Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta a certain former beauty queen known for her luscious locks launched her haircare line – or did she? What did Kenya Moore have in those bottles?!
Before all the shit-talking and shade-throwing begins, Porsha Williams and Phaedra Parks get some shit-removal from Atlanta’s premiere colonic administrator: The Poop Doctor. EWWWWW…
Phaedra muses that several of the ladies need a colonic because they’re so full of shit their skin is several shades darker. Ahem, KENYA.
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While Porsha is laid-back in the colonic chamber, which looks like a Jacuzzi without the water and STDs, Phaedra holds her hands and talks her through it as if she’s having a baby. We do not need food babies, Bravo!
Naturally the conversation is about shitty friendships, specifically Phaedra and Kandi Burruss‘. Phaedra is really hurt after learning third-hand that Kandi and Todd were storing Apollo’s belongings and never told her.
Kandi doesn’t really get what the issue is. I mean – she had heard Phaedra knew, plus it was TODD and Apollo who made the arrangement. Todd then cheers that Kandi played loan shark for him and is counting down the days until he gets that money. That’s funny – so are the feds! Nevertheless Kandi thinks her friendship with Phaedra will be OK, but she’s taking it “one day at a time.”
Here’s what I don’t understand: Kandi and Todd think it’s totally fine that Kandi tell Phaedra about owing Todd money – even though it was Todd’s deal with her, which Kandi had no involvement. Yet, on the contrary, Kandi doesn’t think it was her business to inform Phaedra that Todd agreed to store Apollo’s stuff? What type of FRIEND wouldn’t automatically tell her husband NO – that ill-gotten motorcycle the feds are likely looking for is not coming to my garage so your buddy the convict can hide his assets, then immediately tell her friend what the husbands were trying to pull?
What. Ever.
Also What. Ever. Cynthia Bailey‘s marriage to Peter. He’s been gone for days and Cynthia hasn’t head neither hide nor hair. Like most women free of ‘Peachter, Peachter Liar, Cheater’, Cynthia is rejoicing. Especially when Leon arrives to interview tutors for their daughter Noelle who is home-schooling to pursue her love of singing and acting. *sigh* Really, Cynthia, you’re a pimpmomager now? Why don’t you manage your huzzzzzband’s pimping first.
The tutor who arrives is cute – and young. “Too cute,” observes Cynthia, who worries Noelle may learn biology the wrong kind of way. Unfortunately Leon encourages Cynthia to work on her marriage to Peter – Cynthia seemed disappointed by the advice.
After Porsha removed all her hot air, she participates in a celebrity track and field event. If PORSHA is the best celebrity they can get no wonder no one heard of this event! Before racing Porsha stretches and flaunts her “cornbread ass” to impressionable young men in the bleachers. Honey – your cornbread don’t bring all the boys to the yard. They’s why Duke missed the 50 yard line and kept on running all the way to China!
Speaking of, Porsha is very annoyed that Kandi, along with other friends and family, made a mockery of her Baby-Man Shower by bringing up all the negative gossip about Duke. Porsha’s friends and family are even demanding she submit Duke to a credit check, background check, liar detector and STD check, but the only check Porsha is interested in is the one that fills her box.
Kandi supports Porsha at celebrity field day to cheer her on, although she isn’t sure if Porsha knows the difference between “run” and “booty shake.” Afterwards, Porsha suggestively complains to Kandi about how hard it is to deal with people questioning her relationship to Duke. She expects Kandi to understand since not everyone supportive of Todd. Kandi plays dumb.
What. Ever.
Kenya is finally ready to launch Moore Hair Care, which has been an exhaustive process in which top-notch billionaire investors have put all their trust in Kenya to create a revolutionary hair product to rival the greatness of Vidal Sassoon. Well, at least the perfume girls at Walmart asked Kenya for help! Kenya has discovered something so miraculous, so amazing, so sensationally effective, she immediately ran to ogres in charge of the flooding sprinklers at Moore Manor to put it in a bottle. That miracle product: water. Mmmmmhmmmmmm *SIDE EYE*
Kenya’s scientific breakthrough of recognizing the power of water on hair is deserving of a launch party. Kenya may not have the product, per se, but she certainly has the fancy bottles, the giant blown-up photos of her own hair, and the wind machine commercial… “”I want to be the next Madame C. J. Walker,” announces Krayonce.
Kenya hires Cynthia’s event planner to pull everything together. Marlo Hampton is there to help Kenya vet the party planner. The party will take place in the old Bar None building, an abandoned industrial warehouse near the former crack house where Peachter made some of his soundest investments – just don’t go near the third floor because the floor joists aren’t steady and Apollo’s car is up there. In hiding. I kid, I kid – I made all that up. I don’t know where the party was held!
Kenya worries about the party planner’s ability to pull this off – I worry about her pants constricting blood flow to the derriere! TOO DANG TIGHT (those were the most unflattering pants I have ever seen Kenya wear!). If this event is successful, Kenya decides she’ll hold another party – a rent party for Sheree Whitfield like in Good Times, so Sheree can get Chateau Sheree completed and raise Kenya’s property values. Kenya isn’t being shady though, she’s being neighborly by helping a friend in need. Maybe Porsha could return the favor by loaning Kenya some hair in a bottle?
Kim Fields is the only one excited for Kenya’s hair care launch party, because Kim and hubby Christopher are going on a much-needed date. Christopher teases Kim about not having friends, and Kim insists that in real-life she’s “Kimmie” who’s super shy and never socializes. OK, Kim, I love you, but your wardrobe is a testament to the fact that you haven’t been out of the house since 2004. Those tropical-print maxi-mumu’s have got to go!
In truth Kim and Christopher seem to have a cute relationship and it’s nice to see a genuine couple on Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Unlike CynthiDumb and Peachter. More on those two later…
At Kenya’s party the heat is on for this to be a roaring success! People must know the POWER OF WATER. Luckily Shemea Morton, friend of both Porsha and Kandi, is helping Kenya spread the word. She opens one of Kenya’s hair care bottles and discovers the clean, fresh scent of eau de tap aqua. This stuff is sooooo rare and pure, Shemea tries to drink it.
Shemea is operating on “shade level 10” according to Porsha. Somebody needs a colonic!
The heat is also on in the building which is like an inferno – Krayonce’s Inferno – everyone is sweating and fanning themselves waiting for Kenya to make her appearance. Kenya envisioned she’d walk in and people would be luxuriating at her beauty bar, getting the full Moore Experience. Instead they’re about to take off all their clothes, stripped down to their Naked Lingerie. Dang – if someone was smart (or shady) enough, they would have asked the DJ to play Nelly’s It’s Gettin’ Hot In Here! #AudioShade.
Kandi discovers there is no water to drink at the party (because it’s all on display as the so-called haircare products), and since she’s pregnant and uncomfortable enough already, she bails.
Sheree arrives in her absence. She By SheShiny actually is glistening, but this time I blame the heat in the room, not the fact that she got her makeup done hours before at the Clinique Counter. Kenya invited Sheree so she can win the proceeds of the raffle and take home a few munch-needed donations. Oh, and because Kenya wants to start over after “accidentally” shading Chateau Sheree at Cynthia’s eyewear launch party (which I might add was a legit event with REAL products). Kenya’s “friend” Claudia also attended.
By the time Kenya arrived all the witches have melted into a puddle of silicone (are they still denying that every single Atlanta housewife has implants – did some plastic surgeon give a 6 for 1 deal?!). Kenya breezes in with her date – who according to Phaedra she must have met at the dermatologist’s. Then Kenya and Sheree go outside to talk. Kenya claims she didn’t mean any harm when she insulted Chateau Sheree, she was just trying to bring the neighbor’s concerns to Sheree’s attention. Sheree blames being screwed by bad contractors for the incessant delays. They agree to start fresh, but Sheree vows she’ll never trust a woman wearing color contacts in 2015 – or a woman who has a hair care launch without any hair care products. Kray By KrayNONEce.
Back inside the party Phaedra and Cynthia both shock Kim by revealing one of their husbands is in prison, and the other one is MIA in Charlotte but you can monitor his actions on instagram. “This wasn’t exactly what Christopher and I had in mind for our date night,” admits Kim.
With one phony and salty affair over, Cynthia returns home to confront Peachter about the state of their marriage. She doesn’t look nearly upset enough for a woman who admits she no longer loves her husband and wants a divorce after discovering her husband is allegedly cheating. The Real Cynthia Bot must have been programmed on “muted emotions and volume level quiet.” Or maybe Cynthia is just over it – over Peter, over his lies, over his failures, over keeping up appearances that no one ever believed in. Flashbacks to Cynthia’s wedding show that she has aged 15 years in the 5 she’s been married to Peter and that Jocelyn Wildenstein eyelift she has in the interviews are not helping to turn back time!
Cynthia reminds Peachter that she uprooted her life for him, only for there to be one disappointment after another – repeated financial hardships and an unfulfilling marriage. Peachter cries tears of Cristal because Cynthia finally cut up her credit card and now he’ll have to drink Kenya’s hair care products for hydration.
After a seriously emotionally void discussion Cynthia and Peter agree to try harder and not give up on marriage. Yet Cynthia warns him: there’s always divorce!
As Peter goes upstairs to write down Cynthia’s bank account number and delete Tinder from his phone sulk, I swear I heard a knock at the door. “Leon Calling” comes the voice. So far, yet so close…
TELL US – WAS KENYA’S HAIR CARE LINE LEGIT? SHOULD PETER AND CYNTHIA GIVE THEIR MARRIAGE ANOTHER CHANCE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
