On last night’s episode of “I’m Not A Doctor, But I Play One On TV,” Meghan King Edmonds continued to probe deep into Brooks Ayers. Summing up Real Housewives Of Orange County: Brooks may be lying about cancer, which makes it OK for Meghan to lie by impersonating a cancer patient and calling his doctors. Basically, the type of doctors these two need ain’t treating cancer, but psychosis!
Just to put this out there, since I’m NOT a doctor (nor do I pretend to be), I’ll reserve judgement on diagnosing Brooks. I’ll stick to what I am qualified to do: diagnosing the ladies of Real Housewives Of Orange County as crazy!
Brooks and Vicki Gunvalson finally visit a doctor. If you were expecting an oncologist – think again! Instead, accompanied by the bootleg copy of Yolanda “Lemons Cure” Foster earthing woman, they met with an eastern-meets-western physician to “rebuild” Brooks’s immune system.
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Brooks brandishes medical records – a sheet or two of printer paper filled with some typity-type. I think it said non-hodgkins lymphoma – it could have just as easily said non-hoppity lipton tea. Whatever Brooks got, it ain’t to be deciphered by the likes of me using the DVR pause button while standing close to the TV.
Then the doctor takes some of Brooks’s blood, swishes it around a bit with some red wine, and puts it back in. Essentially Brooks’ cancer treatment is the same as Heather Dubrow‘s leeches. These people do realize it’s 2015, not 1515? Except for Meghan, she thinks it’s the future where you can get your medical degree on Google. 30-year-olds…
The doctor announces Brooks has enlarged masses. Perhaps it’s bile from all the phony affirmations he’s swallowing? Or white bread build-up? Or perhaps cancer-related. Unlike Meghan, I know nothing about NHL.
While Vicki and Brooks are hoping they’ve convinced the masses that Brooks’ masses are legit, Shannon Beador has dinner with David. Because she’s Shannon she can’t enjoy anything – she criticizes the menu, complains about it being fattening, and lectures David about the quality of yeast-particles to saturated fat in empanadas. She’s probably also pissed that Vicki and Brooks aren’t going to Dr. Moon for all their holistic cancer treatment needs!
After complaining about the food, Shannon complains about Vicki calling her “awful” after their nervous breakdown lunch. Shannon is offended to the deep recesses of her soul, only treatable by a crystal demagnetizing orb and acupuncture. How come Shannon is allowed to promote “dangerous treatments” for her psych dramas and Meghan is fine with it?
It seems Shannon decided to let go of her resentment towards David over THE AFFAIR, and transfer it onto Vicki over THE CANCER. Let’s just hope Shannon shushes-up, eats her empanadas, and thanks Tamra Judge‘s Jesus-GPS for directing David to a restaurant that isn’t a sports bar and hasn’t experienced mistress-toxification.
Oh yes, Jesus. It wouldn’t be RHOC without talk of the Lord, now would it?! Tamra meets with “Pasture Mike” to discuss her baptism. Which, from what I can see, includes full makeup and hair, complete with designer dresses, but very little focus on actual scriptures. Tamra declares Jesus is a GPS that always steers you towards the good. Because Jesus has changed her for the better, she frets that Ryan The Wayward needs saving too.
Tamra seems to think Jesus is a cure-all; like if you go to church a few times and read Bible For Blondes, (which sounds like a punk rock Barbie band), a giant eraser descends from the heavens to purge all the bad stuff from your past and nothing bad that you do in the future gets written in permanent marker. WRONG.
Tamra believes Ryan keeps calling off his wedding to Sarah because she set a bad example of marriage. That may be true, but Ryan is a grown man and Tamra isn’t responsible for fixing him. She doesn’t need Pasture Mike or Jesus to tell her that – Eddie already has! But, seriously, Tamra should just pawn Ryan off on Meghan – she clearly needs a hobby and relishes in micromanaging people.
It’s moving day for Ryan, Sarah, and their 4 kids. And also Felicia, who according to Tamra’s shirt is always going somewhere. Hopefully not on Eddie’s dime. Ryan seems enamored with his daughter Ava, which is very sweet – he seems less enamored about every other aspect of his life. Particularly his finances. Bank Of Step-Daddy is experiencing discretionary spending cuts where Ryan is concerned.
Tamra muses that Ryan has taken on too much, too fast without certainties. His life was going great in Auburn, until he knocked up Sarah and Kroy Biermann’d her other 3 kids. (Where is/are their dad(s) – no judgement, just wondering?).
Sarah lost her business. Now they’re in the OC where Ryan is struggling to find a job. Luckily Sarah loves Jesus so Tamra is hopeful Ryan will start worshiping at the temple of Jesus Jugs too. “Is there a membership fee to join,” he asks caustically. Maybe Ryan would prefer to follow Jesus on instagram?
After Tamra helps Ryan reorient his Jesus-GPS, she heads over to Vicki’s where she’s all fake nice, to have a sit-down with Brooks and peruse his medical records. Again he breaks out the typity-typed sheets – did he purchase them on google? Tamra needs to borrow Vicki’s glasses to read through the descriptions of Brooks’s masses. Maybe that is how this is working – Brooks has given Vicki trick glasses which cloud her vision?!
Tamra admits she has no idea what she’s reading, especially that long word, “BrooksAyersHasCancerBecauseHeSaidSoAndTarmaYoureDelusionalIfYouThinkWeBelieveYourSuddenConversionToGoodFriend.” Perhaps Tamra needs to put down Bible For Dummies, and purchase a copy of Reading Medical Records For Dummies (she can borrow Meghan’s), or more importantly, How To Be A Friend For Dummies.
Vicki beseeches Tamra to spread the word to the other ladies that she has seen the truth – Brooks has cancer! They’ll take their apologies in prayer form. Tamra wonders why Brooks doesn’t show ALL the women? Instead, Vicki instructs Tamra to be her “warrior friend” in defense of the other women, just as Vicki has always been a warrior friend for Tamra. Does that come with a cape? Will Vicki and Tamra be wearing their Warrior Friend suits at the reunion?
While everyone is stressing about THE CANCER, Heather and Terry are preparing for their debut on Envine Live to sell their skincare. Heather is a natural at infomercial sales, Terry… although very good at playing a doc on TV, not so much! Can we talk about the awesomeness of Heather’s leather jacket collection – it’s rapidly becoming my favorite part of RHOC. I wish Meghan would stalk Heather’s closet instead of Brooks‘ white blood cell count.
Speaking of Meghan, she’s speaking again. About all the lessons she’s learned in her years devoted to step-mom heroics. It’s hard to take Meghan seriously about anything – especially when she’s trying to sound smart and insightful, especially when she’s wearing a headband.
Meghan learned that micromanaging Hayley has the opposite of intended results because Hayley doesn’t want to be around her – no duh!. She had to recognize that Hayley is the product of “a mother and father outside of myself.” Now that Meghan no longer has Hayley to obsess over, she’s switched her attentions to Brooks.
It seems Vicki sent a group text to the women letting the know Brooks had a PET-CT scan at Newport Imaging and it confirmed cancer stuff. I’m not sure if Meghan got the text, but Tamra and Shannon did.
Meghan hosts a viewing party for Heather’s Envine debut, but obviously didn’t invite Vicki because then she wouldn’t be able to talk about her and spill the latest dirt she discovered in her stalking of Brooks. Meghan says she just wanted this evening to be about Heather, not Vicki and Brooks. Which is why the only thing discussed is Vicki and Brooks.
But, I want to discuss what Meghan is wearing – first of all – what is on her head? A tiny knot made of fried hair? Or a headband? And a shirt, that is like a business on top/party on the bottom figure skating costume.
Heather and Terry appear on TV, on TV. Heather looks great in a red dress. Terry reveals the products have reservatrol in them – which low and behold is what Brooks is using to treat cancer! Lizzie Rovsek wonders if Consult Beaute cures cancer? Tamra prank calls Envine as “Cinnamon” – Heather was visibly annoyed, yet expertly disentangled herself to get back to her real customers.
After the premiere, Heather and Terry are jubilant. Terry gushes that he couldn’t have done any of it without Heather who fills his love tank for life. Heather is ecstatic – all she’s ever wanted from Terry are affirmations. Look where that got Vicki…
Lizzie, fearing things will take a turn for the worse, takes a cue from Heather and expertly disentangles herself from the gossipy cess pool of Jesus-loving friends positioned like vipers, laying in wait, amid Meghan’s rent-a-couches.
Shannon innocently mentions that she has chest infections and gets CAT scans. Is Meghan calling Shannon’s doctors to verify this? Then Tamra innocently mentions that she saw Brooks‘ medical records which mentioned the scans. Then Meghan innocently mentions that she called Newport Imaging, not once, but twice and was told they haven’t done PET-CT scans for NHL since 2008. The women gasp. “I feel like I’m being played,” warbles Tamra, really milking this “good friend” act. Return to Mme Dubrow for more acting lessons, toots!
The women gape over Vicki and Brooks showed the records to Tamra – who out of everyone has the least knowledge of medical records. Shannon has had scans, but Meghan is the true expert. “Why not show them to me?” wonders Meghan. “I have a medical background and have seen medical records.”
EXCUSE ME – eons ago Meghan was a pharmaceutical sales rep. Guess who else is – Jason Hoppy! Does that qualify Jason Hoppy to diagnose and decipher your health? Pharm reps have SOME medical training, in how to demonstrate products.
Doc McMeghan, of the Fisher-Price AcadeMini, is not a doctor. The ONLY doctor on RHOC is Terry. Shannon is aghast because Vicki chose Tamra to be her friendship warrior. Shannon: please return your Friendship Warrior Cape to the Bravo Props Department!
Tamra pretends to be upset as it “dawns” on her that Vicki and Brooks chose her because she’s the stupidest least experienced in the medical field. “Was I duped?” she questions with big eyes.
Meghan again starts up with the fake indignity about how LeeAnn’s cancer is her cancer, and therefore Brooks’s “lie” is a slap in her face. Because Meghan is suffering vicariously with ALLLLL the cancers. Every cancer. Me-Me-Meghan owns The Cancer and trademarked that shit with the US Patent Office. From Google.
“I want the truth and I want justice,” Meghan demands to Tamra and Shannon. Tamra decides it’s up to Jesus to be the judge.
I am quite conflicted. I cannot stand Meghan’s creepy one-woman Law & Order routine. It’s beyond weird that she is stalking Brooks and misrepresenting herself as a cancer expert. On the other hand, something is a’shady about Brooks and the medical records, and it seems like he is trying to dupe us! Something in the blood is murky – I blame leeches.
I also cannot wait until Tamra turns on Meghan next season and unearths allllllll her dirt. Cause something in THAT buttermilk ain’t clean either. Isn’t it the Bible that says, “You reap what you sow?” Galatians 6:7 (correct me if I’m wrong).
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK: WERE BROOKS’ RECORDS LEGIT? IS MEGHAN A FEW FRIES SHORT OF A HAPPY MEAL?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
