It’s time for the sick, sad, dysfunctional world of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Thank goodness for the beautiful Tuscan scenery and the epic way Lisa Vanderpump put Kathy Hilton‘s BS on blast or else I’d be suffering from a case of Lymopause-depression! I can’t wait for Erika Jayne‘s kooky-crazy next week to infuse this show with some fun weirdness, because melo-lyme-dramatics is too much!
Yolanda Foster needs to break-up from “stabbing in the dark” and “playing detective,” as she refers to the menagerie of ‘treatments’ she’s trying to cure Lyme. What is making Yolanda sicker – the Lyme Disease or all the crazy she’s dumping into her body? Yolanda’s Bathrobe is becoming the new Yolanda’s Fridge, and YoBathrobe just doesn’t have the same appeal. Lady needs to detox from detoxing, and instead of a weekly colonic to harvest tapeworms, how about a facial, a nice relaxing, massage, a bottle of wine and some My Love sexytimes! Or possibly a trip to the snooze-inducing Amalfi Coast?
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Which brings me to, Kyle Richards leaving for an amazing family vacation. Even more amazing because we weren’t subjected to 10 weeks of footage of Kyle + Kaftans + Kids on a boat humblebragging. We likely have Kathy to thank for that, because the apex of Kyle’s trip was London for the ‘Nicky Hilton Got Class’d Up’ Rothschild wedding.
Unfortunately weeks before said wedding Kathy DISINVITED Kyle – even though two of Kyle’s daughters are actually in the wedding! Including Portia, aged 7ish, as the flower girl. It goes without saying that Kathy places little priority on watching children, but it’s pretty brazen to disinvite your sister therefore leaving your very young niece unsupervised!
Kyle planned to borrow a gown from Lisa, because, as Ken so artfully put it, the only thing Kyle wears are muumuus (Like Lisa has taste?). Case in point: Kyle mumu-ing around Italy. Every time Kyle wears a muumuu take a drink! Lisa smirkily defends Kyle’s style as “flowing dresses.” If what Kyle wears are flowing dresses, what Lisa wears is sculptural couture. I will take Lisa’s rhinestone encrusted bodygloves over Kyle’s circus tent wardrobe any day.
Is it me or is Ken extra-crotchety? He’s turning 70 and has no f–ks left to give (unless you’re a Pomeranian!). Or Lisa. Therefore I vote Ken to host the reunion – tough love time! Kyle does desperately need a wardrobe intervention, but BabySteps, BabySteps, BabySteps… Lisa is working on a Twisted Sister intervention first.
Lisa selected a lovely, understated gown for Kyle to borrow (which was a totally set-up storyline to expose Kathy’s tomfoolery with the invite!) Kyle tells a flabbergasted Lisa that Kathy actually rescinded Kyle’s invite. Kyle pretends she doesn’t know why Kathy is pissed.
Lisa is plotting a mini-pony reconnaissance mission for Ken’s birthday. Because what else do you get the man who literally has every other incarnation of small animal?
Lisa recruits Lisa Rinna to board a private jet, fly somewhere uncouth, and smuggle home the miniature pony, which Lipsa will have to stash at her house – displacing “HARRY HAMLIN” in bed. Lipsa apparently always refers to her husband as “Harry Hamlin” – it’s not just a phone thing! Maybe Lipsa needs to use first and last name to distinguish from her hairy bits, of which she says Harry is quite fond.
What does one wear to smuggle a pony? This is a question for Archer. (“LAAAAANAAAAA!”).
Lisa and Ken pack their bags, but not their Poms (I know – shocking!), and head to Italy to meet the Kaftans Splits McHairflips family as they are disembarking from their yacht. The contrast between Kyle’s boat and Kenya Moore‘s ‘river bottom nightmare cruise’ on Real Housewives Of Atlanta. haha.
“Luxury Lover” Mauricio also rented a Ferrari. He and a daughter drive to the villa. Kyle, wearing a bikini and coverup, rode with the remaining girls in a van. Americans – please do not complain about lack of AC. The Italians don’t do ice, central air, or krumpled kaftans!
Lisa and Ken are hot-flashy and cranky. Ken bellows to their taxi driver to crank the AC because his hemorrhoids are on fire and his AARP card promised a discount on chauffeurs with freon. Lisa shushes him while joking about becoming a cougar. Instead she’s adopting a mini pony. Lisa reminisces about vacationing on the Amalfi Coast. Unlike sooooome Hollywood Friends who complain that it’s dull. Yeah, vacationing near George Clooney is like so boring for High Priestess Of The Lymes because YoDa doesn’t get any attention!
Speaking of, Yolanda’s quest to cure Lyme includes getting all the solid gold fillings removed from her teeth because she believes they’re are toxic. Some lab work told her so!
Yolanda, accompanied by her new”Health Advocate” Daisy, visit the dentist. Yolanda leaks cryogenically-controlled tears about being scared. Does part of her Lyme Brain include regressing to toddlerdom?
As a Lyme Survivor herself Daisy is a high-class grifter charlatan giving Brooks Ayer’s a run for his money Yolanda’s brain. Apparently Yolanda is so depleted she needs a full-time sitter, but David is too busy making beautiful music elsewhere. Anyone else think David did hire an actual babysitter and Daisy doesn’t know the difference between a Lyme and Key Lime Pie?
Let’s talk about this dentist visit, shall we. An IV? Anybody ever gotten an IV to get fillings replaced? And Yolanda NOT WEARING SHOES?! And the fur blanket! And David wearing a denim blazer?! Naturally he appeared to dutifully hold Yolanda’s hand. Naturally Yolanda starts gagging that she can’t breathe, while flapping her hands. The previews alluded to this being a legit medical emergency…
Post-procedure David is out that door faster than you can say Lemon-Lyme Surprise. “Aren’t you glad you married me?” Yolanda bleats to his denim-blazered backside. “Absolutely!” he trills and rushes towards the light at the end of the tunnel. That light is his divorce attorney’s office.
After David fled departed, I’m positive Yolanda took a sick-selfie of her gazing mournfully at the pan of discarded fillings, proclaiming, “heavy metal detox. Distress dentistry. Metal creates poison. #FightingForACure #MyLoveAffairWithLyme #MyHealthJourney #MetalToxicity #PAYATTENTIONTOMEPUHLEASE #ESPECIALLYIFYOURNAMEISDAVIDFOSTER #MyBrainOnlyWorksForHashTags
But, seriously – is Yolanda gonna start wearing a diamond-studded LifeAlert necklace next?
Eileen Davidson and Vince visit to Palm Springs to see Dicky Van Patten‘s Walk Of Fame star in memorial. It’s been a difficult year, because Eileen’s sister Connie also recently passed away. Connie was battling breast cancer using holistic methods, but never let anyone know she was terminal. Eileen got a call that Connie had slipped into a coma, days later she died in Eileen’s arms.
Lipsa is also dealing with family issues. But first BH priorities – after watching her Harry Hamlin diamond earrings sparkle for hours, Lipsa realizes she hasn’t called her parents since 1985 and forgot what they look like. She loads up a video of her mom falling out of a reclining lawnchair for a refresher, then speakerphone calls her parents – in front of her daughter and like 19 of her daugther’s teenaged friends – to learn her dad was in the hospital with some penile issue.
In Lipsa’s family they use laughter to deal with sadness. Lipsa is laughing constantly because she actually needs industrial-strength Prozac? Truthfully, I appreciate Lipsa’s zest for life, and her ability to make the best of a bad situation by seeing the good. It’s sure as hell better than slouching around in a bathrobe while ‘health advocate Daisy‘ coddles your every clogged pore.
Back to Italy! Mauricio disappeared for days and days, lost in the countryside with only the hum of his Ferrari, but he finally arrived when the sound of Kyle shrieking “MAURICE!” while rustling kaftan brought him back to reality.
Now it’s Kyle’s turn to drive the Ferrari with Lisa as her co-pilot. Kyle has been driving since she was 13, because her mom encouraged them to have freedom and break rules. That worked out marvelously.
Kyle’s driving demonstrates why Driver’s Ed is now required education. She drives entirely in 1st gear! But, she and Lisa had a blast cracking jokes, teasing, and being silly. Kyle and Lisa are fun together. Surprisingly I sort of loved Lisa’s weird white lace boudoir dress.
Back at the villa Kyle and Lisa discuss life in the Lymes. Lisa asserts that Yolanda may not believe Lyme is causing her illness and astutely wonders, “If you’re doing so many cures, how can you know which one’s working?” I know Bravo is trying to make Lisa and Kyle look like the big-bad Lyme doubters, but honestly, who wouldn’t be asking these questions? I don’t believe they were being mean or catty (AM I DEFENDING KYLE?!?!?!?), but expressing concern. And valid points!
Yolanda is desperate for a cure – so desperate – she’s trying anything! Drinking her own pee? CHECK! Dangling Upside Down In Compressed Air While Listening To Ozzy Osbourne Read A Book On Tape? CHECK. Smearing Her Hair With Bat Dung? CHECK! Taking A Jazzercise Class? CHECK! Eating Solid Food? Errrrmmmmmmm… Real Doctors? Uhhhh… gee…
Kyle posits that Yolanda may have depression. After Kyle’s mom died she had similar symptoms and was constantly seeking a diagnosis when she realized she was depressed. Ding! Ding! Ding!
Thusly proving Kyle’s point, Eileen and Lipsa visit Lymes Of Our Lives reduced brain functioning condo, where Yolanda is reading in bed until her “health advocate” informs her guests have arrived. Yolanda immediately pretends to be asleep. That was my ‘Get out school’ trick in the 6th grade. And luckily there were no NannyCams to catch me!
Yolanda keeps Lipsa and Eileen waiting for a thousand eons, to the sounds of an artfully deployed hacking cough, so Daisy can provide a tour of Yolanda’s “medicine closet”. It’s filled with bullshit 62 zillion vitamins.
Yolanda finally shuffles out, all puffy faced and bathrobe-clad, to guzzle green juice while crying over 2 foot parasites. “I don’t remember what it feels like to be normal anymore,” she bemoans, extolling the virtues of colonics.
Lipsa and Eileen are shocked by how diminished Yolanda seems. Echoing David they practically run out of there and are at a loss over what to think. For Eileen it brought back painful memories of her sister and she is concerned Yolanda has given up hope.
Back in Italy, Kyle has been re-invited to the wedding, but Mauricio and Kyle’s middle daughters are not! *^&%%#^&?!?!?!?! Kyle is going because so many famous and rich people will be there she wants to see Nicky walk down the aisle.
The drama of the Twisted Sisters Richards is as ever-present as the mosquitoes in Italy, and just as frustrating to deal with.
Lisa is disappointed that Kyle took Kathy’s pathetic bait, and once again, allowed herself to be pulled down by the dysfunction. Lisa kept musing that she was “probably out line,” while dropping bon-mots about the atrocious ways Kathy and Kim treat Kyle.
Allegedly Alexia and Sophia aren’t invited because a ‘No Kids’ policy (isn’t Alexia like 19 and a sophomore in college!), but all of KimKillah’s daughters were there!
Why Kyle is attending is beyond me. She should have yanked Portia out of the bridal party and put a stop to Kathy’s nonsense by telling her she’d read about Nicky’s big day in People, then promising to attend Nicky’s next wedding.
Kyle’s daughters don’t want to hear about the family discord. Lame! When I was a kid and I sensed adults having ‘inappropriate’ [for kids] discussions in my vicinity I was riveted; ears the size of Lipsa-lips, silent as a mouse, and drinking in that gossip. This is how you get the goods on family secrets.
Here’s the thing: Kyle totally set LVP up to spill dirt on Kathy. Kyle joined the Vanderpump chess team and is Bobby Fishering Big Mean Kathy (Finally)! Lisa’s outrage was justified, even if she went too far, because this is ridiculous-maximus! And, as well-deserving as seriously questioning as Yolanda’s treatments. It is a friend’s duty to phlegmatically question your BS.
Alas, Kyle loves the codependent dysfunction, and thrives on it. Cause martyr! Lord – do the Real Househusbands of Beverly Hills need a support group and an in-house psychiatrist!
TELL US – SHOULD KYLE ATTEND NICKY’S WEDDING? WAS LISA OUT OF LINE COMMENTING? SHOULD YOLANDA BE WEARING SHOES AT THE DENTIST?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
Editor’s note: sorry about the wait on this one – it wasn’t Mary’s fault. We had a few quirks to deal with this morning after last night’s outage. Thanks for your patience. 😉
