Well, well… what have we here! More mysterious Africans! More sexting scandals! Real Housewives Of Atlanta loves a good what-comes-around-goes-around. Before this recap I have to state that Apollo Nida behaved mighty scarily and domestic violence or relationship intimidation is extremely serious.
Claudia Jordan has hit-up Rent-A-Center and finally got some furniture, but that’s still not enough to make this girl happy! She cries to Kenya Moore and Cynthia Bailey that she feels like it’s high school all over again where she is being bullied for being biracial and everyone expects her to just laugh it off.
Clawdia is so sad and blue because Porsha Williams won’t let her sit at the popular lunch table! Man – Porsha has some power, she’s ruining an African’s marriage with her cooch and she’s ruining Claudia’s job because she won’t do happy hours.
Claudia says she’s tried her hardest to be civil and supportive of Porsha, except for that time she called her a prostitute and that time she showed up at her work party to start an argument with her. Kenya tut-tuts about how shameful it is that women can’t support each other. I mean, it is soooo hard to work all day, get up at 5:30 am, and not have a married African pay your bills!
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Well Claudia – wanna get away from high school drama? Then grow up! Clearly Claudia does not like Porsha, so why is she bothering with her? It doesn’t seem like Porsha is bothering with her! Claudia needs to take a ride on the Underground Railroad to science class and experiment with finding a clue! Porsha isn’t even a Housewife!
Later Claudia’s alarm goes off at the crack of dawn. She wakes-up in sniffles because her cat is her only human touch. All she has is her work, and her reputation, and her maturity – all of which Porsha is destroying. ZZZZZZZZ… Oh, I fell asleep because I can’t decide which one of them is the bigger non-factor. Even snaggletoes is slightly more exciting than crying over Porsha – I don’t even think Kordell managed that!
Speaking of marriages in peril – Con-pollo heads to prison tomorrow but Phaedra Parks got him the ultimate going away gift: a rumor he can use to destroy her reputation. Instead of spending time with his children before he goes “asunder”, Apollo and Payday Loan Peachter hit the bar when he regales Peter with some shocking information: Phaedra is having an affair.
Apparently Pheadra closely guards her phone – and keeps it near and dear to her heart. Apollo always assumed it was because she was worried he’d steal her bank account information, but one evening, while Phaedra was upstairs, he snuck into her purse, trying to grab her wallet, and stumbled upon her phone. And what did he find? She’s SEXTING a mysterious African named Mr. Chocolate!
Apollo he has proof – he printed out the “sexts,” which featured a totally steamy photo of Phaedra in glasses and a t-shirt asking to be spanked for a little 50 Shades of Chocolate flavoring. Their texts described how Phaedra is counting down the days until Apollo “leaves the plantation” so she and Chocolate can drink champagne with reckless abandon, lounging in bathtub Apollo installed with his own two hands while simultaneously defrauding the elderly. Apollo shows Peachter the print-outs of said sexts and admits he confronted Phaedra, who denied it, but he threatened her and almost “snapped”, which is why Peachter driving him to the bar.
First of all: Where in the hell are all these mysterious “Africans” coming from? The Housewives of Atlanta (and their significant others) do realize that Africa is a CONTINENT, right? I swear, they think it’s a 5-star hotel that loans out Bentleys and Chanel with the rooms. Second of all: We’re supposed to believe a person who is going to prison for fabricating bank accounts and forging loans can’t forge a few texts? Thirdly, another sexting scandal and another African? And ConPollo being on his moral high horse while he’s one step outside the prison cell?! And lastly, Lord I HOPE Phaedra has found herself a Mr. Chocolate, because that is so much sweeter than Mr. Good & Behind Bars!
Peachter is levitating with glee. He almost wrecked the car because he let go of the wheel to squeal and clap his hands. He left Apollo somewhere – anywhere but prison – and sped home to tell Cynthia the news. Cynthia, naturally, believes it completely, and is aghast that Phaedra’s slip is showing – showing to Mr. Chocolate, that is. Poor Cynthia – too bad she can’t find a mysterious African to spank her with a Bentley key! And really, Peter and Cynthia being so beside themselves over cheating when Peter wanted to get a “kick-it pad” last season so he could play Big Poppa on the side because of his wife’s fibroids.
All this horniness and affairs – have none of these people heard of a vibrator?! Kenya has – in fact she keeps hers right in her kitchen (why!?). It will have a starring role in her sitcom.
Roger Bobb has a REAL JOB producing REAL THINGS, so poor Kenya is stuck doing all the work on this Lies Twirl On sitcom: writing, casting, figuring out complex and brilliant storylines about vibrators destroying true love. Kenya holds auditions for “Kenya” so she can evaluate their chemistry with her boyfriend Mr. Vibrator (he’s African. And mysterious. And tickled pink about undergoing IVF with her. You say he’s fake, but she says he’s fabulous!). Cynthia arrives dressed as Peter’s Jamaican sidepiece. Did I mention all the characters in Kenya’s sitcoms are basically Kenya? I see her sitcom life is just as delusional as her reality TV life…
Now back to Clawdia and Poortaste. Claudia has a meeting with Ricky Smiley, her boss, where she mentions that Porsha is making her uncomfortable at work. What Claudia didn’t mention is that she called Porsha a prostitute, because their mutual mysterious Africans know each other and Porsha stole Claudia’s job as his number one trick pony. Claudia complains that Porsha is bringing drama to work despite how many times she’s been the bigger person. Which is why she tattle-tales to their boss.
Ricky calls Porsha into his office for a meeting, where she offers him a gummy bear and complains that Claudia is tattling. Ricky, who is apparently hosting the RHOA reunion now, wants to get to the bottom of their dislike so they can be civil. They squabble for a bit until he calls time-out, eats a gummy bear, and makes them hug it out. I have no patience for this: Claudia is the one bringing drama to work. #Obsessed The only thing Porsha is bringing is dummy bears – and titties.
Kandi Burruss and Todd have trouble in paradise. They only have sex once a week, he’d rather party with friends than be laughed at by her team and nagged by her mama while Kandi twirls her hair and talks about kool-aid. Kandi tells Carmon Todd is distant and wonders if he’s cheating. Let’s have Apollo stalk his phone!
Carmon suggests they get counseling and Kandi agrees, because the most important thing in a marriage is making your crazy-ass mama happy communication. Maybe Todd would be happier if his wife supported him and defended him, ever?
And now for the finale: which is marital dysfunction at it’s most alarming. Apollo quite literally gone asunder and there is more messiness than the wigs on NeNe Leakes‘ head!
Apollo was supposed to have surrendered, but instead he has asundered. Phaedra and the boys have been staying at a resort, but the day he reported to Club Fed, Phaedra left Club Med to change the locks and re-secure the house. Phaedra, emotionally, tells her assistant about how threatening and dangerous his behavior has become and she was expecting him to trash the house. While they are there, low and behold, look what the cops dragged in: Apollo! Yes, he shows up and demands that Phaedra fold his laundry and not touch his stuff while he’s “gone” – like he’s going on a two-week vacation.
Apollo races around, ranting in a blind-rage, while Phaedra stands in the garage stone-faced and stoic. Phaedra reveals that the night before he spent hours with his sons and told Ayden the cops might kill him in prison!
Apollo accuses Phaedra of taking everything from him – his house, namely. “Did I baby?” Phaedra answers, in monotone, repeatedly asking him to leave. Finally she calls his friend “Bun” – yes BUN (but does he have a stallion bun or a donkey bun?) to coax Apollo off the premises before she calls the police. Where is Krayonce’s SECUUUURTY or a Phaedra Sparks taser when a girl needs one!?
Apollo is on a rampage, his anger and hurt palpable, and Phaedra seemed almost frozen. It was horrifying and extremely uncomfortable to watch.
Phaedra finally convinces Apollo to leave, but then he backs the car up, and returns. Most disturbingly he grabs a drill and starts swinging it around. He tries to kiss her – threateningly – while holding the drill, then hisses, through clenched teeth, she better not call the cops as she backs away. Phaedra remains composed, but sends an SOS smoke signal to the Lord: “Fix It JESUS! FIX IT!” Phaedra tells Apollo she’ll pray for him and if he has any good sense he’ll take his ass to prison instead of being on the lam.
Apollo finally did report – the following day – but the drama with him is far from over as we find out next week!
TELL US – IS CLAUDIA STARTING DRAMA WITH PORSHA – OR IS PORSHA IMMATURE? DO YOU BELIEVE PHAEDRA IS CHEATING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
