Yay for assault by Bravo! On last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas it was emotional breakdowns galore, but at least there were diamonds.
At Marie Reyes‘ cocktail party LeeAnne Locken is flinging champagne, name-calling, screaming in Stephanie Hollman‘s face. Then she stamps her feet all the way out the door. Cary Deuber, who is wearing a layer of champagne over her designer dress, has seen that behavior before – on her 2-year-old!
While Stephanie bursts into tears, Tiffany Hendra chases LeeAnne out the door. Something tells me Tiffany is always running after LeeAnne to talk her down from the edge…. Tiffany needs a new co-dependence partner. Keith Suburban not dramatic enough for her?
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I must say LeeAnne wore the wrong outfit for a dramatic exit focusing on her backside. That jumpsuit was not made for walking out on bitches! That crazy, wild, schizo-print was not a flattering rear view. Although I’m sure the other ladies believed that any view of LeeAnne walking away is her best angle!
Inside Brandi Redmond (aka the red-headed devil behind LeeAnne’s blow-up) comforts a sobbing Stephanie. Stephanie has never been yelled at before. In her little Unikitty world everything is sunshine! And blue skies! And sweet fruity Jesus Juice! And sparkly unicorns who drive riding lawnmowers over rainbows! And trampolines – the higher the bounce, the closer to God!
On the sidewalk, with the Dallas traffic whizzing by, it’s Tiffany’s turn to lose it. LeeAnne accuses her of never having her back. Apparently Tiffany should have leapt in front of Brandi and screamed “NO! Stop it Little Bitch!” to show her loyalty. In response to LeeAnne questioning her loyalty, Tiffany flips out. With her finger shoved in LeeAnne’s face she gives her the business about what a good friend she is and how often she has to defend her. LeeAnne has been reading up on reverse psychology, or something, and tries to practice it on “Fi,” who is having none of it! At one point Tiffany grabs LeeAnne’s arm, physically shouting her down inches from her face, and then shoves her backwards to avoid going over the sidewalk into the road.
Realizing this is reality TV, and her charity world may go down the toilet if high-end donors get a look at this carny attraction sideshow (SideShow LeeAnne!), LeeAnne tries to shut the cameras down by pushing the cameraman into on-coming traffic! Then LeeAnne gives us full carny by whipping off her Louboutins, smacking a passing streetcar, jaywalking into traffic, and storming down the street SHOELESS. SHOE-LESS. I had visions of Snooki-Past.
Back at the party, Tiffany offers a collective apology for LeeAnne and tries decompress after the crazy. The other women cannot wait to flee the freak show.
The earthquake of a party may be over, but the aftershock continued to reverberate.
It’s Stephanie and Travis‘ anniversary, except she’s in no mood to celebrate after crying all night and all day over LeeAnne yelling at her. Stephanie worries that as a result of pissing off LeeAnne, her husband’s business could suffer. Travis doesn’t even bother to suppress his laughter that LeeAnne would have any kind of impact. Stephanie is so innocent and sweet.
Little Miss Homespun from the Prairie may not be able to hack it as a Housewife. Maybe she needs a Jesus Barbie show with Alexis Bellino, where they wander around shopping because they gave grace to Neimans? Things I’ve learned from Bravo: women like this exist – and there are more than one of them! (Actually, growing up in the south, and being married to a man from Salt Lake City, I was well-aware of women like this pre-Housewives – but thank you Bravo for bringing national attention to their Boobs For The Bible cause.)
Jesus may not have been able to part the red sea of Steph’s tears, but the super-romantic date Travis planned immediately them dries up! In their vintage Rolls-Royce he whisks her to a jewelry story where he’s pre-selected bracelets and lets Stephanie have her pick. Stephanie opts for a $70,000 white diamond cuff then swans out the door. LeeAnne who?! LeeAnne what?! Diamonds are a girl’s Lexapro!
Tiffany and LeeAnne are both in the pits of peril with their friendship being in shatters. Tiffany knows she’ll have to be the one who grovels to LeeAnne. LeeAnne recounts the drama to Rich, and denies having anything to do with everything getting so out of hand. Thankfully, with complete mono-toned boredom, Rich calls her out on her BS claims. Tiffany’s husband is similarly bored by her droning on about LeeAnne-drama.
Tiffany, like a love-sick teenager, has been carrying her phone around all day fretting over whether she should call LeeAnne, or hoping LeeAnne will call. Maybe Keith SubUrban can write a song about LeeAnne and Tiffany, then Tiffany can stand outside LeeAnne’s window blasting it on a boombox until she’s forgiven?
The worst part is that Tiffany and LeeAnne are attending a clothing drive together that very same day. The charity scene cannot suffer! They both rally and haul their Rubbermaids full of castoffs to a parking lot, and in the blinding sun arrange them on blankets, all while consciously keeping each other in the dark. Cary also stops by to donate, and is shocked by the palpable awkwardness between LeeAnne and Tiffany (LeeFany?) – although she’s relieved to avoid making small talk with Raggedy Anne!
After the clothing drive, Tiffany caves and leaves LeeAnne a plaintive message begging forgiveness and asking her to call so they can make amends. Tiffany can’t handle being “a million miles away” from LeeAnne, while trapped in the same strangling charity circuit.
Cary can’t get over her champagne shower. She and Mark are acting like champagne is cyanide, and her dress was completely destroyed. Mark makes up for it by buying Cary a new Roberto Cavalli cocktail dress, and then warning her to stay away from LeeAnne. Smartypants Cary teases that if getting doused with champagne leads to know clothes she’ll take one for the team by attending a lot more parties with LeeAnne. The Lifetime Achievement Award’s new clothes!
Apparently everyone in Dallas needs expensive gifts after dealing with LeeAnne…
Brandi has no time to worry about LeeAnne, or the shockwaves their fight has caused amid the group, because she’s meeting her long-lost grandfather for the first time and is finally unifying her family. Except for her absent and mysterious husband Bryan, who is on yet another business trip.
Brandi is relieved to connect instantly with her grandfather, a former NFL player, and is shocked that he looks so much like several other people in her family. She’s also excited for Bryan to meet him after he returns from his business trip the following day. Brandi has a huge family BBQ planned for the occasion – in fact she scheduled the entire thing in between Bryan’s trips so he’d definitely be able to make it.
To dig the wound deeper, Brandi gets to hear about Stephanie’s anniversary featuring diamonds. Brandi sighs about how emotionally despondent Bryan is and admits to being jealous. For Brandi’s 30th birthday Bryan gave her 30 of her favorite things – ranch dressing, ketchup, poop… Classy is as classy does and classy receives!
Stephanie and her family will also be attending the BBQ to meet Brandi’s grandfather.
Brandi’s BBQ is going wonderfully except for one thing – Bryan is MIA, and she has no idea when to expect him! She’s making excuses to other family members for his absence. After Stephanie checks in with Travis to see when he’ll be there, she discovers Bryan apparently went from the airport to the golf course to meet Travis, and now they’re at the bar. Brandi is devastated and shocked, but holds it together in front of everyone. Stephanie can tell she’s upset, but also keeps smiling. When Travis and Bryan finally show-up, Bryan is drunk and completely despondent to Brandi, who is furious.
Bryan continues to ignore Brandi throughout the party by hiding in the backyard with the kids – even walking away when she tries to engage him. Stephanie is shocked by what a jerk Bryan is being knowing how important this is to Brandi. Brandi declares that Bryan is “Number one douche” and is sleeping on the couch! Amen girl.
Luckily LeeAnne and Tiffany’s reunion goes a lot smoother. Over coffee they both admit to behaving badly. LeeAnne had to flee the party to avoid Brandi seeing her cry. There’s only so far LeeAnne can be pushed before she goes from Christian to Carny. “It’s christian, christian, christian, christian, christian – CARNY!” (with accompanying ‘hiss’). After her unstable and abusive childhood, she can’t “do hurt,” so her go-to reaction is defense. This sounds like another Kenya Moore situation – we get it: you had a rough childhood with shitty parents, but as a woman in her late 40’s, it’s time to work through those issues!
Tiffany also had a rough childhood, and recounts the many years when she and LeeAnne only had each other while navigating the cutthroat Dallas modeling scene. After Tiffany moved to LA, they didn’t speak for 2-years because LeeAnne believed Tiffany abandoned her. Good lord – this woman is exhausting!
Tiffany and LeeAnne are relieved to put this latest fight behind them.Maybe LeeAnne can separate her enormous fossil rock necklace and give half to “Fi” as an improvised BFF broken heart necklace?
Tiffany complains that she has “given grace” to these girls, hoping they’d rise to the occasion, but now she’s seen they’re devils in designer and won’t be bewitched any longer. Tiffany is part Japanese and part Native American, so while LeeAnne is going Carny wild, she’ll be scalping people then waxing on/ waxing off Mr. Miyagi-style. Can she start by waxing-off Brandi’s makeup?
It is nice to see true friends on this show, which is what I am enjoying about both Tiffany and LeeAnne, and Stephanie and Brandi. I love how in the first seasons of a Real Housewives franchise, it’s all real relationships, real issues, and the women are vulnerable enough to put their honest, unedited lives out there. Such a relief from Real Munchausen Detectives Of Beverly Hills!
TELL US – IS BRANDI RESPONSIBLE FOR LEEANNE’S OUTBURST? DID TIFFANY GO TOO FAR? WILL BRYAN AND BRANDI’S MARRIAGE LAST?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
