Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was psychic friends vs. psychotic love! The real question is – is a psychic really qualified to diagnose the validity of your cancer? Also, Shannon Beador pees herself when she runs – time for Lisa Rinna to get the ladies of RHOC a Depends connect.
Let’s just say this was an episode full of mixed messages – starting with Shannon’s parenting. Shannon’s pre-teen twins were caught toilet papering the neighbor’s house and Shannon is using this as an example of how she and David are a unified front. Shannon has NO tolerance for childhood pranks – she whips out her crystallizing zen goggles and attempts to stare her daughters down with the evil eyedometer set on ‘gentle,’ but her kids merely laugh. Shannon’s daughter Adeline calls Shannon out for being no fun unless she’s drunk and Shanon’s face freezes in a shocked expression.
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The other twin is on crutches after the failed toilet papering episode – because a sprained ankle and dealing with Shannon isn’t punishment enough? David tries to insist they write apology letters to the neighbor, but Twin On Crutches simply turns and hobbles away. Shannon buries a crystal in the playroom so her daughters don’t turn into Teresa Giudice.
Maybe Shannon should just seek parenting advice from Meghan King Edmonds, high priestess of headbands and super stepmomming. Meghan must own stock in Claire’s Boutique and that’s how she’s financing this extensive headband collection.
Teaching us about the power of love and soul mate-ism, Dad Jeans Jim and Me-Me-MEghan have dinner. He ignores her and makes out with his cheeseburger while she whines about how, like, haaaaaaard stepmomming is. There’s like soooooo much pressure to be cool and like pretend you care and like showoff how amazing you are at undoing real mom’s 17 years of f–king up. Meghan complains that Hayley is delusional about her future (that’s a bit rich coming from Meghan!), but Jim tells Meghan to back-off and let Hayley experience natural consequences. Spitefully, Meghan, bitches, “I can’t fix all the parenting mistakes that were made in the last 17 years.” So last week Meghan slammed Jim’s second ex-wife and this week she’s slamming LeeAnn (and Jim directly). In response Jim tells Meghan he’s going back to St. Louis in a couple days for some “stuff.”
Warning Meghan: this is Jim not-so-subtly hinting that you better know your place as the much younger third wife or you’ll quickly transition to the third ex-wife. Meghan oughtta stop being so focused on schooling everyone else on their behavior and instead read Zen and The Art Of Third Wifery. Or at the very least a biography of Anne Boleyn!
Setting the RIGHT example of step-parenting is hashtag cool stepdad Eddie. Tamra Judge is excited that Ryan is moving home with his new wife, 3 stepdaughters, and new baby, but Eddie will not be rehiring Ryan at CUT Fitness. Someone has to CUT Ryan off! Ever since Eddie has taken over running the gym things are going great, but to make sure she’s flexing her 51% ownership Tamra is going to start teaching some booty workout classes. The ladies will be helping her test her new class.
However no one cares about this stuff – the real drama is Brooks Ayers! It’s Brooks’ birthday and to celebrate he quit chemo. He’s juicing for the cure and is going to stat guzzling red wine because of the powerful antioxidant “resveratrol” it contains. Resveratrol is apparently the méthode champenoise of chemo. Vicki Gunvalson supports Brooks because he has tried chemo twice and the cancer returned. Vicki made Brooks a scrapbook full of affirmations and a binder which has all his medical information, organized with tabs and color-coded. He brings it to every appointment that MommyVicki can’t attend. Vicki needs to borrow one of Heather Dubrow‘s nannies for Brooks – who no doubt is often caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Sugar is a big cancer no-no!
Tamra is about to give Brooks the gift of serious doubt for his birthday. I thought Tamra found Jesus, instead she found PsychicScott, guru of delusion. Tamra swears PsychicScott is never wrong, and invites Heather and Meghan to meet with him. It turns out Tamra has never actually met this so-called psychic – they’ve just been Skyping. Apparently the Psychic Friends Network still exists! [See Below]
Scott and Tamra meet for the first time in a fancy restaurant over glasses of champagne. He makes quick work of telling Meghan that she’ll have a biological child, thus sparing her poor innocent stepchildren of her stepmomsessing. PsychicScott says Shannon is threatened by Meghan. Meghan grins with glee.
PsychicScott tells Heather her daughter is the reincarnated version of her beloved grandmother. Then Tamra mentions Vicki and Brooks. Scott has suspicions about Brooks’ cancer, because Scott isn’t “seeing anything” therefore he’s not clear if Brooks has it. Tamra makes the ladies swear they won’t repeat this because she doesn’t want to be blamed. Heather cannot imagine anyone would fake cancer – does Heather not have access to Facebook? I hear about these scams all the time.
The very next day, however, Meghan tells all at Tamra’s booty bootcamp class. Shannon spends the whole time falling off the equipment and then announces she can’t run because 300 years ago she delivered a 9.9lb baby. This is answering many questions about David’s wandering peen. FYI: Yoga is nature’s vaginal rejuvenation, Shannon!
Because it’s Brooks’ birthday, and Vicki’s office is right next door to CUT, Brooks comes over post-class where Tamra has a cake. Vicki is so happy her friends have finally accepted her man, but no good intention goes unpunished! The women are really just using this as an opportunity to scrutinize everything Brooks does. They are SCANDALIZED that he partakes in a splash of sparkling saké, they grill him about his treatment (not his health – an important distinction) and when Brooks mentions his new doctor with the red wine therapy he says, “The doctor has the same cancer I DID have.” (“did have”, not have – an important distinction). I chalked it up to an innocent slip, but when you’re looking for buried treasure, every penny seems a pearl.
Then Ryan arrives up with his baby and everyone gets along for 3.5 seconds. They need to just start bringing babies and puppies to reunions.
Vicki and Brooks skip out to consummate his birthday and the ladies get to bitching. Meghan immediately mentions what the psychic said and Shannon is disgusted. Even Shannon is like uhhhh… guys, psychics aren’t real. I mean unless her my psychic who has been carefully vetted in the crystal chamber by Dr. Moon. Also he uses acupuncture to pry into your soul. Tamra, after saying repeatedly she didn’t want to discuss the subject, reveals she asked PsychicScott to clarify his reading and Scott confirmed Brooks doesn’t have cancer. Meghan believes Brooks is definitely lying because who quits chemo.
Normally I’m sure no one would believe the word of a psychic, but it’s Brooks, who is about to be the subject of a Lifetime Movie entitled The Greeting Card Grifter, the story of one lothario who affirmed his way into rich women’s love tanks. I’m sure while Brooks is claiming he’s in Mississippi getting treatment he’s actually in Bavaria getting it on with a Hallmark Heiress. I mean maybe, possibly, it could happen. (I really need to start writing these movie scripts.)
Since everyone is already wondering what’s up with Brooks’ ever-elusive cancerstuff – does he have The Cancer the way Meghan has The Stepkids? – the psychic added fuel to their doubt. Shannon is especially concerned because she has some wonder doctor and Brooks isn’t running over there, arms full of juice, for an appointment. Apparently not wanting to trust Shannon’s opinion on health and wellness issues means your illness is suspect. Crystals and dandelion dust are Shannon’s Tylenol, but Brooks’ new plan is to binge drink his cancer to death, so what do I know?
Look – I know people who have beat cancer without chemo – Shannon is correct to point out that not all bodies (or diagnosis) are identical, and chemo isn’t a catchall for cancer as Meghan so erroneously believes. Meghan thinks she’s an expert on everything: oncology, parenting, marriage, friendship… but she can’t keep a damn headband on straight!
That night Vicki and Brooks meet Shanon and David for a birthday dinner. Shannon is again scandalized because Brooks drinks a cocktail. Meanwhile Shannon is mainlining vodka because she’s only alive fun when she’s drunk (vodka is basically what fuels Shannon’s love tank!). Unfortunately Shannon is so distraught by Meghan’s gossiping that Brooks is faking cancer, she forces Vicki to the powder room for something important. Vicki goes, believing Shannon could have peed her pants.
Instead Shannon starts hyperventilating about how she doesn’t want to ruin dinner, buuuuut she heard something about Brooks from Meghan. Vicki doesn’t want to know, she’s tired of being told, and yells at Shannon for even mentioning it – especially since it came from Me-Me-Meghan!
Back at the table a sobbing Shannon profusely apologizes because she loves Vicki and Brooks, but Vicki is furious. She screams about how BROOKS has been through so much because of dating her and she refuses to hear gossip. Vicki forces Brooks to leave, and even he is like – ‘We’re getting a free meal here, so don’t shoot the messenger. Just have another cocktail and chill out.’ No one understands how much Vicki loves Brooks. NO ONE! Vicki and Meghan need a support group for grown women dickmatized by assholes. We can call it AFFIRM.
Personally, I think Shannon did the right thing in telling Vicki (or at least trying to), however – wrong time, wrong place. I would want to know if my friends were spreading a rumor my boyfriend was faking cancer. Would you?
TELL US – IS THE PSYCHIC BELIEVABLE? DID SHANNON DO THE RIGHT THING IN TRYING TO TELL VICKI?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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