Last night was the second installment of the Real Housewives Of New Jersey reunion. I don’t want to go into the stupidness that is stupid Teresa Giudice and her stupid financial nonsense and stupid decisions that made her go to jail. I mean damn, read what you sign, ask questions if you don’t understand – hello!
The most laughable comment from the whole reunion was Teresa trying to convince us that she’s usually a very conscientious-y type of person who “always dots her ‘I’s and crosses her ‘T’s.” First of all, she knows two letters in the alphabet? Bet they were both used a lot in the PLEA AGREEMENT Teresa didn’t read, but signed. Second of all, if you were a routine “i” dotter or a “t” crosser you’d not get indicted for bankruptcy fraud or sign fake W-2s because you’d actually make sure the people you hire, like your accountant, are doing their jobs! And finally – I’m frankly surprised Teresa was able to use that expression correctly. I would fully expect her to say something like “I’m the type-a person who crosses eyes and dots my teacup, with you know, fabulicious teas – coming soon!”
Let’s just say this, Denial is the longest river in New Jersey. The river of denial flows right out of Melissa Gorga‘s $3.8 million Montville mansion (where they had the big ol’ plumbing disaster and the leaky pipes and the plastic sink) and it roars down the hill into the chicken coops of Teresa and Joe’s purloined marble encrusted converted trailer, built at the base of Mount Tackiola. Now for sale, delusion included in purchase price!
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Andy asks Poison if he blames Juicy for sending his sister to prison. Poison sighs, a sigh that could mean many things, but definitely means that whatever words are coming out of his mouth carry less weight than that sigh, which was built up of all the pressure of years of frustrations and airing family mayhem on this show and all the lengths they stole for fame, and Poison says, “I guess not.” because none of that matters now.
Juicy blames himself, however, except whaddyagonna do. But at least he’s taking some modicum of responsibility, which is more than we can say for Teresa who blames her attorneys, her accountant, her love of expensive items and the cool feel of crisp hundreds in her hands, and RHONJ. “There are people on this show who try to hurt you,” says Teresa, her eyes forcibly looking straight ahead. Yes, people who tried to hurt Teresa and Joe… sitting sofa left and wearing white like she’s innocent.
Nicole Napolitano pipes up that she once pretended to be an attorney when she defended herself (“Pro se! See I can use words! I know how to say things!”) in her divorce. I point this out because EVEN NICOLE knows to read legal documents she is signing and to verify that her accountant is turning in the correct disclosures to the court. Why was Nicole suddenly sounding not stupid? I don’t want to go as far as to say “smart,” but I mean, at least she pretends to read things other than the Dunkin’ Donuts cawfee menu!
Andy asks Teresa if she’s changed since season 1, and she says yes she has. We’re ironically treated to the previous 5 season of her excess and shrieking; the time she laughed at the notion of going to jail. Yes, Teresa has changed because now she’s turned into a felon. Teresa wants Poison to look after her parents while she’s in the slammer and he admits Teresa has been taking care of them all these years. And Poison, he just wants to remember the time when it was as simple as Teresa throwing his toys out the window. “I’ve learned a lot,” he admits.
Melissa was decidedly taking a VERY backseat this reunion – it’s interesting how different Poison’s demeanor was towards his sister. And just that statement about their parents spoke volumes. Let’s hope it’s moving forward for the Gorgadices. And let’s move on to the other fools and their boobs populating these sofas! Dumb 1 and Dumb 2 – you’re up!
Teressssa Aprea has boobs the size of cantaloupes, but a brain the size of a pea. She wants to have empathy for Teresa. but “at the end of the day” she’s a famewhore desperate for TV attention with a lame storyline Teresa has no respect for family because she brought Victoria Gotti on this show to destroy her mother. Teresa denies bringing Victoria on the show, because duh – producers.
Teresssssa rambles on and on about how terrible it all was and yes, “clink-clink” was wrong but at least she’s honest, and Amber Marchese isn’t responsible for the rumor, but Teresa is. Andy keeps trying to wrap this up, which made me think about how Teressssa’s dress looked like a mummy costume bandaged around her giant fake knockers. She’s all tits and then a yappy little mouth like a terrier. And she’s the mean twin, she even bites and snaps at Nicole!
Andy could not get away from Teresssa fast enough – he was so desperate he asked Nicole about there relationship with Bawby. Nicole and Bawby are in “a really good place.” which I take to mean that Bawby has finally come out of the bathroom. She is expecting a ring by next year. And I’m gonna go with that happening ONLY if RHONJ cameras ask Nicole back.
Nicole rambles about how she didn’t know Bawby came from money, she thought he was a just a blue collar guy, yada, yada, yada, but Amber says that Nicole only dates successful men with money. She’s not saying Nicole’s a gold-digger, she just happens to be wearing a gold dress and she ain’t messin’ with no broke dudes. I want to know how Nicole finds rich dudes at Dunkin’ Donunts, because in my neighborhood there is a decidedly different selection of men available for hire.
Then Jim Marchese takes the stage so things get a lot less weepy and a lot more hysterical! Jim has left Jacqueline Laurita in charge of twitter in his absence and Andy jumps right in to remind Jim everyone hates him. Jim insists he’s a likable guy. Uh Huh – and I’m a Cirque du Soleil performer #WishfulThinking.
Jim also thinks he’s an attorney. Well, I mean, technically, kinda, sort of, semantically speaking with a dash of paprika in Fabellini Raspberry, he’s NOT an attorney, he’s actually just a legal expert. He finished law school but never took the bar, so now he’s a certified bonafide expert in expertise on the law. Yep – he’s an expert – in BS and hyperbole.
Jim is also an expert on ethics. Which is why he’s on RHONJ behaving unethically. Because he’s teaching us how not to behave ethically and leading by example. You can take his class on The Sketchy Ethics of The RHONJ Paradox at the Learning Annex for $19.99 plus cannoli. I imagine Jim got his definition of ethics from Kathy Wakile‘s dictionary.
BUT Jim makes lots and lots and lots of money ethically advising people on their ethical ethics of legal not lawyerism. Melissa, who has been on mute this entire reunion only pursing her lips and rolling her eyes, whispers to Teresa that she should warn Jim not to talk about his money on RHONJ. I mean look what happened to Teresa. Oh the shade! The shade of it all! Next season: Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Prisons Calling
Moving on, Jim may only play a lawyer on TV, but he knows how evidence works! He whips out a legal folder containing photos of Bawby posing with various Housewives: Teresa at a cookbook signing, Melissa at a sing-a-long, Jacqueline at a wine tasting, Dina at a zen retreat, Kathy at the cannoli factory in the basement of Richie’s Exxon station, Caroline at a Ham Game competition where he won a free bottle of BLK: Shade, Nicole at the Dunkin’ Donuts in Colts Neck, and Danielle at a sex tape performance.
Amber immediately outs that Bawby only started dating Nicole AFTER her RHONJ contract was signed. Nothing says true love like a boyfriend by Bravo. Bawby begged Teresa to show him where the bathroom was, but she was too busy polishing her shiny new penny and clutching it for good luck.
Yes, Bawby is a bonafide HW groupie and stalker. Why do I feel like Danielle Staub is Bawby’s soulmate?! Make this happen Andy!
Amber and Jim also accuse Bawby of conspiring with the twins to attack her at the First Responders party because basically Amber called Nicole out as not only a gold-digger, but a home wrecker. Nicole’s a winner! Melissa, whose only storyline this season was tattling to Nicole that Amber was talking ish, defends herself for repeating the gossip, insisting she didn’t want horrible rumors to ruin Nicole’s reputation. My BS meter is stuck on “Uh-oh… Somebody’s Lyyyyyying!” [Adrienne Maloof voice]
Andy asks Jim about how he speaks to women. Jim insists he’s a feminist, which means it’s equal opportunity attacking. I mean it’s not like he’s Poison calling his sister “scum” and “garbage” on national TV so his wife can get famous-y on a reality show.
The Gorga Switch was activated and PoisonHulk rumbled to life, eyes flashing and snarling like a robot-beast. Do. NOT. TAWK ABOUT MY FAMBLY Poison roars while Jim, calmly tells reminds Poison that the truth hurts. It goes like that with Teresa and Melissa staring straight ahead like BravoBots whose battery packs needed recharging.
Which is apt because this whole show needs a recharge.
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
TELL US – IS BAWBY A HOUSEWIFE STALKER? DOES HE NEED TO DUMP NICOLE FOR DANIELLE?
