Real Housewives Of Dallas is sending mixed messages: is this show about poop or charity? I don’t think they go together unless the charity has something to do with colonoscopies. Also, the ladies are so immature! Am I watching Real Housewives Of Kindergarten? If the rest of the season is going to be bathroom humor (teeheehee) with LeeAnne Locken pursing her lips and growling over charity, then someone needs to get their poopin’ potootie back into the editing room!
The drama between LeeAnne and Brandi Redmond has grown legs – specifically Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader legs. LeeAnne and Brandi’s mutual friend Marie, the woman who hosted the charity event where Brandi and LeeAnne argued, invites Brandi to show her daughter some DCC dance moves. (Has anyone ever watched that Cowboys cheerleader reality show on CMT? GUILTY PLEASURE!).
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Brandi learned to tumble by throwing herself down a hill repeatedly until survival instincts kicked in and landed in a back flip. Growing up poor taught her not to care what anyone thinks. Perhaps Brandi gets irritated that LeeAnne grew up with a similar background, but puts on airs like a Grande Dame?
Anyway, I don’t know if I’d be on TV bragging that I aspire for my 10-year-old to do hair flips in hot pants, but I also don’t know if I’d be putting 1992 overstuffed armchairs in my mansion, so this Marie clearly has some taste issues, but other than that, she seems normal and has a mature perspective on Brandi’s issues with LeeAnne. She suggests Brandi get to know LeeAnne one-on-one, where she’s infinitely toned down, and also accept that LeeAnne is a friend who will annoy the f–k out of you. “We don’t always get along,” Marie admits.
I figured out the problem with Brandi’s makeup – she’s always rocking stage makeup, the kind cheerleaders wear to reach the cheap seats. This is why she looks cute in the confessional, but a hot wreck in her other scenes. She probably thought she was qualified to do her own makeup, but it makes her look old and jacked-up. She needs to hire Stephanie Hollman‘s makeup artist immediately.
At Cary Deuber‘s, she and Mark exist in a sort of domestic bliss where Cary does nothing because Mark is so entranced by her “magic junk” he lost 80lbs, cooks, cleans, and got rid of the Jerry Garcia hair he was rocking when they met. If anyone believed Cary and Mark were having an affair, those flashback photos are all the denial I need. They fell in love over surgical masks, Mark hotti’ed up, and now they have a 2-year-old daughter who is learning French, Spanish, and Swiss-German, all while rocking movie star sunglasses. Cary thought children would interfere with her career and her love of travel, but a rich hubby and a nanny fixed all that! Sign me up.
Meanwhile, LeeAnne is temporarily focusing on the most important Dallas charity event of the season: Mad Hatter’s Ball. Last year she won “Most Botanical” by wearing a giant headdress made from fake flowers, which made her look like a victim of Poison Ivy. Her friend has images of LeeAnne’s hat emblazoned all over his shop, ostensibly to advertise his skill in eradicating LeeAnne’s presence through fake floral fashions? This year the theme is April In Paris. LeeAnne will not be paying for her hat. Since images of her wearing will be the ultimate publicity, her friend is making one for free.
I still have no idea what LeeAnne’s role is in putting together the Mad Hatter’s function, but she acts as if it’s her event.
LeeAnne remains pissed at Brandi, but plans to “Kill’er With Kindness” in the hopes that Brandi trips and falls flat on her face.
While all is well in charity land, on the homefront both LeeAnne and her BFF Tiffany Hendra have domestic un-bliss. After years of living in L.A. where Tiffany her husband, Aaron, two people the public has never heard of, were rolling in money, record deals, cocaine, and modeling contracts, but no stability, Tiffany dreams of putting down roots in Dallas by buying a house. She presses Aaron to view a mid century modern inspired home which boasts enough space for his recording studio and for her office to record her fashion and beauty YouTube videos – apparently Tiffany has a successful channel.
Tiffany is in loooooove with the house, even though they can’t afford it, and tries to convince Sub-Urban Keith by repeatedly mentioning how much more it would cost in L.A. Aaron counters that they’re not in L.A. anymore – which is exactly the problem. He isn’t ready to get permanent in Dallas (or accept a lifetime of socializing with LeeAnne). Tiffany is crestfallen by Aaron‘s non-commital attitude. For now, Aaron is trusting in Jesus to show them the way…the way back to the sunshine state, I imagine, where he’ll finish 5 albums in 10 years.
Meanwhile, Rick refuses to marry LeeAnne, making no effort to hide his attitude about the prospect in front of guests Tiffany and Aaron. LeeAnne sulks into her wine glass.
According to Brandi, women spend thousands on hats for Mad Hatter’s which is “riiiiiiiiidick-u-lous,” so Brandi and Stephanie make their own using a hot glue gun and some Hobby Lobby paraphernalia. Brandi’s ingenious idea is “Poop in the Park,” which features overgrown weeds, a little plastic dog, and fake dog poop sprinkled liberally. Stephanie doesn’t have the balls to be herself like Brandi does. Also, her husband wouldn’t allow it given their family’s foundation and image, so she’s stuck with traditional floral.
Stephanie admits she emailed LeeAnne to apologize for the argument at Marie’s, because she’s afraid of LeeAnne’s wrath. Brandi slowly digests this and asks Stephanie to stay out of it from now on. Ouch!
Brandi switches from making a poop hat to making a “poop pie.” It’s her mom’s birthday, so Brandi throws a casual tea party with chocolate cake made by her daughters (and the dog). Brandi keeps joking that the batter and the frosting look like poop – even her daughters, aged 3 and 6, are annoyed. Other than her bathroom humor, Brandi actually seems very intelligent and funny, but the constant poop talk is obnoxious and stupid. Why?!
Brandi conducts this entire poop pie making process while holding her small dog. Is she hoping it will poop on the actually cake for authenticity purposes?
Brandi’s husband Bryan is always traveling for work, and Brandi is exhausted raising the kids on her own. She admits she’s not mother of the year, but “maybe mother of a short month like February.” I hear ya! Bryan’s long hours also affect the kids’ schedule, so it’s an all-around frustrating situation. Brandi actually sees Bryan’s mom and sisters more than Bryan
Brandi reveals that her mom had her brother at 15, and Brandi a year later! Someone could have used 16 And Pregnant! Brandi’s grandfather emotionally and financially abandoned her mom, so Brandi has never met her mother’s father. She cries while giving a toast to her mom about how she learned not to care what anyone thinks and be herself. Sometimes I think Brandi should care a little more – and I do believe Stephanie agrees!
Since Brandi and Stephanie are aces at projects Travis assigned Stephanie the task of getting rid of a wasp nest on their balcony. Armed with wine, Travis’ fur coats (!!!!) and a can of RIID, they get into Ghost Busters position to spray the one lonely bee in the corner. According to Brandi, whatever is coming out the cans looks like “jizz,” and since it back-sprayed all over their faces and Travis’ coats, maybe that’s appropriate. I would have actually turned the cans around and aimed FOR Travis’ coats, then tossed them on the golf course if my hubby ever assigned me chores. NO!
On the day of Mad Hatter’s Tea, LeeAnne spread all the blush in all of Sephora across her cheeks like a hot pink rash. It may have been thematically intentional, but it looked like someone had a little too much fun with the Red No 5 food coloring leftover from Brandi’s poopy pie decorating icing!
Unfortunately, LeeAnne’s ‘fabulosity’ is overshadowed by Brandi’s enormous poopy park. Honestly, Brandi looked like the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock. Stephanie looked like she grabbed a clearance Easter hat from Target!
Brandi was lauded with attention from all the high-class ladies who didn’t fully comprehend her theme – which was literally taking a shit on the party. Stephanie laughs hysterically over the irony. LeeAnne was bragging about Chanel pearls (yeah right – those were from Michaels bead selection!) to whomever would listen, but when she notices Brandi’s hat, she nearly poops herself. LeeAnne cannot believe the level of disrespect and vows that Brandi’s behavior will ruin her reputation on the charity scene… a scene which LeeAnne is self-appointed judge, jury, and executioner. In her own mind. LeeAnne does realize this is not the dunking booth at the carnival?
Brandi calls LeeAnne out for her attitude by reminding us that she donates actual money, so if she wants to have a good time – why not?! After all, history still talks about ladies who bucked tradition – not the ones who toed the line in borrowed Chanel (without donating a dime)!
LeeAnne spends the entire party talking shit about Brandi (pun intended), dismissing her as a ‘cheerleader’, and commenting about how her husband should reign her in. LeeAnne’s jealousy appears to be plastered on as thickly as her blush!
Stephanie follows Brandi around laughing hysterically and trying hijack the numerous photo-ops Brandi finds herself in because everyone excited by her homemade hat. I support Brandi’s fun attitude, I just wish she wasn’t always equating fun with poop. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
Since Brandi’s hat is only hot glue-gunned together, a piece of poop fell off in the ladies room, of all places, and rolled into a stall. Over lunch, Brandi recounts the story to Cary. They decide to play a prank on the table where Tiffany, Marie, and LeeAnne are sitting by having Cary sneak the plastic poop onto an vacant chair while making small talk. “With my luck that’s where LeeAnne will be sitting,” Brandi jokes. Sure enough it is LeeAnne’s chair! While LeeAnne was begging people to give her attention working the room, she returned to discover the poopy surprise. Cary and Brandi let her know they were joking but LeeAnne does not find it funny.
LeeAnne actually stomps over to one of the organizers to complain about Brandi, “the little cheerleader,” with the inappropriate hat. Tattling!? Really!? LeeAnne cackles that this “uber-connected” person can ruin Brandi. “Crossing the wrong people in society gets you crossed off the list,” snaps LeeAnne.
Oh LeeAnne… Brandi has a checkbook. She ain’t going no where, although I wish her Adam Sandler humor would!
LeeAnne should have laughed, then sauntered over to plop the fake poop on Brandi’s salad plate. LeeAnne takes herself waaaay, waaaay too seriously.
Next week, Cary tries to tell her as much, but LeeAnne freaks out.
TELL US – WAS BRANDI’S HAT INAPPROPRIATE? DID LEEANNE OVER-REACT TO THE FAKE POOP?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
