The ladies are back and I can already tell the theme of this season’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills will be mustering sympathy for Yolanda Foster‘s campaign for battling Lyme disease.
While Yolanda is permanently convalescing – now in a condo far away from the palace of lemons lightly scented with love and sprinkled with the élan of Grammys – Lisa Vanderpump is getting her workout on. A workout for Lisa includes a personal trainer in the form of LA Dodgers player EJ Ellis.
Lisa will be throwing the ceremonial first pitch to celebrate LGBT pride at Dodgers stadium and she is super honored plus excited, but nervous.
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Was it weird for anyone else that they chose a 50’s-something Real Housewife who is neither gay, nor a fan of America’s Pastime? Maybe PUMP is like the unofficial Mecca for the gay community.
Ken and the dogs swarm around to make sure things stay strictly baseball. Although Lisa has batted a lot of balls (particularly at SUR!), she couldn’t throw the ball straight until Ken suggested she imagine EJ’s glove was Brandi Glanville‘s face.
Did we have to say it? The “B” word. Lisa agrees – no more Boozdi, like ever again.
Lisa Rinna, or Lipsa as she is colloquially known around these parts, continues to be a delight swathed in a crazy wrapper, rolled up in a cackling slightly-unhinged laugh, and dipped in some nuts. [I could totally hear her making a nutz joke too].
Lipsa is filming a segment for Oprah’s Where Are They Now even though Lipsa isn’t sure where she’s ever gone. The time capsule of her career makes realize her longest job has been a 3-year stint on a 90’s soap and she’s most famous for lips and Depends. She worries her tombstone may read, “Lips, Mother, Wife of Harry Hamlin (No 16 in my heart), patron saint of slightly unhinged laughs and everlasting frosted highlights, wore diapers.”
“I wouldn’t do a diarrhea commercial,” she concludes. Even Lipsa’s hustle has standards.
After Lipsa films her OWN retrospective, and enshrines her hair in Oprah’s millennium time capsule, she takes her daughters shopping. Despite being Hollywood – and that they just returned from a European vacation – Lisa wants to instill hard work ethics in her girls. Lipsa knows plenty of women who have married for money, yet feel like they have nothing to show for it – except every handbag known to the Gods of Hermes. And of course it makes them feel good – great, probably – but still, that ain’t the legacy of the Rinna “We’ll Do Anything For A Buck” Hamlins (yes, even Depends!).
Lipsa’s daughter wants a car, so now she works in a deli. “A good old fashioned deli. Making toast,” explains Lipsa. So yes, mommy will buy you $200 “dungarees” and let you designer swimsuit shop on TV, but then you will be slapping mayo on rye with pastrami for $7 an hour to earn that Kia. I mean, no complaints from me on that! [Insert cackling maniacal laugh here]. [Insert: I hope she didn’t buy those swimsuits for her daughters because they were ugly and the giant red circle was just … I was having a whiff of period commercial. Ergo, not a good look!!!!]
Kyle Richards still thinks she’s qualified to advise people on what to wear. WRONG. Now she’s in the business of $75,000 sunglasses. Only on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills could $25,000 sunglasses be trumped by $75,000 ones. I need to start frequenting Beverly Hills Goodwills!
If Kyle releases a song about $75,000 sunglasses, featuring hair flips, so help me I will disown her faster than Mauricio has disowned KimKillah Richards!
After ugly sunglass bragging (they looked like car rearview mirrors) Kyle meets Lisa for lunch. These two are having fun together again – thankfully! Yes, they are having so much fun talking about Kim and Yolanda and how their lives suck while hahahahahahah Kyle and Lisa are traveling to Tuscany, wearing rose gold sunglasses, and producing sitcoms for Warner Bros.
Kyle is working on a pilot about growing up in 1970’s Hollywood. Fun, except Kathy Hilton is trying to Big Sister-Mafia intimidate Kyle not to do it because: FAMILY SECRETS! Yes, wouldn’t want anything negative emerging about those Richards-Hiltons, paragons of virtuous society. Even though Kyle made it clear that it’s about HER life and not about exposing anything, Kathy still can’t find it in her emaciated heart to be supportive. Too bad Kathy can’t do magic now and disappear all Kyle’s aspirations to finally shine on her own.
Kyle, however, is no longer a’scairt of Kathy and her all-powerful Hilton millions. Kyle is married to the King of the Beverly Hills RealTORs, has the most famous hair on Bravo (until Lipsa showed her lips up), plus she owns Kyle by KaftansForEVER. It’s Kyle’s life and she will put it on TV if she wants to. But in truth, Kyle’s family should stop incessantly guilt tripping and manipulating her! Just to spite Kathy and KimKillah, I will watch your show Kyle – now go, spread those hair wings into a caftan made of dreams and sparkly rays of freedom, and fly!
By the way, Kyle still isn’t really talking to Kim because honestly, WHY BOTHER?!
Lisa tut-tuts through the list of Richards Family Terrors (are they the subject of an American Horror Story yet?!), then talk turns to Yolanda, who is living her very own American Horror Story: Beverly Hills Lyme-bandonment.
Lisa reached out to Yolanda in her time of extreme illness, which miraculously coincides with her time of being relegated to the condo David owns, while he “travels” for work, but Yolanda isn’t accepting Hollywood Friends as visitors. Kyle suggests that maybe Yo doesn’t want to see Lisa, with her subtly condescending banter and her little digs wrapped in a furry pashmina called Giggy. Like, “Oooooh you do look awful dahlink, like six shades of cheap, pale-piss chardonnay, but ohhhh isn’t Giggy cute and do you want some Rosé, it comes from my own vineyard and is made with the secreted extract of swan farts. Oh, that will just put the pink in you! Look here – let’s just take 10 seconds to dab on some undereye concealer and oh voila! – it’s like Before & After on one of those dodgy makeover shows you’ve probably been watching holed up here in the slums. Now where is KingDaaaaahvid again? OH, Grammy hunting…. ” So yeah, I get it, Lisa, Perfect Pinky PrissPants (whom I love), is probably not the best person to have at your bedside when you’re feeling your worst and looking it too.
And as Lisa says, she and Yolanda aren’t really that close – especially after Yolanda was frightfully rude to Ken. But that was all LymeBrain (not Brandi!!!!!) influenced.
Lisa and Kyle aren’t really sure what the hell is going on with Yolanda but they’re suspicious. Back in the slummy condo, Yolanda is getting an IV when her friend Angie visits. Angie has also adopted the no makeup look so not to make Yolanda feel bad.
Look – I dunno what’s up with YoLymeAilments, but sometimes just putting on makeup and real clothes and stepping AWAY from the IV tubes makes a person feel better. She probably should have sat this season of RHOBH out if she was so sick. Also Angie is just some cosseting dud sycophant pretending she cares about Lymes Of Our Lives to get on TV. While Yolanda is sniffling about how difficult it is to barely be able to work a phone with her diminished brain function, Lipsa calls with an invite to her birthday party. Yolanda doesn’t know how she’ll summon the strength, but somehow she’ll manage to make it.
At Eileen Davidson‘s we learn Brandi has been good for something; her comments about Eileen’s house being American Psycho helped Eileen realize she was holding on to far too many things and her house was dated and cluttered! Eileen’s friend is over, helping her clear-out so Eileen can take her mind off her father-in-law’s recent passing. They were very close.
While Eileen is moving furniture, filling donation boxes, organizing stepsons and cooking on the George Foreman, Lipsa calls to invite Eileen to her birthday and check-in about how she’s feeling. Eileen can’t come to the party and then dammit she burns the chicken! It was probably my favorite moment of the show.
Eileen’s career has also come full-circle; she’s been on Y&R so long she’s re-doing storylines about a mother and daughter love triangle. The first time Eileen did that storyline she was the daughter, now she’s the mother! But Eileen laughs that someday she might be the grandmother. And THIS is why I love Eileen and Lipsa – neither take themselves too seriously.
Finally Lisa arrives at Dodgers stadium wearing pink and blue wedges, because trainers are for the dogs. Lisa’s dogs probably DO chew on custom-made Louboutin sneakers! In the stadium hallway Lisa is handed a jersey with “Vanderpump” on the back so she changes right there, whipping off her shirt, exposing her hot pink “Pride-colored” bra, and yanks on the jersey. Lisa is frightfully nervous to f–k up and have her error wind-up on YouTube for eternity, but honestly, no one watches the stupid ceremonial pitch – they’re too busy getting beers. Lisa tosses the ball, and it comes near-ish to home plate then bounces acquiescently into EJ’s glove. A smattering of people cheer then everyone rushes off to Lipsa’s birthday dinner.
Kyle rides with Lipsa to the party, and they talk in earnest about how Mauricio – NOT KYLE – is a “Luxury Lover” obsessed with fabulously. NOT KYLE.
At the restaurant Yolanda appears with Angie. And GASP… Yolanda, formerly of the blinding crisp perfection, has on NO makeup, her streaky hair is thrown into a ponytail, and she’s wearing mismatched whites! Is she doing this on purpose?! It seems a bit contrived?
Yolanda’s appearance is like the elephant giant lemon in the room. All anyone can do is gawk, while croaking that she looks well, then commenting how she looks terrible. If this is what women look like without makeup men will never marry sans prenup again! Ken seems to think he’s defending Yolanda by mentioning that she looks ill, instead of just awful. That she does.
Yolanda leaves early because she’s having hot flashes and feeling sweaty. Which sounds a lot like, oh, I dunno – Menopause!
Everyone is relieved because Yolanda’s appearance was awkward. Plus she’s been reduced to a condo, dated clothes, at-home highlights and no makeup – they must SAVE this woman! After champagne.
Harry Hamlin appears to gift Lipsa giant “cubic zirconium” earrings and we learn that Harry is so important to Lipsa he’s only ranking at number 10, no – number 16!, on her speed dial. Right under her agent, her daughters, her hair dresser, Oprah producers, her publicist, Andy Cohen, Dr. Simon Ourian, her manager, her personal dungaree procurer, Delilah’s deli manager, her maid, and the woman in charge of locating all those bright colored muumuus she loves. But Harry Hamlin IS before Kyle – so that counts! Oh, he’s also listed as “HARRY HAMLIN”. As Kyle states, “You already got the job!” Is Lipsa’s phone famewhoring and name-dropping?
The next day Kyle and Mauricio discuss the situation with Kim. “Maurice”has basically washed his hands (and his checkbook) of the situation – he’s over KimKillah, her BS, her false promises. Mauricio feels Kyle should disengage from the Kim entirely. For Kyle, however, that’s easier said than done. Guilt, plus years of enabling and manipulation have been buried into her. Kim’s dysfunction and the secrets they share is a part of her.
I feel for Kyle on this, I do, and I get it. I think Mauricio is right though: You’ve got to break free, Splits McHairflips Kaftans Richards. You’ve got to break free.
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING ON WITH YOLANDA? DID THE LADIES LACK COMPASSION? SHOULD KYLE DISTANCE HERSELF FROM KIM?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
