On Vanderpump Rules one little piggy had quite the shock! Yes, it was Tom Sandoval who ran for his life all the way home, but it was Kristen Doute who ended up shocked!
Tom was loitering, casually constructed behind the bar at SUR, when a trainwreck of botched lip implants and an immobile face appeared before him! He jumped; he recoiled in horror. No, not because he saw who it was – Annemarie from Miami – but because she ordered a Cosmo (is this Sex And the City circa 2002?!) – then he bolted. From her vantage point across the restaurant, perfectly positioned so she could witness the showdown while guzzling wine, Kristen leapt from her seat and went running after him. This wasn’t supposed to happen – Tom was supposed to run TOWARDS Kristen, not away from SUR.
So now that we’ve set the scene, let’s rewind – Lord knows I did a lot of that last night to catch every wimple of drama.
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Annemarie supposedly hooked-up with Tom 1 while she was on her period, if you must know the gory details (We must all suffer through them together!). After selling her story of a wild night with the boys of SUR to a tabloid, Kristen tracked Annemarie down on the internet. They conspired for Annemarie to appear in LA, just when it so happened that Vanderpump Rules was filming, and confront Tom 1 about his extra-Ariana exploits while he was working at SUR, presumably so he’d be forced to fess-up.
Annemarie and Kristen meet face-to-face for the first time after months of stalking. Unfortunately the lovely people of Bravo forgot to get Annemarie’s stage makeup on – girl was looking ROUGHER than a shag carpet after a kegger and those eyelashes were 4-dimensional with crud. Also, despite Kristen insisting Annemarie was in her 20’s, I’m pretty sure she was in her 40s – she had so much filler and botox and lip implants. Oof. I refuse, based on this, to believe Tom 1 tapped that.
Annemarie recounts how she and Tom 1 made a genuine human connection – false eyelashes to false eyelashes – they stayed up talking all night, he held her hand, he promised her the stars – and stardom – then they f–ked for 3 blissful minutes with his blissful 4″ banana. She even removed her tampon for this! She tells Kristen that all Tom talked about was her – Kristen! Kristen! Kristen! – but Ariana Madix barely came-up. Annemarie believes Tom 1 is still in love with Kristen. An evil glint shone in Kristen’s eyes – or that may have been the reflection of the Pinot Grig she guzzled.
Seriously – how much did Koo-Koo Kritter pay this messy hoochie to come on TV and say Tom 1 was still in love with her? Girl, at least make ONE element of the story believable! First we’re expected to believe this girl is 26, then that Tom is landing all these chica with his microscopic sliding scale, and then that he’s in love with Kristen. Moving along.
Kristen decides to watch the confrontation from across the bar – fully decked out in cocktail attire, a friend in tow. Ariana was also at work and apparently no one considered how Ariana would feel. Oh. Wait. Despite what Messy In Miami said about feeling bad for Ariana that she’s being bamboozled, or how Kristen wants Tom 1 to stop lying and cheating in relationships, this whole situation is actually Ariana’s fault – according to Kristen – because she twatmatized Tom 1, and if Ariana were out of the picture (sobbing her eyes out while running down Sunset until she got hit by a Hollywood Homes tourbus) Tom 1 would be Kristen’s again. Because errrrybody wants a habitual cheater with a 4″ wang and a massive sweater collection.
Annemarie is rocking this hideous white eyelet dress from Forever XXII (which she is, in her mind), walks up to the bar, and orders a Cosmo. When Tom 1 lays eyes on her, he turns and runs out the door. He calls Ariana, who also runs out the door. Kristen grabs Annemarie and races her through the restaurant, into the back parking lot, where they start chasing Ariana down, cocktails in hand. Ariana compares it to begin in the Walking Dead, pursued by Walkers. It is worse, because “Walkers” don’t have any sort of cognitive capacity, but stalkers do! Desperate has now become scary. Time to call the authorities on the walker-stalkers and their little delusional fantasies world!
Tom 1 and Ariana hopped in an Uber and fled. Here’s a thought: maybe Tom did cheat on Ariana and Ariana knows. Maybe they’re working out their issues but don’t want it to become a reality TV storyline because they really care about each other? The point is – it is NOT Kristen’s business what Tom does in his relationship to Ariana.
If you think Kristen went home after that and hung her head in shame, welp you clearly don’t know our Kritter that well. She stuck around SUR chain-smoking her Marlboro Light 100s and chugging the wine. When Scheana Marie Almost Famous heard what went down, she charged over to the table and demanded an explanation because Kristen trying to ruin her best friend’s life is ruining Scheana’s wedding! Don’t you just love how ARIANA’S horrible situation became All. About. Scheana?! Kristen leaps to Annemarie’s defense – she’s an innocent good samaritan trying to right the wrongs of scumbags!
Scheana and Kristen scream at each other. Although Scheana is a self-absorbed prat with a vocal range of shrill to auto-tune, she made some very good points: she defended Kristen and remained her friend despite all her antics, she didn’t just cast her aside like everyone else did, but Kristen kept lying: saying she was over Tom 1 and not trying to sabotage what he has with Ariana, that she was letting the Miami girl go, but then EXPLOSION! Here is Messy from Miami sitting in front of Scheana attempting to blink through the 7 pounds of Dollar Tree lashes and offering her a used Cosmo as a peace offering. Eventually management comes over and tells Kristen to leave, so she Kristen tells the manager – HER BOSS – to “F–king go suck a d–k!” plops down and continues guzzling wine.
Once Kristen passed out they scraped her off the patio and threw her in an Uber straight to the mental hospital, appointing Annemarie her legal guardian.
Lisa Vanderpump arrives later and is apprised of the situation. She is most upset that Kristen told Diana, the manager, to “F–k off” and go suck things found in Jax Taylor‘s pants. Lisa is apparently fine with Kristen bringing her trashy shenanigans and Lifetime Movie psychosis to SUR, however. Patrons of SUR now get dinner, drinks and a show! STD testing for dessert optional.
Lisa saunters off leaving Peter of the awkward Malbec-laced penetrating stares and the filthy sheets in charge to sort out where Ariana and Tom 1 have gone and to manage any future reappearances of Miami Messy. Hey, maybe Peter can take her out on a cheap date and back to his air mattress?! I really need to get Peter on a episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy if I’m going to continue my obsession with him.
Of course Ariana and Tom 1 return. Tom 1 explains that he did meet Annemarie, who was a big-fan of Pump Rules, in Miami and there was an awkward situation between Jax and her friend – basically more to the story – but they did not hook-up. “Annemarie is who your parents warn you about when they tell you not to talk to strangers,” Tom seethes.
Of course, Annemarie immediately stomps up to the bar, where presumably she’s been loitering this whole time, to continually accuse Tom 1 of cheating with her. “We did not have sex,” he says over and over, to which she insists, emotionless, “Yes we did.”
Ariana strolls over and tells Annemarie to take her ghetto acrylic nails and get out of SUR because no one believes her trainwreckitude and she’s embarrassing, plus they’re at work! Ariana was calm, cool, and collected about it. She had Security haul that hussy out by her bad lip implant. Annemarie’s parting words were to raise the size of Tom 1‘s Tom 1 to 4.5″ – victory declared. Tom and Ariana high-five. And Ariana officially rules. Not getting caught up in psycho business or stooping to Kritter’s level is awesome!
Even if Annemarie did hook-up with Tom why would you want all of America to know you’re a one-night stand ho?! Really, I wish Annemarie was half as concerned about fixing her bad lip implant as she is about what Tom 1 is doing with his d–k! Get some new priorities grandma girlie.
Lisa involves herself in dismantling what went on and lectures Tom 1 prolifically for running out of his shift. He says he was scared – this girl, in conjunction with Kristen has been stalking he and Ariana for months and he could take no more. Lisa messily implies Tom was running scared of being caught in a cheating lie, then asks Ariana if she thinks there is some truth to Annemarie’s tale, because why would Tom run, and why would Annemarie fly all the way across the country to confront him otherwise? Truthfully, to me, it doesn’t mater – even if Tom DID cheat that is NO EXCUSE for Kristen! Ariana says that she can no longer work with Kristen. Indeed.
Kristen goes out for drinks with Jax and Carmen, because she is just the type of “weak” girl who will forgive him over and over again (according to Jax – so Carmen is the new Stassi with worse hair?!). Kristen gloats about Tom’s reaction to Annemarie and laughs that she is vindicated – and Jax is part of that by validating the rumor of Tom and Annemarie. When liars use each others lies to create truths, to cover their lies the world explodes and anarchy ensues. Meet Kritter & Jax. Jax is confused, then concerned, about the level of insane Kristen has reached. And sitting right there, next to her, holding her hair back through her crazy is James. Seriously – even more pathetic than Jax and Kristen are Carmen and James. Seek help now because this is your future!
The next day Scheana goes to the recording studio to lay down her newest song, Kristen is there with James. Kristen and Scheana “talk” over whether or not Kristen should be uninvited to Scheana’s wedding as a result of her crazy (YES! Ariana is SCHEANA’S FRIEND AND BRIDESMAID!!). Scheana worries Kristen might do something insane if she sees Tom and Ariana together at the wedding – she will – but decides to invite her anyway.
Of course we had to hear Scheana sing, but that was at least off-set slightly by the fact that we didn’t have to see Stassi at all!
TELL US – DO YOU THINK TOM HOOKED-UP WITH ANNEMARIE? DOES IT MATTER? SHOULD KRISTEN BE FIRED?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
