Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Shockingly we weren’t subjected to a charity event where LeeAnne Locken berated everyone for not knowing their place in the Dallas Charity Scene. Instead Stephanie Hollman and her husband Travis threw an adult kegger-rager to celebrate the Byron Nelson PGA golf tournament being literally in their backyard – which is coincidentally also the Four Seasons.
Only rich people would pay a zillion dollars to regularly have random men strolling through their backyard hitting balls and swinging clubs near their bedroom window, right?!
The party planing consists of Travis micromanaging Stephanie and constantly reminding her that it’s her responsibility to pick up dog poop. Forcing Stephanie to constantly deal with poop is a pretty good euphemism for their marriage because Travis constantly treats Stephanie like poop! Honestly next time he hands her a list and a pooper-scooper, she should just rip it up and snap, “Don’t bring that shit into my house” (ala her cutting comment to LeeAnne in Austin).
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Instead Stephanie was all like adult and stuff (which is ironic considering Travis treats her like a child) – she reminds him that she’s capable of handling mundane details and he’s not her boss, he’s her husband. Stephanie invites Brandi Redmond over for a poop pick-up pre-party. They paid the kids in candy to scour the yard on dog poop reconnaissance.
Brandi and Stephanie are still disgusted by what happened in Austin. Unfortunately LeeAnne is invited to the Byron Nelson party even though Stephanie wishes she had uninvited her! She should just leave some dog poop on LeeAnne’s chair and she’ll never hear from her again!
In Brandi’s life things are finally going pretty well. She and Bryan reconnected and he’s being more present in their lives which means not storming out of the room when the rabbit poops all over the carpet, then going bowling where he’s got one hand in his pocket, and the other handing out high fives! BabySteps, BabySteps… or should I say bunny hops.
Aaaand at LeeAnne the delusion is still a big ol’ stinking pile of turds. She sobs to Rich about how hard is for her to get over Austin but she realized she has anger management issues related to abandonment issues related to being at carny child related to being an attention-seeking nutcase. But priorities because instead of counseling she’s meeting with a PR rep to see about marketing herself as a motivational speaker.
During the meeting LeeAnne rants that she is a victor, not a victim because she was “Designed To Shine” – which is coincidentally also the title of her upcoming memoir.
LeeAnne actually shines so hard and so tough that she farts glitter! What Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper did she read that message from? At first the reps aren’t buying LeeAnne’s “Story” and mention that doesn’t seem healed yet, but LeeAnne turns on her Carny death stare and hypnotizes them with her tilt-a-whirl vortex eyes, and they decide her message is powerful. What about “gutting someone carny-style?” – is that a powerful message? Somehow I can see LeeAnne arm wrestling that PR Rep into submission while demanding “GET MOTIVATED BITCH, OR ELSE I’LL SHIT MY RAINBOWS ALL OVER YOUR REPUTATION!” Just me?
Then LeeAnne and Tiffany Hendra go workout and blame LeeAnne’s entire Austin outburst on Marie Reyes, and it’s all Cary Deuber‘s fault that Brandi and Stephanie don’t want to be LeeAnne’s friend anymore. LeeAnne decides she has to go to the Byron Nelson party, because otherwise she’d be admitting that she’s guilty of bad behavior. #VictorNotVictim
Cary and Mark talk about how great they are, while laughing at their own jokes, and cooking dinner (Mark plates it like a Top Chef challenge). Even their three-year-old gets tired of hearing about how amazing Cary and Mark are, and ditches them to go sneak-watch Frozen. They don’t bother to make her eat dinner – which I found rather umm… well, nonchalant parenting. Over dinner they discuss summering in Switzerland, and Mark has already started looking at properties to but when Cary stops him with the brilliant idea that they should get a Swiss real estate agent first. Poor Mark – Cary is like so SUPER perfect she is the rainer on his parades, the dasher of his dreams. No wonder LeeAnne hates her! I kid… If Cary would let her guard down and stop with the Ms. Perfect act, I’d like her, but instead it’s all yoga and Mark is my bitch [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! fake laughs]. She needs to find zen and the Real Housewives and get real if she returns next season.
Speaking of FAKE – Tiffany and Aaron pretend they’re rich enough to afford a $650,ooo home in an up-and-coming Dallas neighborhood, which is surrounded by construction sites and wishful thinking. Tiffany runs around the potential house in thigh-high boots demanding Aaron call everything sexy, outside they makeout to the sound of dump-trucks after Aaron agrees he wants to set-down roots in Dallas. Tiffany declares that everyone is jealous of her amazing life because happiness is waking up next to Keith Suburban’s beautiful hair, ripped abs, and other hotnesses – including his JESUS TAKE ME AWAY which we can know no more about!
On Byron Nelson day (which must be said like “Catalina Wine Mixer”!), Travis is panicking about mini pudding cups and Stephanie having enough booze for 500 of their most alcoholic friends, but it seems like everything goes off without a hitch – even after LeeAnne shows up. Stephanie is a good hostess, Brandi stops drinking after like 9 margaritas, and Cary even manages to eat a carb while making small talk.
Cary and Stephanie are still reeling from LeeAnne’s crazy, and since Austin LeeAnne has been spreading rumors all over Dallas that Cary’s definitely a homewrecker. Of course, LeeAnne won’t acknowledge Cary and avoids eye contact while glaring at her, which makes no sense to Cary. She wants LeeAnne to have the balls to confront her.
It’s obvious to Stephanie that LeeAnne is simply pissed that Cary doesn’t fear her wrath, and after Cary called her out, LeeAnne wanted to knock her down to size and get revenge.
Over the mac & cheese, which both of them pick at desperately, Tiffany and Cary agree they’ll never be friends – even though they like each other – because of the LeeAnne factor. LeeAnne, through Tiffany, is blaming the Austin-Carny-Outburst on Marie’s betrayal after spreading the poop pants story, when Cary counters that LeeAnne still has to take ownership of her reaction – Tiffany argues that LeeAnne lashed out because she felt ganged up on by all the girls. “You can’t be the victim if you’re the one whose bullying,” reminds Cary.
Tiffany and Cary go their separate ways – Tiffany to sulk in the corner eating chicken with LeeAnne, and Cary to take tequila shots with the fun girls who have taken poor abused Marie under their wealthy wings.
Tiffany is disgusted that Marie isn’t taking any heat for betraying LeeAnne with the poop story and confronts her. Marie continues to deny spreading the story. Cary decides LeeAnne is playing scairt and asks to speak to LeeAnne one-on-one – in the middle of the party! Luckily Travis was too drunk to micromanage.
Their discussion includes LeaAnne screaming about “MY STORY,” then she bites Cary’s head off that her life is not a STORY (It’s her LIFE!) when Cary calls it a story. LeeAnne also yells that Cary hates her and is out to destroy her, but insists she doesn’t care. The entire thing was so ridiculous.
Then Cary leaves. Later when LeeAnne is leaving she tries a eleventh hour attempt to salvage her friendship with Brandi by apologizing for Austin, and insisting she takes ownership. Brandi is kind in response, but as soon as the door is closed on LeeAnne’s glitter-farting ass, she and Stephanie run skipping into the house, laughing that they’re free. They do a shot, then celebrate by leaping into the pool fully-clothed. Brandi is glad her best friend is normal (and fun).
In the updates we learn Cary and Mark got Switzerland confused with Swahililand and went to the wrong place, but Cary perfected scorpion pose and is ready for LeeAnne.
LeeAnne is still talking about herself and hoping someone wants to hear it (apparently not Rich!). Surprise, Surprise – Tiffany and Aaron did not buy the house.
Stephanie would rather pick up dog poop than do sexual favors for Travis, so she’s remained on Poop Patrol, and drunk Travis is definitely not getting any because he’d probably pass out on top of her and then she would die. Brandi and Bryan renewed their vows, even though Stephanie is her true love. Alls well that ends well… until the reunion where Cary has a sobbing meltdown over LeeAnne spreading rumors and storms off stage.
TELL US – DID YOU ENJOY RHOD? SHOULD IT COME BACK NEXT YEAR – WHO SHOULD STAY AND WHO SHOULD GO?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
