Vanderpump Rules Recap: DISS-Loyalty And Re-LIE-Able Accounts

Is anyone confused about what is going on with Stassi Schroeder? She was always a delusional, self-righteous, self-important mess, but this season of Vanderpump Rules she is missing a link. Also, not getting it: Jax Taylor who continues to have terrible troubles with the truth! 

Since Stassi doesn’t rank as important this season she doesn’t get a fancy trip to celebrate her birthday – instead it’s a wine tasting with all of her “friends” from SUR. Stassi believes this means she’s “growing up.” because she’s celebrating her birthday without tantrums and whiny hissyfits. OK, then. 

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Stassi invited Vail because it’s important to get the new girl into your SUR clique. Stassi doesn’t work at SUR so why does she care whom Vail hangs out with?

Since Stassi has moved on from SUR and so does not care what happens there, the subject de rigueur is Scheana Marie Almost Famous‘ upcoming nuptials, she sent out invites, then sent a second round of invites to guarantee enough people would RSVP. Of course, the invites are tacky. Stassi rates them a 13 on a scale of 1-10. They are covered in glitter and look like a sugar high 6-year-old with a My Little Pony obsession decorated them using all the sparkle Michael’s sells. Since glitter is the herpes of craft products, it spreads and spreads, getting everywhere – even onto Stassi’s birthday cake which surely rates at least a 10 on the tack-o-scale! 

Speaking of tacky, Scheana invited Tom 2 to her wedding festivities but she didn’t invite Katie Maloney. Doesn’t Tom 2 get a +1 to the wedding – or is that honor going to Jax? Vail doesn’t like all the shit-talking, it makes her feel gooey and a little brittle like a fruit roll-up left in the sun. She goes home and wonders how her life went from being nominated for an Emmy to being forced to endure the over-indulged fabricated hubris of a desperate mean girl. Drugs are a terrible thing kids! 

The next day Scheana is at Lisa Vanderpump‘s house to discuss an upcoming charity luncheon being hosted at SUR for Open Sky, an organization that sells jewelry made by women in Africa to build schools and health clinics. It’s a great organization – buy something now! 

Scheana is throwing her bridal shower at Villa Blanca, the classy older sister to SUR which is why it’s confusing that Scheana is allowed to be there – doesn’t it burst into hot pink flames of glittery hell – like when She-Ra destroys Entrapta – when Scheana enters the door. And all the wine turns to Boone’s Farm? 

Lisa chastises Scheana for not inviting Katie and Stassi to the wedding festivities because they were all friends once. And just when Scheana is feeling important and special, Lisa dumps a bunch of trays in her arms to remind her she is the help – not Pandora 2.0. As if any daughter of Lisa’s would wear jorts – cameltoe jorts, no less. Scheana needs a jorts intervention. 

At the Open Sky event, Scheana sidles up to Katie to pity-invite her to the bridal shower, bachelorette party, and wedding. It was so insincere and the fact that Katie accepted makes her seriously pathetic. She accepted in a hot minute, without even considering that her BFF Stassi would cut her insides with a hot curling iron and a wine key. Scheana swans away, gloating that she is a good person and defends herself against being a “friend collector” because she’s being the bigger person. 

Meanwhile the boys go to San Diego for a weekend arranged by Jax’s girlfriend Tiffany. She set them up in a suite at the Hard Rock and all the bottle service they could drink. The technical term for this is “Entrapment” because she has laid a trap for Jax – pools, hot girls, free booze, unsupervised hotel room – all bait to see if the Little Slimy, Sleazy, Weazle That Could would cheat. And oh, yes – he did! 

While the Toms, 1 & 2, dutifully text their girlfriends and wash their faces at night, Jax gets so wasted and he banged a miscellaneous girl in the bathroom. He denies it, first because he claims he doesn’t remember anything. But later the story changes. 

Tom 1 remembers everything – he was not too drunk. Ariana Madix keeps him in check because her sidebang braid doubles as both a whip and a leash. Tom 1 heard things he can’t unhear. He saw Jax taking a grody girl into the bathroom; taking a grody girl out of the bathroom. His memory saw things he can’t unsee. Tom 1 calls Jax out, but Jax insists he did not have sexual relations with that skank. Just ewwwww. Seriously someone get a hazmat team in that hotel suite – Lysol ain’t gonna cut it! 

Peter was all, the only thing I remember is my flatiron gently caressing my hair. Tom 2 heard things too, but he won’t call Jax out, because Jax knows things about him. And the reason Tom 2 can’t make love to Katie is that Jax carries Tom 2’s balls in a special locket that is just for the two of them. 

Tom 1 apparently has no secrets he’s unwilling to sacrifice to make Jax pay. With Ariana as his mistress, he’s gained a spine. At Scheana’s bridal shower the classy story makes its rounds.

Kristen Doute was there, along with Ariana who is Scheana’s bestie and Maid of Honor. Isn’t it a bit disrespectful to have your BFF’s stalker, who is trying to destroy her relationship, at your wedding festivities?

Scheana tells everyone about Jax banging the random – even Kristen, and Jax’s ex-girlfriend Carmon, who is also present for some odd reason. In fact everyone Scheana has ever met was there, except for Stassi. And Brandi Glanville, but I think I saw LeAnn Rimes milling around near the Sangria (kidding). 

Kristen is overjoyed by this news – it was CHRISTMAS IN JULY. And do you know why? Because Tom 1 will call Jax out, so Jax will retaliate by spilling the truth that Tom 1 cheated on Ariana in Miami and she will be vindicated. Let’s just break down how f–king crazy this is (then we’ll get back to Stassi for more f–king crazy.):

Kristen is turning Jax’s “banging” around to be all about her and how Tom 1 is terrible to HER because he supposedly cheated on Ariana with some girl in Miami. Second of all, Kristen is reLYING on Jax to confirm this story, because he is known for his truthiness and a totally viable source, so naturally everyone will believe the lunatic stalking psycho who is obsessed with Tom 1 and the known pathological liar who will do anything to deflect fro his own nefarious deeds. Logic! Right, Kristen – this is a surefire winner of a plan. Definitely gonna work. Stassi couldn’t have even come up with a better way to out someone. Good for you. Med-Check in 15 on Ward 10.

While we all laugh at this insanity, Joblessi is working on a paint-by-numbers kit from Anthropologie for her apartment, now fully furnished. She’s moved on, her life has changed, she has important things happening and wishes all her friends could escape SUR too (they presumably have bills daddy doesn’t pay!). Except Stassi has not escaped SUR – it’s all she talks about, where she’s always hanging out, all she thinks about it. And since when did Rent-A-Center get such nice furniture – or is iKea now running a wannabe yuppie rent-to-own service? 

Stassi meets Scheana for drinks so Scheana can extend the wine bottle with an invite to wedding festivities. Stassi complains that it is impossible to take Scheana seriously when she looks like “a cross between a gypsy and an American Girl doll.” While this is true, Stassi looks like a cross between a Bootleg Cleopatra and a Golden Girl.

Needless to say, it doesn’t go well, but Scheana momentarily unsettles Stassi by revealing that Katie is a traitor – officially part of the Scheana Gets Married Club! In that moment Stassi realized no one is checking for her – she’s unimportant and unnecessary.

This makes Scehana a terrible person with no real friends, so Stassi will not attend the wedding. She has moved on. “I’ve moved on,” is Stassi’s answer to everything. Moved on how, exactly? Because she hasn’t: Same person, same nonsense, same shitty behavior, same SUR! Except now she doesn’t even have frienemies, a fact Scheana points out because her turban lets her predict the future. 

And over tacos Jax tries to spin a different story of what happened in San Diego. Now, suddenly, Jax remembers what happened in the bathroom – that poor girl was puking and he was helping her, because Jax is a misunderstood angel. Also that girl was grabbing his crotch and kissing on him while he was desperately trying to escape her tentacles. He reassures the Toms that Tiffany knows everything. The Toms do not believe him – and call him out over and over again. Jax is such a liar he lies about his lies and can’t get his lies straight even to himself.

Then Jax gets in his car and immediately calls Tiffany before someone else can get to her. He tells her this new story about what happened and this one includes his role as bathroom savior to pukers in need. Tiffany is not happy. She does not believe his halo act. Jax is confused – he was trying to be dishonest-honest. Then he shrugs and calls Vail to see if she wants to hang out. He makes a note on his iPhone not to tweet about it. 

TELL US – WHO IS THE MOST DELUSIONAL PERSON AT SUR: JAX, KRISTEN, OR STASSI?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]