The Real Housewives Of Orange County are in Tahiti, which means Meghan Edmonds is dishing out lectures on how to behave all cultured and classy-ish while Tamra Judge is desperate to show off her new jugs with some topless swimming. When not in America be like the French! Thank goodness Governess Heather Dubrow was supervising this trip to keep these bitches in line. Heather is demanding a raise – she has diamond-studded Champs Doorbells to buy!
First things first, the group boards a ferry to get to their final destination: Moorea. Like any good horror movie it starts with the heroine getting the feeling that something is wrong…. Vicki Gunvalson‘s suspicions grew in proportion to Meghan’s hair soufflé, which expanded like a Chia Pet … getting pouffier and pouffier… meanwhile Vicki was feeling pukier and pukier – even her dry heaves sound like whoo hoos.
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After Vicki puked in the toilet – narrowly avoiding Heather’s Chanel luggage (which is actually made from the pelts of nubile anacondas) she feels well enough to travel to the luxurious resort. Meghan decides Moorea is kind of like Bora Bora, except it’s for girls trips, not honeymoons. Meghan is a sophisticated world traveler, dontchaknow – she can see Nevada from her backyard.
Upon arriving at the resort the girls were greeted by tribal dancers who woo hoo sans underwear and gave Tamra a sighting of Tahitian balls. Shannon Beador doesn’t know what she’s supposed to be looking at but Heather is clutching her pearls like oh dearie me – male vaginas are so distasteful. It’s about to get worse though, because then Tamra rips off her shirt and dives into the clear blue water (eerie premonition for tonight’s wild events). It’s Meghan’s turn to be scandalized as she refuses to join Tamra in topless swimming because duh – this isn’t France and she has to set an example as the HashtagCoolStepMom to not give into peer pressure. But listen: Jesus blessed Tamra with a new set of boobs and she’s gonna show em’ off! Jesus Jugs Jr. does realize there were little blurry dots covering them, right?
Heather, governess of girls gone wild, briskly walks to the pier and demands Tamra get out of the ocean this instant and cover herself!
Meanwhile Shannon busts out her party favors: a vaporizer. I KID! It was a nebulizer for her breathing issues (does that double as a snorkel?). There’s no fun in the sun until mama isn’t hacking up a lung. The theme of this trip is apparently gagging because over dinner everyone is critiquing the food and Vicki would like her steak cooked a little more. Meghan doesn’t approve – she just wishes these heathens were more elegant and sophisticated – just like her. But karma is the ultimate heathen. While Meghan is fronting like Heather 2.0 she takes a bite of scallop and dry heaves. In a headband.
While the girls are away Brooks is hanging out with David and the other husbands. Vicki is worried he’ll eat white bread while she’s gone (Shannon shares the same concern about David… ). Apparently Brooks is abandoning chemo and turning to alternative practices. Tamra is suspicious, and while she’s no cancer expert something doesn’t make sense… Shannon is all for it.
But enough of dinner, Vicki has decided it’s time to Clear Blue Easy it up. Lizzie Rovsek suspects she may be pregnant – which Vicki believes is an excuse to avoid Whooping It Up (whatever works!) so, Vicki purchased pregnancy tests and demands Lizzie take one. Back at Lizzie’s hut Vicki and Shannon stand outside the bathroom door yelling at her to pee faster – but some people don’t have leaky bladders, Vicki Gunderpants!! Then they play “How many Housewives does it take to read a pregnancy test?” Answer: 6+ producers. It turns out Lizzie is not pregnant. Vicki holds Lizzie down while Tamra pours a shot down her throat.
The next day they’re swimming with sharks. You know, the usual! Over breakfast drinks – in a bar – Meghan gets emotional discussing her stepchildren who she wishes were her real children. Tamra and Vicki are incensed that Meghan openly states she wishes she could be their real mother and complains that the Housewives doesn’t understand the love Meghan has for Jimmy’s children. While I think it’s admirable that Meghan is truly devoted to Jimmy’s children, she’s taking HashtagCoolStepMom a leeeetle too far. This hashtagCoolStepMom goes to 11 as they say.
Vicki and Tamra remind Meghan to simmer down: she’s not the real mother of those children, even if she loves them, and to think of how their actual mothers must feel hearing this and knowing Meghan compares herself to them. Especially since Meghan has been married to Jimmy all of 4 months as wife numero 3 (and has only known these children for 2-years max).
Then it’s time to actually swim with sharks. Meghan jumps into the water first, because the sharks she’s trapped on the boat with are more vicious. Of course Vicki and Shannon have dueling meltdowns and hysterical tantrums, including clinging onto the guide while in the water. Seriously – I wish one of the sharks would have eaten them so they’d shut-up, but instead the sharks wisely swam away. Heather was pissed – she was hoping to capture some sharks to make into sharkskin leather sofas for her walk-in closet.
Heather wanting Shannon to have a positive experience (yeah right!) and forces her to pet a stingray. Shannon, wearing her nebulizer, barely touches it while bleating “Hi… Hi…” in a quavering voice. I hope she doesn’t treat David’s stingray accordingly.
Back on the boat Shannon emboldened, gamely feels Tamra’s fake boobs and pronounces them “hard” and “spongey.” Shannon truly is an OC girl – she’s afraid of nature, but not silicone.
After all the swimming the ladies are ravenous so they stop at a pizza restaurant which makes no sense to Shannon. “How can they eat this much! Bread and cheese?! I don’t need this,” she complains sucking on her nebulizer. Instead she calls David and learns he let their teenaged twins go on their first-ever sleepover and the unthinkable happened: they got caught TOILET PAPERING a house!!! Shannon is beside herself with shock. The other women are like yeah, kids do that… Hey at least they got some exercise because those houses are like 8 miles apart!
Shannon praises herself for not freaking out or blaming David, pronouncing, “We’ll deal with this act of vandalism when I get home.” It’s certainly not the worst crime committed on Bravo…
Privately Shannon texts Dr. Moon to berate him for not updating the software on the crystal reprogramming chamber and letting his supervision of David slip. Isn’t the quadrant of holistic holograms working to make David think Shannon is still home?!
Later that night Vicki, Tamra and Shannon fake sick to skip the sanctioned group dinner so they can stay back in their room and whoop it up with the booze the smuggled in while Heather wasn’t looking. Vicki said “whoop it up” so many times she had me convinced it was an actual verb like “run.” After pre-whooping it in the bungalow, Vicki loads Tamra and Shannon into a golf cart and drives to the hotel bar. Is that safe? What if she fell off the pier?! Eh – silicone floats.
Meanwhile Heather escorts Meghan and Lizzie to dinner, orders the entrées and makes sure the champagne is capped at two glasses. Heather also lectures Meghan on why Tamra was so upset about Meghan’s over-zealous step-momming. Hasn’t Meghan ever seen that Julia Roberts movie? Damn girl – do some research!
Meanwhile Team Whoop It Up is doing shots and because there’s no drinking age in Moorea they are getting served! Nothing says “whooping it up” like doing shots while wearing your granny glasses. They ordered fireballs, but something got lost in translation (Shannon snuck to the bar and demanded vodka neat – and keep’em coming!).
As they get drunker Tamra reveals that Heather is actually good friends with Jimmy’s second ex-wife! She doesn’t understand how Meghan can talk about how being a stepmom is the same as a mom in front of Heather. Holy conflict of interests batman! But seriously, I need a flowchart to keep Jimmy and his ex-wives straight… Shannon and Vicki are shocked by the association. Shannon especially so because she was “thisclose” to being the ex-wife who could have had to fend off a potential HashtagCoolStepMom!
Heather calls to check-in and learns Vicki, Tamra, and Shannon have made miraculous recoveries and her now swimming! Heather steers the sober bus there immediately because the lifeguard goes off duty at 9pm and they are in the water unsupervised. Upon arrival she is shocked by what she finds: Vicki, Tamra, and Shannon are DRUNK! Very drunk. Vicki jumps into the pool with her clothes on and drags Tamra with her. “Your shoes!” wails Heather. I was more concerned about Spanx acting as a floatation device!
Shannon, not realizing Heather had returned, skips over with more “fireballs” and Vicki then yanks her into the pool. Heather warns them she will not besoil her dress saving their lives. “We’ll deal with this act of defiance back in Orange County!” she snaps turning on her Louboutins and marching back to her bungalow, toting Meghan and Lizzie along with her.
TELL US – ARE MEGHAN’S STEPMOM COMMENTS OUT OF LINE? WHO WAS MOST DESERVING OF BEING EATEN BY A SHARK?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
