Last night on Vanderpump Rules lies flowed as precipitously as questions of truth and all converged together at the mouth of a river named Jax Taylor. Or something like that…
While Scheana Marie is on a blissful honeymoon in Hawaii, back home at SUR (SUR is a city now) things are erupting into a civil war – a civil war that is the opposite of civil, of course.
Kristen Doute has been “blowing up” Jax’s phone with texts and phone calls insisting he tell “the truth” about Tom Sandoval and “Miami Girl.” Once, a very long time ago, when Jax was trying to look like boyfriend of the year to future pizza parlor dumpee Carmen Dickman, he disclosed to Kristen and Carmen that the tabloid stories were true: Tom 1 did play three minutes in heaven? hell? with Miami Girl. Jax has been trying to retract it ever since; putting Kristen off, telling her to leave him out of it and deal with it on her own.
But Kristen has been using this statement to zealously fuel her fervor. It has stoked her loins with future retribution, the little talisman she has carried deep in her heart, that there is a way to weasel in between the home wrecking hussy Ariana Madix and Tom’s future and re-seize him for her demented little self. You think I am exaggerating, but Kristen is like Golum with the ring in Lord Of The Rings.
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Speaking of rings, Katie Maloney is not wearing her ring on a string. She has promptly unstrung it and put it on her finger, in what I am sure she hopes will be a self-fulfilling prophecy: if she puts a ring from Tom 2 on her finger, someday that ring will magically transform into an engagement ring and a lifetime of wedded bliss. Maybe she can wear Scheana Marie‘s hand-me down crop top wedding dress!
Hmmmm… me thinks Katie is hoping if she believes something strongly enough it will become true. That magically Tom 2 will transform in to a much younger Ken Todd: mature, focused, devoted, and the perfectly supporting husband. But a KenBot he is not – he is a Ken Doll with plastitronic ambiguity of the nether-regions, foppish attractiveness, and a benign smile that does not fulfill any promises of a hipster dream house.
Speaking of hipster dream houses, Stassi Schroeder has been hiding in her crawl space repurposing an adolescent-lifetime’s worth of Claire’s Boutique bubbles into to “statement necklaces” – is this really a thing people are talking about and purchasing anywhere but a Lia Sophia at-home jewelry party? Anyway, she crawled out of the hovel, hunch-backed and dated-haired, to meet Peter Madrigal for tacos. Stassi wants all the gossip from SUR, the place she does not care about and is so above – literally above as she looks out the window of her crawlspace. Peter is remarkably relaxed when he’s not trying to attract a woman. He tells Stassi about the crazy of Kristen and how she has become possessed and dangerously obsessed with Tom 1.
Kristen invited Stassi to breakfast, but because Stassi does not care AT. ALL. about what his happening at SUR or with the underclass SURvile people, she has accepted the invitation – she is intrigued by Kristen’s proposition that she has a Jax’d problem. Poor Jax – he is a problem all 364 days of the year.
Now back to Kristen and her other man-problem James Kennedy!
Lisa Vanderpump is aware of the incident between James and Kristen at Scheana’s wedding, and although she chastises James for getting drunk and aggressive towards Kristen – as aggressive as a 4 pound Muppet-driving Beamer can possibly be – Lisa warns him that Kristen brings him down and is no good for him. Or the human race in general.
Kristen and James have lunch, where he tries to make his point heard that her obsession with Tom has driven him to drink and insecurity, but she wiggles her manipulative finger, promises him sex, and blames him for “tainting” their relationship by forcing her to punch him. Huh? She is also justified in stalking Tom and implicating James in the crime of harassment with criminal intent, which he understands is necessary for their love. Huh again? James cries salty mama’s boys tears of frustration and confusion, but he is trapped. Just where Kristen wants him.
When Scheana Marie returns from honeymoon, the first thing she does is resume gossiping about Kristen and then pulls James aside to lecture him about his parking lot shenanigans at her wedding. James whines that he loves Kristen. Scheana realizes Kristen is dating him because she can easily control a 12-year-old. Basically Kristen’s new job is cult leader for post-adolescent mommy’s boys! Does that pay well?
Before work Jax, Tom 1 & 2, Katie, and Ariana grab lunch and drinks next door. There Katie and Tom 2 testily discuss ‘ring-on-a-string-gate’. Tom 2 petulantly tells mommy Katie he wants to have a “certain number in his bank account” before proposing. Shouldn’t that start with getting a real job first? I mean as lucrative as sunglasses model can be for Gisele Bundchen, does it have long-term potential for Tom 2?
Somehow the topic comes around to Kristen punching James, and how she has reached a place where she has nothing to lose: no job, no friends, Tom 1 dumped her, so now she is drinking too much and getting in constant trouble. Last week she got in a brawl with a stripper and was kicked out of a strip club at 5 am. The stripper accidentally punched Kristen’s friend Rachel in the face while trying to hit Kristen. Tom 1’s jaw twitches in a PTSD response. A flashback overtakes his brain as he tries to hide his Pavlovian response to the mention of a drunk Kristen. Ariana clutches his hand under the table.
At SUR, Lisa confronts Jax about involving himself with Kristen, who is now not only stalking Tom 1, but Jax too. Lisa lectures Jax on handling the situation with “diplomacy” by confronting Kristen “head-on” without playing into her drama. I’m not sure Lisa’s Hook’d On Phonics lesson worked, because Jax heard “d–kplomacy,” which he practices on the regular and certainly faces “head-on” – sometimes even in the SUR bathroom!
Lisa’s other news is that she and Lance Bass are hosting a Lucky Puppy adoption event at PUMP, which she will need Peter and Jax to work at. Both Peter and Jax want a dog, but considering they cannot even wash their sheets or get up before noon, is a bad idea. At Lucky Puppy, Tom 1 has a heart-to-heart with Jax about communicating with Kristen, betraying him and Tom 2 as friends, and constantly telling people whatever they want to hear to be popular – even lies.
Tom asks Jax to not discuss him or Ariana, or their relationship, with Kristen. He dabs his eyes with a tissue, carefully, so not to disturb his mascara, and excuses himself to the powder room. He snuggles a small rescue dog for comfort, only to realize he is trembling ever so slightly – not the dog Tom 1 – he is in a state of fear of what will come next from Kristen, confident that in some way Jax will betray him, regardless of the truth.
Now back to the Kristen s–tshow! Kristen meets Stassi for lunch, and Stassi is dressed like a 45-year-old divorcee hitting up the cougar bar. Kristen must prove to everyone that she is not a liar and Tom 1 did have sex with Miami Girl but she needs Jax’s honesty to do so, which is why she needs Stassi’s help: how can she convince Jax to tell the truth?
Couple things here… Jax lies on top of lies on top of lies – Kristen is really desperate if she thinks this Miami Girl situation will be the ONE TIME Jax tells the truth and sticks to it. Relying on Jax to be the truth-teller is like relying on McDonald’s to provide high-quality organic beef from free range cattle. Ain’t gonna happen. And Kristen sure wasn’t obsessed with proving she she’s not “a f–king liar” last season when she was sleeping with Tom’s BFF!
Kristen says Tom is constantly “harping on her” and being mean, so she’s had it, which is why she’s going to get revenge. Or try to. Again. To my knowledge it seems like Tom 1 is trying to GET AWAY FROM Kristen.
Stassi sits back, sighs, and rolls her eyes – scheming with Kristen to set-up Jax is so yesteryear – so Stassi when she was fun. It comes back to her so quickly it’s almost scary, she smiles remembering the good times when she was Queen and ruled with an acid-dipped dildo. This scheme is so simple, it’s not a challenge, but it sure is fun! She suggests Kristen invite Jax out for drinks with Scheana Marie, because Jax won’t confront Tom, but if pressed he will spill to Scheana.
Then Stassi finally displays that maturity she’s been bragging about! She pulls the “maturity”from her purse and puts it on like a statement necklace to tell Kristen she should let it go, because she will come out looking worse when she’s already lost so much, and she’s liable to lose James too. “Kristen has damage on her soul and is inflicting that damage on others,” Stassi explains, “And her obsession with Tom is almost scary – it’s like all she thinks about.”
Stassi seems worried. She confesses that she may have conspired with the devil to her anonymous clone Kristina. Kristina even appears shocked at why Stassi would involve herself, but before she can confront Stassi, Stassi changes the subject and reveals Lisa tried to hire her to style the annual SUR photoshoot, but Stassi turned it down because she can’t be around “those people” – not even to purposely make them look bad. She’s such an ungrateful wench.
Heading into his dinner with Kristen, Jax knows something is amiss. He compares Kristen to a Pitbull, sinking her teeth in and refusing to release her grip. Sounds like Jax did find a rescue doggy at Lucky Puppy – a snarly, snappy, untrained pitbull named Kristen! He should adopt her brother Kingsley too.
Kristen starts by pounding glass-after-glass of wine, and before dinner is even eaten, she launches into a diatribe about how Tom is ruining her life and she’s tried of people thinking she’s the liar over Miami Girl. “So this is what I’m here for,” Scheana sighs. She thought she was there to receive an apology from Kristen for throwing punches at her wedding. Kristen turns her unfocused drunken stare to Jax and demands he “tell the truth” about what happened.
Jax considers crawling under the table but he might end up under Kristen’s skirt again, and he certainly doesn’t want that, so he shrugs and prattles off a story to shut her up, “That girl was in the room with Tom and they had sex. I’m pretty sure.” Then he tries to backpedal away from it by insisting he thinks they had sex, he’s not really sure.
Scheana tears up – even she has reached the breaking point. “WHO CARES!” she snaps at Kristen. Scheana has finally realized Kristen is crazy, unhinged, and will stop at nothing. Kristen accuses Scheana of being a bad friend for calling her a liar all summer. Which is even more pathetic, because Scheana has been a good friend to Kristen at the expense of Ariana – she has tried with her time and time again, but now Kristen is turning on her because Scheana finally got a brain and stopped validating Kristen’s insanity! Plus, Kristen is still a liar, even if Miami Girl cheating is true!
Even Shay lumbers to life to tell Kristen it doesn’t matter. “What do you want from this?” he grumbles, before asking if she was gonna eat the leftovers on her plate. Kristen insists Miami Girl had details she could know only if the sex was true, she regales Scheana with these details to try and manipulate Scheana into taking her side, but Scheana is done. She leaves the table. Kristen follows her crying over Scheana defending Ariana even though Kristen has been “so nice” to Ariana, who was f–king her boyfriend while they were together.
Kristen cries about how she’s lost all her friends because of Tom and Ariana’s lies, but Scheana pointedly tells her that THIS is why – all of this crazy – this is why she’s lost all her friends.
And finally Scheana has grown a pair. Good for her! She should pass them to Tom 2, he needs them real bad!
And next week is the season finale, where apparently a huge fight breaks-out at SUR and Tom finally loses it on both Jax and Kristen.
TELL US – IS KRISTEN TAKING THINGS TOO FAR? DOES IT MATTER IF HE CHEATED?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
Editor’s note: Jax took a lot of heat for his pitbull comment and Instagrammed this message this morning:
