Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: The Vault

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills no one was “really f–king good”. Loyalties were spread around like warm patè* and at the center of it all was the condescending smirk of Yolanda Foster. 

I do not like my Lisa Vanderpump fighting with my Eileen Davidson. Unequivocally my two favorite Housewives, I demand they become friends. Eileen is my Spirit Housewife, but Lisa is the Top Seat in my Fantasy Housewife League. I don’t have time for all the over-analyzing required of choosing sides. I blame Erika Jayne-Giradi and by default Yolanda for this. Erika had an extremely brief moment in the sun, didn’t she? 

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The episode opens at SoulCycle for a charity class hosted by Kyle Richards to benefit Habit For Humanity. I condone this. I do not condone Kyle acting as if she single-handedly brought SoulCycle to the West Coast to usurp Cookie Time** as the de facto Beverly Hills fundraiser. LVP begrudgingly arrived wearing hot pink pumps with natural makeup (which makes her look a thousand times fresher and prettier, I might add), she swapped them for sneakers worn with Jane Fonda-style scrunch socks. Lisa would rather build a house than break a sweat on a bike. That’s worse than breaking a sweat on a Ken Todd! When Lisa learns the class is 45 minutes, she begs to write a bigger check in exchange for 4 or 5 minutes.

The instructor of this class rivals Kyle for hair flips. He literally humped the bike WHILE FLIPPING HIS HAIR – definitely imitating an Erika Jayne video. Or is Erika Jayne imitating the SoulCyclist? #ChickOrTheEgg

Did I mention Lisa used a Niemans shopping bag as a gym bag?!  

After cycling the ladies get lunch. They compare guns over guac, then Yolanda strolls in makeup-less and carrying an enormous bouquet of pink flowers, loaded with ulterior motives, as a birthday gift for LVP. LVP appreciates the tone of the gesture.

I don’t care if I sound bitchy, but what is Yolanda trying to prove by showing up everywhere with greasy hair and no makeup? It’s hardly that challenging to sit in a makeup chair! #WeSeeYou. 

Kyle as the resident ‘investigative journalist’ this season – asking the tough questions! – wonders how things are between Yolanda and Lisa Rinna. Apparently fine? Kyle whispers to LVP she doesn’t believe that, especially considering that Yo is aware that Lisa knows about the bi-polar comment. This is immensely irritating to Yolanda, because the first thing she ever taught her girls – THE VERY FIRST THING, before potty training even! – was not to whisper at the table in front of others. How Rude!***

Kyle’s logic that it’s a “private conversation” between two girlfriends, while on TV, is as much the bull-shit as she accuses Yolanda of! Yolanda snootily questions Kyle and LVP’s renewed friendship as “suspicious.” 

Yolanda defends her comment as a metaphor to illustrate assumptions she COULD make and the dangerous labels attached to those assumptions. “If someone throws a glass of wine and sends a text that says, ‘I’m gonna f–k you up!’ I could potentially call her bipolar,” Yolanda argues. So, by Yolanda’s logic her BFF Brandi Glanville is bipolar? 

Kyle astutely points out that is the same logic Lipsa used regarding Houashcen-Maoushen, which Lipsa never actually SAID, yet Yolanda is super upset all the same.  

Yolanda decides Kyle is in the wrong for re-opening the Rinna/Foster can of worms, accusing Kyle of wronging My Fair Lyme by gossiping, and instructs Kyle to “drop it.” Then Yolanda leans forward, so Kyle can observe every pore of her makeup-less skin and issues a sneering Kim Richards-style threat, “I hold a lot in the vault, honey.” Yolanda denies it’s a threat – she has “too much integrity.” 

“That’s bull-shit, Yolanda!” yells Kyle. Cause Kyle is on some heavy truth serum provided by a Vanderpump swan bite. Yolanda clarifies she hasn’t forgotten what Lipsa said, she’s just not presently addressing it. She snidely compares it to how she’s overlooking Vanderpump “talking shit” about her children – even though she’s not over it!

That’s enough for LVP, irate, she directly calls Yolanda out, reminding her of how she defended Bella when Brandi (“the town drunk”) insinuated Bella was an alcoholic. Then Lisa leaves lunch. “Check please!” someone – probably Eileen, always the mediator – calls. 

“I would have appreciated Lisa staying here and supporting me in this moment considering Yolanda was angry with both of us,” huffs Kyle. UGH – shut up Kyle. Go do more self-reflecting, hair-flipping soul cycling. YOU started all the drama EVERYWHERE in the first place! 

Lipsa skipped this lovely luncheon to gab on Jenny McCarthy’s radio show. Naturally Jenny and Lipsa have known each other for eons. I feel like Lisa Rinna invented Hollywood. Every single person she sees has known her since the dawn of television and has an extensive history of Lipsaisms. Maybe she’s immortal? Maybe she built the Hollywood sign with her own two lips. Maybe what Harry did was swap their souls for eternal life and hair that never changes? 

Jenny and Lipsa talk dildos, Harry Hamlin, and strap-on sex. Lisa acknowledges her big mouth gets her into serious trouble, but swears it also earns her serious money. When she opens her enormous mouth – money fills it!

Kathryn Edwards decides it’s time to investigate this Erika person. She visits Erika’s for a boxing lesson and to get a tour of what happens behind the Jayne-Girardi mask. Erika is not a girl’s girl by her own admission, which is a cardinal sin in the Housewives community. It is akin to arriving at parties sans-makeup, molesting cotton candy at a 5-star hotel, and making sinister insinuations about a famous spouse to hide your drinking problem. 

Erika blames the rest of women-kind. “I’ve never been well-liked by women,” she complains. One time, Erika the sensitive child, was picked on by a group of girls, triggering an intense mistrust of fellow vagina-bearers. Yet, Erika chooses YOLANDA as one of the women she considers friends?! This makes me suspicious… 

The one woman Erika did trust was her grandmother, who passed. Opening up about their relationship Erika briefly – every so briefly – tears up. It puts a slight crackle in the perfectly shellacked glamour of Erika. Kathryn is empathetic. Then they abruptly switch topics to discuss all the ways LVP is the most untrustworthy of them all. 

While that web is spinning, Kyle invites Lipsa over to discuss the email she recently received from Yolanda! Kyle is wearing sweats to method-channel depression. 

As punishment for misbehaving at lunch Yolanda decided Kyle needed a little e-scolding (her favorite kind!), and sent a scathing email. To further the humiliation cc’d the entire cast. Kathryn finds Yolanda’s tactic annoying because they’ve all been dragged into it, whether they want to be or not! 

Yolanda’s email went like this: (my parody version, obviously – so don’t send the editor angry emails about the inaccuracy..). 

I have spent the last 3 years living in an “intensely paralyzing cocoon” which only permits me to spread my wings in five-star glamorous locales, yachts and private jets, celeb-studded engagements, and before television cameras. “I am proud of myself for making it out of bed” to come to your lunch, which allowed my “great attitude” to make thinly-veiled non-threats and condescending insinuations, which is truly not my fault because my LymeBrain shuts down in stressful situations, therefore I get jumbled and can’t say what I want to say. What I want to say would keep up the facade of how I am living on higher vibrations, immune to pettiness. Not to be confused with being immune to Lyme Disease. Which I have, and which has prevented me from holding a cell phone or typing for three years.  

“Your lack of compassion is not a pretty look.” I have eschewed makeup to physically mirror the lack of ethics in your callous soul. Please know I do everything with purpose. Except when my LymeBrain takes over. My doctor reassures me that multiple personalities are oftentimes a trait of this invisible, harrowing disease, which has robbed me of my greatest joy – listening to David’s music and driving away from its blaring symphonic presence. However, “I do not want your pity.” Only your compassion. Of which you have failed at surviving. Why have you not come over to take care of me? Petting and pampering my Lyme-addled body with support, well-wishes, And all-white floral arrangements? 

I have also cc’d Daisy, my health advocate, on this email since she will be managing all my replies once my LymeBrain takes over. Which will happen tomorrow, according to my schedule. This email has taxed me to the point of requiring another 6 months in bed, which will be billed to The My Love Lyme-Aid Foundation, which I am starting in my own honor. We are accepting donations of unconditional praise, hygienic ass-kissing, tiny painted pictures to decorate my purposefully wellness medicinal cabinet, and complete blind adoration.

I will not be able to write again because I was stricken with a temporary illiteracy co-infection after coming into contact with the scent of tulips, and the rare amoeba bacteria in their petals, while barely managing to travel through Holland. Which is your fault since I was taking you uncultured Hollywood friends to Amsterdam.

Next week I’m departing for Timbuktu to undergo Macrobiotic Cupping Transcendational Intransigence GOOPing Treatment, because Western Medicine is hooey. Follow my journey on instagram where Daisy will be posting updates via my Lyme Sticky-Note Board. #MyHealthJourney #AffordableForAll #LymeAnotherDay #TwoAlmondsSave #LifeFromTheSideLinesOfMyLovesLove #IHasIssues #DelusionIsMyCoInfection #SanityNow #DontTalkShitAboutMyChildren #GoingWithoutMakeupToRaiseAwareness #UnderEyeBagsForAll #InvisibleProblemsProblems #60PercentProblems #TooIllToPartyWithPhlebians #NotWithoutMyKing: A Battle Of Lyme & Love. #HallmarkChannelOriginal #StarringNotGigi #WhoIsAfflicted #NoMatterWhatLisaVanderLiesSays #HollywoodFriendsSuck #HeresFlowersInfectedWithLyme  #HappyBirthdayBitchDontGetLyme #ANotThreatFromTheVault #LoveLymeAndHypocrites 

By the way, I’d like to remind you I haven’t read anything in 3 years. Except you, Kyle. I have now read you. This email was the first thing I’ve written since I left Paris that time I carried Kim’s poopy pillow through an airport (and placed it in my VAULT, and as you know this is not a threat, since my integrity does not allow that). Writing this was an enormous feat for my LymeBrain. I will also be sending you a bill for compromising my health by forcing me to stretch my tender brain – ravaged by silicone and wrenched from its cocoon to suffer for my children’s journey. For if it not for their Lyme Journey I would have hurled myself off the cliffs of Malibu using Grammys as weights. 

Meanwhile on Shady Grove Lane, Erika compares LVP to a sniper who “engages from the side” because she doesn’t want to leave fingerprints. My goodness the Giradis are fast and loose with the metaphors. Last week LVP was an alligator! What’s next a kid-shit-talker who plays chess?! Erika also believes LVP crafts situations to her advantage, pinpointing the affair conversation with Eileen in the Hamptons. Erika’s suspicion was reinforced by what LVP said about Yolanda’s children. 

“I will be your first genuine woman friend,” Kathryn promises Erika, before running off to tattle to LVP about everything Erika said. Who’s the spider?

Lipsa is floored by Yolanda’s email. “None of it makes sense,” she sighs. “It is passive-aggression at its finest. And projection. There’s something else going on… ” Lipsa declares Yolanda’s “empty threat” as mean and vicious. “And only pussies do that,” she glares. Thems fighting’ words. Lymes better get outta her coddled bed and hitch up them boxing gloves! 

Lipsa leaves Lyme behind to go put on her Mrs. Harry Hamlin hat to attend a slew of Emmy parties. 

LVP decompresses over lunch with Ken (who is still going forward with plans to turn a sex shop into pub). Ken and Lisa are so great together! Lisa is reeling over Yolanda’s accusations – especially since its not even remotely true! Yolanda is full of shit. Perniciously. Yolanda’s chastising email was the icing on the insanity cake for Lisa. 

Ken signals for another beer and resigns himself for another round of ‘Take Down Lisa‘ – let’s hope they get another restaurant promotion and spinoff out of the deal! 

Luckily next week the ladies will be attending a dinner party hosted by Yolanda, at a restaurant, since she hasn’t entertained in 3 years. Fun?

In the interim Lisa invited everyone for a casual birthday dinner, which is not attended by Erika, Yolanda or Lipsa. To pre-game, Lisa enjoys tea floating on a giant inflatable pink flamingo.

As the ladies arrive in she escorts them to her backyard wine bar. I jelly-hate Lisa and feel a jelly urge to stab an inflatable flamingo until it pops, but that makes me feel a shade of Boozdi Glanville which makes me feel worse. Then she introduces everyone to the newest dog she’s collected. Animal Hoarders is filming at Villa Rosa next week. 

Dinner is served on the lanai, while ponies amble amid the crispy rice and roasted chicken. First everyone reacts to Yolanda’s e-scolding. LVP is happy that Kyle is defending her against Yolanda’s accusations. LVP’s triumph is unseated when Kathryn shares what was discussed over boxing with Erika, which was basically a warning against getting caught in LVP’s web. Kyle cackles that Lisa has cobwebs down there.

LVP is shocked that Erika would implicate her in such chicanery. Is Erika trying to put the scent off herself? Cause DAMN these two are dastardly twins operating on the same level of soap-scheming and takes one to know one ish. (PLEASE BECOME ALLIES!) 

Time for my Housewives Crystal Ball. Undoubtedly Erika Jayne-Girardi and her rhinestoned-veneer will be cracked and eviscerated this season because she found herself caught in Yolanda’s web (which has Lyme, cause you can get Lyme from spider bites according to a new study from Sick-Selfie Labs)! Housewives 101 – choose your friends wisely, but your enemies more wisely! Obviously, Erika will return next season, to redeem herself, and will have ditched her one true gal-pal Yolanda.

Eileen is dubious about Kathryn’s motives for revealing the information, although she concedes Erika’s assessment is on-point. While LVP wonders about Erika’s distrust – naturally blaming Yolanda – Eileen suggests it has something to do with their affair conversation from the Hamptons.  

Eileen, questions LVP for taking a defensive stance, instead of understanding, and then issuing a “not super-sincere apology.” Eileen, brave little Housewife raised on the blood of dastardly soap villains, identifies out one of LVP’s webby patterns, of minimizing and “glossing over things to just carry on.” I see Eileen’s point in making the connection, but the timing was off. LVP is already defensive in this group, and that furthered her suspicions that some sort of conspiracy. 

Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t spin webs, so much as she constructs plexiglass walls. You can see her, and even see INSIDE, but you can’t penetrate. True to form, Lisa shuffles away from addressing Eileen’s points by overly-involving herself in passing around food and Eileen again notices that this is another one of LVP’s deflections.

Dr. Eileen, at your service to put all your Housewifey shenanigans in perspective. 

“What upsets me, is just trying to talk to you, you feel like I’m attacking you,” Eileen admits. Lisa apologizes for everything she can possibly think of and wonders what more she can do. Eileen insists she doesn’t want an apology, she just wanted to have a sincere discussion with a woman she presumed was her friend.

“Are we good?” quizzes Lisa. “We’re GOOD,” agrees Eileen, not batting an eye. “Cause I need to make sure we’re really f–king good!” Lisa demands, pointing her finger at Eileen. 

Interesting. Just by being direct, consistent, and concise in her point, Eileen has gotten the most out of Lisa of any of the ladies. She’s actually breaking down those walls. Eileen for President Of The Housewives Federation! Eileen feels she and Lisa will likely never be friends. Too bad – Eileen seems exactly the type of friend LVP would want and need. 

TELL US – DID KYLE DESERVE YOLANDA’S EMAIL? WAS KATHRYN STIRRING THE POT OR KEEPING IT REAL? DID LVP OVER-REACT TO EILEEN’S DISCUSSION?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

*Please tell me someone got my Heathers reference! 

** Please tell me someone got my Troop Beverly Hills reference! Which is, unequivocally, my favorite movie EVER. 

*** Please tell me you got my Stephanie Tanner reference from Full House. Coming soon to Netflix near you! 

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