Last night Real Housewives Of Dallas had their first (and I dunno – something in me is saying ‘only’ reunion) – and it was pretty bizarre.
The major story was Cary Deuber, who all season seemed rational, together, and way too smart for all the drama, but wound up having a straight nervous breakdown on stage over the rumors LeeAnne Locken spread about her marriage beginning with an affair. LeeAnne may not do “hurt,” but Cary does and she openly sobbed a ton.
Also randomly, throughout the entire reunion LeeAnne would morph into ‘My Carny Story’ mode and just start fake tearing up about her haunted past and all the other BS she routinely uses to try and get away with her crap. Andy was rolling his eyes and was visibly exhausted by her (as was everyone else – here, there, and everywhere!). I guess she needed Rich, The Carny Whisperer, to tone her down and stop her “story” about the hurt little girl who farts glitter from going into auto-repeat. The record is skipping, RICH!
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I feel like editing left a lot out of the story, but we all know Real Housewives loves a good reunion walk-out! Anyway, despite it being on-tape over and over again, LeeAnne refuses to cop to saying that Cary and Mark had an affair, and then denies that she’s responsible for spreading the story all about Dallas. LeeAnne insists it was already out there – and she simply helped scoot it along? Andy asks LeeAnne why she cares so much and his vibe was like get over it, bitch! He openly dislikes her in a way I’ve only previously seen with Danielle Staub! #DeadToBravo
Andy continually rebuked LeeAnne for her actions and called her out on her nonsense. Cause yeah LeeAnne, you CrazyLiarOnFirePants – ya’did spread rumors about Cary!
Everyone is honestly wondering why LeeAnne even hates Cary so much that she’s sitting there laughing and mocking her for sobbing over everyone in Dallas now accusing her of being a home wrecking whore who not only stole Mark from his first wife, but was so desperate for Mark to leave his wife to marry her, that she married another man to make him jealous – and that marriage only lasted 3 months because Mark realized he couldn’t live without Cary and filed for divorce. Oh, and somewhere in there Mark also lost 80lbs and developed a passionate love for Roberto Cavalli.
Both Mark and Cary maintain none of this is remotely true and that their children are suffering as a result of LeeAnne’s vicious rumor-mongering, rumors which LeeAnne vehemently denies spreading. Mark points out that she is ON CAMERA calling Cary a homewrercker, so she asks him if he wants a tampon. Apparently when you become a metrosexual you also grow a uterus!
So back to why LeeAnne hates Cary so much. Y’all ready?! BEEEECAUSE Cary told LeeAnne to stop swanning around Dallas acting like the rebirth of Brooke Astor, because socialites have to have a family name, and they also have to be this little thing called “money” – so going to a bunch of charity events as the grunt laborer doesn’t make LeeAnne part of the inner circle of Dallas’ upper-echelons. Leanne is livid over this. She also feels her actions of ruining Cary’s reputation is justified because Cary said mean things about her – like she does;’t get the inequality between what she did vs. what Cary said (to her face) – and that is scary. That LeeAnne equates her delusions of grandeur being questioned as being on-par with her treatment of Cary.
LeeAnne was MOH at some rich broad’s latest wedding which that means she is IN the inner circle of the charity world. Stephanie Hollman calls her egotistical. When Andy asks Stephanie if her charity world has gone down the toilet since mucking with LeeAnne, she laughs and scoffs, no. Something probably about Hollman Inc. designing the Cowboys Stadium locker room probably supersedes LeeAnne’s little highfalutin’ act.
Also LeeAnne didn’t like Cary calling her a “carny,” even though LeeAnne talks about being a carny every 15 seconds, and literally is the freak show at the circus.
LeeAnne decided since Cary doesn’t understand her, she therefore must be gutted “carny-style,” which is not to be confused with carne-asada style deliciousness. In fact Stephanie said LeeAnne was spreading fake gossip about all the ladies and it was her agenda all season, which I guess we didn’t really see enough of in between all of LeeAnne’s other crazy – but I guess it’s been happening since filming wrapped, as well.
After all LeeAnne’s excuses becomes too much, Cary storms off stage and sobs into a tissue – probably a Cavalli tissue – about how she can’t stand anymore of LeeAnne’s BS. She collects herself by doing a few scorpion poses and returns to inform us that Heidi Dillon‘s gothic carnival was a set-up orchestrated by LeeAnne, and she knew because Heidi’s son goes to school with Mark’s son – so they were even gossiping about it there! Also, Heidi doesn’t even know Mark’s ex-wife, like she claimed, and admitted this is a recent interview. So yeah, basically LeeAnne’s hands are dirty – she got caught with them in the funnel cake batter!
Things ended with an awkward, insincere hug between LeeAnne and Cary, after LeeAnne admitted that maaaaaybe she was reading too much into Cary’s comments and should have addressed her personally about the rumors. Also, mid-hug LeeAnne turned her blame-eyes on Stephanie and accused her of mocking her. WHATEVER.
Speaking of schools, Brandi Redmond‘s kids got kicked out of their christian school because Brandi referred to wine as “Jesus Juice” – and probably also all of her other antics (holy strip club, Batman!). Eh – it’s probably better they were forced out because then you know they may actually learn some stuff, like LeeAnne does not deserve to be nailed to any crosses because her imperfections are saintly and misunderstood.
That’s not the only drama Brandi has suffered as a result of RHOD – Bryan was so upset by some of her behavior, (like when time she confronted him on camera and he stormed out), that he threatened divorce. Everyone gasps and fans themselves at the mention of “The D Word.” Why do these Housewives – of all franchises – act like saying the word “divorce” means their husbands have gotten the prenup invalidated, cast them into a low-rent condo, and yanked away all their jewels? I mean, I tell my husband he can divorce ME any old time he wants – and maybe I’ll nab one of these rich cast-off ex-Househusbands. (Dr. Paul – Call me!).
Anyway Brandi and Bryan didn’t get divorced, instead they did a vow renewal after they practiced this thingy called com-muni-cationings. Luckily through it all Brandi had Stephanie – they both agree they’d rather be married to each other. Might be time to leave Texas, girls! (I do think these two are so cute – and I love their friendship.)
Stephanie and Travis were in therapy throughout filming, and she is relieved to say there are no more lists because he realizes she’s a real-live grownup now! I also applaud Stephanie’s new ballsiness – which I think we can attribute to her taking on the Goliath that is LeeAnne’s ego!
There’s really not much to say about Tiffany Hendra – she’s still LeeAnne’s mouth and she’s still in love with Aaron’s hair. Also LeeAnne tells some story that I SWEAR is also the plot of a Lifetime Movie I saw in the late 90’s about her former fiance trying to kill her, and she was saved by some benevolent neighbor.
Finally Marie Reyes comes out and then it got alllllll kindsa weird – like Tiffany started hopping scared and tried to sit on the other sofa, but neither Brandi, Stephanie, nor Cary would move, so Tiffany ended up sort of crouched uber-close to LeeAnne, almost sitting in her lap like LeeAnne was her mommy. Which if you think about it… Since Tiffany’s face is, at this point, almost totally immobile and her expressions are on ‘sloth time,’ I was surprised she was able to become that animated.
Dismantling twenty years of co-dependent friendship is not a safe experiment to conduct on a stage manned by Andy Cohen, is all I have to say. Tiffany is still shrieky over Marie texting her about LeeAnne, and there is this strange sort of vibe that both Marie and Tiffany are still fighting over LeeAnne liking one of them best. Tiffany gets uber defensive over the texts, probably because, yes, she was also talking shit about LeeAnne – because honestly who wouldn’t?!
Marie refuses to cop to repeating the ‘LeeAnne pooped her pants’ story – even though it’s pretty obvious that she did, and not that Taylor just randomly made it up, as Marie tries to claim. Andy is flabbergasted that he’s even discussing this and dubs it the strangest Housewives storyline ever encountered. It turns out LeeAnne did not poop in a bag, but in a gift basket from a charity event, (after she took all her gifts out, of course!). So do we think LeeAnne’s charity world is gonna go down the toilet after this?! Bah-dum-bing (I’ll be here all week, folks!)
Even the “We Hate LeeAnne Club” president (that would be Cary, in case you’re wondering), doesn’t believe Marie’s tale, and she also thinks it’s ridiculous that their friendship is ending over this. Tiffany rants that it’s about Marie breaking “girl code” – and that is a cardinal sin worthy of stoning in the lawless land of Housewives – because both LeeAnne and Tiffany are keeping a lot in the vault about Marie’s past. Do tell…
When Tiffany confronts Marie about all the things she hasn’t repeated to protect her, Marie refuses to even address the comment. Like she actually shorted out – robot style – and she just stares blankly in Andy’s direction. He even repeats the question, and gets no response. What was that?!
Addressing “That Night In Austin”, it turns out LeeAnne’s behavior was even scarier than what was reported – she actually threw a crystal bowl at Marie and it shattered everywhere (LeeAnne insists she merely flipped it over). Post-Austin LeeAnne sent Marie a ‘threatening’ text that said “Stop talking about me – or else.” so Marie filed a police report and now has a restraining order against LeeAnne (are they legally allowed to be on the same reunion sofa!?).
LeeAnne denies this is a threat, and Andy corrects her that yeah, it is. Yet Marie still wants to be friends – maybe, kinda. Stephanie is just rolling her eyes sooo hard on Good Sofa.
This Marie does learn quick the ways of the Housewives – she paid thousands of dollars for a social media team to rip LeeAnne and Tiffany apart. Marie’s defense being, “We’re not friends anymore.” Marie even wrote a nursery rhyme about LeeAnne pooping her pants, which she read in a YouTube video to mock LeeAnne. I see why Marie and LeeAnne were ever friends: Like attracts like, and this is never more true than when it comes to crazies. Crazies are like flies to their own flytrap in the Texas sun.
Cary even told Marie her social media onslaught was too much to knock it off. Strangely Marie denies that she’s responsible for the mean tweets, because she doesn’t really tweet being over 40 and all – someone else does it for her! Marie, Marie… you will not get cast this way.
In the end Andy marvels that all the ladies have learned nothing something from the show so they have to go around, summer camp-style, and share how they’ve grown as a person in the year since filming wrapped. Stephanie found her voice and now uses it to keep Travis in check. Cary rambles about something, but the subtext was I REGRET EVER BEING ON THIS SHOW AND MY LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENTS DON’T NEED THIS ADDED.
Brandi is still Brandi. LeeAnne is in anger management – maybe – and then goes into another tangent about that hurt little girl and blah, blah, blah… it’s not her fault she’s a bitch! Does LeeAnne have multiple personalities now? I dunno what’s up with Tiffany, but Aaron is hot and she’s not a porn star.
TELL US- DO YOU WANT TO SEE DALLAS RETURN FOR ANOTHER SEASON – IF SO, WHICH LADIES SHOULD STAY? WAS LEEANNE JUSTIFIED IN SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT CARY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
