Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County there were arguments galore about, of all things, Brooks Ayers. Of course. Meghan Edmonds and Vicki Gunvalson both were out of line and Jimmy Edmonds demonstrated that he does not want to be a Real Housewife, nor does he appear to want to be married to one! Good luck with wife number 4 as some people say.
Meghan has decided she is the foremost authority on all cancers and all cancer treatments in all the worlds. Being that she is part of the oncology department at Johns Hopkins. Oh wait, no. She’s not. She just knows how to Google. Kind of. I mean in between doing Hayley’s homework. When Vicki doesn’t want to take her advice and sees through her fake tears about how she caaaaares so deeply, Meghan calls Vicki a “bitter old woman.” Well, Meghan, keep acting how you’re acting and this is your future!
The bottom line is this: Meghan’s concern is insincere. She clearly believed the psychic (or someone else put the idea into her head that Brooks‘ cancer diagnosis is questionable) and her true intent is to catch Vicki in a so-called lie. Vicki sees through her – it’s more transparent than Tamra Judge‘s lace catsuit (and just as classless and desperate). The bottom line is no one’s health is the same, and neither is their health treatment.
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Vicki tells Meghan to stay out of Brooks‘ life and quit commenting on his treatment, because absolutely no one believes she is concerned. Then Heather Dubrow and Tamra start quizzing Vicki on his treatment. Playing Myth Busters: Brooks’ Cancer – not cool. Even less cool because Tamra and Heather are supposed to be Vicki’s friends. Lizzie Rovsek points out how out of line Meghan is and how ridiculous this questioning is. I love Lizzie – I am both sad and happy she realized she needed to get away from this cancerous tumor of a show.
What say we: does Meghan need a ‘hashtag hat’ that says #TrustMeImADoctor?
Vicki leaves the table and the ladies chase after her. In the half-built scaffolding of what will someday be the grand palladium, she bursts into tears and starts to meltdown. Vicki’s “GOOD FRIENDS” fake console her, then Heather and Tamra privately question just why she is overreacting so much to questions about Brook’s cancer and think it’s suspect.
I think Vicki just lost her mom. Maybe Vicki is 50 and her mom was 83, as her son Michael later pointed out, but that doesn’t make the sudden loss less palpable. She’s an emotional wreck in general but dealing with the sudden loss of a parent she considered her rock, plus what is quite obviously a strained relationship with Brooks, who is also battling serious health issues. A strained relationship with Brooks that has lead to strain with her daughter. In addition to working non-stop, and having so-called friends who don’t support her and are two-faced, is probably making her extra insane. Add to all of this, she’s supposed to take seriously a line of questioning from MEGHAN, of all people, who plays a doctor on reality TV after an a session with a psychic. Psychic friends or psycho friends? I didn’t hear TAMRA tell Vicki she is the one who asked the psychic about Brooks’ cancer, nor did I hear Tamra mention that she and the ladies judiciously questioned Brooks’ diagnosis at CUT Fitness, moments after celebrating his birthday. Some friend Tamra is. Jesus don’t like liars – so I hear after the Josh Duggar controversy.
Meghan starts crying into her salad. Big girls don’t cry into their lunch ME-ME-ME-Meghan! Heather crouches down next to her and without mussing a hair or raising a voice points out that she not only ruined lunch, she was out of line, and now everyone is so stressed they’ve resorted to eating Oreos. Who infiltrated the Dubrow lair with poisonous toxins. Oh, wait – Meghan. HA! I thought carbs were more reviled than crabs in Heather’s mansion?
Meghan petulantly whines that Vicki is a bitch and like so mean, but Lizzie, who is trapped at the table with her, points out that Meghan majorly over-stepped the boundaries. When Lizzie explains how upset Vicki is, Meghan dismisses her with a flip of her hand. “You don’t care that she’s upset – that’s the problem!” states an aghast Lizzie. “Because she’s not listening to me,” sulks ME-ME-ME-Meghan. What went wrong with Megan that she is perennially stuck in adolescence?!
That was quite the housewarming Heather got. Memories, murky champs-colored memories…
Vicki has dinner with Michael, who has turned into quite the handsome young man, yet still calls his mother out. Vicki reveals that Brooks is pushing her for a commitment to not see other people (more like a commitment not to play sugar mama to any other people) and Vicki looks uncertain.
After all of this Tamra gleefully announces she’s having a sex-themed party to celebrate the launch of sex-tape/CUT Fitness ad. Oh joy. (The ad was really clever and fun, though).
Shannon visits Dr. Moon and learns judgey eyes are a sign she can’t let go of things. She goes home and sulks in her sweatpants, waiting to tell David she’s allowed to never, ever, ever forgive him for ruining her birthday and making her the laughing stock of the OC with his affair. That is Shannon’s prerogative [insert Bobby Brown’s My Prerogative lyrics here]. Five minutes later Shannon has stuffed herself into a sex costume and thrown on a purple wig. She says she’s a “rocker” – the only thing rocking about Shannon is her crystal collection.
At Tamra’s party she’s got dildos, lace see-thru catsuits, and the announcement that she’s being baptized by her “pasture.” I do hope Bible For Dummies includes a section on the correct pronunciation on the word “PASTOR” – or maybe Tamra really means she’s being put out to pasture and this is some new-fangled church? Can Josh Duggar join?
Is Tamra (aka Jesus Jugs Jr), who is lying to her husband about money and lying to a friend about secretly accusing her boyfriend of faking cancer, really ready to be baptized? Maybe pastures have different concerns than pastors – what do I know about the religious doctrines of orange county housewives?
Tamra made everyone promise they wouldn’t bring up He Who Shall Not Be Named nor his Mysterious Ailment. Vicki arrived in a white lace dress which Meghan decided made her the devil who was trying to disguise herself as an angel seeking attention. Or whatever she read in Twilight. Then ultra grownup Meghan flipped off the cameras. Heather wasn’t wearing a dominatrix costume… although she’s into some seriously freaky shit! Looks can be deceiving, y’all.
The whole evening then descended into a bloody mess – literally. Heather started bleeding through her skirt, and no was not Housewife-inflicted – earlier she put leeches on her skin for a new anti-aging treatment, and was gushing blood. LEECHES! I would say that’s a first, but then I remember Brooks has been leeching off Vicki for like 3 seasons now. But, EW times a million! That is grosser than Tamra’s first sex tape (bathtub porn) and second sex tape (fake CUT Fitness advertisement) combined. That is grosser than the thought of seeing Brooks seducing Vicki by reading her Hallmark cards in a Speedo and feeding her wine. That is grosser than peeing on a bed or pooping your pants. That is grosser than Slave Smiley’s existence. That is just. Gross. That is so gross and so messy and so un-Heather. Vicki rightly blames Terry.
While Heather is gushing blood, Meghan’s nipples keep popping out of her bustier. Heather announces she’s going to borrow some other garment and give Meghan part of her shirt – the part that was a spiky bra.
Just when you think the evening isn’t going to get anymore depraved, Vicki calls Meghan evil, crazy, and psycho and demands an apology from her. Why did she bother? Why, if she doesn’t care abut Meghan, would she say such horrible things? It’s called sinking to Meghan’s level Vicki (but let’s be honest: Vicki was already there). Let it go, as Frozen advises. #RHOCMaturityLevel
Meghan calls Jimmy over to defend her against Vicki, whom she is not afraid of at all. Vicki SHOULD NOT have started ish with Meghan. Although I do think her criticisms have a vein of truth. We are talking about a woman-ish who is using her stepdaughter’s failures as a storyline and announcing Hayley is not smart enough for college, failing out of school, lazy, and on birth control. Not only is Meghan hijacking THAT tragedy, she’s using Hayley’s mother’s terminal cancer as an excuse to catch Vicki in a supposed lie. But it’s cause Meghan seeks the truth! SO, yes, Meghan is gross.
Also gross, Tamra looking utterly gleeful over this argument. #WWJD Heather also appreciates that Meghan stands up for herself and her convictions. (subtext: Heather and Tamra are relieved Meghan is willing to do their dirty work). Only Shannon has Vicki’s back.
Jimmy and Vicki argue rather sanely the misbehaviors of Meghan King Edmonds – who is standing right there. Jim handled Vicki quite well, which leads me to believe his calling was not being unhappily married to a Housewife, but being one himself. Did anyone notice that Vicki kept insulting Meghan and Jim never told her to knock it off? Instead he admitted Meghan shouldn’t have been involved and was overstepping her boundaries. Instead he defended Brooks! And he also decided everyone could put this whole ‘Does Brooks Have Cancer?’ inference to rest by storming into his oncologist’s office and demanding his medical records, which is what Jim would do if LeAnn’s cancer was questioned. Cause HIPAA. #TrustJimHesADoctor.
According to Heather Jim will never back down, because he’s Jimmy Edmonds who smashed into a wall catching a baseball. That’s it – I’m storming into his doctors office, demanding his medical records! I quite believe he has Traumatic Brain Injury and that explains how he ended up with Meghan.
Eventually Jim walks away and Vicki calls out, across the party, that she feels sorry for Jim because he’s married to Meghan, whom Vicki predicts will be ex number 3. Truer – and more horribly rude words – were never spoken. But as Shannon pointed out, Meghan (actually TAMRA WHO ONCE AGAIN HAS MANAGED TO EVADE BLAME BY SOME MAGIC TOUCH) put out there the question of whether or not Brooks was faking cancer.
After his argument Jim berates Meghan for putting him in that position. Never send a man to do a Housewives job, ME-ME-ME-Meghan! Meghan starts to panic and announces they’re leaving. When she sees Jim talking to Vicki again, she goes into overdrive trying to get him away. Something is SO ODD AND WRONG WITH THIS MARRIAGE!!! It is creepier than leeches!
In the limo, Jim tells Meghan it’s none of her business what Vicki does and he refers to Brooks as a nice guy. Meghan complains that no one understand her quest for justice (HA!) and Vicki is a con artist. Jim rolls his eyes.
At the party, Vicki reveals to a jubilant Tamra, who is so ready to accept Jesus’ teachings, that Jim confessed to Brooks how unhappy his marriage is. I wouldn’t believe a word out of Brooks’ mouth… except when he says Meghan and Jim have marital issues.
TELL US – DO VICKI AND MEGHAN NEED TO LET IT GO? WHO IS A WORSE FRIEND: HEATHER OR TAMRA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
