What a weird Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion; filled with a whole lot of nothing with a few juicy bits stuffed in between, hanging out here and there, kind of like the weird smooches of flesh hanging over the cut-outs of Tamra Judge‘s very complicated dress. Seriously – Forever XXII is for 21 year olds!
Overall this has been a very weird season of Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s almost Old Testament in its Biblical ruthlessness of judgement and excoriating righting of wrongs. It’s an eye-for-an-eye, or in this case a Jesus Barbie for a Jesus Jugs.
Let’s just break down the important doo-dads before we get to Briana Culberson. Who Brooks is also threatening to sue!
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Vicki Gunvalson doesn’t know what a “circle jerk” is. However, she does know about wearing a lace see-thru catsuit while jerking off a strap-on in the name of Jesus courtesy of Tamra’s demonstration during her sex tape party. During said incident, Vicki turned to Heather Dubrow and made a very crude, mean-spirited joke about how Tamra should stop such shenanigans before she loses custody of her other kids. “She pretty much lost custody of one, she doesn’t want to lose two more,” guffawed Vicki tactlessly. Heather chastised, “Don’t say that. She’s a wonderful mother.”
Of course Tamra SHOULD stop (she won’t), no doubt about that, BUT Vicki should NOT have made that comment – especially since Tamra is supposedly her friend! So much as either of these two could possibly be a friend – which is about as likely as these two circle jerking (without Tamra’s strap-on).
Oddly, Heather spilled this tidbit at the reunion, according to her, because Tamra finally mentioned her custody dispute. But mainly because the reunion theme is to be jerks to Vicki. Like a coven of witches they’re all gathering around, flaunting their phony, faux-supportive friendships in order to collectively take on Vicki. It was as transparent as Tamra’s Jesus-journey. And I’m pretty sure Tamra bought her definition of Christianity from the same place Kim Davis did. Bible For Dummies, indeed (And if you don’t like it you can suck it – or circle jerk it!).
Anyway, Heather was sooooo scandalized by Vicki’s comments concerning Tamra’s parenting, that Heather continued hanging out with Vicki through the entire party as if nothing happened? Errr… oops, backtracking! Actually, Heather was demonstrating her loyalty by refusing to mention Vicki’s comment to protect Tamra’s children. “I would never, EVER talk about this. I was so horrified because I couldn’t believe you, being her friend for this many years, would bring that up,” lectures Heather, as if she has never said anything cruel, callous, or regrettable in her life. (See: Bellino, Alexis and Beador, Shannon)
Heather also yammered abut her house – how it’s taking a zillion years and a zillion dollars to complete. Also she’s pretty sure they found Brooks’ Ayers cancer in one of the 14 bathrooms. Also her tree etching was more than just a symbolic representation of her family, it’s the symbolic representation of the family she COULD have obtained had she used her frozen embryos stashed. Andy asks if he could buy them off her. Maybe she could use the money for another bathroom? Or to exterminate the lingering mustiness of Brooks, because I’m pretty sure he’s been crashing in the half-completed shell of the world’s largest domestic bathroom collection.
Heather concedes having your marriage on reality TV is invasive and difficult. Prompting Vicki to discuss Donn. She compares him to a “quiet lamb” and explains, he’s “the best person to divorce” because he couldn’t care less about fame, preferring golf instead. Which is why he divorced WOO HOO and her never-ending quest for reality TV dominance and insurance megalomania.
Speaking of love and marriage, Jimmy Dad Jeans appears to prove his love for Meghan King Edmonds by barely acknowledging her and keeping approximately 10 feet between them at all times. Their marriage is the equivalent of my Jr. High dances – in so, SO many ways (right down to the overly-hairsprayed hair and the trying to look grown-up dress). The entire time Jim was talking I kept hearing “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” playing through my head. Sarcasm, obviously.
Jim wasn’t prepared for Real Housewives Of Orange County – all the bickering messed with his head, man! He thought these ladies would act like guys in a locker room. Does Jim know what show Meghan is on? Does Jim know who he’s married to?
Jim blames his travel back and forth for making him grouchy, but he does love Meghan. Also, now he gets recognized as Mr. Meghan. Meghan admitted to signing a prenup, but she did it allllllllll for her step-children because savior stepmom just loves them SO much she would never take Jim’s money! Meghan is a saint. Saint Meghan of Stepchildren, Google, Truth, Justice, and bad Barbie-looking plastic wigs (Someone on twitter called it Lego Lady hair).
Meghan insists she takes Jim to task when he treats her badly – evidence of which we haven’t seen. Who’s gonna investigate?!
Seriously – these two are SO weird and petulant. Meghan and Jim are the most awkward, inauthentic couple, also they both talk like robot children. Can someone please get on the case and investigate this marriage? Preferably next season!
While Meghan stabs Jim with her judgey-eyes, Jim mumbles through denying that the told Brooks his marriage to Meghan was challenging. I don’t believe a whole lotta what Brooks says, but this has a suspicious ring of truth…
Then Vicki clears her throat and confesses to “misquoting” Brooks – Brooks never said “2 months” it was all the months it was more like 2 weeks. Meghan immediately leaps at Vicki – almost flying off the sofa in a Wizard Of Oz flying monkey rage. “So you lied,” she demanded. Vicki described it as an accident, which Meghan doesn’t get. Well, Meghan, harbinger of truth, an accidental lie, makes it incidental by definition. Also, Vicki apologized, so monkeys did fly!
Also it’s a pretty odd thing for Meghan to be so defensive over – especially since she claims to put zero stock in anything Vicki or Brooks say. And, we only believed Vicki’s statement based on what we witnessed on RHOC (i.e. Jim’s treatment of Meghan). Projection much?
Meghan insists Vicki’s comment “really hurt” Hayley. COME. ON! Meghan and Jim parading Hayley around on a reality show, airing all her troubles and issues, plus her mother’s death so MEGHAN can have a storyline of “super stepmom” – oh excuse me “HashtagCoolStepMom” – and hawk her “HashtagCancerSucks” hat isn’t hurtful? Uh-huh. Meghan is a tragedy vulture and by that logic you would think she’s sniveling up Vicki’s butt so-far she’d be Shannon’s at-home colonic.
Speaking of, Shannon talks about The Affair – I just so do not care. I also so do not care about the ins and outs of her colonic. Shannon blames her nagging for David’s cheating. Holier than bile Tamra and Heather immediately admonish Shannon for ‘blaming herself’. These two… last season they KNEW about the affair, yet treated Shannon like absolute colonic crap, now they’re her mantle of support. “YOU are the victim,” a tearful Tamra plaintively tells Shannon plaintively. Trust – Shannon knows!
Heather explains about how she found out last season. Apparently everyone in OC knew about the affair (except Shannon). After that fateful drink Heather had with Tamra, the subject of David’s cheating just-so happened to be brought up while Heather was lunching with other friends. Heather admonished them to drop it naturally, however, one of the women texted The Affair UNDER the table (not knowing the woman was actually David’s mistress). The Affair then contacted David, who immediately called Shannon to cover his tracks. Is his Law & Order Playing Victim, or RHOC?
Interesting – Heather is incriminating herself as being quite the hub of salacious information, yet she never, ever, EVER has anything to do with repeating it or starting it… Uh Huh.
All the ladies commend Shannon for courageously airing her marital drama without trying to take revenge on David. Really? I do not commend this – it’s weird and desperate. Meghan gushes that Shannon’s children aren’t scarred by the affair being on RHOC. Proof of this being they’re honest with Shannon about their feelings which is the sign of a healthy dynamic. Like Shannon’s daughter candidly telling her she’s only fun when she’s drunk? Meghan knows about these things – she Googled. And called a day care, and Betty Ford.
Finally Briana comes out and it’s time to put Brooks on blast. Finally! While Briana is talking Tamra keeps making these faces that are just, frankly, un-Jesuslike and super self-obsessed. She was salivating as the revelations spilled and gagging at the opportunity to interject thus making it all about her. For instance, when Briana mentions that Vicki had chosen Brooks over her, Tamra quipped, overly-eagerly, “Welcome to my life!” Oh, I didn’t know Tamra was Vicki’s child. Even though Tamra is as immature as a toddler.
Vicki admits Brooks dumped her, but says she eventually would have ended things (YEAH RIGHT). Briana reveals that among Brooks more disgusting overtures, he hit on her while she pregnant and introduced himself by his nickname “Girth Brooks”. Tamra gestured to herself wildly and gasped, “Me too!” Satan loves confusion!
When Briana tried to tell Vicki about such incidents, Vicki constantly defended Brooks by accusing BRIANA of lying. Vicki even dismissed Briana’s story by saying Brooks would never want her. You could hear a pin drop, or Shannon’s gut gurgling from her at-home colonic done mere hours earlier. Vicki is despondent as Briana shares this and it was really dishearteningly sad. She acknowledges that she should have believed her daughter. Ya’think?!
Vicki desperately needs a lot of counseling. Every night she probably gazes at her wedding photo with Donn and cries for letting that love tank run dry.
Then Brooks‘ interview is played. He blames the ladies of RHOC and Briana for his breakup with Vicki and accuses Briana of lying because of “hearsay and manipulation” (not “heresy” which is what Tamra’s pasture said Vicki was guilty of after comparing herself to Jesus on the Pottery Barn cross.) Briana is disgusted and aghast!
Brooks accuses Briana of relying on Vicki for money. He also insists Vicki’s family loved him – except Briana. Briana can barely stay in her seat and was about to attack the teleprompter before Andy turned it off. Briana set the record straight: Vicki’s mother despised Brooks – and was afraid he would take all Vicki’s money! Briana also revealed that Brooks talked about Vicki’s vagina to her family! Is Brooks comparing RHOC with Jerry Springer perhaps? Or does he think Orange County is permanently on Tamra’s sex party time?
Vicki seems at a loss for words or emotions and just emptily shrugs. I imagine, the entire time, she is praying, “Please let Donn come back to me. With the pug dog, and his Corona fridge, and we’ll buy our boat and sail off to Puerto Vallarta, and have a lifetime of Woo Hoos at Andales and whopping it up on the sandy beaches where no one has ever heard of Brooks Ayers.” And if Vicki could turn back time, I bet she would echo Shannon’s sentiment that divorce is not in her vocabulary.
Honestly – I feel like Vicki moved Brooks in when she should have just adopted a cat.
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF PART 2 OF THE REUNION? WAS HEATHER PROTECTING TAMRA OR STIRRING THE POT? DO YOU BELIEVE BRIANA OR BROOKS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
