On part 3 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion, James Kennedy gave out “ass holes” galore. Most of them deserved. Although James calling anyone an asshole is the very definition of “irony” – look it up in the Bravo Dictionary! Far from being The White Kanye West, James is more accurately the less stupidly-haired Donald Trump.
Alas, before James opens his can of asshole with the index finger of doom, Stassi Schroeder argues with Lisa Vanderpump about her sex tape. Did we ever figure out why the hell Stassi Does Dildos is only worth $900? Honestly I would expect it to be more like $9.99 clearance, but I mean, whatever whets your whistle! Stassi accuses Lisa of asking her parents to repay the money, and is furious Lisa didn’t demand Stassi’s”ex-boyfriend” sign a contract after getting paid, nor did LVP get the footage back. Exactly what was Stassi doing while Lisa was combing the slums of Beverly Hills like an Archer episode to recon a sex tape absolutely no one but Scheana Marie wanted to watch?
No one cares about Stassi and her sex tape, (except for Kristen Doute, who keeps trying to interrupt until Lisa instructs her to “shut up”).
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What we do care about is how Stassi started dating Patrick a fresh-faced 20-something, yet emerged a 45-year old from one of those Cougar Life dating site commercials? Girl – the hair, the lips, the tanorexia, the desperate hob globbin’ boobs – it’s all aging!
What’s not aging is the maturity of these people’s personalities! Stassi claims she groveled to Tom 2 first because he’s level-headed, but Tom 1 was quick to point out that Stassi chose Tom 2 because he’s a big old lovable softy of a pushover, who surprised her by having a spine he temporarily inserted after ‘borrowing’ it from Lisa’s house.
Tom 1 is not seeing through Stassi’s BS that she was legit sorry when she was crying real tears about how much Katie Maloney means to her. Stassi complains that she never thinks people have ulterior motives or that they are apologizing to her just to get something. Stassi is a terrible liar – unlike Jax Taylor. To the group’s credit no one burst out laughing.
After a period where Scheana and Stassi didn’t speak for months, when Scheana probably fretted, and worried, and called Ariana Madix every day to whine about how Stassi was abandoning her, they finally reconnected at Katie’s 30th birthday (where everyone probably continued to act 13), and now they text everyday. Apparently Stassi has accepted that Scheana is “needy” – oh, “needy” is the new narcissism, is it? Scheana – have you heard of shame? Rhetorical question, obviously.
There is much hubbub over Ariana complaining about Kristen dabbling in “sketch comedy”. Ariana sulks, pouts. and worries her pretty little head that Kristen may be funnier than she is. Honestly I can’t imagine either one of them being ‘funny’ per se, since both Kristen and Ariana take their ish too seriously. This argument has nothing to do with comedy and everything to do with Kristen and Ariana hating each other forever and ever until Tom 1 marries them both and they become hipster sister wives. Which would be amazing television…
Ariana doubly-doesn’t care that Rachel with her “lame” jokes doesn’t like her. In fact, Ariana cares about being liked by Rachel about as much as she cares about being liked by a Trump supporter. Or James! Andy laughed out loud at the comment as Kristen’s head spun around, exorcist style, and Stassi’s cotton candy fluff hair frizzed even fluffier.
Tequila Katie joins the group to explain how she’s allowed to throw tantrums and say horrible things cause she’s Katie! Barf. Katie calling Tom 1 and Ariana out for being miserable and hostile = laughable. Katie deciding it’s OK to verbally abuse her fiancee over text message because he called her immature antics out = beyond pathetic. Scheana Marie instructing Tom 2 to “coddle, hold, and hug” Katie when she’s in a rage-state, as if Katie is a toddler who didn’t get her banana sliced the right way is absolutely idiotic. Maybe Scheana and Katie should ride off into a narcissistic Lisa Frank sunset, where sparkly unicorns with evil glints in their hot pink eyes (the kin of Stassi Schroeder?) lead them to the rainbow of doom. What exactly is the appeal of Katie? Also, for all her complaining that Ariana is a grumpy bitch who doesn’t like to play on teams, Katie constantly has poop in her pants over everything!
Tom 2 should not forgive these antics. I was also glad to see Tom 1 remind Katie that the way she treats him and Ariana is atrocious. #FreeTom2 Also, Jax, I have to burst your DD-sized bubble: Tom 2’s the number one guy. You’re barely clinging to fourth behind Peter Madrigal.
Oh, bother now it’s time to discuss Kristen’s trouble with the truth and what may or may not have happened on a Beamer, in a Beamer, or beside a Beamer with James. Oh James, that little whippet is all mouth and hot air which he is spewing all over the Vanderpump Rules reunion. I somewhat have to admire someone who can evoke so much fury just by shrugging his shoulders, shrieking, and smirking. That’s some skillz, to pay the billz, amirite!? Lisa knows I’m right!
When it comes to Kristen and James banging on the Beamer, Kristen claims she and Carter had just “met,” then circles back to admitting they were dating, but not boyfriend/girlfriend yet, then slips when she shares her dread of confessing to him. Kristen apparently begged James not to tell her fiends about their break-up boning, but she insists he was blackmailing her “for months” to keep quiet.
Luckily Kristen empowered herself by spilling. Katie, Stassi, and Scheana both scream that James is “disgusting” for putting Kristen on blast. I do think James went too far with his insults, but it’s difficult to find a credible Kristen defense in the scenario given that once again she’s lying and cheating on her man, but preaching that she’s changed!
James has big dreams – dreams of music festivals! Katie dismisses him as ridiculous and James erupts into one of his tantrums ranting that Pucker & Pout is a complete joke. Also a joke, Scheana Marie – everything Scheana Marie. Well, sometimes even James gets it right! #SolidGoldSnark
Kristen has no good reasons for why she banged James (but she does give many f–ks about it happening and people knowing). Apparently she saw herself in him and believed she could “help him.” Well unless her therapist was in the glove box of the Beamer, I doubt it! And even then…
James and Kristen rehash how James got fired from PUMP. James blames Kristen for provoking him at work by taunting him about all the BJs she’s giving Carter. Le sigh. Lisa does wonder why Kristen is showing up at PUMP with all the bars in WeHo. Ummmmmm… Vanderpump Rules contract? Bottom line: James and Kristen are a toxic mess. I swear when they are in the same room together they create radioactive gasses.
Jax and James barely refrain from assaulting each other across Andy and Lisa’s laps. Jax seems far more legit angry towards James, whereas James seems to just genuinely enjoy pissing off Jax. James accuses Jax of being jealous of his youthful swagger. The only thing to be jealous of James over is his impenetrable delusion – if you’re into that sort of thing.
Jax diagnoses James’ issue being that he tries to hang out with all of them who are 30+, yet James doesn’t act 30+. And exactly WHO in Jax’s group does act 30+? Jax doesn’t even know what real 30-year-olds do? None of them do – as evidenced by the fact that they hate Ariana and Tom for not wanting to forever be 21, and distancing themselves from ‘monkey see, money do group think.’
Then James gets his moment in the sun to scream “asshole,” bestowing it upon the group like an evangelical preacher gives out savings. Lala mutters that she can’t stand Katie. I imagine James’ opinion was as well received as a free PUMP CD!
On the topic of Katie and Tom 2‘s engagement party, where Katie dressed like a table cloth from the Jr. League rummage sale, shockingly Lala Kent apologizes for interrupting Kristen’s speech. Katie whines that Lala only interrupted because she doesn’t like like Kristen (Lala blamed anxiety and alcohol). Despite all, Lala next apologizes to Katie for her rude behavior, and then apologies for pushing Kristen at the PUMP after party! Lala admits she’s embarrassed. Well, look who is acting 30+! (Jax – take note!) Lala can be so much more mature than the rest of this dysfunctional group.
As things wind down, Andy catches James texting. James whines that Andy didn’t mention his PUMP CD. Andy doesn’t bother to hide his annoyance.
James also ruined Lala’s life after he outed her for giving her ex a rim job. Now Lala’s ex, who she’s know since she was 19, no longer speaks to her. The worst part was Lisa getting an education in what the youngins are doing in the bedroom! “I don’t lick Ken’s arse,” she whispers to Andy, who cringes. The re-education of Lisa Vanderpump also included brainwashing as she praised the cast for the “incredible amount of growth” they’ve undergone this season. Lisa calls it their most honest year yet, except for Jax who is still a liar.
Andy closes by asking LVP who she thinks will get engaged next. She hopes Tom 1 will propose to Sulkiana. Jax, who had his fingers crossed that he wouldn’t draw the short-straw of the engagement storyline next season, lets out a sigh of relief.
TELL US – IS JAMES RIGHT: EVERYONE’S AN ASSHOLE? DOES KATIE DESERVE TOM 2?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
