Welcome Back Kardashians! Surprise, surprise the premiere episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians opens with Kim Kardashian doing a nude photo shoot. Kim and Kanye West are trying to have another baby which means they are apparently having sex every opportunity they can get. It’s kinda gross because Kim tells everyone about 8 seconds after they have sex that they just had sex. Her make-up artist commented about the glow she had on her face post-bathroom romp at the shoot and it’s just eeww. Khloe was standing in the corner (Still playing with her hair a gazillion times a day) while Kim was getting primped and air puking at the same time. Kim detailed the path of Kanye’s sperm making their way to her egg as her eyelash glue was drying.
Kourtney decides to visit Bruce Jenner at his bachelor pad in Malibu and check-up on him. Side note: It appears Bruce has had more plastic surgery because he does look a little different in the lips/cheek area. He seems lonely and misses his life with Kris. The Jenners have parted from the Kardashians and now it’s a house divided post-divorce.
Their convo is interrupted with a phone call to Bruce from a mystery lady friend. We learn from Kourt that this lady friend is/was Kris’ BFF. Bruce was making small talk with her and then the goodbyes on the phone involve the lady friend saying she’s at hotel and that she loved him. Wait, what??? Kourtney thinks this is suspicious and kind of shady that Bruce is talking/hanging with Kris’ best friend so soon after the divorce. The elephant in the room this season of the Kardashians is that with all the press Bruce has had in the past few months, it’s difficult to believe any angle about him canoodling with another woman. I’m shouting at the television when I pause my DVR that I don’t believe this storyline for a minute as the alleged leaks about Bruce’s “transformation” are not even acknowledged.
On the other side of town, Kris meets with her other BFF, Faye Resnick. Kris discusses with Faye her fears of getting back in the dating world and reminisces about the old good days when Kris and Bruce began dating. I have a feeling Kris is really sad about the whole Bruce situation now and is just trying to let him go.
Meanwhile, Kim is visiting her fertility doctor every 3 hours to have him probe her ovaries for the exact second that her egg drops so Kanye can bolt it to the doctor’s office and they can have sex on the exam table. Only to take a pregnancy test 10 minutes later after all his sperm settles into her uterus. This is just way too much information for my ears to hear.
Back at the Kardashian house, Kim is hanging with Khloe and Kourt. Kim is ragging on about her disdain for her claw nails and how difficult it is to do anything in the “real world” (you know, like typing or attacking blemishes) with them. Kim could not live farther away from any “real world” scenario, so this is hilarious to hear about the perils of having long, fake fingernails. Sigh. Kourt tells them that she was with Bruce and Kris’s lady friend called him. The conversation takes a turn in a whole other direction when Kourt informs Khloe that she was at a Korean spa recently and walked in while another patron was naked steaming her vagina. Each time I see these ladies idly spending time together I yearn for them to have an intelligent thought once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I have fun chats with my sisters and girlfriends all the time, but it’s painful to sit through their simpleminded and slow banter about nothing all day long.
Kris drops in the kitchen and previews her cookbook with the ladies. Kourt decides to tell Kris about the Bruce/BFF chat and Kris admits that she’s struggling with closing the chapter on the last 25 years of her life with Bruce.
In Malibu, Bruce is having lunch with Brody and Brandon. The boys want to celebrate Bruce’s new found single life with a party (aptly titled, “Bruce on the Loose”) and bring on the single, slutty cougars. Again, I just can’t get into this storyline while the press is all over Bruce and his “transformation”.
Later that night, Kim drops by Khloe’s house. Kim pokes fun at Khloe’s poor style choices as she peruses through her closet (damn! that is a sweet closet). Khloe decides to poke around the web and finds a picture of Bruce with the aforementioned lady friend at the Elton John concert. Khloe is all, “this is just so shady” and I want them to go back in her closet and check all the shoes. I could care less about this whole Bruce is with another woman thing. Don’t care. At. All. However, Kim is bitching about how Brody and Brandon are throwing Bruce a party to celebrate the divorce and feel like they need to counter with a party for Kris. It will be conveniently titled “Kris need a Lei” with a Hawaiian theme. This is their life people.
The next day, the ladies are hanging in the kitchen and Kim greets the crew with ovulation pee sticks that she just took and is waiting for results. This is just too much. Kim is pissed because the test is saying she’s not ovulating but her doctor is saying she is –so WTF eggs??? Where the hell are you??? I don’t know if I can handle an entire season of Kim’s pee stick antics. Finally, a glimmer of hope that I might actually laugh out loud, when I see Scott walk in to the kitchen. As I pray for some good one-liners from Scott, Khloe tells them that she and Mumbles (aka French Montana) have called it quits. Kourt is all “thank God! I can’t be around someone that dumb again”. I about dropped my laptop when she said this. Are you serious, Kourt? If that isn’t the ginormous, economy-size pot of stupidity calling the kettle black I don’t know what is.
That night, the sisters head out to dinner and are still talking about how disrespectful Bruce is being hanging with the lady friend. This prompts Kim to meet Bruce for lunch the following day to get to the bottom of this whole mess. Kim calls Bruce out on the lady friend and the Elton John concert date and reads him hard. She is basically says Kris is not the plastic, evil, money-hungry momager everyone believes her to be and she is really upset him hanging with her friends. Bruce stays strong telling Kim he can hang with whoever he wants to hang with.
Later on, Kourt and Scott head to Vegas as Scott is hosting a club gig (still? Really, Scott?) and it turns out the Jenner clan is there too so they all meet up for dinner. Brody gets hammered and tells the table that he is still pissed about not being able to go to Kimye’s wedding with his GF. He clearly states his loyalty is with Kim’s ex, Reggie Bush and this makes it a tad uncomfortable for Kourt and Scott. Dinner concludes and everyone parts amicably. However, Burt (Bruce’s other son) parts ways with Kourt and cryptically whispers in her ear to say goodbye to Khloe and Rob for him. Kourt is like, “Goodbye? What? Why?” and he walks off. She’s assuming it’s because of the divorce but also kinda leads me to believe that Bruce has already spilled the beans to his family and to the Kardashians and the Kardashians are having a harder time accepting it. This might be why the Jenners feel so separated from the Kardashians.
Upon Scott and Kourt’s return to LA from Vegas – Scott stops by the house and tells Kim that Brody is salty about the whole wedding thing and not being able to bring his GF to Italy. Kim doesn’t understand why he’s still pissed because no one else was able to bring their 5-second GFs to the wedding either.
That night is Kris’s Hawaiian party and it’s kinda sad to watch. All the girls forgot to invite anyone else but themselves (shocker). Three hula dancers show up to a table set for like 20ppl and it’s just Kris and her five daughters. This makes Kris feel worse as she can’t help think of the other 35 people that used to get together for the Jenner/Kardashian family dinners by staring at the empty seats. She makes a point to eat 4 bites of dinner and then tell everyone she has a book signing, but I have a feeling she’s going to go upstairs and cry in the shower alone.
Over in Malibu, Bruce’s beach bbq is underway with about 25 people relaxing next to a bonfire, eating food and chilling. Kendall is the only one to show up and it bums Bruce out a bit. Guests are remarking about why there are no strippers there as Bruce is now single and ready to mingle and those jokes just fall flat. Stop already!
Bruce decides to visit Kris the next day and settle this whole friend affair thing after all. Kris lays into him about how disrespectful he’s been to her family during this whole divorce. Bruce is somewhat of a dick in response but then admits his intentions were never to hurt Kris and there is nothing going on with her old BFF. It looks like they might have broken some bread in this segment. All the girls feel bad they bailed on the Bruce beach bbq, so they take him to lunch to show their support. Bruce gets a little choked up telling the girls how much they mean to him and how’s loved having them in his life. Then a montage of old footage where Bruce is hanging with the girls plays and Jesus, he’s not dead. He just moved four miles down Pacific Coast Highway.
The upcoming season looks like we’ll be watching the Kardashian family unravel. Are you in?
Recap Author: Bonnie K.
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Photo Credit: Brian Bowen Smith/E! Entertainment
