On this week’s Secrets and Wives, the ladies take their friendship, and the last shred of their dignity, to a whole new level of hell, gazing upon Cori Goldfarb’s bare lady parts while she lays spread eagle before them on an exam table – all in the name of Truth + Beauty. A little too much Truth for my taste, I confess.
The ladies gather at Cori’s spa, Truth + Beauty, to experience a day of horror with sketchy consultant “Dr.” Levine. Cori’s client base is basically zero, perhaps because people have heard of the anal relaxing cream that lines the shelves? Or the prerequisite vaginal rejuvenation consultation – with all of one’s closest friends looking on! – that the spa is now known for? The low client base is surely a mystery. Liza Sandler of the thousand botched facial plastic surgeries (seriously, go check out her younger photos on Bravo, then ask yourself: Who is this formerly human girl?) volunteers to be the example of what not to do to age gracefully. Unaware of the irony, Liza poses herself in front of the group while Dr. Levine warns the ladies on using too much filler, or else beware the dreaded trout pout!
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Speaking of fillers, Dr. Levine then takes us to a deep, dark place in which we hear all about “fullness in the other lips.” This, sadly, is not where the lecture ends. To show her true dedication to her business’s success, Cori volunteers to flash her vajayjay to the entire group in order to demonstrate what 50-year old lady parts looks like (do these women not have mirrors?), and to scar the viewers’ imaginations permanently.
Cori asks that the women not judge her vagina because “it’s worked really, really hard!” Then the good Dr. unveils the main attraction while – I kid you not – the ladies lean in to get a closer look. Cori is “in good shape,” says Dr. Sketch while Gail Greenberg thanks God for cesarean sections and I get up to do some Zen breathing because I cannot believe this scene is even happening.
On their way out of Dante’s 7th Circle, Andi Black takes Amy Miller aside to see if she’s okay. Because Amy is never okay, especially not today after she was accosted this morning in the parking lot by on-again-off-again fiancé Arthur, who shoved her engagement ring back on her finger, yelling at her in public for good measure. “I don’t know what came over him,” Amy wonders for the millionth time. Andi flatly tells her to “get rid of him” and that she loves Amy.
At Susan Doneson’s house, Amy is texting her to ask if her man-boy son, Max can come back to work for Jonathan again. Max worked for Jonathan in the past and, well, it didn’t go well because Max is immature, coddled, irresponsible and obnoxious. (Did I miss anything?) Susan asks Jonathan to give him another chance, but Jonathan immediately says no. It’s actually more like a “Hell, No.” Apparently, Amy wrote Max mommy excuse notes in the past that she wouldn’t allow him to come to work when there was snow on the ground, so she’s (of course) partly to blame for Max’s entitled laziness. Amy comes over to double-team Jonathan with Susan though and, by dubbing him a father figure and recalling his own many chances after his ex-con past, Jonathan is worn down. He agrees to employ the unemployable Max once again. “We got him!” cheers a delusional Amy.
Liza is at home with her daughter, Carly, who just came back from Greece. She updates Carly on her house hunt, which is basically going nowhere. Carly thinks her mom would be better off living in Manhattan (can you imagine this broad in NYC, proper!?), but Liza is too scared to leave Long Island. Then Liza asks Carly for dating advice, which gets awkward fast. “He’s out there,” Carly lamely says. Like, on the lawn?
Max, wearing his best sleeveless t-shirt, is back at work with Jonathan, who he tries to compliment with some lies. This, also, goes nowhere.
Cori has her lady parts covered up again – thank GAWD – so she meets Gail at lunch to catch up. Gail has PTSD over Cori flashing her goods to the group, but Cori is all about the vaginal rejuvenation and anal bleaching, apparently. What Cori is concerned about is her husband Sandy’s phone, that has too many female contacts in it for her liking. Although she hasn’t seen incriminating texts (yet), she’s concerned with the high number of divorcees’ contact info piling up on her husband’s phone. Cori says her marriage is like the stock market: highs and lows. Right now with their failing business and communication breakdown, they’re at a low. Gail encourages her to keep working at her marriage because it’s worth it.
Back at Liza’s, she gets a visit from her makeup artist, Priscilla, who’s been recruited to give Susan a makeover. Hallelujah! Although I don’t know that I would take makeover advice from any of these train wrecks, Susan’s black lip liner with white frosted lipstick is such an affront to my eyes, I’m on board with Liza’s plan. While Susan gets buffed and puffed, Liza complains (again) about having to leave her house. Susan’s makeover is done and…she still has the afterbar smokey eye and frosted lips!! Are we being punked here?
Cori and Sandy are at their place attempting to Skype with their daughter, Paige, who’s at UCLA for the summer. After they tease her about spending too much, Cori turns over her credit card bill (which was 27K last month!) to Sandy, who looks worn down with the frivolous spending going on all around him. Sandy then calls Liza, who’s number he has in his phone (much to Cori’s chagrin) to set her up on a date with some man meat he knows.
At Arthur’s dental office, Amy goes in for an actual dentist appointment with him. The metaphor for their relationship plays out in its twisted way as Arthur sticks sharp instruments in Amy’s mouth to check on her chipped tooth. She playfully tries to bite his finger when he’s done and, although we’ve heard (and seen) nothing but nasty stuff about this dude from the get-go, he seems pretty cheerful and level headed in this scene. The only red flag is how much he doesn’t care what her friends think. Amy argues that her friends’ concern is legitimate, although she and Arthur are in a “good” place right now. In tribute to this good place, Arthur has discarded the bad-karma old engagement ring, ordered a new one, and is having it sized. “That’s my real estate,” he says of Amy’s ring finger, “I’m gonna put a hotel on it.”
Susan is at home dragging Jonathan out of the house to a party at Cori’s house, but first she begs him to behave himself tonight. Jonathan, for his part, has no plans of behaving. So, let’s strap in for the ride! Over at Cori’s, she’s trying to communicate with her housekeeper via a smartphone translation app when Liza shows up ready for her next victim blind date. Susan and Jonathan arrive, then Liza’s blind date, Jimmy, strolls in to get a load of Liza. They awkwardly start chatting while Jonathan gets his tequila shots on…and his hands on Cori’s boobs. Cori shrugs it off, but Susan sees trouble ahead.
Cori, Susan, and Liza sit down to chat about their upcoming trip to Fire Island. But Susan is concerned about the fact that Gail simply doesn’t like her. Gail thinks Susan is crass and classless (yup) and Susan thinks Gail is an uptight poseur (yup). So, what’s the problem here?
Meanwhile, Liza is grilling Jimmy on his dating history and the group is vibing well. Then Jonathan starts talking about only liking “freaky porn” and how Liza “was a slut like every other girl” when he knew her growing up. So, this is the behavior that Susan feared earlier, I presume? Susan is mortified as the group goes radio silent, then Sandy and Cori mercifully start talking about nail salons to diffuse the tension. But Jonathan is not happy with talk of nails either and tells Cori to just “shut up” when she asks him what he’d like to talk about instead. Susan’s lame attempt to slow his roll is then met with “Shut the f*k up!” shouted at her by a very drunk, very nasty Jonathan. This poor excuse for a man needs a muzzle and and Uber to pick his sorry a$$ up, pronto.
Previews for next episode reveal confrontations between Gail and Susan as the women head to Fire Island, and a “friend-tervention” the entire group decides to engage in with Amy about her toxic relationship. But things don’t go as well as they’d hoped.
TELL US: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF CORI’S DECISION TO FLASH HER FRIENDS? WHO’S A WORSE PARTNER: JONATHAN OR ARTHUR?
Photo Credit: Bravo
