Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Did you love it? I kinda loved it – it had all the right elements: one supremely delusional crazy mean girl, fun-loving weirdo besties, a gal with secrets up the wazoo in her closet, a plastic surgeon’s wife (and bizarre-seeming marriage). I’m here for this. Hand me a pair of spurs – lets prod these bitches!
In Dallas, the houses are huge, but the fashions and hair are Real Housewives Of Orange County circa 2008: satin, rhinestones, single-platform peeptoe Loubs. There is also a lot of frosted eyeshadow.
First we meet Brandi Redmond, who is unofficially the ‘star.’ Brandi, a redhead, is married to her JUNIOR HIGH sweetheart Brad (also a redhead), and they have two redheaded daughters who sit on the counter, one of whom wants to join the circus. Which makes her like the future LeeAnne Locken, former carny-child turned wannabe socialite.
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Brandi is a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Brad plans to be a multi-millionaire by 40 (doing what we’re not sure) – according to Brandi, this means Brad will probably die on a golf course and be buried in the hole. Brad travels a lot which leaves Brandi lots of time to swill “Jesus Juice” and make fart jokes with her BFF Stephanie Hollman.
Stephanie is married to Travis, who grew up rich and wished for a Stepford wife (Stephanie says he wants to be married to Betty Draper, who would care for 6 kids while simultaneously making martinis, but I think Stephanie meant Donna Reed, because Betty Draper would be ignoring the kids while chain smoking, spite-shopping, shooting birds in the backyard, and leaving Travis for a future senator with a bigger bank account.).
Instead of Stepford, Travis met Stephanie while drunk and the beer googles never came off. Stephanie grew up in an itty bitty town in Oklahoma, with deeply religious parents, who didn’t dance or drink. She rebelled by finding Jesus in the “juice” and love amid the toilet jokes. Her main skills appear to be disappointing Travis and farting on command.
Stephanie has two boys, who have inherited her love of fart jokes, and have a fascination with poop. One way Stephanie is Betty Draper is the whole not watching her kids things. She recounts a story of finding one of her sons flinging handfuls of dog poop into the pool. Which she finds hilarious. Stephanie is basically Brandi Glanville before Eddie left her and she went totally insane.
Stephanie and Travis live on the third hole of the Four Seasons golf course, so I’m wondering why the grounds crew wasn’t on poop patrol. Likely because they were avoiding other nefarious things Stephanie and Travis may be doing with the extra hole. Stephanie was probably emitting toxic farts from it while Brandi laughed until she peed herself, and because the only liquid these two consume appears to be wine, they possibly drank the pee since Jesus creates wine and when he’s not saving people runs a vineyard. This is Brandi’s philosophy, anyway.
Travis travels a lot for work and leaves Stephanie chores to complete to ‘earn her keep’. Brandi comes over to help program the new garage door openers. Too bad Stephanie can’t even open wine without smacking herself in the face. Maybe Jesus is trying to tell her the Devil is in the wine? But seriously – gotta get a Rabbit Automatic!
Sure enough, it took Brandi and Stephanie several attempts to open the ladder, followed by lots of jabbing aimlessly at the buttons, before giving up and deciding to play with her kids ride-on toy.
Moving on to LeeAnne. Oh LeeAnne. LeeAnne can be summed up as: self-important, delusional, and in need of help. “In need of help,” not to be confused with “charity,” which LeeAnne does. LeeAnne’s entire life revolves around the Dallas charity circuit; she helps socialites arrange them because of her wealth of connections (her only wealth), and attends them pretending to be the host. LeeAnne is neither rich, nor married, and is vaguely intimidating in a desperate attempt to bury her carny roots. In short, LeeAnne wanted to get attention from the socialite crowd, so she made herself Dallas charity circuit’s ‘The Help’.
It’s unclear if LeeAnne actually has a job. The only thing she talks about is charities: attending them, how many she’s involved in, instructing others how to behave at them, letting everyone know how indispensable she is, pretending she’s the one raising money, planning her life around galas. Basically she should change her name to CharitLee. She should also remind herself that charity begins at home. Instead, LeeAnne is likely hoping all the “B as in Billionaires” and “M as in Millionaires” will realize that she’s the charity that starts in their home so they should just cut her checks and possibly let her reside there as the unofficial self-appointed charity mascot.
LeeAnne is dating a cop (with a badge – and cowboy boots!) named Rick, who won’t marry her, but is hot. They have several dogs and their house is normal. Exactly what is this crazy ass woman’s deal?!
As Cary Deuber says, “How do you get a job drinking and socializing all day? Maybe I should look into that.” But in the meantime, Cary is surgical nurse married to her third husband (this woman is all of like 30-something), who happens to be Dr. Mark Deuber, the Boob Jesus of Dallas. “Boobs by Deubs” is their motto (it rhymes).
Cary knew Mark before she married him – in fact, she was such close friends with his family they attended her second wedding. A marriage, I presume, that didn’t last very long? In Dallas, everyone believed they were having an affair (She was merely stalking his surgical practice begging him to hire her. Which he did, and so much more!). Now Cary’s essentially the Boob Goddess of Dallas? Boob Archangel? Despite that Cary forgot to wear underwear under her scrubs in the operating room, she seems pretty normal and fun. The only normal-ish person on this show.
Finally, Tiffany Hendra. She’s besties with LeeAnne (for 25 or 30 years, depending on who you ask), and was once a successful model in L.A. Unfortunately she was also very successful at hard partying and got too caught up in the “coke and the Cristal”. Aaron, her Aussie-rocker husband who is rocking bad imitation Keith Urban hair, supported and saved her. Now they’re in Texas so she can reconnect with her roots and escape the party scene. Unfortunately, neither of them have too much going on in the jobs department.
To convince Aaron to like Dallas, Tiffany takes him to buy him his first Texas guitar. Apparently being near guitars requires Tiffany to wear a Brett Michaels‘ bandana, which is ironic because that girl would SOOOO be on Rock Of Love! Aaron sings, Tiffany cried, I cringed and wondered if he’d heard of V0-5 Hot Oil. Aaron’s music must sound better with Tiffany’s ears compressed under the bandana.
Since Real Housewives Of Dallas revolves about charity, how one must give in order to receive, Cary hosts a trunk show for a program that pays for reconstructive breast surgeries after cancer. Very sweet. As a cancer survivor herself, Cary and Mark often perform these surgeries for the organization.
Even though this is NOT LeeAnne’s event, nor her charity, she arrives early to micromanage, oversee, and silently judge Cary’s efforts. Brandi and Stephanie come poised to have party and shop for a cause, unfortunately too many glasses of champagne has them talking about poop over horderves as LeeAnne shoots them scathing looks for their inappropriate “Plano” behavior. Per LeeAnne, Charity Maestro, they only came for the socializing and the cocktails and don’t take charity seriously enough – not like she, High Priestess Of Pseudo-Giving. Did they shop? Then they took it seriously enough. Furthermore Cary wasn’t bothered.
Right away, it’s clear LeeAnne does not like Brandi and they’ll battle it out for HBICCC: Head Bitch In Charge Of Charity Circuit.
LeeAnne goes home to complain to Rick, over Trader Joe’s pre-packaged meals, that Brandi is immature and has no business being involved in the charity scene. Brandi admits she and Stephanie have been occupied raising children, so, yes, the charity events are away to get out of the house. So what if they have fun while drinking for a good cause!
Since this is Dallas and charity is the lay of the land, the women then head over to an event hosted by LeeAnne’s friend Marie, a former promotional model who married an Angel (seriously her husband’s name is Angel) and now has a big ol’ mansion. LeeAnne is Marie’s First Mate, which means organizing food and arranging while Marie flirts with guests. Always by LeeAnne’s side, the Smee to her Captain Hook, is Tiffany.
LeeAnne is in a crotchety mood because a little bird informed her that Brandi has been “mimicking” her. Sure enough, Stephanie arrives at Brandi’s to get ready for the event and confesses to telling Cary about Brandi’s spot-on LeeAnne impression. And it is hilarious!
LeeAnne has a way of aggressively nodding while grunting “mmmmmmm-hmmmmmm” when people are discussing their donations or charitable endeavors. Brandi does a spot-on impersonation. Her motives for the mean girl mimicry: LeeAnne is rude to her. They’ve met at several events, but each time LeeAnne pretends they’ve never been introduced. Predicting that Cary has told others, Brandi knows her ship is sunk and prepares to deal with LeeAnne.
Brandi reveals that people are “intimidated” by LeeAnne, who bullies her way in, and commands control by being the loudest person in the room, but also deploying passive-aggressive tactics that make others uncomfortable. Sure enough, within minutes of Brandi walking through Marie’s door, Tiffany has sidled over to confront Brandi about the mimicking, as LeeAnne lurks behind Tiffany’s shoulder being condescending and subtly threatening.
Brandi is uncomfortable but refused to indulge to LeeAnne’s demand that she perform the imitation. Leanne strolls away. But, like an evil Disney witch is watching: watching and waiting… Cary consoles Brandi, and quick as a flash, LeeAnne is back, smirking that they better consider themselves warned. “Y’all sure don’t have much to say,” she hisses, smirking, believing she’s instilled the fear of Jesus in them. “Actually, I do,” Brandi remarks, and escorts LeeAnne to a nearby sofa to talk.
Brandi says LeeAnne “needs help” for her attention-seeking messiness and is using charities to draw attention to herself when she is NOT the cause. Well at least not the planned cause! For instance, at a recent HIV gala, as the survivors were sharing their stories, LeeAnne monopolized things with her own story which had no relevance or purpose! Brandi realized LeeAnne is hijacking the charity events to make herself seem relevant. LeeAnne is floored by the accusation and defensive. Through narrowed eyes, she wonders if Brandi is calling her “pathetic”. Uh – DUH!
Brandi reiterates that she thinks LeeAnne “needs help”. Stephanie comes over to back her bestie, but it’s clear she doesn’t have the spine to go up against The Whip of a ride that is LeeAnne, dropping the bottom out from under people to make their stomachs lurch in her presence.
LeeAnne argues that Brandi and Stephanie don’t take charity seriously, so Brandi points out that LeeAnne attends all these events, judging everyone, yet never pays to host (or donate, presumably), while she’s criticizing their contributions! Despite Stephanie insisting that Brandi is funny and never meant malice with her imitation, LeeAnne feels attacked and doesn’t think it was very kind (she’s right about that!). Brandi doesn’t back down. Battle lines = drawn.
Stephanie and Brandi leave. LeeAnne storms into the kitchen, Tiffany by her side, to start washing dishes. Look – she donated!
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF RHOD SO FAR? WHO ARE YOU LIKING AND DISLIKING? ARE YOU ON BRANDI’S SIDE OR LEEANNE’S?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
