Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills mixed trashy lingerie into their usual drama cocktail. It was um… Splits Richards in all her glory!
Other than fishnets on ladies of a certain age, the drama centered around Yolanda Foster‘s Lyme Disease and Faye Resnick‘s polarizing existence. Two subjects I do not care about one bit!
Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump are throwing a burlesque party, to celebrate their joint anniversaries. Kyle and Lisa are cute together. Even when they’re bickering. Lisa withholds sugar from Kyle’s tea as punishment for Kyle springing Faye on her. Kyle teases back that Lisa is holding a grudge. Later Lisa attempts to snoop through Kyle’s phone to see if she and Faye have been talking about her, but it’s all in fun. Quite simply, Lisa doesn’t want the “orangutan” that is Faye – and Faye is very orange in hue no thanks to the most curious spray tan color ever seen. Does she ask the airbrusher to tint her “highlighter orange”? Or possibly “Orange Julius”? Whatever’s happening – that ain’t sunkisst!
The venue for the party is a speakeasy style hotel, and it’s fabulous. Even the looming presence Faye can’t tint Lisa’s excitement.
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Honestly – Kyle can like Faye all she wants. She can like Faye til Faye publishes a trashy tell-all of her life. Kyle can tout Faye as the most changed woman, and bestest friend in all humanity, but Kyle should accept not everyone will agree. I don’t think Lisa actually cares if Faye attends or not, she just likes ribbing Kyle. Although I DO wish Lisa would have surprise-invited “Witchipoo” to see how Kyle would react.
Erika Girardi visits Yolanda at her Malibu beach house, and proposes a walk. Yolanda is overjoyed because she hasn’t walked 9 months (except when we saw her walking through the park with Kyle and Erika like 4 episodes ago). Yolanda and Erika amble down the beach where Yolanda acts as if she’s the star of a Hallmark Movie biopic abut a woman who gained access to her senses for the first time in her life: Yolanda can see the crashing waves! Feel the sand beneath her monolithic toes! The breeze on her detoxified, makeup-free, unpreserved skin! Hear the crash of the waves since David’s music is, for once, not blaring, obstructing the natural sounds! She can taste the gossip rolling around her tongue; salty and acidic like a pickled lemon (yes that’s a thing, yes they are good).
Yolanda and Erika plop down on the sand – Erika wearing a striped dress reminding me of prison strips because she is beholden to Yolanda – then Erika reveals that Lyme was all the talk at Kyle’s BB-Not-Q, and LVP announced Bella and Anwar don’t have Lyme. Now, that’s NOT exactly what happened Ms. Messyka!
Erika failed to explain that Lisa actually answered a question about what MOHAMED, that man who is 1/2 of Bella and Anwar’s parentage, said about the kids having Lyme. Yolanda is practically flapping with shock over the betrayal. “Instead of gossiping about me, why don’t you come and take care of me,” she demands of her friends. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…. #NoWords
Kathryn Edwards and her husband Donnie hit the gym where Kathryn works out her aggression about the Faye situation. Kathryn admits Faye wasn’t what she was expected. In her mind Kathryn had built up confronting Faye but once faced with reality it abruptly fizzled out. Although Kathryn accepts Faye will be around, she still don’t like the bitch and won’t be her friend. Yes, Kathryn, focus on other things like your hottie hubby. They seem very happy together.
Eileen Davidson returned from her emotional trip to Italy. The vacation seems to be just what Eileen and Vince needed to get out of their funk – they seem happier, more relaxed and connected. Dealing with two major family losses in the span of months would really f–k with the equilibrium of a marriage, so I’m glad to see these bouncing back. Vince is excited by the burlesque party – mostly because he’ll get to see Eileen work a feather boa!
Lisa Rinna is eating her words – how many calories are in that?! – over her suggestion that Yolanda has Munchausen. She visits to Erika in Pasadena (THE VALLEY?!) – to get some tips on how to approach Yolanda with an apology and explanation.
Erika’s house is as over-the-top as everything else about Erika, who answers the door in a satin leopard-print jumpsuit then then takes Lipsa on a tour. The house even features a chapel to display Erika’s religious art collection. Lipsa is wowed. “Erika’s house is exquisite. It makes Lisa Vanderpump‘s house look like a disco,” she announces with hushed reverence. Eh, Erika’s house doesn’t feel like a home (or like Erika) – it feels phony and showcasey; like one of those historic homes which gets turned into a museum. I don’t particularly love LVP’s taste either – too twee and sparkly – but at least LVP’s house is cozy. My favorite Bravo home is Abby’s house on Girlfriend’s Guide To Divorce.
What I do love is the fabulosity of Erika, Jayne or Girardi. And the way she holds all these ladies at a polite distance, while wearing designer kidgloves studded with rock-hard shards of crystals, and constantly regards them with a raised eyebrow. Lipsa is unsettled and can’t relax. Over wine on the lanai, Lisa confesses to “engaging in a conversation” suggesting Munchausen, even though she doesn’t believe Yolanda has Munchausen. Now Lisa is forced to let the words ‘I’m sorry’ roll off her lips. Erika encourages her to be honest.
“We need to get over it,” acknowledges Lipsa, meaning get over questioning Yolanda’s illness. Erika agrees. The unexplained being that questioning Yolanda’s Lyme doesn’t do any good. Whatever she has going on, she’s ill – with something! – and they just have to stop obsessing over it.
Dealing with the prickliness of Yolanda has given Lipsa serious IBS: Iffy Bitch Syndrome. She arrives at Yolanda’s condo “for coffee,” so Yolanda can openly judge and condescend her for having an opinion. Lipsa brought wine, which Yolanda does not open (shitty hostess) and rejects. She’s too ill.
At the poky little table Lipsa tries explaining the Munchausen talk emerged over the barrage of sick-selfies/well-selfies. Yolanda interrupts with a cutting, “And why do you think I post those photos?” then starts lecturing Lipsa about “Hollywood friends”. Those very same Hollywood Friends Yolanda is demanding ‘take care of her’.
Lipsa seems genuinely apologetic but instead of ACCEPTING THAT APOLOGY, Yolanda is demanding Lipsa kiss her feet. (And we’ve seen enough of those toes!) Lisa rambles about being less impulsive, but she’s only human. “Stop judging people until you’re perfect,” lectures Yolanda.
So couple things (actually like 1 million things. I did a long diatribe about Yolanda last week):
1) Yolanda clearly holds herself in much higher esteem than she does the other women, and always has, but what makes Ms. two failed marriages and no job so perfect? Lipsa has a loving husband, a long self-established professional career, and friends she’s not begging to care about her. Plus she’s not desperately trying to keep up with a smoke and mirrors facade of perfection! 2) Yolanda is the most judgmental person on this show. If anyone so much as questions her, her illness, her decisions, her beliefs, her marriage – anything – she gets super defensive and filibusters the conversation. 3) watching Yolanda nibble on that cookie with the fake nausea act was ridiculous. 4) Lisa has nothing to apologize. Why are these women so afraid of upsetting Yolanda? 5) Yolanda knows what Munchausen is, and, for that split second, she looked ‘caught’ – she knows VERY WELL who suggested that word to Lipsa. Now the real excitement is if Lipsa’s lips are gonna sink that ship…
The other revealing part of this conversation was the different side of Lipsa, one more cunning about the game than I expected. She knew very well what she was doing, going in there all fake groveling and weepy apologetic begging ‘the queen’ for penance. Lipsa wasn’t buying her own BS, and she couldn’t flee Yolanda’s fast enough. ME. EITHER. I wish she would have posted a selfie, standing outside Yolanda’s condo building, with the #Freedom #MunchausenExists #AskQuestions #SunOnMyLips #HonestyIsTheBestPolicy #LivingMyTruth #LymeAwareness
When Lipsa left, Yolanda retired to her bathrobe to post another sickie, pretending she hadn’t left the house in years. Is anyone worried that Gigi and Yolanda are gonna become Grey Gardens in a couple decades?
Finally it’s Burlesque Party. It’s Kyle’s Tarty and she’ll do splits if she wants to. Also it’s Kyle’s Tarty and she’ll subject us to Faye if she wants to. Personally I don’t think Kyle should be modeling her super-sexy outfit for her 7-year-old, nor do I think Kyle’s 19-year-old daughter should be attending the party in her own burlesque costume. Maybe I’m a prude?
Of all the looks, Erika and Lipsa killed it. Loved the top hats and they majorly got into the spirit. Taylor Armstrong got the invite confused when she came out in full dead-doll drag makeup. As always, trying too hard for attention!
Kathryn and Erika seem to be getting along, discussing why women need to keep their guard up, but then Erika drops the C-U-Next-Tuesday word which makes Kathryn’s skirt flare up. She lectures Erika on being “too beautiful” for such coarse language, but Erika, eyebrow lift, is unapologetic and promises she’ll keep using it – more prevalently in Kathryn’s presence naturally
Finally Faye appears. LVP is nice to her. Faye clamors to escape LVP mentally holding her in her clutches, thus putting her on edge. Faye blushes and her highlighter skin turns burnt sienna.
Kyle does split after split and dry-humps Mauricio on the dance floor. Camille Grammer busts out her MTV dance club moves. Lipsa regales the ladies about why she’s had the same hair for 20-years: She just wants Harry Hamlin to f–k her! (Take that Brandi G!)
Kyle, exhausted from constantly attention-seeking, and constantly trying to prevent her boobs from escaping her too-tight corset, takes a break on the setee to discuss the party with LVP. Kyle is impressed LVP was nice to Faye – apparently Kyle forgets that LVP never actually makes a scene – that’s not her style, her style is much more covert. Kathryn, overhearing, has some choice words about Faye. Even if Faye is a changed woman, Kathryn can’t get over how she capitalized on Nicole’s death. Kathryn was also surprised to learn that Kyle became friends with Faye right after she published the salacious book.
Kyle complains tat Kathryn is judging Faye. Kyle defends all of Faye’s behaviors, but doesn’t want to discuss her – even though Kyle wants to repeatedly subject us to Faye and repeatedly talks about Faye. What Kyle actually doesn’t want to discuss is Faye’s misdeeds. You are the company you keep, so perhaps Kyle shouldn’t keep company with characters that have pissed off so many people?
While Kyle and Kathryn bicker over Faye, LVP calmly touches up her makeup. For once, Kyle can’t accuse LVP of forcing someone to do her bidding, because Kathryn has a genuine reason for disliking Faye that far precedes Lisa’s!
Yet that doesn’t stop Kyle from blaming Lisa! Downstairs she yells at Lisa for not calling Kathryn off, and complains Kathryn is rude to complain about Kyle’s friend while attending Kyle’s party. She thinks Lisa should have defended her by requesting Kathryn change the subject.
Lisa nonchalantly shrugs that people are allowed to have their own opinion, plus she likes Kathryn. Basically Kyle shouldn’t demand Lisa act as her protector – isn’t that what Kyle has Faye for anyway?!
Kyle warns Lisa, “Remember what happened last time you liked the new girl more than me?” OH Kyle… what does Faye have over you? Afraid it might come out in a book?!
TELL US – WAS ERIKA BEING MESSY BY TELLING YOLANDA WHAT LVP SAID? WAS KATHRYN RUDE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT FAYE? WAS YOLANDA TOO HARD ON LIPSA?
Photo Credit: Bravo TV
