly! Teresssa’s father says some people (hint, hint – Teresa) are unloved and therefore they deserve to be smacked. Or have their hair pulled out. Hair that was supposed to be donated to CANCER. Damn you Teressssa and Nicole, you Troublemint Twins, you!
Of course, after the fashion show, Teresssssa inevitably confronts Teresa, because she “needs some answers” while Dina and Melissa stood guard, wide-eyed. Melissa thought her Angelina slit gave her the power of Lara Croft. Melissa’s leg was the most exciting thing she did last night. Dina primly crossed her hands over her lace fit-n-flare. Teresa had smoke coming out of her nostrils, but inhaled deeply and explained that neither she nor Amber, behind her in a bedazzled pageant gown, were responsible for the rumor, nor did they tell anyone about it. In fact, Teresa only told Dina for good reason.
Teressssa doesn’t care who started the rumor, she blames Teresa for not telling her or stealing the footage from Bravo and burying it in her backyard chicken coop. Also, Victoria is a piece of trash. Oh that’s rich, Teresssa! Why isn’t AMBER taking any heat from these twins? SHE is the one that kept talking about the rumor, and JIM is the one who spewed it in Florida. Also, why aren’t they confronting “V.G.”? Do those twins have an IQ over 12?!
Teresa, calmly(!) defends Victoria as her friend and insists no one was being malicious. “Are you stupid?!” Nicole Napolitano sqwaks. I was all ready for Teresa’s head to start flaming as she turned into TreHulk, but instead she just said, “Like duh – I’m not stupid! It was RINO who told Victoria the story – and Rino is Victoria’s friend!” Teresssssa snaps that Rino is no longer friends with trash because they don’t associate with people like that. Uh huh. Realizing that Teresa isn’t gonna snap, Tersssa says she never wants to hear about this again and if Teresa does hear anything about her family she doesn’t want to know. Wait – huh – isn’t she mad because Teresa didn’t tell her? Then they hug.
Who would have thought Teresa Giudice would end up being the classy one at a RHONJ event! Also classy: Amber and Rino. I know… Amber apologizes to him and Rino graciously accepts. I presume he used the entire class allotment for the Apreas and that explains Teresssa like in general.
After that it was time for Teresa’s sentencing, which was obviously filmed after the season wrapped. Jacqueline Laurita and Kathy Wakile were desperate to be on TV and get paid got together to await the verdict while faking sympathy and concern for Teresa and Joe. Gross.
After learning Teresa was sentenced to 15 months Kathy and Jacqueline burst into tears (well, sobbing sounds). Jacqueline’s puff pasty face quivered as she wondered if she should, yet again, reach out to Teresa because she just cares sooooo deeply and soooo much! And Teresa’s sentencing is naturally, all about Jacqueline’s feelings about why Teresa won’t be her friend. Jacqueline: this is not about you. Or is it? Perhaps Jacqueline is worried about her own bankruptcy fraud case and what could happen to her or Chris!
However the best thing about last night’s episode was realizing Teresa wore orange and black to her sentencing! Premonition? Omen? Or uncanny coincidence? Orange is the new black, y’all! Gett’em Tre – can’t wait to hear all about it in your post-prison memoir.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WILL TERESSSA EVER CONFRONT VICTORIA? WILL THE TWINS AND AMBER BE BACK NEXT SEASON?
