Vanderpump Rules Recap: Do You, Cause I Don’t Want To

Last night on Vanderpump Rules there were boobs, butts, and bad friends galore. You know, the usual! 

It’s official I cannot stand Scheana Marie! Her ‘Nu-Stassi‘ routine is pathetic; she’s a totally disloyal, whiny, shit-stirring, biatch who needs to stop taking makeup tips from My Little Pony. Lord with those false eyelashes – you could practically fly with those things! In fact maybe that’s an idea – fly, fly away, Scheana. Take Kristen Doute with you. 

Tom 2 and Katie Maloney are celebrating their engagement, which included burned taquitos sexytimes. Stassi Schroeder sent Katie a phony text congratulating her and whining that she wasn’t a part of it. Poor Stassi – she ditched all her friends but now is sad they don’t like her anymore. Poor Little Bitch Girl Problems!  

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Even though the trip to Hawaii is mere minutes away we’re still talking about the guest list. You can summon plane tickets and time off by using special Pump Rules visualization skills – which also enables you to see yourself as a male model!  

James Kennedy is trying to finagle his way in to the trip, because Max, Lala Kent (plus Lala’s ever-present, stuntqueen boobs “Trying” and “Too Hard”) and Faith are going. James decides he’ll faux suck-up to Jax Taylor, pretending to grovel about how sad he feels over left-out, get invited on the trip, then get to bang Lala, thus pissing Jax off because he won the Lala Cooch-Off. And Jax won’t be able to do anything about it with his girlfriend Brittany there. Jax begrudging accepts James’ apology and James’ promise that he won’t get drunk and ruin things. 

A) Jax really is stupid. B) Jax is now on a moral high-ground about how people should be behaving on vacation – yet he wanted to invite Kristen? C) Jax is really stupid. D) James is next-level disgusting. 

Lisa Vanderpump reminds James that treating Lala like an object to fight over is gross. I’m sure Lala’s feminism thong is all in a bunch over not being treated with respect and dignity. I’m sure she’s like that just as soon as the cameras aren’t rolling. 

Speaking of rolling, Scheana is officially rolling over on Ariana Madix. Jax invites Ariana to his pre-Hawaii birthday lunch but warns her that Kristen will be there. Ariana shrugged and grumbled sarcastically about how she doesn’t care about the guest list – which is the equivalent of Ariana ‘wearing her emotions her sleeve’. Insert Scheana starting an argument over Ariana being super negative and making a big deal out of stuff that’s not. Color me confused, but that conversation did not make sense. Were some of Scheana’s comments oh-so-cleverly edited out? 

The latest confrontation over Kristen leaves Ariana questioning her friendships with Katie and Scheana. Scheana’s only friend is her own self-deluded grandeur. Her apartment is Hoarders with Narcissism and she will be friends with anyone the Bravo cameras tell her to. If the situation were reversed she would be crying, with full-fledged histrionics, about how no one cares about her most tragic situation ever! 

After meddling in Ariana and Kristen’s mess, Scheana goes swimsuit shopping with Lala and Faith. Lala confesses that although she loves making out with James, his “pee pee” is too small for her to be interested in going all the way. Let’s get real here, James is approximately 6 lbs, 5lbs of which is comprised of body glitter, man-tanks (“manks”), hair gel, and arrogance – is Lala really surprised he’s not working with a Magnum-worthy member? Lala then puts on pasties with a thong and prances around the store, scandalizing Softcore Scheana. Oh, Lala also admits she can’t stop flirting with Jax, even though Jax never told her how serious things were with Brittany. The struggle is real to get over Jax! 

15 seconds later Scheana tells Brittany everything Lala said – except the part about how Jax lied to Lala about Brittany driving 32 hours to potty train him and be his live-in nanny. 

So while Jax is POOPING ON THE POTTY, describing the bliss of cohabitation, Brittany confronts him about Lala. Jax pretends he never led Lala on, and insists Lala always knew about Brittany but flirted with him anyway. Brittany decides to confront Lala. Jax starts stressing out. 

Kristen slithers over to Katie’s house to see her engagement ring and advance beg to be involved in the wedding. Kristen sings the Stassi-woe-is-me song about being sad to miss the proposal. Also she and Stassi are now friends again and starting a #RejectClub! Yay for another friendship I don’t believe is real. 

Then everyone meets for Jax’s birthday lunch. Exactly how many times are we celebrating Jax’s birthday? It’s as never-ending as Jax’s nose jobs and lies! Kristen arrives first to gripe about Hawaii and decides she’s going to ‘talk to Tom 1‘ about his negative attitude towards her. While Tom 1 takes a pretend smoke break (did he even smoke the cig?), Kristen follows. Ariana dubs it the latest stop on the 2015 Apology Tour.

Only Peter, whose girlfriend is so pretty and seems so sweet (do something about that Mario Brothers Mushroom Head Bob please!), doesn’t seem interested in anything Kristen-related.

First of all, Kristen never really cleans up well, but her hair and makeup looked like it she had just come off an all-night bender, plus that romper gave her FUPA. 

She plops down next to Tom and threatens him with a good time by basically saying she’s NOT GOING ANYWHERE so he better just get used to it or Kristen might just make his life a living hell again. Oh, and Kristen will totally be planing wedding stuff with Katie, because Katie and Tom 2′s engagement is all about Kristen! Kristen also blamed Tom 1 and Ariana for not being invited to the proposal, which broke her heart. Ummm… Tom 2 didn’t invite you cause he doesn’t like your trifling ass either! Tom 1 to his credit didn’t take the bait. 

Kristen never takes accountability. Ever. She’s all ulterior motives, which are so thinly veiled if you even swat at them lightly, they collapse. Such is the case when she tried to convince Tom 1 that she’s changed and deserves to be accepted back into the group – with or without his approval. She’s also furious that James is going to Hawaii and she’s not. 

For Tom there’s too much water under the bridge to act like nothing happened, nor does he think it’s weird that he and Ariana don’t want to hang out with Kristen. He wasn’t hostile or aggressive. And Kritter hasn’t gotten her krazy in check. Tom 1 totally knows her games and recognizes what she’s doing. Honestly, Kristen’s desperation is unnerving. 

Tom wonders, if the Payless Pump were on the other foot, how Scheana would feel if they invited Shay’s ex-girlfriend on vacation? Or Tom 2‘s? YES – LET’S DO IT. KARMA!!!! 

Once they return to the table, to cold food and a false cheer, Scheana shares that Max fell and knocked out all his teeth requiring major dental surgery. Apparently James saved his life, but that doesn’t stop Scheana from also revealing what Lala said abut James’ manhood size. Does Schenaa EVER stop gossiping and stirring up trouble? No wonder she loves Kristen so much. Birds of a feather. 

Scheana also made a totally crass and deplorable joke warning Shay not to steal any of Max’s pain meds in Hawaii. Nice – real supportive. She’s as good a sober coach as Brandi Glanville. 

Then Scheana and Katie decide to have a discussion with Ariana to make things right before traveling to Hawaii.  By “discussion” they mean confront Ariana over how she won’t accept Kristen into their friend group. This caring heart-to-heart includes Katie informing Ariana that Kristen is “in their life” so she better accept it, then comparing her and Tom 1 to Stassi for holding grudges and cutting people out of her life.

Katie thinks if Tom and Ariana can’t forgive Kristen they lack ethics. Scheana accuses them of being spiteful for no reason. Also, Scheana has been talking to Ariana’s mom about how negative Ariana has become – which Scheana totally blames on Tom 1. That was low! Basically this whole talk was to guilt-trip Ariana into making Katie and Scheana’s lives easier by becoming friends with Kristen, because they want her around. Instead Ariana should make her own life easier by dumping Scheana and Katie as ‘friends’! Forgiving someone and moving on, is different from becoming friends. If Katie and Scheana want to believe Kristen is different, they’re the fools. 

While everyone else is at lunch, James, Lala, and Faith visit the convalescing Max. Lisa’s housekeeper totally called “mummy’ to warn them of Max’s guests, so Lisa phones to lecture Max about recuperating. The housekeeper brings tea and the scene of them having a tea party in bed was adorable. You could sense how overwhelmed Lala and Faith were in the Vanderpump-Todd Splendorium. 

Then of course all the cuteness was undone by skinnydipping. Lala took off her bra, and jumped in the pool to get freaky with James and Faith. Max did not partake – he knew Lisa was watching! I am quite certain Lisa and Ken had to drain the pool afterwards for a full disinfecting. Disgusting. 

Then everyone meets at the airport for Hawaii where Scheana and Katie continue complaining that Ariana will ruin the trip with her bad attitude. Then maybe Katie and Scheana should have planned their own damn trip with Kristen instead!? Ariana, meanwhile, seems fine. As Ariana pointed out, all these bitches have hated Kristen for one reason or another, so she’s never bothered to be her friend for a reason. 

OK: As a person who knows firsthand what a crazy stalking ex is like (while I was on vacation my husband’s ex-girlfriend actually showed up at our house and proposed to him, begging him not to marry me – we were engaged at the time. I have about 15 other instances of that level crazy with this girl. So I’ve been ‘Kristen’d‘), I do not think Ariana and Tom should just accept being friends with Kristen. Maybe someday, of course, but mere months after Kristen was Threat Level Orange? No. 

Tolerating Kristen politely in group settings is one thing – and that seems necessary – but for Ariana’s so called “Best friend” SCHEANA to insist Ariana become buddies with Kristen because it’s convenient for the rest of their friend group is selfish and immature. Last season, despite Kristen’s unhinged behavior, Scheana still included her in all the wedding events, a wedding where Ariana was a bridesmaid, and Ariana was always civil and respectful. Ariana and Tom don’t have to be friends with Kristen! Yes, they have to film with her, but keeping her at a distance doesn’t make them grudge-holding Stassiopaths. There’s too much water under the bridge for them to have  genuine relationship at this point. And furthermore, why would Kristen WANT to hang out with them?

Tom and Ariana shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because they don’t want to vacation with Kristen (on Tom’s birthday). It’s OK for Kristen to be friends with Jax, Scheana, and Katie, without being fully integrated into the friend circle. That’s called “Adulting”. Also if the cameras stopped rolling, would Katie and Scheana really be friends with Kristen? Because every time they protest about how great Kristen is, you can tell they don’t believe it. Especially Katie. Their interactions together are forced and fake. Yet it’s Stassi’s fault Katie used to be so nasty and negative – at least according to Tom 2. 

As Cher has taught us, “You can’t turn back time.” 

TELL US – SHOULD JAMES BE ALLOWED TO COME TO HAWAII? IS SCHEANA BEING A GOOD FRIEND TO ARIANA? SHOULD TOM 1 BE FRIENDS WITH KRISTIN AGAIN? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]