The blessed event is upon us: the day Briana Renee remarries the Clyde to her Bonnie, the Ride to her Die, Matt Ericson (aka Matthew Aaric Grundhoffer). While some of the Little Women: LA ladies are left off of the guest list celebrating their good fortune, one former friend seemingly ambushes Briana’s big day to…show her undying loyalty? Worm her way back into Briana’s life? Get more camera time? Perhaps all of the above! In any case, when Christy McGinity Gibel shows up at Briana’s wedding unannounced, Briana is forced to decide whether to forgive or forget her.
Terra Jole and Jasmine Sorge are taking a stroll through the woods contemplating the mess Terra has made of her life. After the police report and media coverage of Terra hitting Christy in the head with a glass, Terra sees no need to make amends with her. As for Briana, Terra wants an apology for all of her past lies, but that ain’t gonna happen. So it looks like that’s bridge #2 burned. Jasmine tears up through her hundred foot eyelashes, confessing that she is stressed to the max being Briana’s matron of honor. In further sad news, Briana may not have invited her family to the wedding despite claiming she “wanted to.” Whatever that means.
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Blissfully unaware of Jasmine’s stress level, Briana drags Elena Gant along to try on her wedding dress. Visibly pregnant, Briana wants to avoid looking like a “bloated mermaid” on her wedding day. But the dress she has chosen sort of does…just that. Elena is not a fan.
Oh, Briana! Where is a Lifetime-assigned stylist when a girl needs one!?! Elena is too kind to share her totally honest opinion of the dress, but she does give Briana some tips to dial down the peacock headgear and red lipstick a notch. Will Briana listen to this sage advice? Hell to the no! Bonnie listens to NO sage advice, whether it comes from friend or foe!
Over at Christy’s house, she’s apparently recovered from her death’s-door concussion and multiple brain lesions, but is now mourning the fact that Briana still didn’t invite her to the wedding. Briana was Christy’s maid of honor back in the day. My, how the world has turned! Todd enters the scene to confess that he just talked to Matt, who informed them that he’d like to “surprise” Briana with a secret wedding invitation to Christy and Todd. Christy is all “Yay!” But Todd (rationally) looks scared as hell about this shady as hell plan. “Do you think surprising Briana is a good idea?” chirps Christy. Todd deadpans, “Why. Not.” #FreeTodd! #Browbeaten
At an eye specialist, Tonya Banks is getting a consultation about her lazy eye. She needs to fix her vision and eye alignment to correct her double vision, then take on eye alignment muscle surgery later. But Tonya wants lasik now! She can’t have lasik without the alignment surgery, and vice versa. She doesn’t know who to believe. But she has brought along her trusty sidekick, Terra, to help her avoid any serious decision making about her EYESIGHT. Instead, they shall discuss the non-relationship Tonya has with her ex, Kerwin! Because: #Priorities, Terra advises Tonya to get off the Kerwin merry go round because it is broken waaaaaaay the hell down. Call the carnies in. Ride = over. Tonya is so desperate for love that she’s not ready to jump off just yet though. She ain’t leavin’ til she’s heavin’.
Terra visits Elena to shop, and to discuss birthing babies. Elena wants to try a vaginal birth, but Terra is all “Are you INSANE! You are PSEUDO!” (Elena’s type of dwarfism) She advises Elena to talk to her OB about safe birthing options for little people – especially little people having twins. Elena is hopeful about her options despite Terra warning her that her vagina is going to rip to her belly button. (Speaking of vaginas ripping to belly buttons, confirmation is in that Terra is pregnant with baby #2!)
It’s already wedding day! As Briana gets her hair and face did, she fills Jasmine in on the friend, “Lisa,” who’ll be walking her down the aisle…because no family members have been invited. This is just sad, no matter what the circumstances are. Jasmine is visibly sad for Briana too, but Briana doesn’t want to talk about it. Of course. Jasmine is getting wise to the fact that no matter what anyone says or thinks, Briana will ultimately do what Briana wants to do.
Jasmine went ahead and did what Jasmine wanted to do when it came to her matron of honor dress though, as she chose a fittingly themed black dress instead of the red one Briana expected. Briana only has herself to blame, thinks Jasmine, since she was incommunicado the past week. This wedding is rushed, the theme is goth, the couple in question have isolated themselves from the majority of their friends and family. So, a black funeral dress it is! Oh, this is rich. And tragic-comic, in a warped Bonnie and Clyde fifth dimension sort of way.
Speaking of tragi-comedies, Tonya is at home delusionally Skyping with Kerwin (where’s his lady friend while he’s getting his secret Skype on, hmmmm?). Is Kerwin ready to make a decision about moving their relationship forward? Kerwin asks if Tonya is in love with him. She just laughs. More importantly, she wants to know if Kerwin has broken up with his lady friend? Yeahhhhhh, he says unconvincingly. And he’s ready to start things up with Tonya now. Tonya’s like, “Alrighty!” Then closes her laptop. The deed is done. Well, this ain’t The Notebook, I realize. But the sheer lack of romance in that scene was just downright…depressing.
Back at wedding/funeral procession central, Briana finally accepts Jasmine’s dour black frock with a grimace, hoping that this is “the worst thing that will happen” today. Cue Christy’s entrance! (Nice timing, producers. We seeeeeee you!) As Christy peeps around the door, Briana is suddenly all smiles. Christy tells her that Matt called to invite her, which Briana thinks came from a “good place,” so she’s rolling with it. Christy tugs at Briana’s heartstrings, reminiscing about how much Briana helped her – with cheese and crackers, yo! – on her wedding day. She launches into helpful mode with Briana – does she want water? Does she need a back rub? Does she want her to sue the pants off of Terra Jole? Done! Christy bids Briana adieu with a kiss on the cheek, leaving to join the other attendees.
Briana seems pleased with this turn of events, hoping Christy is truly happy for her. Jasmine has reservations though, noting that Christy is a people pleaser. Jasmine is showing her a$$ here a bit, and her pot-stirring ways. SHE’s the matron of honor! SHE’s the one decked out in head-to-toe funeral black. Now Christy walks in and wants to reminisce about old times? Aw, hell nah! Jasmine doesn’t like this plot twist, methinks.
Someone else not too happy about Christy’s presence is Elena. She questions Matt’s motives, especially since he seems to side with Briana on not mending fences with her OWN FAMILY. The things Christy has said about Briana and Matt, after all, can’t be any worse than Briana’s family has said. Christy starts to evaluate the situation herself too, noticing all of the empty seats at the wedding. If she hadn’t dragged her family here, she says, “this place would be a ghost town!” Hmmm. Maybe Matt couldn’t pay extras to fill the rows? Christy is suspicious. And sad. The word of the day is, after all, sad. Sad, sad, sad.
The ceremony begins with Matt’s son Aaric and Briana’s daughter Leiana leading the procession (where is Matt’s other son? Doesn’t he have two? Or three? I am having crazy amnesia on this right now…#PTSD). As rando-friend Lisa walks Briana down the aisle to Matt, we are treated to a montage of #BonnieAndClydeRideOrDie ridiculousness, including a shot of their comical matching tattoos. I can’t even.
Matt wipes away a tear as Briana joins him. The officiant asks for objections, aaaaaaannnnnnd. Crickets. Because Christy is concussed!? There is no other feasible explanation. No objections are raised, but Christy wisely notes that the biggest objection of all – Briana’s family not even being here – speaks for itself. #Truth
Moving on to their vows, Matt asks if he can “freestyle.” Okay – I need to pause here and center myself. Alright, enough delaying! I can be strong! I shall listen to what spews forth! Matt rambles on about being on the same page and hitting the same note and being the “perfect crazy” together, finally ending with the romantic “and that BOOTY! Your booty, GIRL!” Oh. My. Lord.
As the audience visibly winces (and I dry heave just a little bit), Briana launches into her vows. “It took a week for me to know I love you,” she gushes, vowing that they’re “ride or die!” until the end. This could be the most moronic kicker to a multi-season craptastic love story ever produced on reality television. The fact that neither of these grown adults (well, technically) sees the corny, runaway-teenager antics of their relationship – or their vows – possibly proves one thing, and one thing only: Matt Ericson and Briana Renee ARE perfect for each other. I take back everything I said about saving Briana from the clutches of a sketchy dude. These two are meant to be. What mutual delusion has wrought, let no man Terra asunder!
Celebrating their uninvited status to the Ride or Die wedding, Terra and Tonya are getting spa treatments, complete with acupuncture. Tonya fills Terra in on the Kerwin situation, but Terra isn’t going to believe it until she sees Kerwin rolling up in a U-Haul. Tonya is convinced that they will live happily ever after though, so discussion is closed on this matter. Terra muses about how having 100 needles shoved in her is a more pleasant experience than witnessing the Bonnie and Clyde fiasco wedding in person.
Back at the wedding, Briana and Matt join their reception as husband and wife – again. They dance to Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” (JK!) while Matt dry humps Briana on the dance floor (for real). Jasmine covers her child’s eyes, while Christy asks Elena to go for a walk. Elena asks Christy about the real issue here: the supposed brain injury news that’s all over TMZ. Christy cries that it was “really hard! I thought I was going to die!” But she also “can’t talk about it” right now.
Yet, talk about it she does! The glass, apparently, hit Christy on the side-back of the head, shook her brain, messed up her vision, and, and, and! The media came to Cedars Sinai to take pictures of her! They found her in there while she was in pain and EXPLOITED her!! Alrighty, Christy. Even Elena side-eyes this dramatic re-telling of events, noting how she doesn’t think this is how the media works in America.
To cap off the reception, Briana and Matt offer a toast of thanks to those who’ve “traveled from near and far” to celebrate their lurrrrrvv. Christy and her daughter head out to their car and are (suspiciously) met with a lone, sheepish paparazzi. Who backs off immediately when Christy barks “No comment!” at him. Um. I don’t know about the regular media, but this is not how the paparazzi works in America!
Show producers step in on camera to ask Christy if she wants them to get rid of the paps. Christy whimpers that she just wants to be left alone! She even asks the Lifetime cameras to be shut down after her crying jag, which apparently they do, because we cut to next week’s previews (of the Bonnie and Clyde HONEYMOON – oh GAWD!!) immediately afterward. Also, we see a sneak peek of Tonya spilling some new dirt on Clyde: allegedly, he’s been sexting his d*ck to regions unknown yet again! (Here’s my surprised face: :-))
So, brain injuries. A play for sympathy or the real deal? With Christy, it’s tough to take anything she does at face value. Perhaps her injuries are real. And perhaps the media “just found her.” Sure. Okay. But given her many antics over the past four seasons of LWLA, she’ll be hard pressed to convince anyone of these facts. After all, the manipulation is strong with this one!
TELL US: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE RIDE OR DIE WEDDING? IS CHRISTY MANIPULATING THE PUBLIC ABOUT HER INJURIES? SHOULD MATT HAVE INVITED CHRISTY TO THE WEDDING?
Photo Credit: Lifetime
