Last night on Vanderpump Rules Katie Maloney launched her beauty blog Pucker & Pout. I’ll let “Katie Maloney + makeup and fashion tips” sink in a bit before moving on… But anyways, congratulations!
Katie has been working hard to build her blog and decides to throw an industry launch party to debut it to the world, so she can begin making money. What Katie really wants, however, is an exclusive party with a tightly-controlled guest list, so she can wander around SUR pointing at people with her new Scheana Marie witch’s talon nails snapping, “Invited!” “Not Invited!” as she plucks the leaves, one by one, off Lisa Vanderpump‘s 100 year-old custom-cultivated tulips originally cuttings from Josephine Bonaparte’s garden, once watered with the blood of Napoleon (can you tell I’ve been watching War & Peace? It’s like Vanderpump Rules with more complicated names, more conniving, decent fitting clothing, more lying, and swords instead of cocktail stirrers).
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Obviously James Kennedy and Lala Kent are off the guest list. Poor Lala – it reminds her of that time in elementary school when they made her wait outside a party. Lala could smell the cake from the curb where she sat like the trash can. Wasn’t that the plot of a Roald Dahl book? There were no parents at Lala’s elementary school parties? Lala cries, but James accompanies Max and Lisa to the dentist where he starts ragey-shrieking about Jax Taylor being an embarrassment to SUR who needs to be euthanized. Also if James stopped DJing at PUMP no customers would come. Riiiiight… Lisa is all, “Excuse me – get your panties out your arse! You telling me how to run a business? You can’t even manage a relationship with Kristen Doute!”
Which brings me to Stassi Schroeder who loves couching at Kristen’s. Kristen is never home. She spends her days rambling around LA, drinking, then randomly hooking-up before wandering home at 6am to clean up before passing out on the floor in a puddle of free perfume samples, yesterday’s tequila shots, and someone else’s saliva. Stassi steps over her to access the liquor cabinet, than goes on her merry way, sitting outside SUR staring at Katie through the binoculars app on her iPhone. If only Katie would let her in. Let Stassi’s love open your door Katie!
Except: DENIED! Katie is too busy latching onto Scheana’s every mean girl breath. Scheana is now Katie’s indispensable ruler friend – she helps with her blog, assists her in throwing the launch party, and is planning Katie’s engagement party. Scheana is even hiring security to keep Stassi out of Katie’s life. In a pageant thrown in her own mind, while she pranced the SUR hallways late at night wearing high-waisted hot pants and a croptop, Scheana has anointed herself Miss SUR 2015. She will NOT let Stassi strut back into Katie’s life and cast Scheana aside! Stabbing Claire’s Boutique earrings into her Stassi Voodoo doll, Scheana cursed Stassi with a million Jaxings and Patrick publicly proclaiming her bad in bed.
Stassi doesn’t understand how she got lumped into a category of heinous people which includes Satan, Brooks Ayers, and the inventor of BumpIts. (Speaking of, Katie was wearing a BumpIt for 3/4 of this episode… ). It’s not like Stassi stole all the pinot from Southern California thus forcing these bitches to drink whiskey! She’s innocent, y’all!
Speaking of innocent, Jax is bored while suspended from SUR. He sitting on the stoop, staring at the sunset, waiting for Brittany Cartwright to come home from Hooters and bring him a Slurpee. Brittany sure picked a winner! Jax complains that Brittany’s parents are so uber-Southern they don’t even drink and they’re like some kinda religion that starts with “C” – maybe Kabala – he thinks they celebrate Kwanza. Brittany must be the black sheep in that family – working at Hooters, living in LA, and wearing lingerie as outfits to job interviews? Oh, and living with Jax. Plus paying Jax’s bills. Brittany, honey, lemme tell you about this little thing called self-esteem. In fact, maybe Kristen can tell you about it since she has some now. Allegedly.
Kristen goes on a date with Aleks, who was on the first season of Below Deck and left the show to start his own yachting company. Apparently he’s successful enough to now own two Rolexes which he uses to entice women like Kristen to move in on the first date. Yes, Kristen packed a bag and proposes sleeping… “on his couch” after their first dinner date. “We’ll see,” he says dryly. Kristen gushes from here to Magic Mountain about how manly, mature, and grownup Aleks is and she is finally FINALLY ready for adulthood with a REAL MAN.
Tom 2 is not ready for adulthood or real manhood, but he is ready to get over his fear of bartending to serve drinks at Katie’s party. A party which Kristen will be attending with Aleks, her real man boyfriend man of two minutes. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix are also attending, and lo and behold, they are not throwing tantrums because Kristen was invited, but instead are helping Katie with the preparation of said party. Adulting!
Meanwhile Katie is bemoaning the horrors of Stassi whom she can never, ever, ever forgive for abandoning her. I think Katie and Lala need a support group for their abandonment issues. Just to remind everyone: Katie absolutely refuses to even acknowledge Stassi’s texts and will never be friends with her again because Stassi ditched her for Patrick, yet Katie was yelling at Tom 1 and Ariana for holding onto their resentment and hostility towards Kristen because they need to get over it. Katie refusing to be friends with Stassi is like totally NOT the same thing, you guys! Katie is mature now, and like an adult who is a grown up engaged person who like gets complicated things. Just ask Scheana!
Not getting it. At all. Is James. James is furious when he learns Lala hooked up with her ex-boyfriend. James tells everyone – including Lisa – that Lala tossed this guy’s salad. Lisa is just like we don’t serve that at SUR, but I hope she wore gloves before touching the food!
James sent Lala a 3 foot text listing her infractions, then confronted her at SUR for being “disgusting” because she had a guy in her bed who wasn’t James. James, who brags about his one-night stands. Lala reminds him they agreed that whatever happens to his droopy dong is his business, just like whatever happens with salad is hers. James stomps off.
James needs a time out, anger management, and therapy. Lots and lots of therapy! Sadly James decided Max is his shrink, so he pour his heart out and vents all his woes and frustrations to Max, while Max works. Lisa needs to get a restraining order against James on Max’s behalf. James was so arrested develop-demented that he was ranting and whining about Lala while Max was getting dental surgery! Dude – perspective. Get some! Pass it along to Scheana when you’re finished.
The argument with Lala makes James realize he’s madly in love with Kristen (HUH?!) and he can’t live without her.
On the night of Katie’s party World’s Most Self-Absorbed and Selfish Friend Tom 1 helps bartend while Scheana runs around directing people mimicking J. Lo from The Wedding Planner. Katie arrives, late, in an unflattering romper. Meanwhile, Stassi slumps on Kristen’s bed, slurping Kristen’s backwashed cocktail, while watching her get ready and whining that she can’t go. Life is not fair and Stassi Schroeder knows it!
Not letting a little thing like an invitation or being wanted stop him, James decides he must beg Kristen for another chance and he must do that begging at Katie’s party. James’ life has fallen apart after Kristen stopped mommying him. He proposes to Max that they crash Katie’s launch. Max, who knows being Lisa’s son gives him an eternal pass, agrees. Hey – free booze and eyebrow waxing!
The party is supposedly for industry insiders but seems mostly comprised of Katie’s friends. Lisa arrives with Ken trailing her grumbling about having to be there. Lisa does what all wives do – fibs that they’ll only stay for 10 minutes. Lisa must encourage these SURvers to flee the coop, which means getting them gainfully employed somewhere else. Otherwise Vanderpump Inc. will be paying social security to the likes of Jax and Stassi and forever supporting their mooching.
To Katie’s party James wears a hood and stomps in swinging a bottle of wine (which he opens and begins drinking himself). James swaggers over to Kristen, forces an introduction upon Aleks, then requests Kristen talk with him. Kristen clutches Aleks, grabbing his face, kissing him like it’s the Titanic and this is her last kiss before drowning. She begs Aleks to look out for her in 5 minutes. “Set your watch,” she calls frantically, following James down the stairs. Instead Aleks checks his watch for how much longer he had to put up with her desperate stage-5 clingonagains.
James freaks out and berates Kristen for not loving him anymore. He accuses her of lying about how happy she is and insists he’s a man! When Kristen thinks you’re crazy it is time to seek help. IMMEDIATELY. James made no sense and Kristen was literally standing there shocked and excited, like, “OMG – someone who made me look sane! I just looked like the non-crazy one! OMG – I just looked like the rational person.” Kristen decides this is proof that she’s really changed and grown up.
Lisa praises Katie for creating her website and blows glitter up her romper about how proud of her she is for finally emancipating herself from Stassi to become an independent person. Has Lisa met Scheana? Katie admits Stassi took over her life so she wasn’t able to accomplish things. Ummm.. that sounds like Katie’s fault, not Stassi’s! Then lo and behold, in the middle of Katie’s emancipation party, Stassi texts Tom 2 asking him for a chance to explain.
Tom 2 meets Stassi, and since Stassi is about to look like an ass (and get hers handed to her) we’re treated to some footage of her ass in a thong. Better Stassi’s than James!
Over drinks, wearing, ironically rose-lensed glasses, Tom 2 rips Stassi a new one over her egotistical, entitled, bitchy behavior and basically says she not only doesn’t deserve Katie’s friendship, but everyone is well-aware that she’s only crawling back because her life is in the shitter. Stassi tries to make excuses about why she did what she did – I mean she’s not like poking holes in Jax’s condoms-horrible! – but Tom cuts her off, telling her to stop the shit. Dang – Tom 2 being assertive. I’m not sure how to take this. This is more head-scratching than seeing Kristen appear sane.
Stassi cries sulky tears, swearing to Tom that she feels so bad and is humble now. Tom 2 relents and invites Stassi to their engagement party, but warns her that Katie isn’t in the forgiving mood. Perhaps celibacy has made Tom 2 a real man? #Adulting
TELL US – DOES JAMES NEED SERIOUS HELP? DOES STASSI REALLY FEEL BAD ABOUT HURTING KATIE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
